Wow! It’s been almost
4 years since I have written last! A LOT
has happened in 4 years! Let me catch
you up…I met the most amazing man, and I married himJ With him, came two adorable girls. So, now I am a wife and a mom. I am still teaching in Dallas, but that is
slowly coming to a close as well.
God is good. ALL the time.
Before I got married, I had this fairy tale idea of what marriage was going to be. I knew it wasn’t going to be all rainbows and daisies, but I sure wasn’t prepared for the storms that would come. Nor was I prepared for the simple thing of compromise. You see, on my end, I was 36 years old when I got married. I lived on my own for 2 years. I had an education and a career. I took care of myself, made my own decisions, did what I wanted to do, went where I wanted to go, and spent money when I wanted to spend it. My husband, on the other hand, had 2 children, one of whom he had every other week for a full week. He made the decisions, he raised the children, made the rules for them, etc. When we got married, I moved into his house, their house. They had a way of doing things, that wasn’t always my way. That first year, wow! It was tough…it was rough.
God is good. ALL the time.
Before I got married, I had this fairy tale idea of what marriage was going to be. I knew it wasn’t going to be all rainbows and daisies, but I sure wasn’t prepared for the storms that would come. Nor was I prepared for the simple thing of compromise. You see, on my end, I was 36 years old when I got married. I lived on my own for 2 years. I had an education and a career. I took care of myself, made my own decisions, did what I wanted to do, went where I wanted to go, and spent money when I wanted to spend it. My husband, on the other hand, had 2 children, one of whom he had every other week for a full week. He made the decisions, he raised the children, made the rules for them, etc. When we got married, I moved into his house, their house. They had a way of doing things, that wasn’t always my way. That first year, wow! It was tough…it was rough.
We got to year 2 and
thought we had made it past the hard stuff but little did we know…year 2 was
crazy! We got full custody of his 7 (at the time) year old. Things dramatically changed for me. I was okay with the week on week off. I was mentally prepared for that. I still got him to myself every other
week. For that one week, I was his
everything. I got his undivided
attention. Then on Valentine’s Day
2016, life as I knew it came to a screeching halt. Now only was I know a full time mom…for this
time, I was the ONLY mom. Everything
changed. Date nights didn’t happen as
easy, time alone didn’t happen as often.
We were now consumed with this little girl who had everything that she
knew as familiar ripped out from underneath her. We were answering questions that we should
have never had to answer. We were
dealing with counselors, case workers, etc.
We were trying to navigate a scenario that we had been hoping we would
never have to navigate, for months. For
me personally, I was dealing with loss.
I was dealing with the loss of my husband being just mine for a
time. I was dealing with these emotions
of being a full time mom, raising a child that was not even biologically mine. Don’t get me wrong. I love her with every ounce of my being and
for everything that matters, SHE IS MINE.
But, she was 5 when we got married and she was now 7…she had 7 years of influence
from authority outside of me. It was tough.
Then to add a 10 year old who was now dealing with her sister ‘having
more than her,’ was a whole other issue!
This was year 2.
Then we come to year 3…we are currently in year 3 and it has already proved to be heartbreaking and satisfying all at the same time! We have finally formed ourselves into a blended family. Josh and I are learning to communicate about our parenting better and better every day. Hannah is much more adjusted and secure. She is only talking to a counselor when we feel she needs a ‘checkup.’ This year holds some roads that we are unsure of how we are going to navigate them, but we do know the One who does know. We have an almost teenager on our hands who believes that she is way smarter than us and knows way more than us, so pray for us! Trying to filter our way through that is pretty muddy but like the millions of parents who have gone before us, we will manage and we will persevere—only by the grace of God!
This year 3 has also already held great loss and great pain. On my 39th birthday, we discovered we were pregnant…something we have been waiting and praying for a year. And 3 weeks later, we miscarried. I believe that I have experienced a lot and been prepared for a lot, but this was something that I was never prepared for. Not even a little bit. The pain that came with this was heart wrenching. I didn’t know you could already love someone that you had never met so much. We made the ‘rookie’ mistake of telling the girls, they were so excited! We planned, we told some family, never once thinking we would lose. We knew this was God’s answer to our prayers, God’s miracle for us, and God’s prophecies fulfilled. And then…I don’t think I will ever forget that feeling…and then having to tell my husband---made me feel like a failure. He did his part, it was me. Something was wrong with me. I failed. The emotions that came along with this loss…the thoughts, the hurt, the pain. I was angry. I was angry at God for taking him, I was angry at God for all of it. I was angry at myself. Then, we had to tell the girls. Telling Hannah-someone who was so young and had already lost so much in her little life…she has stared loss in the face more times than most of us ever will…she has such a heart for people that her concern was that we were okay. I remember her just trying to do everything ‘right’ to make things easier for me, for her daddy. This baby had not been a reality in her little world for very long but she felt the loss.
