I declare!

Today is the last day of 2012.  Wow!  This year has been full of so much...heartbreak, pain, frustration, tears, confusion, doubt, love, joy, happiness, hope, God...This year I have learned so much, about myself, about God, about my future, about love--what is truly is and is not...2012 is not at all what I expected it to be, but it was everything that it needed to be.  Now, 2013 is going to be amazing!  It is going to be full of God's favor in my life.  This year He will provide for me a car, a job, a home of my own, new friendships, and maybe even a new love.  This year will see the miraculous, orchestrated only by God, supernatural release of my brother from prison.  This year will see many dreams ans hopes come into fruition.  This year will see a supernatural provision for my entire family, my sister, brother, parents, and myself.  I declare that the year 2013 will be a year of salvation for my lost family members and a new level for those who know Him already.  This year will see the release of books, starting of businesses.  This year we will see the glory of God in our lives and in our church like never before.  This year will be a year of blessing and favor.  This year, the year of "rebellion and satan" (what the number 13 represents), we will see the complete opposite of that---a year of complete and total humility and submission to the Lord Jesus Christ and a year full of His power, His grace, His mercy, His faithfulness, His love, His provision, His Spirit, His peace, and so much more!  This year, I will experience Him in a new way, on a new level.  This year, He will activate the "above and beyond" in my life, while I learn to "Just Breathe" and trust Him. 
This year is going to be amazing!!!  Are you ready?!?!?!?

Ugh! yet, not really:)

Sometimes I hate that I remember dates so well...Don't get me wrong, I love that I remember birthdays and anniversaries for the ones that I hold close...what I hate is that I remember birthdays for the ones who broke my heart, the ones who I no longer a part of my life...I hate that they are still a memory...I have a quote on this blog that says, "the beautiful thing about memories is that they are yours, whether they are good, bad, or indifferent...they belong to you.  And no matter where life takes you, your memories tie you to where you've been."  I just want to forget...I don't want to remember birthdays...maybe with time I will forget, or I will just remember the good memories and not the bad ones, the painful ones.  Just maybe...
On another note, it's almost 2013!  Do you know what happens in 2013?  My brother comes home!!!  YAY!  I am so excited, I just can't contain it!  This will be the last Christmas, the last New Year that we will have to spend without him...I can't wait to see what God has in store...I can't wait to see how He will move in my life, in the life of my family:)  I can't wait to write it all down and then read it later!  How exciting will it be to read it all, to share all that God has done?  I'm so ready to start writing some good stuff, to start writing about all the "Above and Beyond" stuff that God will be doing in 2013!!!

Remember...

I sit here watching the news, and reading all my facebook friends post, about the shootings of 20 innocent kindergarten children, and 7 adults--by a 24 year old man.  All these posts talk about the evil in this world, about the sadness and heartbreak that they feel for the parents and families of these innocent people...yes, I do feel heartbreak...I am not a parent, but the thought that this could have been any one of my nieces, or my mom who is a teacher, saddens me, the reality of this world.  However, for me, the tears that I cried were in part for the soul of the one who pulled the trigger over and over again.  He was a human being also.  He was a sick man, yes, but he was still a human being.  The Savior of this world, the One who died for me, the One who has given me so much joy and freedom, spared my from so much pain and suffering, is also the One who died for this man.  Jesus loved him just as much as He loves me.  He died for Him just as much as He died for me.  I am sure that His heart was grieved today also, but not only for the children, for the innocent, but for the one who did this.
This is how I know that God has changed me...that He has changed my heart.  I am angry, but not at the man who did this, rather the one who so deceptively controlled this man's thoughts, actions.  Yes, this man made a choice...a really bad choice, but God still loves him.  I can't help but wonder if he ever heard the name of Jesus.  I can't help but wonder if anyone ever reached out to him.  A teacher? friend? neighbor? co-worker? classmate? mailman?  pastor?  Did anyone ever pray for him, really pray for him?  If so, did they pursue him?  Did they fight for him?  Did they constantly love him and get in his business, make him talk?  I wonder.
Our struggle is not against flesh and blood...So, as you process the events of today, I challenge you to remember who the enemy is...to remember that we have been called to be the salt of the earth, the light in a darkened world...Greater is He who is in us!  I challenge you to speak life into all those around you...you may never know how dark their world is, you may never know how powerful your love, friendship, encouraging word, or prayer is to that person.  I challenge you to listen closely to the voice of God, the Holy Spirit as He leads you to the hurting and dying people of this world.  I challenge you to remember that for God so loved the WORLD...we must love like Christ loves, we must embrace as Christ embraces, and we must forgive as Christ forgives..."Father forgive them, for they know not what they do"...sound familiar?

Dreaming with Him,

Andrea

New Beginnings!

I've been thinking alot about this year...the year 2012...about the things I had hoped for, the dreams I had...etc.  As I look back, as we are about to close out 2012, I remember so many things.  I remember what my life looked like this time last year.  I was emotionally connected to someone that I loved with my entire being-who was becoming connected with someone else while I wasn't looking.  I was sad, I was depressed, I was confused about my purpose in life, what I wanted, etc.  Honestly, I was living a life of disobedience.  Satan is sly like that...he gets in and then before you realize it, you are in deep.  I was lonely and I wasn't seeking God like I should have been...when that happens it's a setup waiting to happen.  I gave him a foothold...by the time I realized what had happened, what I had done...it was too late.  I was already so in love that I figured I could "him.  I could make him want the same things I wanted, love God the way I thought he needed to, be who I knew he could be...THEN I went to this thing called "THE RAMP" and my life was forever changed.  I can't explain what happened, and I can't believe that it hasn't even been a year yet.  God drastically changed me.  He gave me hope, joy, delivered me from the fear of man.  He showed me that He has a destiny for my life and asked me to dream His dreams for me.  I came back a different Andrea.  Completely different.
Throughout this year I lost love, I felt pain.  I know what it feels like to be betrayed, to be cheated on, to find out that everything you believed to be true was a lie.  I know what it's like to grieve the death of dreams, love, life as I knew it.  I know what it's like to have everything stripped away from you and to be left with nothing, or at least what feels like nothing.  I know what it's like to sacrifice.  You see, God has always chased me, pursued me.  He has always been trying to get my attention, to take me to a greater level with Him.  No matter what I wanted, what my flesh wanted, my spirit, my soul, ALWAYS wanted Him more than anything else.  My flesh wasn't strong enough to give everything up on my own, so my prayer was for His help...and although I would have saved myself alot of pain and heartache if I would have done it myself, He helped me.  Even though I let Satan deceive me, to distract me from God's dreams for me, God was still pursuing me.  He was still chasing me.  He is still chasing me, still pursuing me.  This year of 2012---as I mentioned in an earlier blog--I learned that He is enough.  God is enough for me.  I have learned about the kind of love I deserve, the kind of love I desire.  I don't want to be pursued by a love that is selfish, that turns to another when it gets to be too much work.  I have learned what is and is not okay.  I have learned that God loves me so much that He has created a man out there for me that is praying for me.  As I pursue the Lord, and as he pursues the Lord, God will lead us to pursue each other. 
So, although 2012 was a year that I was asked to sacrifice much, to walk away from much, I am thankful for the lessons learned.  And I am more thankful that soon I can put 2012 behind me and look towards 2013! 2013 will be a year of new beginnings! A year that puts my "above and beyond' into action!  So, keep your eyes on this blog, I will write about my new beginnings, the new things that God is going to be doing in my life, in the life of my family.  2013 will see my brother being released from prison, it will see my new job, new car, and who knows, possibly even a husband:)!  You never know...

