waiting...

Today, I keep waiting to wake up...surely this all can't be real. It can't be my life...it can't be what I'm really going through? What my family is really facing? Surely this has to be a joke, a sick joke. And then I pinch myself and realize this is REALLY happening. This is my life.
Monday I have a job interview...any other time I would've been so excited, but now, now I find myself wondering how I can move forward. Move at all. There is so much that needs to be done, and the finanaces just aren't feasible, there isn't enough time in the day...and if I get this job? How do I move, EVERYTHING, and where do I move it...I won't have a paycheck for a while, I'll have to live at my sister's out of a suitcase for who knows how long? How can I do everything that needs to be done, and move forward without feeling guilty for just living? How do I be happy for myself? How do I one day get married? How do I do these things without him there? I can't fathom the thought. I don't want that to be the case. So, I live for today...moment by moment. Praying for a miracle, yet unable to really hold out any hope for one at all because frankly, my heart just can't take it. I have lived my whole life as a fantasizer, loving the "happily ever afters," and now the reality is more real than it has ever been...this time the "happily ever after" doesn't seem like it's coming any time soon...
I need God, this God that loves me, this God who knows the ending from the beginning, every detail, every movement, everything...I need Him to come through, BIG and soon!
I'm still angry, I'm still confused, I'm still hurt...I think I will be for a while, but I am working through them...slowly but surely. It still isn't easy and I still hate it, but it is what it is and it is my life...

Broken.

Andrea