Almost half-way!!

It's almost July.  We are almost half way through 2012.  Where has the time gone?  I look over this past year and there are so many emotions, so many thoughts that flood my mind.  So many things haven't changed.  I still don't have a job, I still live with my sister...I get tired of writing all the "stills," but you know what HAS changed?  Me.  I have changed.  He has changed me.  He has changed my heart.  He has taught, and it times still teaching me, to trust Him with everything.  EVERYTHING.  I think so many times we as humans trust God with just a few things, it's like we think, "if I can prove to me that He can handle this, then I'll give Him something bigger."  HE IS GOD!  We trust Him like He is a man, yet we expect Him to come through like He is God.  A double standard?  We have to trust Him with everything, EVERYTHING.  This is hard for me, I don't trust man easily, it has been broken to many times, the wounds have been to deep...but HE IS GOD.  He has never wounded me, He has never broken my trust.  He has never forsaken me, or made a promise He couldn't keep.  He is teaching me to trust Him with everything...a lesson I shouldn't have to learn...yet, He is patient with me.  I have to trust Him with my family, Shawn, my future, my job, my life. 
He is teaching me to love Him, to truly love Him.  To love Him, no matter what.  He is teaching me to let Him be my first love, my everything.  If I truly fall love Him, then I can truly trust Him.  He is my passion.  He is my Rock.  When I don't understand anything else, I understand that everything I need is in Him.  There is no mountain to high, problem to big, struggle to hard, that I can't get through with Him by my side.  Friends, He has great plans for me.  You have all stood beside me and my family as we have walked through this past year.  Some of you have prayed for us, some of you only read this blog to be nosey, some of you have shared in our pain, in my pain.  You have laughed, cried, mourned, grieved, rejoiced, and supported me.  For that, I will forever be thankful.  My journey is not over.  If anything, it has just begun.  Great things are in store for me, and I am honored that you are choosing to walk through this life with me, whether you be family, a friend, or just someone who desires to know this Jesus that I talk about so often. 
Looking back through these blogs, I am reminded of how much God has already truly done.  What seemed like the darkest day my family has ever walked through, is turning out to be a great blessing---how can I say that?  Because I now have a brother who will enter into the gates of Heaven with me...He won't just "slide in" but He will recieve a crown of many jewels.  He has more freedom now than He ever had walking "free."  God has moved in amazing ways in His life and in turn is touching men of all races and ages with the freedom that Shawn now has.  What Satan has meant for evil, God will turn for good...Shawn is a living, breathing picture of this verse coming to life!
As for the rest of us?  We have all learned more about the justice system then any of us wanted to ever know.  I can tell you things, answer questions, that I would have never thought possible.  We have all walked through this journey together, we have learned things about us as a family, and about us as individuals.  We all dealt with this in our own ways, mine just happens to be through this blog.  We all have our own story to tell, and I believe that one day, we will all tell our version of this story.  I believe that through Shawn's choice and in return His consequence, we all have a story to tell.  We, as a Quinney family, are believing in miracles.  Not because we are unrealistic, but because we have a God who has promised BIG things, great things.  This journey is not over by any means, but we are alot farther along than I ever thought we would be.  I will forever be greatful to the Lord for just how much He has done and how far He has brought us.  It is only by Him and through Him that we are all still standing...and that is just it, we are all still STANDING! 
This year, I am dreaming His dreams for me, I am trusting Him with His plans for my life, every detail.  What a ride it has been!

Dreaming His dreams,

Andrea

Today...

So I found out today that my previous school loans have gone into default...which means that I can't get anymore financial aid until I make payments on those loans for 9 consistent months.  I'm frustrated.  I 'm frustrated at myself for letting this happen, and honestly, I'm frustrated at God for not coming through yet.  I'm so tired of hearing, "you'll get a job," "God knows what He is doing," etc.  I'm ready to just see it.  I'm ready for Him to prove it already.  I feel like I have been in this "season" for a really long time and I'm so ready for the sun to shine again!  I don't know what He's doing, or what I'm supposed to be learning.  I don't know why I even started school in the first place.  I am really enjoying it, but what's the point if I can't even finish?  Maybe in 9, 10 months, I won't even care to go back.  What's the point?  I'm so frustrated.  I want a car.  I want a job.  I want my own house.  I want money again.  I want friends.  I want my life back!  I'm harder on myself than anyone else is, and I feel like an idiot and a failure.  I feel like my life isn't getting any better.  Today, I feel useless.
That's today.  I know that tomorrow will be different.  I know that tomorrow will be hopeful and full of His promises to me, but today is not.  I know that He has never failed me.  I know that He has never turned His back on me, or not come through for me.  I know that He has a plan.  I just wish, more than anything, that He would clue me in!

That's all I have today.

Andrea