Still dreaming His dreams,

Andrea

ENOUGH

I sit here today looking back over this past year, and yes, I know that we still have 4 weeks left in this year, and God can do alot in 4 weeks...but as I look back over this year, I think I can wrap it all up in just one word if I had to.  I would say this year has been ENOUGH.  Maybe not in the way that you think...not in the "I've had enough", or "enough already" way, although both of those apply, but in the "He is ENOUGH" way.  That's what He has taught me, that's what I have learned this year.  My God is ENOUGH for me.  He is more than ENOUGH for me.  I don't need anything, because I have Him.  I don't need a car, a job, a place of my own.  I don't need love from a man.  I just need Him.  He is more than enough for me.  If He never blesses me with another thing, if He never fulfills all the promises that He has given me, He is already more than ENOUGH.  He's more than ENOUGH!  He's been bigger than any dream, and desire that I have ever had.  He's been bigger than any hurt, or heartbreak that I have suffered.  He's been more than ENOUGH for me. 
This may seem like a simple thing for some of you, good.  I'm glad that you have always known that He's more than ENOUGH for you.  I'm glad that you have always let Him be ENOUGH for you.  It hasn't always been so easy for me.  There have been times, many times, where I didn't let Him be ENOUGH for me.  I wanted more than I was willing to let Him give to me.  He let me have those things, He didn't stop me.  But I ended up still being unfulfilled, still needing something more.  I was trying to fit a man, possessions, etc, into the places of my heart that only God could fit.  I was trying to let the things of this world be ENOUGH for me---it didn't work.  I remember once during my prayer time telling God that I didn't want anything to distract me from Him.  I wanted Him to be ENOUGH for me.  I wanted Him to be all that I ever needed...from that day on, slowly, He began to remove everything in my life that I was putting before Him, everything that I was trying to make ENOUGH for me.  Until one day, I stood with nothing.  There was absolutely nothing left but Him.  This year, I have had nothing but Him.  He has been my everything.  He has been ENOUGH.  He has been more than ENOUGH for me. 
You know what's really exciting about this---is that because I know that He is ENOUGH for me, because I really know that I don't need or even want anything but Him--His blessings for me will be more than I have ever dreamed.  He will still fulfill His promises over my life.  He will still give me the very desires of me heart:)  He will still fulfill every dream.  He is more than ENOUGH for me!  What a lesson to learn!  I wouldn't trade this year for anything, I wouldn't trade this "lesson learned" for anything!  Because He is ENOUGH for me, because I truly know that He is ENOUGH, I won't expect someone else to fill places in my heart that are reserved for Him.  I won't expect someone else to be my Savior, my Provider, my Cover, my Lover, my Peace.  He is all those things and more to me!  He is ENOUGH!:) 
A long time ago I made a distinct choice for Him.  I chose Him over everything and everyone.  I chose to follow Him and His voice over the voices of others, over the voice of my own wants and desires.  I wanted Him more than I wanted anything/anyone else.  I knew then that making this choice would be hard, that I would lose things that I had invested in, things that I loved more than I ever thought possible, but I knew that I had to do it.  I had to choose Him.  This year has proven to be just that---hard, full of hard choices---but so worth it!  Seeing how my choice has directed my life, and seeing how, another who made a different choice, has directed his life--I can honestly say God has been more than ENOUGH for me. 
I thank Him everyday for His grace and His mercy.  I thank Him for the pastor who spent months/years teaching me how to hear the voice of God, and then how to obey His voice.  I thank Him for the people that He has placed in my life for guidance, counsel, wisdom, love, and prayer support.  I thank Him for the person that I am today.  No, I am not by any means perfect, but I have come so far.  I'm excited about the future!  I am excited to know that He is more than ENOUGH for me:)!

Dreaming His Dreams,

Simply Drea

All the Glory!

Satan knows our weaknesses, so that's where he fights us the most.  For me, my weakness lies in my thoughts.  He fights me hard here---sometimes to the point of torment.  Maybe that's why I get headaches sometimes.  I don't know why it's my thoughts, it always has been, for as long as I can remember.  Believe me, I have come a long way.  I have the tools to know how to fight back.  I know what my "triggers" are.  I know that if I have too much "empty" time on my hands, my thoughts get a way with me.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I KNOW that God's plans for me are bigger than the ones I have for myself and I KNOW that His timing is perfect.  I KNOW these things, but sometimes I still feel defeated.  I was sad.  Sad that I still don't have a job, I'm car less, I'm living with my sister (not that I am not completely appreciative of this fact), that I am 33 and not at all where I wanted to be in my life at this time.  If you would have asked me a couple of years ago, I believed that "things were looking up."  I had a job, a car, was living on my own, and I had a boyfriend that I just knew I was going to marry.  Things were awesome!  And then everything changed...EVERYTHING changed.  God completely stripped me of everything---it didn't happen all at once, but it sure did feel like it!
Yesterday was a day that I kept allowing Satan to get in my head...I started to believe all of his lies...BUT today is a new day!  Today, as I was praying and reading my blogs, my journal, letters, etc, God reminded me that HE is still in charge!  I don't understand any of it, and some of it I brought on myself---just not being obedient immediately (which is disobedience).  I held on to somethings alot longer than I should have.  I am so thankful for His never ending love grace.  I began to allow Satan to use the very things that I have been forgiven of, and the very things that God has promised to do for me, to try and bring me down.  I had taken my eyes off of God and placed them on my circumstances.  I KNOW better than this-yet I did it anyways. 

In my prayer time today, I laid down on my bedroom floor and repented for not obeying God soon enough, for not letting go soon enough, for not "marrying Him" as completely as I should have this year, for not trusting Him enough.  I got up with the peace that passes all understanding.  I have, once again, been forgiven and have been extended His grace and His mercy.  His promises are Yes and Amen.  The things He has promised me, are still mine!  I am learning everyday more and more about who He is, who He is to me.  I am learning to lean on Him completely and live a life that is all His.  Knowing that He is ENOUGH!  He is enough for me.  I don't need a job, a car, a husband, etc.  All I need is Him.  Everything else is just a blessing from Him because He loves me.  

