Dear God

Dear God,

I'm angry at You. I've been angry for a while now, but I have just seemed to realize exactly how angry I am. I have many "reasons" for this anger. I'm angry that you didn't stop this. I'm angry that this is the path that you decided for us. I'm angry that you didn't ask me. I'm angry because you could have "fixed" this, you could have changed this. You, and You alone have the power to decide every moment of our lives, yes, we have free will, but this wasn't a "free will" decision. This wasn't a choice that we were given, this was You. You did this! Everyone says, "God's a big God. He can handle your anger. He can handle it." So, I sure hope they are right. I hope that you can handle this.
I'm angry because for 30 years you allowed boys/men to stay at arms length away from me, because you knew that I fall hard, that I don't always think before I act...whether it was a time issue or a placing issue, a mom's prayer, for whatever reason, you allowed it...and then you allowed this man to come into my life--I prayed, I felt like I sought your face, before I did anything, before I made any decision and I spent an entire year with this man, even though it was long distance, nonetheless...and then you took him from me. You asked me to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life...YOU asked me to let him go...and I did it...I did it...This man who knows everything about me, my past, my present, and the dreams of my future...and you who knew how hard it is for me to trust people, to open up to people...and I did it with this man, because I fell inlove with him...because I thought you said it was ok...and then you asked me to let him go....How dare you...
And then, when I had made peace with it, with You...you do this...you chose this...and then you just leave me in the dark and ask me to simply trust You. I'm so angry because you not only took him away, but you decided to take the other one away too (I know I'm being discreet, sorry), you took two of the most important people in my life and you don't seem to even care. If that was all there was, if that was it, then maybe this would be a little "easier." But, now I have no job, I have no source of income, I have a car that has to be paid, insurance that has to be paid, I now have to move out of the home I have built for myself, to I have no idea where...I have to pack up a house full of memories, all the good ones, yet a constant reminder of the present circumstances. The car I drive, the place I live, a tv show, a commercial, a song, a joke--everything is a constant reminder...
So, I'm angry and right now, I don't know how to get past it. I don't know how to move from this place. I don't know if I hear your voice at all...everything I thought I had heard apparently was wrong, so now I wonder...I can't see past this moment. I can't see the bigger picture. I know that You say you know the end from the beginning, I know that you say that Your Ways are higher than ours, I know that you say that I am going to come out of this stronger than I went in, and that souls are going to be saved, etc. Right now, I just don't know if it is truly going to be worth it. I'm just so hurt, so broken, so confused. I try not to worry, but I don't have a job, so it's hard to stay busy and "keep my mind off things." I'm angry, God, because right now, to me, You are a liar. You told me, us, all these things that were supposed to happen, that WERE going to happen, and they didn't , you lied. I know that you don't lie but in my human, finite mind...you didn't follow through with what you promised, so therefore you lied...and I'm angry, just angry.
I'm biting my nails again...I had just stopped doing that...I did everything you asked...and still...

Your Angry yet broken child,

Andrea