Plans

Life. Sometimes life just stinks. It doesn't go as planned, or atleast how you have planned. That's where I find myself at this time, again. I seem to come here alot, in this place of reflection where nothing has gone as planned. I sure never planned on being single at 32. If you'd asked me when I was in high school, I would have for sure seen myself as married, with kids, maybe a career, or maybe a stay at home mom, etc. Now, I am exactly where God planned for me to be, which is hard to understand. Why would He want me here-32, single, jobless, mooching off family?:) I think it's not necessarily where I am physically, but more of where I am spiritually. I am having to depend on him more now than I ever have in my life. I am confident that I am walking in His will for my life, even if noone else is, and I am so confident, that I don't have to explain myself to anyone...it just is.
I am learning what to hang on to and what to let go of. It isn't an easy lesson, and it is confusing at times. I have found myself asking, "why God," and "are you sure?" many times throughout the past few months. Right now, I don't see a "different" ending, not better, just different. I don't want a "different" ending. Now, I'm not talking about Shawn at all. This is about me, my life.
I do know this-I have this desire inside of me...one that He has been tugging at, one that He has placed there. There is something stirring inside of me, something that He is doing, that He is getting ready to do, that I can't explain and I don't know that I even understand it. It isn't for everyone, and you have to really want it, you have to really desire it. I do know that I want it so bad, that I won't let anything stand in the way. I can't afford it. I have waited to long, prayed for to long, hoped for to long, to just let it pass me by. I have to trust that the things He's taking from me now, the things He is requiring of me now, are going to be worth it...trust, that is hard for me, but I don't have another option!
Will I ever get married? I hope so, but I don't know. Will I ever be a mom? I hope so, but again, I don't know. I know that I have to focus on Him. I know that I want to be so lost in God, that he will have to puruse God to find me, if God's plan for me is marriage. I know that I have to run after Him with everything that I am, and if, in doing so, I get the honor of being a wife and a mom, then so be it; but if not, then so be it. It is well with my soul. It is well. I will strive to be everything that He desires me to be.

Broken,

Andrea