How many people truly learn this lesson?  How many people take for granted these "simple things?"  I'm not saying that when God does give me all those things (and He will as He has promised) that I will every moment of every day remember how blessed I am and not take one thing for granted, but I will try my very hardest to know how blessed I am.  I have promised to give Him all the glory when He fulfills every promise!  For my perfect (Kindergarten) teaching job, He will receive all glory.  For my car (my orange 2013 JEEP wrangler unlimited sahara edition-all decked out), He will receive the glory!  For the place I will call my own (home), He will receive the glory!  For my husband (perfect for me, amazingly handsome, romantic, sarcastically funny, on fire for God husband), He will receive the glory!  For the release (early 2013) of my brother, He will receive the glory!  For the salvation of my WHOLE family, He will receive the glory!  For the blessings that I don't deserve yet He gives me because He loves me, He will receive the glory! 
So, no matter what Satan tries to do, no matter how hard he fights me, HE WILL NOT WIN!  My God will receive ALL the glory!:)

To Him Be ALL Glory,

Drea

Grace

It's been a few weeks since I have posted anything...I don't know why, I don't have a job, but I have been busy...I'm volunteering my time at my church until I get my promised job;)  God has been doing amazing things in my life, I wish I could really just sit down and tell you everything that He's done, has been doing, etc.  But, since I can't and you probably don't have the time to just sit and read this blog for hours on end, I will share what I can! 
First, I just recently read a book that forever changed my life!  It's called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge.  It's a book about how God created woman, and how we, as woman, should view ourselves.  My whole life I have dreamt BIG dreams, "impossible, unrealistic" dreams...mostly about my future husband and how 'perfect' he would be, how 'perfect' our lives would be together...throughout my life and certain circumstances, I gave up on those dreams, realized that maybe they really were unrealisitic in such a realistic world---even as a Christian.  This book changed all that for me!  This book helped me discover that all those dreams, were God given dreams to me.  The way I desire to be romanced, pursued, wooed.  The way I love and am loved, everything.  This is how God created me, as a woman, beautiful in HIS IMAGE.  I am created in His image.  Why wouldn't the God who created me, the One who knows me better than I know myself, know exactly how to win my heart?  When God created man, it still wasn't complete.  He created woman, and that was His final piece.  I was His final piece.  So much I learned through this book...it has forever changed my life.  I highly reccomend it--for every woman, to understand the very depths of your desires were truly given by God, and for men, to understand why woman are the way we are...and what we need from you. 
Second, He is enough.  God is enough for me.  I am 33 years old and single.  I have been single most of my life.  I have loved and I have been broken.  Yet, I have learned (still learning) that He is enough.  I am complete in Him.  He is the Lover of my Soul, the Romancer of my Heart.  When He chooses to bring a husband to me, that man will only compliment me, not complete me.  He will write my love story, because I have given Him the pen!  Everything that I need, every desire that I have is truly fulfilled by the Creater of my being.  I will live this time of my life, this time of "singleness" completely and soley for Him.  I will live my singleness with purpose, completely sold out to Him and His calling on my life!
Third, His grace is all suffiecient!  I am so thankful for it.  I would not be where I am without it!  I am seeing that as I look back on my life, just how important of a role His grace (and His mercy) has played in my life.  Because of His grace, I am single.  I know that may sound weird to some, but to me it makes perfect sense.  What 'could have been' would have been detrimental to the calling and anointing He has on my life. 
Fourth, I choose Him!  I chose Him:)  I chose Him.  That's a huge feat in my book!  I made the choice to follow Him with everything that I was, everything that I am.  Even in my brokenness, in my pain, I still chose Him.  I would like to say that it was an "easy" choice, but that would be a lie.  Choosing to give up love, a life of happiness and fulfiullment with a man who I loved, and loved me, not knowing if I would ever get this chance again...wasn't an easy choice, BUT I did it, or rather, in the beginning someone else made this choice for me, but ultimately I chose because in my heart, in my soul, I KNEW there was something more...I knew that He had a plan for me that was greater than the one I was living. 
Looking back, I can be confident in my choice.  I can be confident that the choice that I made to follow after Him, to STAY exactly where He told me to, when noone else understood, I chose.  I know now, that His promises for my 'happily ever after,' my 'dreams come true,' and 'beyond my wildest imagination,' are right around the corner...yes, obedience sometimes requires sacrifice, but it is so worth it!  I am not the same!  I am higher than I have ever been, happier and more content that I could have dreamed.  My only cry is for the soul of one who didn't make the same choice...he chose to follow after what he could see, what he could touch, what made sense, and now, his soul is lost and he doesn't even realize just how far...
Thank you God!  For you love, your passion, your desire for me:)

Dreaming His Dreams,

Andrea

Closure

CLOSURE: an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality.

Closure. What is it with our innate need for closure? For finality? For answers to questions that we may never get? I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I do have the need for closure, and I hate it. I hate having questions that I may never get answers to. I hate wondering if certain things that were said, were really truths or if they were all just lies. I hate it. However, as much as I want closure-answers to these questions and many more…I have come to the realization that I may never get it…from him, anyways. So, this blog—this is where I will finally get MY closure.


I could write on here all the “wrongs” that I feel he did to me. I could air all his dirty laundry, and make him out to be this horrible person…I could. BUT, I won’t. I choose to remember him the way he was when he was with me. I choose to remember the man I dreamt with, laughed with, and shared secrets with, the man I loved with every ounce of my being. I choose to remember this man. I CHOOSE. The closure I thought I needed was to know why, to get the truth to the questions I have. However, I have learned that the only closure I need, is the kind that God is giving me. The past is the past, I can’t go back, I can’t change it. I can learn from it and move forward. I choose to live with no regrets. Whatever happened between us is just that, between us. I know my truths. I know how much I loved him, I know how much he meant to me. No matter what should (or shouldn’t) have happened, could have happened, did happen…I KNOW that I loved him like I have loved no other. I CHOOSE to remember this.

I know that no matter what happened between him and I, I know that maybe the only thing I did do right was be exactly where God wanted me. I refused to give in to the temptations of my wants and my desires, what the world says I should do, and ONLY so exactly what God wanted me to. My desire for HIM was always so much stronger than my desire for anyone or anything else…and that may be something no one else will ever understand. He may never understand that.

