Joy in 2012!!

There are 12 days left in the 2011 year. This year, this 2011, has been one of the hardest years of my life. There were times when I really didn't think I would survive...when my heart, my spirit, was so broken I felt like I couldn't breath. Many nights I cried myself to sleep, many days I just walked through the motions of living. I don't want to bring my 2011 into my 2012. I need 2012 to be better. I need 2012 to bring breakthroughs. I need 2012 to be filled with more joy, more laughter, more provision, more love, more humor, and more peace. I need 2012 to be good...really good. Good for me, for my family, for those close to me. I'm not to naive to believe that there won't be pain, suffering, sorrow, in 2012, but I do believe that God can and will (as it is my desire) to bring more of the good stuff than the other.
God told me the other day that I don't settle. I refuse to settle, so because of that, the rewards will be great but the time may be longer (you think?:)) I take refuge in this on most days, but there are these other days where I get so mad...why can't I just be ok with "settling?" Why can't I just be ok with that? I'm talking about everything...I want the "perfect for me" everything. The perfect for me job, car, house, spouse, everything. I've waited to long to just settle. I've tried to hard, had to let go of to much to just settle for being happy and content. I want anointed. I don't want to just survive!
That's all I have for today:)

Simply Broken,

Andrea

Have you ever?

Have you ever been in a place where you have told God that if you lose everything you have, if He chooses to take it all, then its okay? And really mean it? That’s where I am right now. I don’t have a job. Now, I am watching a friends baby, but it is all the way in Arlington and they can’t afford to pay me much, but I am grateful for anything at all, at this point:) So, my car (Lola) is 5 months behind in payments—which stinks because she would have been paid off in February. They haven’t taken her, she’s “hiding” at my parents—really her battery was dead when I moved so I had to leave her with my parents for the time being. I am driving my brothers car, which is also on the “repo” list…I don’t know what to do and have lost many hours of sleep over these two things alone, BUT there isn’t anything that I can do. I have applied for every job that I could, I have been to many, and I mean MANY, interviews, only God knows. Only God knows what He is doing, even when I don’t understand. My dad stresses all the time about money, the finances, taking on my brothers bills while he isn’t able too…BUT I know He who is able!:) I am learning that I cannot go by my feelings, or by what I see with my “fleshly” eyes. I must take on a new perspective. I must take a step back and change my glasses…adjust my vision…the God, the Creator of the Universe, MY God, loves me more than anyTHING in this entire world, this entire universe…so if he chooses to take everything that I have, I still have Him. It’s just stuff…He will always provide, He is always faithful, He always comes through. I can not worry---I can not lose moments of my life in worry. I must remember, I must declare what He has already done for me. I must remember the things that I do have that can never be taken away…my salvation, redemption, freedom, as well as my family, friends, love, hope, and a future. This valley may be long, it may be hard, and it may, at times, feel impossible to get through, BUT I am closer to the edge of the mountain than I was yesterday:)!

Simply Broken,
Andrea

A Dream...

I've been thinking alot these past few days, weeks. God has really been speaking closely to my heart, to my spirit, sharing alot of things with me. I have realized that I have spent the majority of my life in fear...fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of disappointment, or disappointing others, and just plain fear. There are alot of things I haven't done, I haven't tried, just because I was afraid. The things that I have done, the big changes, were thrust upon me, i.e. moving, getting my Masters, etc. I did them, I moved, I changed, but only because I wasn't given any other options. Would I have done half the things I have done if I had a choice? I don't know...I have a dream. I have dreamt for most of my life, to be a photographer. I want to own my own studio, have a dark room in my house, create pictures. I haven't done anything to make this dream a reality other than buy a camera and be deemed the "family photographer" during the holidays. At one point, I even enrolled in the New York Institute of Photography...I didn't finish...I lost my job and ran out of money.
What happened? Why haven't I pursued this? I believe I'm afraid of failing at it. I'm afraid that I can't do it, that I don't have any idea how to do it, so I don't even try. Satan HAD me so bound up in fear that I didn't take chances because I was afraid. I refuse to be afraid any more. I refuse to miss out on the things that God has for me to do in this life out of fear. Satan is funny like that...you spend your whole life one way and you don't even realize it---until now. So, I will do what I can with what I have, and let God take care of the rest. I will carry my camera around with me, and take pictures of anything and everything I can, and listen:) I have alot of things that I want with this photography business...I want a computer to edit the pictures, an editing program, the NIKON camera that I have wanted for forever, a tripod, etc. but for now I will do with what I have and allow God to use me now. I believe that one day I will write a book, and take pictures that will go along with that book. Shawn prophecied over me a few years back that I would write a book, and each page, each chapeter would have a picture that would go along with it, these pictures would be the key to tie in what I was saying, what I wanted to get across...I have a way with words, and would one day, have a way with pictures, that would change the world.
I have had many dreams broken over the last few years, but this is one dream that God is continuing to stir up within me over and over...I only fail if I don't try...
SO, what am I waiting for?!!

Simply,

Andrea

Lost...

Have you ever been in a place where you feel so completely lost? This is where I am. I feel lost. Completely lost. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, that I'm not LIVING my life. I have so many dreams, so many things I want to accomplish. When I look back on my life I want to be able to say, to see, that I have truly lived, that I have accomplished much, that my dreams came true. How did I get here? How did I get so lost? In a way, I feel like I've moved backwards---everything says I've moved backwards. I don't have a job, I'm living with my sister, I've loved and lost, etc. Before I left Waxahachie in 2009, I had a great job, a house of my own, a car, a "real" life...I had never truly loved. Now that I'm back, I've truly loved, but I lost him, etc. In my human mind, with my human eye, my fleshly perspective, I have walked backwards. BUT I know that God called me back to Hachie. I know that I am here for a season, I KNOW this. Noone else may understand it, but I KNOW. I've lost everything now, in a way, I've even lost myself. So, now I have to find myself. I have to rediscover who I am, where I went, what I do, etc. I have to define myself. I have to listen to my Spirit, not my heart as I have learned it is deceptive. I can't listen to anyone, ANYONE else. Only I know what God is telling me. Only I know what He speaks to me. If noone else agrees, or noone else understands, that has to be ok...because only I know what He is saying to me, where He tells me to go, what He tells me to do, etc. Only I know.

Broken,

Andrea

Broken Dreams

Broken Dreams. We all have them. We've all dreamt big dreams and then lost them...whether it be because we were afraid, because of the choices we made, or simply because they weren't necessarily God's dreams for us...God dreams big dreams for us, over us. This is where I am now, in the "land of broken dreams". I'm a dreamer, I've always been a dreamer. My siblings might say I'm unrealistic, but what's the point of dreaming, if they seem to big, to perfect to be real, right? I've had alot of dreams in my 32 years of life. Some have come to pass...I have a Master's degree, I have the car I've wanted since I was 16, etc. But some dreams have been broken. Broken so bad that I can't even pick up the pieces. I've had dreams of a marriage, a family, to be a wife and a mother. Sometimes, the reality of these broken dreams is so real, so unbearable, that it is hard to breath. I cry alot when I think about the broken dreams. I know this is where I am right now, it is still fresh, still new. I also know that on the other side of these broken dreams, when I have new dreams, it won't be so painful. These have been dreams I have dreamt my entire life...and for the first time, a year ago, I got so close...closer to seeing this dream become a reality than I've ever been in my life...and then a couple of months ago it began to crumble right before my very eyes, and i didn't know how, or couldn't, stop it. Broken Dreams...I know that God dreams bigger for me than I could ever dream for myself. I struggle with why He would allow things, just to take them away, but no matter what, Blessed be His Name. I'm a blank slate...I have no preconcieved ideas of what my future holds, of what my dreams are. I guess this is a good place to be huh? It allows Him to do whatever He wants...completely. I still have the dream of being a wife and a mother, but I also know that if that wasn't part of His dream for me, it wouldn't be a desire of mine.
He sees the big picture. He knows why this dream fell apart, maybe to allow for a bigger dream for both of us? I don't know...but, I do know that I give Him my broken dreams, so that He can give me His big ones.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I tried:)

Learning to live through my broken dreams,

Andrea

Faithful

I don't know alot of things...Shocker I know!:) But, what I do know is that God is faithful. He is and has always been faithful! He has never failed me, never fallen short of his promises for me. There's a song by Matt Redman called "Never Once." No matter where my life has been, what I've been through, going through, or going to go through, He has and never will leave me to walk alone. I may not understand what He is doing, why He is allowing me, my brother, my family, to walk along this path, through this journey, I don't know, and I may never understand---BUT I know that He is faithful!
There isn't alot more I can say about that. HE IS FAITHFUL! That pretty much sums it up:) So as you may be walking through what seems like the darkest time of your life, you feel you are all alone, you don't understand what God is doing, and you feel like He has left you, that He's just picking on you, or even that He hates you...trust me, He is faithful!

http://youtu.be/7OqZ5Quae8Y

Poured out my best...

