It's better to have never loved at all...

"It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all..."
I disagree with this statement, atleast right now, at this point in my life. Right now, I believe that it is better to have never loved all, the alternative hurts to much. My heart is broken, again, and maybe one can say I've done this to myself. Maybe one can say all the "shoulda, woulda, coulda's," but it is what it is and my heart hurts. I waited for so long to feel love. I waited for so long to find someone who would love me and make me feel like I was the most important person in the world. I waited for 3o years, and then to have to give it all up. How am I supposed to do this? I know all the cliche' sayings, "This too shall pass," "Time heals all wounds," "It'll get easier," "It'll be worth it," etc. Blah, blah, blah...It doesn't change the fact that it hurts, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't understand what I've done or even why. It doesn't change the fact that he has taken this as an attack against his person...it stings to think that he would even entertain the thought that I don't love him, or I don't love him enough. That I don't think he's good enough, or spiritual enough, or whatever. That he would take this as a personal failure.
This isn't about him at all...I wish I could help him to understand that this is about me. This is about me being obedient to the voice of God. He is taking me to a place where His face is what I must seek. I must be so lost in God, the he has to seek God to find me...How do I help him to understand? How do I make it hurt less. How do I show him, tell him, that I love him more than my English words could ever say? That if this was about my will, I would be with him right now and forever...I don't know that he isn't the one...I just know that he isn't the one right now.

To you:
I don't know if you will ever read this...I don't know if I will ever talk to you again...but I need you, I want you, to know that I love you with every breath that I take. I think of you in my every movement. I want for you, God's best. I want you to seek Him with everything that you are and believe Him for the absolute impossible. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you like this, but you must know that this isn't easy for me. I don't want to do it, but I know I have too. One day, I hope we can both believe that the ending will be better than the beginning.
There aren't the right words to tell you what is in my heart, so I will tell you that I will pray for you every day of my life...You have changed my life...tidbits

Broken once again,

Blue