I am moving on, I have moved on. To the dreams, the fairy tale that God is writing for me. I know that they are so much more amazing than even I can conceive. On my own, I cannot dream up His plans for my life, the things He is going to do in, through, and for me. How exciting is my future?! I think for the first time in a long time I am really excited about the possibilities of my life! I am not too old, I am not to “messed up,” or crazy! I am exactly where God wants me, striving to be everything that He needs and desires for me to be; living His life for me. From the beginning of time, He had a destiny for my life, and it is up to me to allow Him to fulfill that destiny in me! How many people can really say that they are living out His ultimate destiny for their life? How many people can honestly say that they are truly living to the absolute fullest, His destiny for their life? Well, I can, or at least I can say that I am trying! How fun and exciting!

Thank you for walking this journey with me. Thank you for believing in me enough to follow along in my struggles and my triumphs. Thank you for your prayers, your tears, your support, your love, your comments, and your love. They mean more than you know!

Dreaming His Dreams with Him,

Andrea

I KNOW:)

I love the Lord.  If anything, I hope that the past two years worth of blogs, my love for the Lord has been more evident than anything else.  I want nothing more than I want HIM.  I want NOTHING MORE.  My desire for Him, my desire to do His will, to be obedient to Him, to live out His dreams for my life, is stronger and beats harder than my desire for anything or anyone else. 
I am learning that I am worth it.  I am worth waiting for.  I am worth His best for me.  I deserve His best...not for any other reason than He wants to give His best to me.  He loves me.  How dare I keep Him from providing that blessing, that honor from me.  To the world, my life doesn't look blessed...it doesn't look worth much, but oh how I am.  No, I don't have a job or a car right now, and I live with my sister and four nieces...BUT the opportunities that this has provided for me has been more than I could ever have dreamed...the things that He is allowing me to do are humbling, and with a job I NEVER would be able to do these things.  So, I know that although I don't understand it, I KNOW that I am exactly where God wants me, doing EXACTLY what He wants me to be doing for such a time as this.  I have not gone hungry, I am not homeless, I am blessed.  I know that He has and will continue to provide for my every need when I need them.  I KNOW that He still has the perfect job for me in His perfect timing.  Obedience to Him is so rewarding! 
I have also learned that my past relationship, whatever it meant, has taught me what I want, what I deserve.  I am a princess of the King.  I am an heiress to the throne of the King of Kings and because of that, I deserve to be treated as just that.  I deserve the man that He has for me, one who will love me with His love, one that will pursue me like He pursues me.  A man who covers me, prays for me, supports me, and gets me.  Not a man who uses my blessings as excuses to be less than He has called him to be.  A man who is completley confident in His identity in Christ and I don't fill the hole, but rather fit into the puzzle of his life:)
He promised me that I would get to watch my fairytale unfold before my very eyes...so I will seek Him and do just that:)

Dreaming His Dreams,

Andrea

My Future

To My Future Husband,


I prayed for you today. I prayed that you would be surrounded by a group of men that would not only be great friends, but they would be a support for you like the disciples were for Jesus. I prayed that they would hold you accountable, that you would not only be poured into by them, but that you would pour into them. I prayed that your anointing and your calling would be guarded. I prayed that you would be a man of strength, a man of integrity, a man of honor. I prayed that the Word would become real to you, that it would be LIFE. I prayed that the words you speak would bring life to those around you, that people would be drawn to you because of the power the Lord bestows on you. I prayed that a supernatural peace would wrap around you, that you would know there is nothing that is too big for God. I prayed that you would be a man who knows God’s voice more clearly than you know your own; that you would obey that voice with a swiftness and a severity that is uncommon. I prayed that even now you would be praying for me, that God would be teaching you how to cover me. I prayed that He would be preparing you to be the man, the husband, and the father that He is requiring you to be. I prayed that He would place money into your hands, that He would give you wisdom in your finances, and that He would bless everything that you touch. I prayed that you would want for nothing, that as quickly as He places money into your hands, you just as quickly give it back to Him. I prayed that He would give you handfuls on purpose. I prayed that He would give you favor in your career, your ministry, your finances, your family, and your life as you walk throughout each day. I prayed that you would have a massive faith to believe for the impossible things. I prayed that He would be the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing on your mind before you sleep. I prayed that He would give you dreams and visions about your future, about me, about the life He is calling you, us, to live. I prayed that He would place healing in you hands, that your voice would bring restoration to the broken, freedom to the bound, hope to the hopeless, and salvation to the lost. I prayed that every generational curse, every past failure, every past hurt, would be broken and that you would walk forward with a knowledge of who you are in Him. I prayed that you would be a man after the very heart of God. I prayed that when the day comes for us to finally meet, that we would both be so lost in Him that He has to point us towards each other. I prayed that we would be more consumed with pursuing Him instead of chasing each other. I prayed that your heart and your passion for worship would be greater than anything that I have ever dreamed. I prayed that you would walk in all the gifts of God, that spiritually, our DNA would be the same. I prayed that you would not only be aware of the prophetic, but that you would walk boldly in it. I prayed that your heart would beat in rhythm with His heart, that your lungs would breathe His breath, and that you would bleed His blood. I prayed that you would be so lost in Him that His identity is the only one you know. I prayed that you would be so consumed by the Lord that you would seek Him on how to pursue me, how to romance me, how to woo me. I prayed that I would become the woman that you need me to be. I prayed that I would be the wife that you have prayed for, that I would meet your every desire, every dream. I prayed that you would be so in tune with the voice of God, that I would have no problem trusting you, following your every move, submitting to your authority, because I KNOW that you are hearing from the Lord. This is what I prayed for you today. This is what I will pray for you every day.

Love,

Andrea

Sometimes

Sometimes life catches you by surprise.  Sometimes you think you are doing really well, you have moved on the best way you can, you've been obedient, tried to do everything you can to just be ok, better than ok, learn and just move forward.  And then before you know it, the one thing you've moved on from, the one thing that has been a constant reminder of who you were, what you had, what could have been, or shouldn't have been shows up on your doorstep.  It's crazy, how in one instant, one look, everything comes flooding back...the love, the hurt, the pain, the laughter, the memories, the tears, everything, overtakes your mind and brings you right back into the moment as if it was all happening at the same time right then and there...that's what happened to me.  Crazy.  It's funny though, although I wasn't prepared, and although it brought up so many things, I'm ok.  I'm better than ok.  I am a survivor, and in that moment, in those brief moments I realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and the choices that I have made are the exact choices that God wanted me to make.  I am so thankful that a long time ago my pastor spent a year teaching me how to hear the voice of God, and then another year on how to obey that same voice.  I don't always obey it, but I always hear it...I am so thankful.  It's hard for me to understand people that don't hear His voice.  He wants so bad to talk to you, He wants so much for you to listen to Him.  He's always talking, but we aren't always listening.  He has a plan for our lives, but just as much as he has a plan, the enemy has just as big of plan for us.  As much as God wants us to succeed, Satan wants us to fail.  He wants us to make one bad choice that leads to another bad choice, that leads to another bad choice, etc.  However, my God is so good, that no choice is to great for His grace, for His mercy.  He is waiting for us to come back to Him, tell Him that we screwed up bad and then let Him bandage our wounds, pick us up, dust us off, and puts us on the right path again.  Yes, there are consequences to our actions, but never is it to late...We have to seek Him, get in His Word, spend time with Him until His voice once again becomes louder than our own voice, or the voice of the enemy.  HE IS STILL FAITHFUL!  This may all sound random, but it's what was on my heart today:)  I am thanful for His grace, for how far I have come, for His promises that He is still waiting to fulfill for me, and the dreams that He is still dreaming for me:)  THANK YOU GOD!