I have poured out my best for you. I have given you all that I have, all that I am. I have given you the deepest parts of me, the parts that I held most dear, the parts that were most special. I have given them to you, and in return, I trust, I have to trust, that You will give me Your best. It hurts and it's scary. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know if I'll ever see him again, if I'll ever love like this again, if anyone will ever love me like he does again. I fear that this was my chance, this was my chance at love, at happiness, at being a wife and a mother...BUT You asked that I let him go, that I seek Your face like never before...I just hope You know what You are doing...:) He asked me, "So I have to seek God in order to find you?" I said, "Yes." Hoping that in his seeking God he finds more than me...knowing that there is a chance that he won't find me at all, but he will find something better than he ever dreamed. My prayer for him is that he truly seeks the face of God, that he truly sees God like he has never seen Him before. My prayer is that God completely shakes his world.
I hate being the girl who obeys...I hate the fact that when God asks me to do something, I just do it...yes, I ask questions, and I doubt, but I do it. Because the alternative scares me more. I won't entertain the thought of not obeying...I can't...and I don't know how some people can. There isn't anything that is more important than the obedience of God. I've come too far and I've waited to long to just have my own way, do my own thing...there are too many souls that I have to reach, to many books that I have to write.
Love...I will write a book about love someday. Marriage, I will write a book about marriage someday...what it is supposed to look like, biblically...that I know...so my fear of this being my chance, kind of stupid huh? I know the promises God has given me...I know that He has promised me that my marriage would be so good that it would look like a facade to some, but it would be real. So, this timing thing, this waiting, this broken heart---it will be worth it...atleast that's what I keep telling myself...

Broken hearted,

Andrea

It's better to have never loved at all...

"It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all..."
I disagree with this statement, atleast right now, at this point in my life. Right now, I believe that it is better to have never loved all, the alternative hurts to much. My heart is broken, again, and maybe one can say I've done this to myself. Maybe one can say all the "shoulda, woulda, coulda's," but it is what it is and my heart hurts. I waited for so long to feel love. I waited for so long to find someone who would love me and make me feel like I was the most important person in the world. I waited for 3o years, and then to have to give it all up. How am I supposed to do this? I know all the cliche' sayings, "This too shall pass," "Time heals all wounds," "It'll get easier," "It'll be worth it," etc. Blah, blah, blah...It doesn't change the fact that it hurts, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't understand what I've done or even why. It doesn't change the fact that he has taken this as an attack against his person...it stings to think that he would even entertain the thought that I don't love him, or I don't love him enough. That I don't think he's good enough, or spiritual enough, or whatever. That he would take this as a personal failure.
This isn't about him at all...I wish I could help him to understand that this is about me. This is about me being obedient to the voice of God. He is taking me to a place where His face is what I must seek. I must be so lost in God, the he has to seek God to find me...How do I help him to understand? How do I make it hurt less. How do I show him, tell him, that I love him more than my English words could ever say? That if this was about my will, I would be with him right now and forever...I don't know that he isn't the one...I just know that he isn't the one right now.

To you:
I don't know if you will ever read this...I don't know if I will ever talk to you again...but I need you, I want you, to know that I love you with every breath that I take. I think of you in my every movement. I want for you, God's best. I want you to seek Him with everything that you are and believe Him for the absolute impossible. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you like this, but you must know that this isn't easy for me. I don't want to do it, but I know I have too. One day, I hope we can both believe that the ending will be better than the beginning.
There aren't the right words to tell you what is in my heart, so I will tell you that I will pray for you every day of my life...You have changed my life...tidbits

Broken once again,

Blue

For granted...

I have learned alot over the past couple of months, actually over the past couple of years, but the past few months (almost 7 months) have been a time of stretching, of learning, or change, and so many more things. I have learned to not take anything for granted, or I am trying not to anyways. How many times have you walked outside just because you can? Do you know that there are men and women who haven't seen the sun in months, maybe even years? Last Wednesday was the first time that Shawn had seen the sun in 7 months. It was the first time in 7 months, he felt the wind blow across his face, the first time he heard the birds chirp. How many times have I taken all of those things for granted? Do you know that Shawn hasn't had the physical touch of friend, a hug, in 7 months? How many times have I taken for granted the physical touch, the hug, of a friend for granted? How many times have I taken for granted the freedom I have to choose what and when I want to eat? How many times have I taken for granted the sunrise and the sunset? How many times I have taken for granted the freedom I have to attend church and to worship Jesus the Almighty with my fellow friends and believers? Yes, I have been found guilty to take my physical freedom for granted; But I have also been found guilty of taking my spiritual freedom for granted.
Shawn has taught me that there is no sacrifice that is to great, there is no freedom that is to small. So, for Jesus and for Shawn I will strive to live to my fullest, not taking all the small things I am honored to be a part of, for granted.
Shawn has been transferred out of Ellis county to the Gurney Unit in Palestine, Tx. He was ready, that I know:) He was ready for a change, for something different, something new. Here, he will be able to go outside, etc. Here there seems to be more "freedoms" then where he was at. We haven't been able to talk to him, it will be about a month, but we are praying for him daily and believe that the Lord has gone before him. I know that the sooner he goes, the sooner we get this over with.
We are still waiting for God to perform His miracle. We know that He is going to, on His time:) So many things have already happened, I wish I could share it all with you, but the time will come for that:) God is already using Shawn's story, his website, to change lives. He is already preparing the way and opening the doors, getting things ready for when Shawn comes home! It has been amazing...opening doors for Shawn's book, turning his story into a film, a documentary, and so many other things. I know that Shawn's prayer, as well as the prayer of our family, is that God will recieve the ultimate glory through all of this...we believe that God is going to perform such a miracle that there will be no doubt that it was God. We believe that not only will our extended family and friends be changed and transformed through Shawn's story, our story, but people we have never met throughout the world! We believe that what satan has meant for evil, what he thought he would use to steal, kill, and destroy us, God has and is and will continue to only use for His glory! We are not the same! I know I am not the same and I know that Shawn is not the same! I know that God is changing the Quinney family and we are not the same!
I must go for now, but I will write again soon:)
Keep us all in your prayers and I will keep you all updated the best that I can.

Taking nothing for granted,

Andrea

I had forgotten...

Here I am...I'm sitting in Hastings, using their internet to apply for jobs, update my phone, check my facebook, and think and pray about everything I've gone through, everything I'm feeling, everything I'm facing at this point in my life. Realizing this: I had forgotten. I had forgotten about the things that God has promised me. I have been so wrapped up in the here and now, that I had completely forgotten what His promises for me were. I had forgotten about all the things He has already done in my life. I had forgotten about the time that He healed me as an infant (probably because I only know of this through others, I was only an infant). I had forgotten about what He kept me from when I was a teenager. I had forgotten how, when I needed, actually it wasn't even a NEED, I simply wanted a laptop, He laid it upon a strangers heart to write me a check and mail it to me, because God told her my faith was big and He wanted to bless me with my heart's desire. I had forgotten about how, a few years later when that laptop had crashed, that He blessed me with another laptop, and that same year, somone else gave me a really nice Apple desktop computer. I had forgotten how during my Grandmother's struggle with cancer, He told me over and over that He was going to heal her, and when He didn't heal her the way I wanted, expected Him to, He reminded me that He did heal her...exactly the way He planned. I had forgotten how as a young child He saved me...He has continued to save me from the plans of the enemy. I had forgotten about the time when I was 22 years old and I was lonely, I didn't have any friends, and a lady I didn't know in church, came up to me and told me that God had heard my cry for friends, (a cry that I had never shared with anyone) He has taught me how to be a good friend, and He was going to send me good friends, I would never be without them again. I had forgotten that now, I have more friends than I have ever had in my life, and they are GOOD friends. I had forgotten about the calling, the anointing He has placed on my life. Although it may be undefined, I know that it is there. I had forgotten that He uses me to speak into people in a way that I have never seen anyone else do. I had forgotten about how much He loves me. I had forgotten how He has promised that the ending is going to be so much greater than the beginning. I had forgotten about how He has promised that through all the struggles, all the pain, all the anger, all the confusion, and fear, and worry, and doubt, that HE IS STILL GOD! Just because everything in my life is not perfect, or as I think it should be, does not mean that He has forgotten about me. I am more important to Him than the sparrows in the tree.
God, please forgive me for forgetting. Forgive me for not remembering everything that you have done for me. Forgive me for treating you as if you are human and you are finite. Thank you for reminding me that YOU ARE GOD! Thank you for reminding me that You are supernatural, that what the world says can not be done, you do. Thank you for reminding me that You have never forgotten about me, that You have always been faithful, that You have always come through bigger and better than I could have ever dreamed or asked.

