Almost two weeks ago I wrote on my blog about how my heart had been broken into a million pieces...what I didn't know then was that there was still more pieces to be broken. Yesterday, my life was completely turned upside down. I won't go into a lot of detail because, let's face it, although this may be my online journal...it is just that, "online." Yesterday, at about 5:45pm, everything I thought I new about God was questioned, everything I believed in, everything I hoped for was shattered. For a split second, I felt hopelessness, anger, shock, disbelief, fear, rage, sadness, hurt, and so many other feelings that I don't have the words for. I don't know how people who do not have a relationship with the Lord survive. Yes, I still feel alot of those things, but the hopelessness--I KNOW that He is My hope. Without Him I would have no hope.
We were so sure of the outcome. We were so sure of what was going to happen, we knew what God had promised us. There were so many people praying, so many people believing for a miracle, believing and interceding. We were so sure...we were so sure...and then to be wrong, to not have prepared ourselves for the "what if's" because that would be doubting, not believing, not having faith in God. We prayed for God's will to be done, but we were so sure what His will was to be...
Now, as this day approaches, I am faced with the "where do I go from here?" Where do we as a family go from here? What do we do? How do we make it through every day? How do we make it through, and truly LIVE, not just go through the motions? How do I make it through? How do I truly LIVE and move forward with my life and not feel guilty?
My struggle right now is this...remember that I am only human....I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I have seen God move mountains for people, I have heard stories, and seen myself, miracles. I have had faith to believe for the impossible. But now-32 years later, when I needed Him to come through for me and my family...He failed me. Yet, I KNOW He didn't. I KNOW that He knew this was going to happen all along, so why didn't He prepare us? Why did He make all those promises to us and then not follow through? Why are these things happening? These are all questions that invade my mind at night when I should be sleeping...and then during the day, I just move through the motions...at times I even find the need to remind myself to breath.
I KNOW that God is faithful and I KNOW that He has never left me or forsaken me. I KNOW that He is in complete control and I KNOW that He knows what He is doing, but I struggle right now with trusting Him. I struggle with having the faith to believe. I struggle with hope...I'm just broken, so broken.
Completely Broken~
Andrea
Andrea you write beautifully. I know exactly that feeling, I have also felt it, a few times in my life, and yesterday, should I say just now, I to have had my life turned upside down. The reason is the same as yours, Questions, anger, bitterness, confusion, betrayal you name it I felt it. Then I find my "Scripture for the day: in my email in box": 2 Cor. 4:18 "For we do not stare at the things that are seen but the things that are not seen. For the things that are seen are for now, but the things that are not seen are everlasting" Only God knows the unseen. We only see this second, He sees forever. "What Satan meant for Evil, God means for Good." Remember the Angels, that you saw? There are more now. I have seen them in dreams, they will never let harm come. He is becoming stronger and more open to the Holy Spirit. I see rewards coming in your family, like you could never comprehend. God sees those thing we cannot comprehend right now, and He knows what is in our future. I hurt, you hurt, your family hurts. But the pain is only for a minute, the reward will last for ever. Praise HIS NAME< Uncle Chris
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