Dreaming with Him,

Andrea

Forgiveness

It's been a few weeks since I've written a blog, so I thought it was time:) I've been learning a lot about God, a lot about myself these past couple of months. I'm learning that forgiveness, true forgiveness, is a choice. A choice I have to choose to make everyday. It isn't forgetting what happened, or validating or justifying the other person, it's choosing to move forward, it's choosing to say, 'you know what? Yes, what you did was wrong, it hurt, but I forgive you. I let go. I choose to let go of the emotions that are attached.' I choose to only remember the good times. It isn't easy, in my flesh I want him to hurt like I hurt, I want him to feel what I feel. However, as a Christian, I will extend to him the same forgiveness that Christ has extended to me. I didn't deserve it, yet He still gave it. But like I said, it's a choice that I choose to make everyday.
I am also learning to trust like I haven't before. To trust that He knows best, that He has a plan, and as long as I am obedient, He will follow through with His promises. I am learning that trust is truly all that I need. He is my everything and in His time, all things will work for His good.
I am seeking Him with all that I am. I am going after Him, truly becoming a lover of His presence. I am discovering my purpose. My purpose, outside of Shawn, my parents, my sister, my nieces, and even Tracy. I am discovering what His purpose or My life is and it is a fun process!:).
Thank you all for walking through this journey with me, for your prayers, your thoughts, your support. I hope that this blog, my journey, has and will
continue to help you in whatever way God sees fit. Whether it's to show you that you are not alone, or to make you grateful for the life you have been given, to encourage, strengthen, and bless you...or to just make you feel something. Thank you for walking with me! My journey is not over by any means, and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world!

Dreaming with Him,

Andrea

Walking in faith...

Today I had an interview at what seemed to be a really good school.  I was excited about it, I thought it would be a really good ministry opportunity for me.  I thought for sure that this was THE DOOR that God was opening just for me.  I was ready:)  When I got there, something was "off."  Now, if you are reading this and you are not a Spirt-filled Christian, you may not understand, even if you are, you may not understand.  However, there was something in that building that did not sit well with me...before I went to this school, I did some research.  I discovered that 16% of their teachers are in the US on work visas from Turkey.  I learned that over 50% of the teachers/administration are Muslim.  Although the school is a charter school and they have to follow the state laws, they don't teach religion at all.  Their goal is to be so influential in the lives of these children that they convert them to the Muslim religion if they are not already practicing.  I was excited.  This was my chance to be influential, because I know the King of Kings!  This was the mindset I had going in...but then...as I was talking to the admin, they just seemed unorganized.  They are a brand new school-just opened-and I believe they should have maybe waited one more year.  They didn't have anything to offer--in the beginning, they have the bare essentials, desks and books, with promises of more.  The previous teacher had only been there 8 days and had already resigned...I don't know the story behind that, but I know that the one he gave me wasn't the whole truth.  They were desperate.
I know that the Muslim people need Jesus.  I understand that.  Had God told me this was the one for me, I would have jumped at the chance to befriend these people and share the love of Jesus through my life, my actions.  I would have LOVED to.  But, when I left that building, i started feeling nauseous and had a huge headache...I knew something wasn't right.  I struggled with the "worldly thoughts" and "heavenly thoughts"--meaning the practical thoughts that said, "you really need a job"  "who cares how far it is?"  "who cares if it isn't the perfect one?" and then the ones that said "God is your provider"  "He will open the perfect door"  "just keep holding on."  One eye was seeing the logical parts and one was seeing the faith parts.
After talking to some people, a few who actually drove there with me, and one whom I consider to be a "mentor" in my life...I really felt like this wasn't it.  This wasn't the job for me.  Once I has decided, they called me for a second interview...I know that if I would have gone, they would have offered me the job.  I know it.  But, I already knew that this wasn't the job for me...forget about all the logistics like not having a car, one that I would need to be very safe, driving an hour to and from school everyday, etc...I knew that this was not it for me.  I could go into more detail on why, but there isn't any need. 
So, although you may not understand my choice, or even agree with it, I KNOW this wasn't for me.  I know what it looks like---I know that I haven't had a job in over a year, and I know that I am living with my sister who could really use the income that I would provide, blah, blah, blah.  I know all of those things...HOWEVER, I know when God speaks to me.  I know His voice.  I have CHOSEN to walk by faith.  I have chosen to follow his lead.  I am grateful for the people He has placed in my life who will tell me the truth, those that I can ask for wisdom, for advice.  I am thankful for those who trust me, trust that I hear his voice for myself.  After all, this is MY life.  I am the only one who gets to live it.  I am the only one who gets to make the decisions and live with my choices.  Me, just me.  Tonight I will sleep well knowing that the Lord has directed my path.  I am excited for the things that are to come.  I know that His perfect job for me will come at the right time and He will provide every detail.  I have peace, and that is all that matters:) 

Dreaming His Dreams,

Drea

Simpy His Best

I write. I don’t write for any one else but me. Some people are shocked when they find out I have an online journal; that I would want the whole world to read my deepest thoughts, my struggles, etc. A journal is supposed to be personal, it’s supposed to be private, between God and me. You know what? It is. Every time I write a blog, I am not thinking about the people that may be reading this, I’m not thinking about the repercussions that may come with revealing my deepest thoughts and my inner most feelings…All I am thinking about in that moment, is where I am. Period. I am a thinker and I think fast…sometimes my hands don’t write as fast as I am thinking and I don’t get everything out when I write on paper, in a journal. I type fast…and I feel like this way I get everything out faster and I have a better chance of remembering where I want to go with it;) This journal is a forever reminder to me and to those who read it, of how faithful God is. It is a reminder that even in the midst of pain and sorrow, confusion, anger, and doubt, He is still faithful! It is a reminder that in the midst of joy, laughter, really good days, that He is the One from whom all blessings flow! I’m a writer. God has gifted me with this and I am really learning to enjoy it.