Always trying to remember,

Andrea

Bittersweet

It's been a while since I have been able to write. I had this blog all ready to go on October 6...my brother's 3o bday, but I lost it all---stupid computer...and it was to hard to write again. So, here I am:) I'm all packed and moved. I would really rather never move again, but I am SO grateful for the help that I did have...my mom and I COULD NOT have done it without them:)
Okay, so I am officially a resident of Waxahachie. Am I happy? Well, I know that I am exactly where God wants me, so there is an inner happiness...even thought nothing else is like I want it at all! I do not have a job. I moved here in faith:) I have bills that still have to be paid, that are now 3 months behind. I still owe September's rent for the apartment I just moved out of, etc. BUT I do know that I am where God wants me, He has promised to take care of me, so I must just listen closely to His voice and follow where He leads:) He has promised to never leave me or forsake me:) I did get to actually go see Shawn on Tues. which was very nice. It's so much better "in person" than on the phone---it's actually through a closed circuit television. It's bittersweet. There is never enough time, it goes by way to fast either way. I miss him. I miss talking to him, I miss watching a movie with him and hearing his contagious laughter at the most inopportune times! I miss just knowing he's around.
This is supposed to be the start of a new chapter for me. This is supposed to be the beginning of something amazing---I don't like the way it has started, but I will trust that God knows what He is doing:) I can't do anything else but trust and have faith in Him and His plan for my life:)

Slowly healing,

Andrea

Plans

Life. Sometimes life just stinks. It doesn't go as planned, or atleast how you have planned. That's where I find myself at this time, again. I seem to come here alot, in this place of reflection where nothing has gone as planned. I sure never planned on being single at 32. If you'd asked me when I was in high school, I would have for sure seen myself as married, with kids, maybe a career, or maybe a stay at home mom, etc. Now, I am exactly where God planned for me to be, which is hard to understand. Why would He want me here-32, single, jobless, mooching off family?:) I think it's not necessarily where I am physically, but more of where I am spiritually. I am having to depend on him more now than I ever have in my life. I am confident that I am walking in His will for my life, even if noone else is, and I am so confident, that I don't have to explain myself to anyone...it just is.
I am learning what to hang on to and what to let go of. It isn't an easy lesson, and it is confusing at times. I have found myself asking, "why God," and "are you sure?" many times throughout the past few months. Right now, I don't see a "different" ending, not better, just different. I don't want a "different" ending. Now, I'm not talking about Shawn at all. This is about me, my life.
I do know this-I have this desire inside of me...one that He has been tugging at, one that He has placed there. There is something stirring inside of me, something that He is doing, that He is getting ready to do, that I can't explain and I don't know that I even understand it. It isn't for everyone, and you have to really want it, you have to really desire it. I do know that I want it so bad, that I won't let anything stand in the way. I can't afford it. I have waited to long, prayed for to long, hoped for to long, to just let it pass me by. I have to trust that the things He's taking from me now, the things He is requiring of me now, are going to be worth it...trust, that is hard for me, but I don't have another option!
Will I ever get married? I hope so, but I don't know. Will I ever be a mom? I hope so, but again, I don't know. I know that I have to focus on Him. I know that I want to be so lost in God, that he will have to puruse God to find me, if God's plan for me is marriage. I know that I have to run after Him with everything that I am, and if, in doing so, I get the honor of being a wife and a mom, then so be it; but if not, then so be it. It is well with my soul. It is well. I will strive to be everything that He desires me to be.

Broken,

Andrea

I Don't Know...

Sometimes I just don't have the answers. Sometimes, "I just don't know" is the only answer I have. I don't know how God is going to work all this out. I have to move in a week. I'm packed, but not completely. It's hard packing an entire apartment by myself. It's hard packing up things everyday, things that are Shawn's, going into his room, packing up all his belongings and being reminded that he isn't coming home. That's the thought that my flesh thinks anyways. And then, my Spirit says that My God is a Miraculous God! My Spirit says that there isn't anything that He can't do! He will bring Shawn home, and the 20 years, or the 10 years, won't be. I know that it will all get done, I know that I can do it. But sometimes the only answer I have is "I don't know." I am moving in with my sister and her girls. It's not ideal, but I am thankful that she has offered and is willing:) I know that it is temporary, it has to be for both her and me:) So, I have to figure out what to bring, what to store, etc. I've done this before. I've been here before and it was 10 years before I got that stuff back. This will be different, this HAS to be different. I know that I will get a job. I know that I will be able to move out and live on my own, have my own kitchen, my own stuff. I just feel like, "when?" WHen do I get my breakthrough? When does my family get our breakthroughs? What is it that we haven't learned yet? I do know that satan hates us...he has to, to cause so much turmoil. He has tried to destroy us, individually and together, but you would think that he has learned his lesson, but no, he just keeps on trying.
I'm ready to smile again. I'm ready to laugh again. I'm ready to be happy again. Don't get me wrong, I have joy---that comes from the Lord---but happy...I'm ready to live my 32 year old life like I have it pictured in my head (you know what I mean). I know that it is coming, it's always coming...I'm closer now than ever before:)
I am not who I was. I am not this weak, fragile person that I was, or that I was percieved to be. I know who I am. I know that I am stronger now than I have ever been. I know that three years ago, the first time Shawn was arrested, had things turned out this way---I wouldn't have reacted the same...I couldn't have handled it, or as well as I am now. I am stronger now. My faith in God is greater. I recognize spirits for what they are and I call them out. I am broken, but it's a good broken...if that makes sense. I am pressed but not crushed. I am persecuted but not abandoned. I am struck down, but not destroyed. I am blessed BEYOND the curse, for His promise WILL endure. His joy comes in the morrning!

When everything around me seems impossible, tiring, despairing, I have to change my perspective. I have to not look at the circumstances as my physical eyes see them, I have to look through my spiritual eyes. Those eyes see that My God is so much bigger than my biggest worry. What my physical eyes see as impossible, my spiritual eyes see as completely possible.

The Name of Jesus. He calls Himself the "Great I Am." The mountains shake before Him. The demons run and flee, at the mention of the Name , King of Majesty. There is no power in hell, or any who can stand before the power and the presence of the Great I Am.

Did you know that Waxahachie had a minor earthquake the other night. Shawn said people weren't quite praying hard enough. His walls didn't fall down:)! However, he did take that as God letting him know that He was still God and He could do whatever He wanted. If He wanted to release him with an earthquake in the middle of Texas, He could!:) So, we are expecting miracles now more than ever before:)!
Check out breakingthehush.webs.com. I've added the most recent of Shawn's blogs, you can now leave questions, comments, and prayer requests, and I'm about to add a page for his book!:) All good stuff!

Sorry this was so random, but I'm random:)

Broken,

Andrea

Trusting...

Thank you! Thank you to each and every one of you who have visited the website http://www.breakingthehush.webs.com/. The feedback has been amazing and God is already working through this site. People's lives are already being touched and we have already been able to minister! I know that this has been God-breathed and although I feel so overwhelmed with this honor at times, I know that God will give me the wisdom to do everything that needs to be done:) Shawn is so excited as well, and that is an awesome feeling:)

On another note, I am moving to Waxahachie in a week and a half. I still haven't paid September's rent (waiting on God for a miracle), I am behind on my car payments, and the bills just seem to keep coming. I have applied for every job that I can think of and nothing. I know that God has a plan, and I know that He will provide. His Word says that I can ask anything in His Name and He will answer, so I am asking once again, for His provision, for a job, for the finances to move, for a place to store the things that won't fit at my sisters house, and so many other things that are needed. He is trying and testing me in what seems like every area of my life right now, and boy am I ready for something GOOD! I only hope that through this testing and this trying that I am honoring His Name and He is receiving the glory.

So, please keep or continue to keep my family and I in your prayers. And THANK YOU once again for the amazing responses. Please spread the word, tell your friends, family, co-workers, churches, and everyone else you can think of about "breaking the hush" and help us bring freedom to this world!

Broken and waiting,

Andrea

Here we go...

This is it...this is what I've been working on for the last 72 hours. THis is what I have poured my heart and soul into. I want it to be perfect. I want it to be effective. I want to do this story justice. Many of you have wondered why my blogs have been so dark, so painful over the last couple of months or so...well, this site will help you to understand. My life, my families life, was shaken to the core on August 3, 2011. We got some news that we weren't expecting, that we weren't prepared to hear. We had come so far, we were doing so well. EVERYONE was doing so well. Our family was closer to each other, and to God, then we had ever been. I can say that we were finally getting happy again. Things were looking up...and then BOOM! Everything changed--well, our circumstances changed, but our hope, our trust, our faith in God, that, at times, was questioned, but it was never doubted. We know that GOd has great things in store for us. We are just so ready, I am so ready, to put this chapter, this story, behind us. However, this we know---God works ALL THINGS together for the good of those who love him!!!

This is the story of my brother, the story of my family. It is a story that we are all currently living in. It's a story of forgiveness, redepmtion, restoration, love, grace, mercy, freedom, and hope.

http://www.breakingthehush.webs.com

SO check it out, share it with your friends, your family, your church, your pastors, anyone and everyone that you think needs to hear it!