These emotions are still so real. Jesus and I have had many conversations about this. I still have a lot of questions that I know I will not get answers to until I see Him face to face…and there is a lot that I don’t understand. We learned a lot about how we communicate with each other through this process and we learned a lot about grief. Life wasn’t fair. I felt like I had already grieved so much. I grieved about the time I ‘lost’ with my husband when we got Hannah full time. I grieved about the choices that others made that had in turn directly now effected the very life I knew. There is so much to this story that I am not sharing at this time, the time will come. I don’t know a lot. But what I do know is that God is good. ALL the time. I have felt loss, I have felt pain, I have felt hurt. BUT I have also felt joy. I have felt health. I have felt hope.
That’s where we are at now. We are hopeful. We know that the promises of God are true. We know that He does not lie. We know that He is faithful. We know that He is love. So, we cling to this verse in Habakkuk 2:2 (Amp)
Then we come to year 3…we are currently in year 3 and it has already proved to be heartbreaking and satisfying all at the same time! We have finally formed ourselves into a blended family. Josh and I are learning to communicate about our parenting better and better every day. Hannah is much more adjusted and secure. She is only talking to a counselor when we feel she needs a ‘checkup.’ This year holds some roads that we are unsure of how we are going to navigate them, but we do know the One who does know. We have an almost teenager on our hands who believes that she is way smarter than us and knows way more than us, so pray for us! Trying to filter our way through that is pretty muddy but like the millions of parents who have gone before us, we will manage and we will persevere—only by the grace of God!
This year 3 has also already held great loss and great pain. On my 39th birthday, we discovered we were pregnant…something we have been waiting and praying for a year. And 3 weeks later, we miscarried. I believe that I have experienced a lot and been prepared for a lot, but this was something that I was never prepared for. Not even a little bit. The pain that came with this was heart wrenching. I didn’t know you could already love someone that you had never met so much. We made the ‘rookie’ mistake of telling the girls, they were so excited! We planned, we told some family, never once thinking we would lose. We knew this was God’s answer to our prayers, God’s miracle for us, and God’s prophecies fulfilled. And then…I don’t think I will ever forget that feeling…and then having to tell my husband---made me feel like a failure. He did his part, it was me. Something was wrong with me. I failed. The emotions that came along with this loss…the thoughts, the hurt, the pain. I was angry. I was angry at God for taking him, I was angry at God for all of it. I was angry at myself. Then, we had to tell the girls. Telling Hannah-someone who was so young and had already lost so much in her little life…she has stared loss in the face more times than most of us ever will…she has such a heart for people that her concern was that we were okay. I remember her just trying to do everything ‘right’ to make things easier for me, for her daddy. This baby had not been a reality in her little world for very long but she felt the loss.
These emotions are still so real. Jesus and I have had many conversations about this. I still have a lot of questions that I know I will not get answers to until I see Him face to face…and there is a lot that I don’t understand. We learned a lot about how we communicate with each other through this process and we learned a lot about grief. Life wasn’t fair. I felt like I had already grieved so much. I grieved about the time I ‘lost’ with my husband when we got Hannah full time. I grieved about the choices that others made that had in turn directly now effected the very life I knew. There is so much to this story that I am not sharing at this time, the time will come. I don’t know a lot. But what I do know is that God is good. ALL the time. I have felt loss, I have felt pain, I have felt hurt. BUT I have also felt joy. I have felt health. I have felt hope.
That’s where we are at now. We are hopeful. We know that the promises of God are true. We know that He does not lie. We know that He is faithful. We know that He is love. So, we cling to this verse in Habakkuk 2:2 (Amp)
“For the vision is yet for the appointed [future] time
It hurries toward the goal [of fulfillment]; it will not fail.
Even though it delays, wait [patiently] for it,
Because it will certainly come; it will not delay."
Although we have experienced a lot of pain, we have also experienced a lot of joy. We have experienced alot of good. We have laughed until it hurt, we have loved and been loved until we felt like we would explode. We have fought and we have won. We are good. Our family is good. We will one day be a family of 5, but until that day, we will hold to the Father who has promised hope. He is good and He does good! God is good. ALL the time!
Dreaming His Dreams,
Drea