Now moving on…just a little something I have been thinking about recently. Second Best. Why do we say that? Why do we feel that? Second Best. Those words can make someone feel like they are not good enough. They can make someone feel like they just fell short of the best. For example, the Olympics…a silver medal in my mind is WAY impressive! However, to the winner of the silver medal, although it is a great achievement, it stands as a constant reminder that they were second best, that there is someone else who was better then them. I can imagine, that although they are thrilled with their silver medal, they work a lot harder the next four years, because they want the gold one!

I HATE the words, “second best.” I am learning that, for me, second best, is not ok. Those aren’t the write words. It simply means that I wasn’t God’s perfect plan for you, and you weren’t God’s perfect plan for me; whether that be a relationship, a job, or whatever. It simply means that God has a bigger and better plan for both of us.

So, I am not second best, rather I am holding out for HIS BEST for me. I have drawn a line in the sand and said I will not settle. I will not settle for less than HIS best FOR ME. That doesn’t mean that I am not good enough for you, or vice versa, it simply means that there is someone else, something else, that perfectly fits into the puzzle that He has designed for both of our lives. I will no longer be okay with just a silver medal; I will get the Gold ONE;)

Simply designed for HIS BEST,

Drea

One Year Ago Today...

A year ago today the Quinney family's lives changed forever.  Taking myself back to exactly a year ago, I had to remind myself to breath every breath.  I was so low in the valley that even seeing the mountain was impossible.  It was so dark, so deep, so desperate.  I was angry at God for the outcome.  I was so angry!  I didn't see a way out, I didn't have any hope in this God that I lived my entire life believing in.  It had already been such a hard year for me personally, I didn't think I could take any more.  I remember crying myself to sleep for months.  I remember the pain that I felt, the blow to the stomach that hit me every single day for weeks.  I remember wondering how I was going to make it through every day, much less the weeks, the months that were to come.  I remember wondering how we were going to make it through birthdays, holidays, without him.  I remember wondering how I would ever be able to carry on with my life, knowing that he wasn't going to be around.
Yet, here I am...one year later.  We made it through the holidays, the birthdays.  We survived.  I have carried on with my life, although it hasn't been easy, I have done it.  I never thought I would be able to look back at this past year and be thankful for anything---but, I am SO THANKFUL that I have a God who is faithful.  He has always come through for me.  He has never left me, never forsaken me.  There are things that this Quinney family has faced, that many of you may never know about or understand, but I can tell you that because of HIM, we have come through!!  No, this journey is not over, but I can look forward with my head held high, with peace knowing that the best is yet to come!  I KNOW that my brother will be free.  I KNOW that he will share holidays and birthdays with us again, and soon.  I know that he will be there when I get married.  I am so thankful that I have a God who cares more about us than we care about each other.  I am thankful that I have a Father who really does know best.  I am thankful that He sees the whole puzzle when I only see the piece in my hand.  I am just so thankful!
We are a blessed family, we are a greatful family, we are a changed family!

Blessed to breath again,

Andrea

Done!

I am done with school!  Although I was scared out of my mind at the beginning of this journey, I really enjoyed myself, and I learned alot!  I finished this semester with straight A's...not bad for someone who had no idea what she was doing when she started!  I will not be going back to school until next summer, or the Fall of '13 due to my financial aid issues.  I am not really worried about it because God has everything under control, and I am not in a real big hurry to finish this degree.  I want to take my time, do well, and enjoy it.  And HOPEFULLY I will have a job soon and school would have just been one more thing added to my plate.  I have learned that God knows what He is doing, and I just have to trust Him. 
It's funny, I guess not really funny, but seeing my life come together...by that I mean, seeing God use me, work through me, in ways I never dreamed.  I'm on youth staff at my church now and I can only describe it as "God-ordained."  I didn't want to do it, in fact I fought it for months...however, I knew that this is what I was supposed to do, so I just jumped in, I did it...and the rewards have already been amazing.  Friendships are blossoming with the youth staff, and relationships are connecting with the youth.  I have so many things to offer, so many things to share, so many nuggets of wisdom.  More than anything, I want these kids, these girls, to be where I am at in my relationship with God now, in my 30's, while they are teenagers.  Imagine!  If they can be where I am at with God now, how incredible will it be by the time they are in their 30's???  Wow! 
God has given me a voice and so many amazing things to say, and He is opening the doors, and setting the platform for those things.  Dreaming with Him, dreaming His dreams for my life have been amazing!  There are still so many things that I am waiting for, a job, a car, etc...BUT I know by that trusting Him and dreaming with Him, He will blow my mind!  I'm ready!  So ready!:)

Almost half-way!!

It's almost July.  We are almost half way through 2012.  Where has the time gone?  I look over this past year and there are so many emotions, so many thoughts that flood my mind.  So many things haven't changed.  I still don't have a job, I still live with my sister...I get tired of writing all the "stills," but you know what HAS changed?  Me.  I have changed.  He has changed me.  He has changed my heart.  He has taught, and it times still teaching me, to trust Him with everything.  EVERYTHING.  I think so many times we as humans trust God with just a few things, it's like we think, "if I can prove to me that He can handle this, then I'll give Him something bigger."  HE IS GOD!  We trust Him like He is a man, yet we expect Him to come through like He is God.  A double standard?  We have to trust Him with everything, EVERYTHING.  This is hard for me, I don't trust man easily, it has been broken to many times, the wounds have been to deep...but HE IS GOD.  He has never wounded me, He has never broken my trust.  He has never forsaken me, or made a promise He couldn't keep.  He is teaching me to trust Him with everything...a lesson I shouldn't have to learn...yet, He is patient with me.  I have to trust Him with my family, Shawn, my future, my job, my life. 
He is teaching me to love Him, to truly love Him.  To love Him, no matter what.  He is teaching me to let Him be my first love, my everything.  If I truly fall love Him, then I can truly trust Him.  He is my passion.  He is my Rock.  When I don't understand anything else, I understand that everything I need is in Him.  There is no mountain to high, problem to big, struggle to hard, that I can't get through with Him by my side.  Friends, He has great plans for me.  You have all stood beside me and my family as we have walked through this past year.  Some of you have prayed for us, some of you only read this blog to be nosey, some of you have shared in our pain, in my pain.  You have laughed, cried, mourned, grieved, rejoiced, and supported me.  For that, I will forever be thankful.  My journey is not over.  If anything, it has just begun.  Great things are in store for me, and I am honored that you are choosing to walk through this life with me, whether you be family, a friend, or just someone who desires to know this Jesus that I talk about so often. 
Looking back through these blogs, I am reminded of how much God has already truly done.  What seemed like the darkest day my family has ever walked through, is turning out to be a great blessing---how can I say that?  Because I now have a brother who will enter into the gates of Heaven with me...He won't just "slide in" but He will recieve a crown of many jewels.  He has more freedom now than He ever had walking "free."  God has moved in amazing ways in His life and in turn is touching men of all races and ages with the freedom that Shawn now has.  What Satan has meant for evil, God will turn for good...Shawn is a living, breathing picture of this verse coming to life!
As for the rest of us?  We have all learned more about the justice system then any of us wanted to ever know.  I can tell you things, answer questions, that I would have never thought possible.  We have all walked through this journey together, we have learned things about us as a family, and about us as individuals.  We all dealt with this in our own ways, mine just happens to be through this blog.  We all have our own story to tell, and I believe that one day, we will all tell our version of this story.  I believe that through Shawn's choice and in return His consequence, we all have a story to tell.  We, as a Quinney family, are believing in miracles.  Not because we are unrealistic, but because we have a God who has promised BIG things, great things.  This journey is not over by any means, but we are alot farther along than I ever thought we would be.  I will forever be greatful to the Lord for just how much He has done and how far He has brought us.  It is only by Him and through Him that we are all still standing...and that is just it, we are all still STANDING! 
This year, I am dreaming His dreams for me, I am trusting Him with His plans for my life, every detail.  What a ride it has been!