Broken yet healing,

Andrea

Stay Tuned

I have spent the last 48 hours working on this project for my brother. It has been frustrating, confusing, and difficult, but I will say it has also been rewarding. I am excited about what it to come, I am excited about the opportunities that this is going to open for Shawn, for me, for my family! SO, this is just an anoncement to let you all know that it is coming soon! I hope to launch the website within the next day or two. Are we ready for this? Are we ready for the world to know? Sometimes I don't think so, but I know that there are souls that are ready, there are hurting that are ready, there are broken and bound that need to be freed! This may be their open door. This may contain the key to their freedom! So, Ready or not!:)
Please keep us in your prayers and stay tuned!

Andrea

Life...

I haven't been writing as much as I would like to, but I do not have internet at my house. I have to wait until the weekends when I am at my parents. Enough about that..
.:)
Things in my life are ok, actually, alot of my situations are the same, it's just that my perspective has changed. I am choosing to not to look at my current circumstances, but rather at the One who has the power to change them! I know that He has a plan, and I know that His plan will be revealed in His time...until then, I will choose to have peace.
I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs about a project that my brother and I were up to...well, stay tuned, it is on the verge:) It's just a little bit more difficult then I had planned:) I want it to be completely perfect, because I know what God can and will do through it, I'm just not exactly sure what "perfection" looks like:) So, with alot of prayer and research, I hope to have this project up and going within the next few days. Pray for me!
I still get angry, I still hurt, but in these moments, God seems to find some wat to remind me that He has not forgotten my name. He knows who I am and where I am at. He will use all of this for His glory...I am not going THROUGH all of this for nothing:)!

Still broken~

Andrea

Faithful...

One thing I know-God is faithful. No matter what my circumstances look like, what I may be going through, what I can or cannot see, what I do or don't have, He is faithful! He is faithful to His Word. He is faithful to do what He said He would do. He is good. He is great. He is Mighty.
This blog may be more for me than for anyone else. It is a constant reminder of this journey that He is taking me on. Yes, it has been 5 weeks. It has been 39 days.But I have learned now, that MY GOD is faithful. I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions and I do not believe, by any means, that they are over, BUT I know that He is good! He is so good that when He gets through with this, when I have come through this, there will be nothing but good left. He has been nothing but good to me! Throughout my life, I know that He is good. Sometimes I have to go back a long ways, but I go back because I know that He is good. He saved me.--that is enough:) HE IS GOOD!
I am facing alot of things right now. I don't have a job, but I know that God wants me back in Waxahachie, for a season, back at FFI (Freedom Fellowship International-my church). I know that He has thing He wants me to do, things He wants to do through me, and in me. So, I don't have a job YET, but I am following His lead. Right now, it's one step at a time. He isn't telling me all the steps, He isn't laying them out for me. He has told me to go, to move, so this is what I will do. I trust that once I get there He will open the doors that He wants to. I am packing up my house, and I am going to move to Waxahahcie Oct. 1. It seems my entire life has been a faith walk--He doesn't always (I can't even really remember a time when he has) given me more than one step. I don't know how long I will be in Waxahachie, but I know that I need to be there, FFI needs me to be there and I need FFI. So, one step at a time:)
He's doing things in me. He is stirring something up. Something's moving. Something's changing. See His glory, it feels like Heaven on Earth. There is a stirring in my heart for Him like never before. He is doing something. I'm reminded of the fires that Texas has experienced over the last few weeks. The homes, land, that has been destroyed. It didn't take much, nothing big at all, to turn this little fire into a flame that destroyed hundreds of acres, hundreds of homes. I want my life, the flame of God in me to move like that. I want the flame, the passion of God, to completely overtake me and every one that I come in contact with. It moves fast, it overtakes and overwhelms, it engulfs anything and everything that stands in it's path. Imagine if just my little flame can do so much, what if we put all our little flames together? What would the impact be of that?! He is burning something in Me. I can't explain, because I don't even know that I understand it, or put it into words, but I can feel it, and for the first time in a long time, it excites me...
I know that I am destined to live in the prophetic. I am destined to walk in the supernatural. I am a dreamer. I have an anointing that is mine and mine alone. There are things that God can only do through me. Lord, help me to walk in your divine destiny for my life!


Broken yet healing,

Andrea

Perfect or Permissive?...

I have alot of things on my mind, my heart, today. Some spiritual, some personal, and some random. So, bear with me as I use this, my avenue, to get it all out:)

My God is amazing. His blood breaks every chain. Worship is powerful. He created us to worship Him. God isn't asking for prophets, teachers, evangelists, pastors, or apostles; He's asking for worshippers...if you don't have a heart for worship, then it will be awfully hard to be anything I listed earlier.

The prophetic~if you aren't used to it, if you haven't been raised in it, or exposed to it, then it's really hard for you to understand. I know it was for me. I wasn't raised around it, I knew it existed but I had never really been exposed to it, not like I am today. And I thank God for it. The supernatural realm of the prophetic is a whole new level. Angels, demons, etc. Through the prophetic, He has unleashed giftings in me that I didn't even know I had. My entire future was changed because of the prophetic...meaning that I have always had a calling on my life, but when I was introduced to the prophetic, and became part of a prophetic church, around prophetic people-my future became so much greater than it was already going to be. I am so thankful that God chose to release the prophetic in my life. I couldn't live without it. However, with the prophetic comes great responsibility. I see things, know things, that normally I wouldn't know. I have been given a great burden, a great anointing, and with that I must follow through in prayer and obedience. If you are unsure of the prophetic (there are many areas) but are curious, then I ask that you pray and ask the Lord to show you, to teach you about it. You will be amazed.

God's will. This has been a topic that I have been struggling with for a while now. I have always heard that there is God's perfect will and His permissive will, but how do you know which one is which? What if God's perfect will for you is all tide up in someone else's choices? I mean what if God's perfect will for you in this moment, is for this certain job, but the person on the other end doesn't call you, etc? Do you miss out on the "perfect" will or does He change it? When really He knew it from the beginning? What if God's perfect will for you is to marry this man, but he died in an accident, due to someone else's choice, and you never got the chance to marry him, do you miss out on His "perfect" will or does the "perfect" will change once again? Or is His perfect will just listening closely to His voice? Obeying every thing that He says, walking in complete surrender and just trusting that no matter what choices other people make, His perfect will for you is your relationship with Him? I don't know about perfect or permissive. I don't know if the choices that I have made my entire life have led me into his permissive or have kept me in his perfect, but I do know that I have surrendered my life to Him, I have given up my desires for His, I love Him more than I love myself, and He will direct every step of my way...even when others don't understand it, don't agree with it, call it selfish, or running, or anything else they can think of...I know that His perfect will for me is to follow Him the best that I can and He will bless me abundantly. So, this is what I will do. Run after Him with everything that I have, everything that I am...even when it's hard, even when I'm tired, even when I'm angry at Him and when I don't understand...I will run. Because I have to choose to believe, choose to have the faith and the trust that He who has begun a good work in me will complete it:)

One last thought...Maybe, just maybe, I've gone through everything I've gone through in my life, maybe just maybe, I'm going through everything I'm going through right now is because it is so much bigger than even I know. Maybe, just maybe, I'm going THROUGH all of this, my family is going THROUGH all of this, my brother is going THROUGH all of this, so we can tell the MILLIONS of people aroung the world that we got THROUGH it, and they can too:)! Maybe, just maybe...the thought gives me goosebumps...

Broken yet learning...

Andrea

Have Your Way

I'm back in Tyler after spending a week in Waxahachie to watch my nieces because my sister had inservice. It was a long week, but I had fun:) I should be in Gilmer, I need to go home and start packing up my house. It's just so overwhelming. I feel like I don't have anything to go home to anymore. It's hard just being there. But I know that it has to get done and I'm the only one who can do it.
I don't feel like I belong. I don't feel like I "fit" anywhere. I hate this feeling. I hate being in this place. Yesterday, the final nail was hammered into the coffin of a part of my life. It hurts, and my heart is still so very broken. I want to believe that it is for the best, and I want to believe that God has better, but I don't feel it, I don't know that I can believe it right now.
I feel like I have all these pieces to a puzzle, and I've been trying to put them to the wrong picture. Or maybe I am the piece that is trying to form into the wrong puzzle.
I don't know where to go, or what to do. I don't know if I'm supposed to be in Waxahachie anymore. I mean, I know that someday maybe, but right now I am not sure that there is anything for me there. SO, I don't know where to go, or what to do. I am 32 years old and this sure isn't where I ever thought I would be...in this place.
I have to depend completely on God. He has to be my source for everything. I have to trust Him to provide that job, to provide the money, to provide the house, etc. My heart is to broken to hope for much of anything right now, but I have to trust that He knows what He is doing, and that He will meet me where I'm at.
I've been listening to a song by Britt Nicole called "Have Your Way." It's a hard song to sing, to hear, and to pray, but I have to...Here are the lyrics:

Feels like I've been here forever,
Why can't you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me.

So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust you, God, with where I am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold,
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.

So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust you, God, with where I am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

Even if my dreams have dies,
And even if I don't survive,
I'll still worship you with all my life.
My life.

