I'm probably going to be writing in this alot. One day I am going to write a book, and I need to remember this page in my story, this chapter, actually this will probably be the whole story! Right now, I can't imagine being "on the other side" of this. I can't imagine these feelings, these emotions just being a distant memory. Right now they are all so fresh, so raw, so real. I'm angry. I'm completely angry. I'm angry at people, but ultimately it comes down to being angry at God. He's the one who couldv'e changed this, fixed it, returned a different outcome. He's the one who ultimatlely decided. Yes, He "left it in the hands of..." but ultimately, He decided this.
I'm finding it hard to breath. I'm finding it hard to move forward. I'm finding it hard to be happy. And this whole trust thing...just trusting that He knows what He's doing. Right now, that doesn't seem like a good idea. How can this be "better?" How can this be the best thing? I was perfectly okay with the first story's ending...It made for a good story, a great story. Why did we need to add more chapters? The story was just fine.
I'm finding it hard to process what the next few days, weeks, months, (years?) are going to look like. My mind can't imagine or even comprehend that, for me, for my family. I KNOW all the things I'm supposed to know. I KNOW that God is faithful, I KNOW that in the end it's going to be worth it all, I KNOW that He knows what He's doing, I KNOW that He sees the whole picture and we just see the here and now...blah blah blah...I KNOW all of these things...however, it's a whole lot easier to say, to believe, when it's for someone else...but when you are the one walking in the pitch black tunnel, without even a flashlight (because you hadn't even been prepared to be in the tunnel at all), all of the things you KNOW to be true have a hard time proving themselves.
So, here we continue to walk through this tunnel because we have no room to go anywhere or do anything else. We can't go backwards, we can only move forwards. I mean, we could just stop in sit right where we are at, but we want out of this...one thing I do know is that I want out of the present so bad that I HAVE to move forward...
This blog has been and will continue to be real, to be raw. IF you choose to read it, then you are choosing to walk with me as I struggle with anger, doubt, fear, disbelief, etc. You are choosing to read the words that I write through my tears, my pain, my heartache, and maybe hopefully one day, my joy. You are choosing to become a raw and real part of my world. You are choosing to watch me question everything I have ever believed in and hopefully find that my beliefs have been true. You are taking on the responsibility to not just read the words I write, or feel the emotions that I go through, but you are choosing to be a prayer partner, to seek the throne of God for me, for my family, when we can't do it ourselves. You are choosing, like Aaron and Hur, to hold up our hands (through prayer) when we can not hold them up anymore, when we feel weak and tired, when we feel like we are losing the battle. I need you to make sure that this is a responsibility that you are up for...because I promise you that it wont be easy, you will get frustrated, and maybe even angry yourself...hopefully, I can also promise you that the ending result to this story will in itself be a great reward for you:) So, if I don't say it again...I thank you for choosing to be a part of this journey...you may think it is a small part, but I promise you it is greater than you will ever know!
When I write that book, you'll get yours free:)
Broken
Andrea
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