Dreaming His dreams,

Andrea

Today...

So I found out today that my previous school loans have gone into default...which means that I can't get anymore financial aid until I make payments on those loans for 9 consistent months.  I'm frustrated.  I 'm frustrated at myself for letting this happen, and honestly, I'm frustrated at God for not coming through yet.  I'm so tired of hearing, "you'll get a job," "God knows what He is doing," etc.  I'm ready to just see it.  I'm ready for Him to prove it already.  I feel like I have been in this "season" for a really long time and I'm so ready for the sun to shine again!  I don't know what He's doing, or what I'm supposed to be learning.  I don't know why I even started school in the first place.  I am really enjoying it, but what's the point if I can't even finish?  Maybe in 9, 10 months, I won't even care to go back.  What's the point?  I'm so frustrated.  I want a car.  I want a job.  I want my own house.  I want money again.  I want friends.  I want my life back!  I'm harder on myself than anyone else is, and I feel like an idiot and a failure.  I feel like my life isn't getting any better.  Today, I feel useless.
That's today.  I know that tomorrow will be different.  I know that tomorrow will be hopeful and full of His promises to me, but today is not.  I know that He has never failed me.  I know that He has never turned His back on me, or not come through for me.  I know that He has a plan.  I just wish, more than anything, that He would clue me in!

That's all I have today.

Andrea

Center of His Will

I’m in this place today, this place of retrospect, this place of looking over my life and seeing what I’ve learned, what I would change, mistakes I’ve made. So many things I would change, yet I wouldn’t change anything. Everything that I have been through, those things you may know about and the things that few know, they have made me who I am today. I look back and wonder how things would be different. I wonder I made different choices, if I’d be in a different place, a better place in my life than I am…I don’t know. I’ll never know. What I do know is that everything I’ve been through, every choice I have made, whether it be a good one or not, has led me to this place. On the “outside” it may look as if this place isn’t so good. I still don’t have a job, I don’t have a car, or a place to call my own, or a relationship. BUT, what I do have is peace. Peace knowing that I am in the very center of His will for my life. I am exactly where He wants me, and even though it’s really hard to understand, and getting to this “place” has caused a great deal of pain and heartache, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It has been hard, I’m not going to lie, very hard. I have lost much, I have given up much, I have sacrificed much, and at times I get so angry because I don’t see that the price has been worth it. All I have to hold on to are these promises that He’s given me. To me, that’s a lot. His promises for me are huge! He has a lot to come through with.


I wonder sometimes if I missed Him, if I’ve taken a wrong step, or a wrong turn. I wonder if I wasn’t listening close enough, or at all. Because surely His plan for me couldn’t include all this pain, all these tears?! But then He reminds me that He has always been right beside me, those times I wasn’t listening, He walked beside me, those times I took a wrong turn, He was there, those times when I screamed, I cried, I yelled, He was there. Those times when I curled up on my bed and just wept, He was right there. He has always been there. No matter where I was, what I was feeling, what mistake I made, He was always there, comforting me, cheering me on, picking me up, holding me, some times carrying me. Why? To get me here, to this place that I am right now. This is where He has wanted me. He is writing in me a story that is undeniably from Him. He is writing the story of Andrea Leigh Quinney; One of hope, strength, perseverance, and power. He is growing in me a character that is beyond myself. He is teaching me a faith and a trust in Him that is above anything this world could ever know. He is proving to me what true love really is. He is allowing me this time with Him that I will never take for granted, to love Him and Him alone. To have Him be the King of my love story, while He leads the way for my Prince to come is amazing.

So, while the world may say that I am not successful, that I am not doing what I need to do, I’m not persistent enough, or whatever. My God says that I am in the center of His will. I am doing exactly what He wants. It isn’t easy and at times I doubt everything, BUT He reminds me that He is leading me. It’s that Easy! I am so grateful for Him, so thankful for His grace and His mercy that is so evident in my life. Someday the details of this grace, this mercy, His Sovereignty will be recorded in my book, but until then you’ll just have to take my word for it;)



Dreaming His Dreams,

Andrea

What have I done?...

I'm sitting here in the library staring at this computer screen, thinking, "What in the world am I doing?  What have I done?"  I am supposed to be writing a paper, which was due yesterday.  I have been sick, and haven't felt like doing anything, especially writing a paper on psychology.  Today, my plan was to knock this paper out...boy, did I have myself fooled.  I have no idea what I am doing, and throughout the day, all the insecurities of my former self came back...what if I can't do this?  I have always been horrible at writing papers, at least I think so.  Yes, I can write, I am a writer, when I can write what I want, but you give me a topic, that I know absolutely nothing about and I get stuck.  What if I have gotten completely in over my head and I can't swim?!  What if I sink before I ever really get started?! I know that I can do this.  Shoot, I have already done it once before---and i succeeded!  I won't be able to do this on my own, but thankfully, I am not doing this on my own.  He is with me.  He will help me make it through this, just like everything else.  He will help me to think clearly, to be productive.  He will keep me calm in moments of panic.  I know that He is with me.  I will take this one day at a time, one assignment at a time, one page at a time, and I will succeed.  Part of this is probably because I feel like I have been hit my a bus, and then it backed up over me and hit me again!  So, I have communicated with the professor and hopefully I will get this paper done by tomorrow, just in time to start the next one:)! Sorry this is so short, but I have a paper to write!:)  Will update again soon, when I have more things to talk about, this schooling seems to be my life write now:)

Dreaming with Him,

Andrea

Happy Mother's Day

So I have begun a new journey.  This last week, I began the steps to get a Masters in Clinical Counseling/Psychology.  Yes, I already have a Masters in Elementary Education, so why another one?  Good question.  Until last week I wasn't quite sure either.  However, throughout the the orientation/registration process, as I was sitting through session after session, listening to professors, staff, faculty, etc. God really started talking to me.  It felt right, I began dreaming for what my future holds, and what doors this degree will open for me.  So, why not?  Now is the time.  I have no husband, no children, and right now no job, so I have more time now than I will in the future.  Now is the perfect time. 
God told me a long time ago that I was going to write books on marriage, do marriage seminars, etc.  I put these dreams on a shelf for a "later date" because I wasn't married, or anywhere close to it at the time.  But now, now I'm going back to school to fulfill God's plan for my life.  With this degree, I will have the educational experience to back up my books:)  I will have more credibility with my audience, my readers.  I know this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now, no matter how crazy I might feel at times, or how scary this step is for me, or how many "nightmares" I may have about failing, or taking on too much, or being unsuccessful, I know that I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to right now. 