And I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape.
And I'll trust you God, with where I am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.

I know you will.
I won't forget,
You love me.
Have your way

Thank You

I just want to say Thank you. Thank you to those of you who read this blog faithfully. To those of you who stand by me, who support me, who never judge me. My emotions and my journey, through this blog, have been hard, but they have been real. It isn't always easy to post these. Some days, I feel that what I write may offend people. What? She's angry at God?" "She just called God a liar!" "Can you believe it?!!" But, I don't write these blogs for any one but me. This is the way I have learned to deal with my emotions, to process what I am going through. I don't always feel like I have people that I can talk to--I don't always know what to say, words get fumbled up when they come out and they don't make sense--but through this blog, I have learned that what I feel, what I want to say, flows perfectly through my fingers. I believe that God has given me a gift. I believe that HE talks through me sometimes in these blogs. I started writing these blogs for myself, so I could go back and read what I have written, so I would have a recorded account of the journey that God is taking me on, through. What I am beginning to realize is that these blogs aren't just for me. God is using me to speak life into others, He is using this blog to lift others up when they are down, to remind others that He is always faithful, and that it is ok to be angry at Him sometimes. He is a big God and He can handle it. And to remind people that just because you get angry, doesn't mean that you are sinning, it's what you choose to do with that anger that matters.
So, I thank you, my readers, for choosing to walk on this journey with me; To follow along as I struggle with this thing called life; To watch as I discover these new facets of God. Thank you for the sweet words, these words encourage me to continue to do what I love. Thank you.

On another note, I'm looking forward to start another journey soon...one that I will share alongside my brother. One, that we believe, God is birthing within us, to minister to people the only way we can right now. SO, I ask that you pray for me, for us. I ask that you will hold us up in your prayers, that our words will be from Him and Him alone. That it will be recieved well. That lives would be changed, and in it, we would be changed:) More to follow...

I will leave you with this...Although I may get angry at God, although I may get mad at him at times; although I may question every thing I know, everything I have ever believed in...trust me, I KNOW who He is. I KNOW that He is the Lion and the Lamb. I KNOW that He is Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. I KNOW that nothing happens until it passes through Him first. I KNOW that His ways are greater than mine. I KNOW that if He would have done what we (my family) wanted Him to, it would have been a miracle---a miracle that only we would have known about, but nonetheless a miracle. But now, now He has just set Himself on a platform to perform a miracle that a whole lot more people will witness. He has now set Himself up to perform the impossible. What man says cannot and will not and should not happen, God is going to prove wrong. His glory will be made known to the nations, this I do believe, through what He is going to do. My family will never be the same! He is changing us, for the better. I wish I could share with you all the details of what He is doing, of what Satan has tried to destroy, and how God has recieved the glory over and over. It isn't time yet, but when that day comes, I hope that you too will be blessed, that if you do not have a personal relationship with Him, that our story, the story that He is writing for us, will cause you to seek after one with Him. If you do have a relationship with Him, my prayer is that this story will forever change how you see Him. That our story will somehow bring you closer to Him then you have ever been. This is all that matters. Everything that I have gone through, everything that I have faced, everything that the future holds, is only for one purpose...to bring glory to His name, to see souls turned to Him. That is why it is so important for me to be real, for my emotions to be raw, for this blog to be open and honest, so that if on the chance someone reads this who is struggling with who God is, or has never heard His name, they will see that I am human, that I feel pain, that I feel anger, but He is greater than all those things! This is my prayer, that if I must go through these things, I will do it for His glory, for the advancement of His Kingdom. Trust me, I am not done with this journey at all, there are many more days to come, some filled with sadness, some filled with doubt and questions, some still filled with anger, and hopefully, some filled with joy and laughter. I know that there are many more bumps and turns in the road. I don't know what the road is going to look like, but I do know that the destination is the same. I know that when all this over and we look back at what we've gone through, when the emotions aren't so fresh, when we don't have to live breath by breath or moment by moment as much as we have to now, when we can talk about it, without shedding tears, or experiencing doubts, I know that we will be much stronger than we have ever imagined. I know that our faith in God will be indescribable, and our testimonies will be amazing!
What satan has meant for evil, MY GOD Will turn to good!!:)

Broken but learning to heal,

Andrea

Hebrews 11:1

What is Hope? Merriam-Webster defines it as: to cherish a desire with anticipation; to desire with expectation of obtainment; to expect with confidence...
What is faith? Merriam-Webster says its: alligiance to duty or a person; firm belief in something to which there is no proof; complete trust.

So, I have hope that everything is going to work out. I don't know how, but I have hope. I cherish this desire with anticipation:) I also have the faith in God to KNOW that He is going to prove Himself once again:) You see, He could have done what we thought He was going to, He could have come through for us the way we thought He said He was going to...had He chosen to do this, we (my family) would have KNOWN that is was God, completely God. But now, now He has set Himself up for the impossible. He has set Himself up to do something that everyone says can't happen, or won't happen. He has placed us in a position for a miracle! So now, it isn't going to be just my family that KNOWS it was God, but everyone that we have touched, everyone that is involved, and even those who arent. God has made sure that this way, He is going to recieve more glory than He would have before. This way, more souls will be saved, more lives will be touched. The playing field has just gotten bigger.

Hebrews 11:1 says: "Now faith is the confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (NIV)
I love this version:) The Message says: "The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see."
Without my faith, my hope, my life isn't worth living. If I didn't have my hope, my faith in God, it would make these struggles, this life completely impossible for me to live. I thank God that I have Him. I thank God that even when everything else seems to fall apart, when I have a million questions, when I get angry and throw temper tantrums, when I, in my humanness, worry and doubt, that He is my constant. I am thankful that He never changes, that He never fails, that I am never to much for Him to handle. I am thankful for who He is!:)
I am learning who He is to me. You may know Him as your savior, as the One who loves you, anyone who has a relationship with Him knows this. But I am learning who He is to me, personally. To Me, He is my Constant. He is my rock. He is the One who sustains Me. When the storms of life are happening and the waves are crashing in on me, He is the Rock that I hide under. He is the One who keeps me safe, yes, I may get wet, but I will not drown:)

Who is He to you? Where is your hope? Your faith?

Broken but thankful,

Andrea

I KNOW...

Today is an okay day...Today most teachers and teachers started school...I thought I would be one of those, but at this point, I am not. I'm still trying to understand what God is doing, I've resigned to figuring it out, I never will, but trying to understand it, still working on it. My emotions are a roller coaster. I still get angry, I still hurt, I still get sad, I still cry, but I am learning how to deal with each emotion as it comes. I know that God knows what He is doing and I know that He has a plan...that knowledge, however, doesn't make it any easier. I still have losses, I still have holes in my heart, it's still broken, I'm still hurt...
The Word...this is where I find my strength, this is where my help comes from. Although it is still hard, my life, I am so thankful that I have the Word of God that becomes alive in Me. I have His promises that I can cling too---even though sometimes I feel like they aren't true---I know they are. I know that what I can't see with my human eyes, I can see with my spiritual eyes. I know that NOTHING is impossible for Him. I know that greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world. I know that My God shall supply ALL my needs. I know that He is Jehovah Jireh, I know that there is power in the very name of Jesus. I know that perfect love cast out all fear. I know that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind. I know that His peace is a peace that passes ALL understanding. I know that Joy comes in the morning. I know that His mercies are new every morning. I know that the Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him. I know that the steps of a righteous man are ordered by God. I know that the righteous are never forsaken. I know that the just shall live by faith. I know that the God of Jacob, of Moses, of Abraham, of Isaac, of Paul, of Peter, of Smith Wigglesworth, of C. S. Lewis, of Billy Graham, of my grandmother, is the SAME God that lives in Me! He is the same God! HE hasn't changed, He has never been unfaithful, He has never broken a promise, He has never left me hungry, or without a roof over my heard, or without anything else that I NEED. He knows every detail that needs to happen, for me personally, and for my family. He knows the time frame that it needs to happen in and he knows the finances that are needed to make it happen. He is a detailed God, and He is a strategic God! This is the God I serve and this is the God that is going to come through for me and for my family once again!

Broken yet hopeful,

Andrea

The Whole Story....

I'm just so confused. I'm so confused about who You are. I know what Your Word says, and I know who You are supposed to be, but I'm so confused as to who You are to me. Who You are supposed to be to me. I'm hurt, that much I know. I'm broken, and I'm angry. Everybody knows that now...My head knows all these things about you that I'm suppsed to know. I know that You haven't left me, haven't left us. I know that You haven't lied. I know that you do not withold any good thing from your children. I know that you have a plan, and I know that your love remains with me, and that your love is perfect. I know that things happen and sometimes you turn your head, because you hate to see your children hurt, you hate to see us in pain, but you know the greater picture. Just like Your Son Jesus, after He had been beaten and bruised and nailed upon a cross, He cried out, "Father Why Have You forsaken me?" And you turned your head away from Him---because you knew the whole story, you knew the outcome, and you couldn't bare to see him in pain...and now 2000 years later, you are turning your head away from me because you know the whole story. You are allowing this pain, this hurt because you know the whole story....I don't understand it and I am mad at you for it...but I have to trust that you really do know the whole story, and that You really do love me more than I can even think or imagine...because if I can't know this, then there really is no point is there?...this life would be hell on earth...So, even in my brokeness, even in my pain, in my anger I say thank you. THank you for loving me, thank you for seeing the whole story, for loving me enough to want the ABSOLUTE best for me, no matter how much that hurts!
My final thought is this: IF my God is for us, then who could ever stop us? and if our God is with us, then what could stand against us. With YOU, ANYTHING is possible...and this is what I'm striving to grab a hold of...
My head KNOWS all these things...and maybe my soul does too, but my heart? My heart doesn't seem to believe in any of it right now...

Broken still,

Andrea

Dear God

Dear God,

I'm angry at You. I've been angry for a while now, but I have just seemed to realize exactly how angry I am. I have many "reasons" for this anger. I'm angry that you didn't stop this. I'm angry that this is the path that you decided for us. I'm angry that you didn't ask me. I'm angry because you could have "fixed" this, you could have changed this. You, and You alone have the power to decide every moment of our lives, yes, we have free will, but this wasn't a "free will" decision. This wasn't a choice that we were given, this was You. You did this! Everyone says, "God's a big God. He can handle your anger. He can handle it." So, I sure hope they are right. I hope that you can handle this.
I'm angry because for 30 years you allowed boys/men to stay at arms length away from me, because you knew that I fall hard, that I don't always think before I act...whether it was a time issue or a placing issue, a mom's prayer, for whatever reason, you allowed it...and then you allowed this man to come into my life--I prayed, I felt like I sought your face, before I did anything, before I made any decision and I spent an entire year with this man, even though it was long distance, nonetheless...and then you took him from me. You asked me to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life...YOU asked me to let him go...and I did it...I did it...This man who knows everything about me, my past, my present, and the dreams of my future...and you who knew how hard it is for me to trust people, to open up to people...and I did it with this man, because I fell inlove with him...because I thought you said it was ok...and then you asked me to let him go....How dare you...
And then, when I had made peace with it, with You...you do this...you chose this...and then you just leave me in the dark and ask me to simply trust You. I'm so angry because you not only took him away, but you decided to take the other one away too (I know I'm being discreet, sorry), you took two of the most important people in my life and you don't seem to even care. If that was all there was, if that was it, then maybe this would be a little "easier." But, now I have no job, I have no source of income, I have a car that has to be paid, insurance that has to be paid, I now have to move out of the home I have built for myself, to I have no idea where...I have to pack up a house full of memories, all the good ones, yet a constant reminder of the present circumstances. The car I drive, the place I live, a tv show, a commercial, a song, a joke--everything is a constant reminder...
So, I'm angry and right now, I don't know how to get past it. I don't know how to move from this place. I don't know if I hear your voice at all...everything I thought I had heard apparently was wrong, so now I wonder...I can't see past this moment. I can't see the bigger picture. I know that You say you know the end from the beginning, I know that you say that Your Ways are higher than ours, I know that you say that I am going to come out of this stronger than I went in, and that souls are going to be saved, etc. Right now, I just don't know if it is truly going to be worth it. I'm just so hurt, so broken, so confused. I try not to worry, but I don't have a job, so it's hard to stay busy and "keep my mind off things." I'm angry, God, because right now, to me, You are a liar. You told me, us, all these things that were supposed to happen, that WERE going to happen, and they didn't , you lied. I know that you don't lie but in my human, finite mind...you didn't follow through with what you promised, so therefore you lied...and I'm angry, just angry.
I'm biting my nails again...I had just stopped doing that...I did everything you asked...and still...

Your Angry yet broken child,

Andrea

Imagine

Warning: the views and opinions expressed in this blog are merely that---my views and opinions, they may or may not be yours and that is ok...but it is my blog that you are reading, therefore I am entitled to my opinion:) Read with caution!

What's on my heart right now? Well, thank you for asking:)
Worship. I wish people could really see, could really understand my heart for worship...I may not be a leader, or even on a team, but nonetheless, my heart, my entire being is made for worship.

Here lately I have really been watching worship videos of "The Ramp" (if you have never heard of them you should check it out, it's a youth ministry that Karen Wheaton started about 12 years ago---amazing and powerful!) on YouTube. Bryn Waddell is the Ramp worship leader. Every time I watch him, listen to him, my heart cries out. Oh how I want to worship like these people worship---and it's not just teens...they worship God with pure abandonment. They do not care what others think...they just simply and wholly worship the Lord Jesus Christ.

Abandoned worship is to worship Him without restraint, without control, without inhibitions. To completely give up yourself to Him. Imagine with me: Everyone worshipping Jesus with abandon...imagine the power that is in that...no distractions, no worries...everything is focused on Him, every thought is focused on Him. If this happens, all of a sudden, every worry, every problem, every fear, every hurt, EVERYTHING disappears in the image of Him. With just the mention of His name, mountains move! Can you picture that? You don't have to scream out His name, you don't have to pay, you don't have to do anything but muster up enough breath to speak His Name and mountains move!! Chains are loosed, bondages are broken, broken are restored, wounded are healed, joy is restored, sins are forgiven, debts are paid, money comes in, promotions, marriages are restored, souls are saved, demons tremble, EVERY knee bows, every tongue confesses that He is Lord, everything and anything that you need is brought to you---just when you SAY THE NAME of Jesus!

Imagine: if all those things can happen with just the whisper of His Name--what do you think will happen if we worship Him with complete and total abandon? Wow! I am so honored that He has given me a heart of worship...I long to worship Him with complete abandon. I long to see His face, I long to see Him! We were created to worship Him. Our sole purpose on earth is to worship Him; to have a relationship with Him! When we worship Him, we become less and He becomes more! For me, worship isn't about the song that you sing, it's about the words of those songs...how many times have we just sung the song without really feeling the words, without really knowing what we sing?
For instance: in the song "Beautiful One"--it says "My soul, my soul must sing..." It isn't saying your soul can sing if it wants....My soul, my soul MUST sing. Our soul was created to sing to Him! Our soul MUST sing, it cannot just be quiet, it MUST sing!

Through my worship deliverance comes, through my worship, my chains are loosed. Miracles happen! The things that are deemed as impossible happen when I worship! Unexplainable things happen! You never know what God can do for someone else through your worship!

Another thought: freedom--if you are truly free then you will truly worship. My definition of worship may not be the same as yours and that's okay. "Everyone worships differently." This is a saying I have heard and witnessed my entire life. I have seen dancers, jumpers, those who worship quietly, those who worship with their arms folded and their heads bowed---and that's okay I suppose. My only problem with this is if you are really free...free from your bondage, free from your sin, free from those things that have tormented you,--then how can you just sit there? That, in and of itself, should make you want to shout it from the mountaintops! Being truly free, you should want to dance and jump and prophecy it to the nations! We are free! Jesus Christ DIED, He gave up His life, was beaten and bruised, and took your sins upon His self, just so we could be free! Yet, we just sit there and "worship" Him with our arms folded, concerned about what other people may think of us...I just don't get it. Now, I will be the first to say that I have not been completely free in my worship, but my heart's cry is that God would change me!

My challenge to you: if you already have the heart of worship--ask God to help you worship Him with pure abandonment. To really worship Him with everything that you are---to truly understand the words you are singing. To put aside the worries of this world, of your world, and worship the Great I Am!
If you don't have a heart of worship-ask God to give you one:)

My prayer is this: That God would break my box, that He would loose my worship! That I would worship Him with pure abandon! Because He is worthy! He is worthy even if He never does another thing for me...He is worthy even if He leaves the circumstances in my life the way they are right now--He is still worthy of all of my worship--all of me!

God, I pray that I would have the courage to worship you with pure abandonment. I pray that you would increase my heart of worship! Lord, help the songs I sing not just be songs, but help them to be words of life that change me! You created my soul to worship you---help me to live for my sole purpose!! --Amen

I am going to include a few links to some videos of what I believe is abandoned worship:) Enjoy!

Striving to worship with abandonment,

Simply Drea

We Exalt Your Name---The Ramp Worship Band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX5DSo8qiAo

Catherine Mullins @ The Ramp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0jzxs-X5N4

and finally Spencer Kopp w/ Eddie Jam singing Freedom Medley Pt. 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9P1s2_fpfM

and Pt. 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlgDvJDoOb0&feature=related

overwhelmed..

So many things running through my mind...over and over and over. How do I make them stop? This blog will probably be random, because that's how my thoughts are coming here lately. There are so many things that have to be done, that I have to do in the next few weeks. My first thought is ,"How am I gonna do all this?" Followed by, "How am I going to afford to do all this?" I have no job, I have no money, I have bills that have to be paid, things that have to get fixed, I have to pack, and move, and figure out where I'm gonna live and what I'm gonna do with all the stuff, and where I'm going to put it...How am I going to pay my bills? How is all this going to happen...I know that God is a God of the details, and I know that He knew all of this before even I did, but I am human and I think ALOT! I will choose to trust Him to work out the details, all the details, because I don't have any other option...He is going to have to do this, because quite simply, I cant.
I had an interview on Monday. They said they would call by Tues. morning, seeing as how new teacher inservice started today, Wednesday. However, my phone never rang. They never called. It gets really frustrating, you know. If you are going to be a professional, atleast have the decency, the respect to call and let people know. THey are counting on knowing. We are counting on knowing...either way, we deserve to know. This isn't the first time this has happened. Apparently, schools do this all the time. Atleast to me anyways.
I am still trusting and believing in God. However, this is not how I wanted it to happen. I told God I didn't want to rush, I wanted to be able to take my time. And now, everything is already so overwhelming, and I don't even have a job...
I am still choosing to trust, I am still choosing to believe that He has a greater plan...but I am human and sometimes it's hard. I know that when I look back on this time, I will see and be amazed at what God has done. It's just hard when you're in it:) I'm ready to start writing happy blogs, joyous blogs, victorious blogs. We still have a long ways to go, but I am ready for some good things to come...

Broken and learning,

Andrea

I Choose...

Today I choose to trust...it isn't easy, and there isn't always a "clear definition" of what choosing to trust means to me, but on this day, I CHOOSE to trust that my Heavenly Father is working on my behalf, on my brother's behalf, on my family's behalf. I CHOOSE to trust Him to work out every detail, EVERY detail that I have already, and haven't even, thought of. He knows the end from the beginning, so I have to trust that He already knows how this story, this chapter, is going to end. He knows how everything is going to work out. Yes, I am still angry, I'm still hurt, BUT that's ok...God is big enough to handle it, to handle me and my tantrum's....When I scream, flail my arms and stomp around, he is big enough to take it. He is big enough to take my questions, my anger, my bitterness, all of it. He is God afterall...
It isn't going to be easy, I'm not always going to feel like it, I'm gonna have fits of rage, anger. I'm gonna still scream and yell and throw tantrums, but in the end, I will still CHOOSE to trust Him. I will CHOOSE to believe that HIS story is going to be so much better than mine would have been. I'm going to CHOOSE to believe that the outcome of this is going to be greater than even I can imagine or fathom. I'm going to CHOOSE to believe that the brother that I know now, the strong, humble, amazing, passionate, man of God is going to be so much greater than he already is. I'm CHOOSING to believe that my family, the Quinney family, is going to be stronger and closer than we already are, that we are going to have a testimony that is greater and more powerful than we have ever imagined! I am CHOOSING to believe that every day that I wake up is going to be a day of hope, a day of miracles, a day for God to prove to us that He is in fact right in the middle of all of this...
So, today I CHOOSE to have hope, to not worry about what tomorrow brings, but rather have hope for the opportunity for miracles! Lord, let it be swift:)

Choosing hope in the brokeness,

Andrea

waiting...

Today, I keep waiting to wake up...surely this all can't be real. It can't be my life...it can't be what I'm really going through? What my family is really facing? Surely this has to be a joke, a sick joke. And then I pinch myself and realize this is REALLY happening. This is my life.
Monday I have a job interview...any other time I would've been so excited, but now, now I find myself wondering how I can move forward. Move at all. There is so much that needs to be done, and the finanaces just aren't feasible, there isn't enough time in the day...and if I get this job? How do I move, EVERYTHING, and where do I move it...I won't have a paycheck for a while, I'll have to live at my sister's out of a suitcase for who knows how long? How can I do everything that needs to be done, and move forward without feeling guilty for just living? How do I be happy for myself? How do I one day get married? How do I do these things without him there? I can't fathom the thought. I don't want that to be the case. So, I live for today...moment by moment. Praying for a miracle, yet unable to really hold out any hope for one at all because frankly, my heart just can't take it. I have lived my whole life as a fantasizer, loving the "happily ever afters," and now the reality is more real than it has ever been...this time the "happily ever after" doesn't seem like it's coming any time soon...
I need God, this God that loves me, this God who knows the ending from the beginning, every detail, every movement, everything...I need Him to come through, BIG and soon!
I'm still angry, I'm still confused, I'm still hurt...I think I will be for a while, but I am working through them...slowly but surely. It still isn't easy and I still hate it, but it is what it is and it is my life...

Broken.

Andrea

The story was good enough...

I'm probably going to be writing in this alot. One day I am going to write a book, and I need to remember this page in my story, this chapter, actually this will probably be the whole story! Right now, I can't imagine being "on the other side" of this. I can't imagine these feelings, these emotions just being a distant memory. Right now they are all so fresh, so raw, so real. I'm angry. I'm completely angry. I'm angry at people, but ultimately it comes down to being angry at God. He's the one who couldv'e changed this, fixed it, returned a different outcome. He's the one who ultimatlely decided. Yes, He "left it in the hands of..." but ultimately, He decided this.
I'm finding it hard to breath. I'm finding it hard to move forward. I'm finding it hard to be happy. And this whole trust thing...just trusting that He knows what He's doing. Right now, that doesn't seem like a good idea. How can this be "better?" How can this be the best thing? I was perfectly okay with the first story's ending...It made for a good story, a great story. Why did we need to add more chapters? The story was just fine.
I'm finding it hard to process what the next few days, weeks, months, (years?) are going to look like. My mind can't imagine or even comprehend that, for me, for my family. I KNOW all the things I'm supposed to know. I KNOW that God is faithful, I KNOW that in the end it's going to be worth it all, I KNOW that He knows what He's doing, I KNOW that He sees the whole picture and we just see the here and now...blah blah blah...I KNOW all of these things...however, it's a whole lot easier to say, to believe, when it's for someone else...but when you are the one walking in the pitch black tunnel, without even a flashlight (because you hadn't even been prepared to be in the tunnel at all), all of the things you KNOW to be true have a hard time proving themselves.
So, here we continue to walk through this tunnel because we have no room to go anywhere or do anything else. We can't go backwards, we can only move forwards. I mean, we could just stop in sit right where we are at, but we want out of this...one thing I do know is that I want out of the present so bad that I HAVE to move forward...
This blog has been and will continue to be real, to be raw. IF you choose to read it, then you are choosing to walk with me as I struggle with anger, doubt, fear, disbelief, etc. You are choosing to read the words that I write through my tears, my pain, my heartache, and maybe hopefully one day, my joy. You are choosing to become a raw and real part of my world. You are choosing to watch me question everything I have ever believed in and hopefully find that my beliefs have been true. You are taking on the responsibility to not just read the words I write, or feel the emotions that I go through, but you are choosing to be a prayer partner, to seek the throne of God for me, for my family, when we can't do it ourselves. You are choosing, like Aaron and Hur, to hold up our hands (through prayer) when we can not hold them up anymore, when we feel weak and tired, when we feel like we are losing the battle. I need you to make sure that this is a responsibility that you are up for...because I promise you that it wont be easy, you will get frustrated, and maybe even angry yourself...hopefully, I can also promise you that the ending result to this story will in itself be a great reward for you:) So, if I don't say it again...I thank you for choosing to be a part of this journey...you may think it is a small part, but I promise you it is greater than you will ever know!
When I write that book, you'll get yours free:)

Broken

Andrea

Where do we go from here...

Almost two weeks ago I wrote on my blog about how my heart had been broken into a million pieces...what I didn't know then was that there was still more pieces to be broken. Yesterday, my life was completely turned upside down. I won't go into a lot of detail because, let's face it, although this may be my online journal...it is just that, "online." Yesterday, at about 5:45pm, everything I thought I new about God was questioned, everything I believed in, everything I hoped for was shattered. For a split second, I felt hopelessness, anger, shock, disbelief, fear, rage, sadness, hurt, and so many other feelings that I don't have the words for. I don't know how people who do not have a relationship with the Lord survive. Yes, I still feel alot of those things, but the hopelessness--I KNOW that He is My hope. Without Him I would have no hope.
We were so sure of the outcome. We were so sure of what was going to happen, we knew what God had promised us. There were so many people praying, so many people believing for a miracle, believing and interceding. We were so sure...we were so sure...and then to be wrong, to not have prepared ourselves for the "what if's" because that would be doubting, not believing, not having faith in God. We prayed for God's will to be done, but we were so sure what His will was to be...
Now, as this day approaches, I am faced with the "where do I go from here?" Where do we as a family go from here? What do we do? How do we make it through every day? How do we make it through, and truly LIVE, not just go through the motions? How do I make it through? How do I truly LIVE and move forward with my life and not feel guilty?
My struggle right now is this...remember that I am only human....I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I have seen God move mountains for people, I have heard stories, and seen myself, miracles. I have had faith to believe for the impossible. But now-32 years later, when I needed Him to come through for me and my family...He failed me. Yet, I KNOW He didn't. I KNOW that He knew this was going to happen all along, so why didn't He prepare us? Why did He make all those promises to us and then not follow through? Why are these things happening? These are all questions that invade my mind at night when I should be sleeping...and then during the day, I just move through the motions...at times I even find the need to remind myself to breath.
I KNOW that God is faithful and I KNOW that He has never left me or forsaken me. I KNOW that He is in complete control and I KNOW that He knows what He is doing, but I struggle right now with trusting Him. I struggle with having the faith to believe. I struggle with hope...I'm just broken, so broken.

Completely Broken~

Andrea

Obedience is better...

Obedience is better than sacrifice...this is so true, but sometimes God requires both. This is what I am learning. Sometimes God asks for both obedience and sacrifice. This is where I am at in my walk with Him right now. He has asked me for 100% obedience, but with that came a sacrifice that was the hardest thing I've ever done. He asked me to sacrifice my hopes, dreams, plans, and love, in promising that He would prove to be so much greater than all these things I had. I have yet to see the results of this sacrifice (it's only been a little over a week:)) but I am trusting that He will follow through with His promises. He has promised to move quickly, with blessings, abundantly. He has promised that this year (my 32 birth year) would be the greatest that I have seen...hard to imagine since it started out as the hardest I have ever experienced. I know that He is faithful and that His plans are mighty. I know that in my obedience He will find me faithful. I am not saying in any way has this been easy. It is a constant struggle and a daily reminder. But I love Him more than I want anything or anyone in this world.

Still Broken but Walking Forward,

Simply Drea<><

Hard...

Here I am in this place...this place I never thought I would be. I have no idea what is next, no idea where to go or what to do. What do you do when all your plans, when all the things you've hoped for, all the things you've planned for crumble at your feet? The only thing I know to do is to turn to the Maker of my being, the Lover of My soul. He is the only One who knows exactly where I am, He knows exactly what this feels like. He knows my heart has been completely broken into a million pieces, and He alone can mend it back together. When I can't sleep and when I don't know how I am going to get up in the morning, He is there picking me up and holding my tears in His hands. He has a plan that is far greater than I can ever imagine and even in the pain, His will be done. What if these raindrops are really Your blessings in disguise? What if Your healing through these tears? What if all these sleepless nights are what it's taking for me to know You are near? What is this trial is really Your mercies in disguise?

TO YOU:
I don't remember my life before you, it was only a year, but it was a year that completely changed me. It was a year that I wouldn't trade for anything, no matter what...
For the first time in my life you showed me what it means to truly be loved, completely loved for who I was, for who I am, and for whom you knew I was going to be. You loved me as unconditionally as humanly possible. You were my earthly example of My Heavenly Father's love for me. You are my best friend, the one I cried with, laughed with, and dreamed with. YOu are an amazing man with an amazing future in store. I hope that one day you will see yourself the way that I see you. I hope that one day, when you look in the mirror you will see all the love, strength, courage, gentleness, kindness, and beauty that I see. My prayer for you, is that you will find what you are looking for, that you will find that inner peace, that you will finally be settled in who you are and who you are in Him. Whereever that is and where ever that sends you and whatever that means to you. I love you with my whole being and a part of me always will. If our paths should cross again, then I will love you more, but if this is where our journey together ends, I want to leave you with this---you are an amazing man who has an amazing gift. You have given me the gift of being loved, and that is something that is irreplaceable and I will carry it with me forever. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I pray that we will find the courage to move forward, that we will continue to seek His will above our own and we will find the strength to move on. I pray that the hurts will heal and we will be able to use them to minister to others, and in the hurt we will become a better version of ourselves. I pray that as we seek His will for our lives, we will find that His plans are good, so good. I pray that through this we have learned that true love is a gift, a rare gift, and should we get the chance to give this gift again that we will treat it with the highest of respect. I pray that we have learned to love harder and live greater. Finally, I pray that in the face of questions, opinions, and judgements that we will raise our heads high, and stand firm in our Savior. I will always love you...tidbits.

Broken,

Andrea

The Potters Hand

Isaiah 64:8 says, "Yet, O Lord, You are our Father, we are the clay, and You our Potter and we all are the work of Your hand." (Amplified)

How true this is...just when I think God, the Potter, is just about to perfect His masterpiece, me, finds some imperfection, no matter how large or how small it may be. Instead of just digging it out, covering it up, smoothing it over, the Potter chooses to start over...He smashes me down to nothing but a piece of clay, and he starts all over...it hurts, I hate it, and it isn't fun, but He wants His masterpiece to be just that, a Masterpiece.

This is where my life is right now, in this moment. God just smashed me down, everything I was, everything I knew, everything I had, or wanted, or dreamed about my life, He took it all in His hands and flattened it to nothing, so He can start all over. I hate these times, they aren't fun, they hurt, I think this one has hurt the worst, in fact I know it has, but He never promised it would be easy, He never promised that I wouldn't get hurt, He just promised that He would walk with me through it all. He promised to never leave me. So this is the journey that I am on...one of new discoveries, letting go, holding on, learning to trust His will to be done in Me no matter how hard it is or how long it takes.

This morning on my way to work I listened to this song over and over (accidentally hit repeat, but it must have been a God thing) and I had no idea, until that moment, what exactly this song means to me in this moment of my life:

One Thing Remains by Jesus Culture

Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trials and the change

One thing remains

One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes

It overwhelms and satisfies my soul

And I will never have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered

By the power of your great love

My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

I hope this song speaks to you as it has, and continues to speak to me. This song, right now in my life, helps me see that God's love is the only true reason that I get up in the morning. There isn't anything, no heart break or break up, or word, or circumstance, or fear, or rejection, or absolutely anything else that will keep God's love from me. No matter what I've done, or what I've faced, there isn't ANYTHING that will keep God from loving me completely and unconditionally!

Have you felt His love for you lately? Have you allowed Him to wrap His amazing arms of love aroung you and meet you exaclty where you are? I encourage you to let Him, there's absolutely nothing like it!

Broken,

Andrea

WIDE AWAKE

David. (to Elijah):


This morning was the first morning I can remember, that I didn't open my eyes and feelthat sadness...I thought the person who wrote that note had an answer for me.





Elijah. (to David)


That little bit of sadness in the morning you spoke of? I think I know what that is. Perhaps you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.





_M. Night Shyamalan's film Unbreakable





Unbreakable is a fictional story about a seemingly ordinary person who discovers he is nothing less than a superhero.





This is an excerpt from a book by Erwin Raphael McManus called "Wide Awake: The Future is Waiting Within You." This book has transformed my life. There are too many amazing people with unfulfilled lived and unfulfilled dreams. Its life we have yet to discover that we are more than we know. I may not know you well, or even at all, but I do know this one thing: there is a hero within you waiting to be awakened. Each one of us has an extraordinary potential that has yet to be awakened. This world, this generation needs us to find the hero within is. We have to choose the BEST life for us. We have to stop sleeping through our dreams!
This world needs us to stop sleeping through our dreams. This generation needs us to dream WIDE AWAKE! Can you imagine what would happen if we stopped sleeping through our dreams and started dreaming while WIDE AWAKE?
Think about it...
I invite you to start dreaming with me wide awake! Let's wake up from our sleep and start putting into reality the dreams God has for us!

Dreaming WIDE AWAKE,

Andrea<><

A New Beginning...

Here we go again...I know I keep promising to be better at this blog thing and then I keep failing...but this time I mean it:) I need this as an outlet. I always seem to write what is in my heart, better than I can speak it. I also tend to be very guarded in what I say, what I share, but I am learning that there are some things that I need to share for myself, and in hopes of maybe inspiring others as well. This life is a journey and I am learning every day how much I need God. He has got to be in complete control of my life, every area, every aspect, or this just doesn't work!
My 32 birthday was on Wednesday. It's so weird because I sure don't feel 32! Every year I always think about the years past...where I am, what I've accomplished, what I have yet to do. This year wasn't any different. I found myself being sad because my life wasn't where I wanted it to be...I spent my bday with my parents...my brother was not around, my sister and nieces are in another town, my boyfriend lives 2 hours away and had to work, etc. I was all sad, etc. However, God really got on to me for dwelling on these things. He is in control and He is preparing me for so many great things! I just have to wait...ahhh...It turned out to be an amazing birthday. My boyfriend, Tracy, made me a cake...and it wasn't just a cake folks, it was a marble cake with fudge icing, white chocolate covered strawberries on top with white chocolate drizzle! It was amazing and it tasted as good as it looked!!:) Thank you baby! My sister and girls made me dinner. Each of the girls made me cards with magazine cut outs of all the things they would buy me if they could and it was all so sweet!:)
I'm excited to see what this new year brings for me and for the ones I love!
So, here's to new beginnings, new challenges, new hopes, new dreams, the reviving of some old ones, new lessons learned, and a new level with God!
I hope you will all share in this journey with me, walk with me as I learn to walk closer with Him. I hope you will share in my triumphs, share in my disappointments, share in the things I learn, and the things I have to share!:)
Love to all!:)