On another note:  with tomorrow being Mother's Day, I want to take time in this blog to honor my mom.

What can I say about my mom? There aren’t enough, or even the right words that could express how much my mom means to me. I could tell you all kinds of stories about how she kissed a boo-boo, read to me, sang to me, prayed for me. I could tell you about how she, at times, embarrassed me, etc. I could tell you about the many times I got mad at her, or her at me. I could reflect on the last 32 years and tell you all sorts of things. Instead, I will tell you about the lady I now call my friend. I will tell you about how, over the last two years, I have seen a strength in her that I didn’t know she had. I have seen her depend on God in ways that she never has before. I will tell you about how she is my biggest fan, my greatest supporter. I will tell you about the times that she just listened to me cry, listened to me beat myself up over choices or decisions that I made, and not once telling me, “I told you so.” I will tell you about the many times that she has prayed with me, cried with me, laughed with me, felt pain with me, hurt with me. This is my mom. I am not a mom yet, but I pray that when that day comes I can become at least half of the mom that she has been to me. No, she isn’t perfect, she has never claimed to be, but she is the perfect mom for me. I am blessed. I am blessed that I have had a living example of the Proverbs 31 woman. I am blessed to not only be able to call her mom, but to call her friend. So, thank you mom. Thank you for the times when you just listened when I know you were dying to say something. Thank you for the times you just prayed for me and let me cry. Thank you for your support. Thank you for believing in me and my dreams…no matter how big or “outlandish” they may seem. Thank you for choosing to be my mom first and then my friend. I am sorry for the many times that I have taken you for granted, for not showing you or even telling you how much I love you. Thank you for every meal you cooked, for every hurt you kissed away, for every blanket you tucked in, for every tooth you “paid for,” for every prayer you prayed, for every tear you cried on my behalf. Thank you for showing me firsthand how to walk closely with the Lord; for showing me how to have a personal relationship with Him. Thank you for being my mom and now I am honored to call you my friend. I love you mom!! Happy Mother’s Day!!


Blessed,

Andrea

Pursuit

Pursue: to follow in order to overtake, to capture.


I have never really been pursued. I have never been “fought for.” The one relationship I have had, he didn’t really have to pursue me, and I was ready and waiting. He never had to fight for me, at times I feel like he didn’t fight when he should have, at times I feel like the sacrifice, the cost, that God was asking of him was too great, including me, the sacrifice he would have to make to be with me was too great. So, he didn’t fight…although I am sure that he would see things differently.

However, I know what pursuing something is like. I know what I want it to be like. I know that I want my future husband to pursue me with everything he is. I want him to fight for me, to want me to be a part of his life that nothing is too great; nothing is to hard; no cost is too high. Just like I want this from him, God wants, He desires this from me. So, I take that back…I have never been pursued by one of this world, fought for by one from this earth; however, I have been pursued by THE ONE who created this world, who created me. He has pursued me with every fiber of His being. When I walk away from him, when I reject him, He continues to pursue me because He loves me, because He wants me to be a part of his life so much that nothing is too great, nothing is too hard, no price is too high. In fact, He desires to pursue me so much that He gave up the life of His only Son. He fought for me. He pursued me. This feeling, knowing that someone loved me this much, that He has and will stop at nothing for me, overtakes me.

I want to pursue God, just as He pursues me. I want to overtake Him, to capture Him. To be so radically in love with Him, with His presence, that I cannot go one moment in my day without Him. I will pursue Him at any cost. His presence is everything to me. I want to set my heart on this one thing: that I can’t live without His presence. I want Him to be my passion. A passion with no compromise, that my heart will be set on one thing, and one thing alone. A pursuit of complete abandonment for Him, a passion for His presence. I can’t live without His presence, without His touch.

How is your pursuit of Him? Is there a cost, a price that is too high for you? He is pursuing you; will You allow Him to overtake You, to capture You? Are you willing to pursue Him in return? It’s a pursuit that I promise, you will never regret! There is nothing like it, nothing like Him.

Thankful for Revelations

So this morning, as I was having my prayer time, I had a revelation. I have been writing on this blog for a while now, I have shared my ups and downs, discouragements and disappointments, etc. Most recently, I have been sharing my emotions as I walk through the healing of a love lost.


You see, this love was my first love. I was almost 31 when we started talking, when we started dating. I had waited 30 years to find someone. So, when he came into my life, I just “knew” it was God. We fell in love quickly and I was smitten. He was everything I could have ever imagined. I look back now, and I realize that I was settling for a lot of things, because I loved him. Let me set one thing straight. He was a good man. He loved God, he loved me the best that he knew how. He was broken, he had a lot of things from his past that he never allowed God to heal, out of fear, ignorance, etc. Looking back, I see a lot of things that I didn’t see at the time. Okay, back to my point. We loved each other. This was a long distance relationship, so there were many surprise visits, many late night phone calls, texts, etc. I remember everything so vividly. All the plans, the dreams, the secrets we shared. I remember how he made me feel, how he loved me. This year of love was amazing. No, it wasn’t perfect, but I was in love. I didn’t care about anyone or anything else. He made me happy. Now remember, this is all through my eyes, as I recall. These are my truths. He has his own story, his own version of the truth, but this is my blog and it’s my story.

And then everything changed…

We started fighting all the time---distance was very hard. We fought about anything and everything. All of a sudden there wasn’t anything I could do to make him happy. He wanted me to move, he had these ideas, these things we had never talked about (or we just miscommunicated about) that he wanted to happen, and would get angry when they didn’t, or when I wouldn’t oblige. I still loved him, and I knew that love, that relationships were hard (through my observations), and I was determined to make it through this. We would get through this.

Honestly, when we met, my relationship with the Lord wasn’t what it should have been. I hadn't lost my salvation or anything like that, but I wasn’t seeking His face like I should have been. So, the person that he fell in love with wasn’t the person he was looking at in the end. I started seeking God more than ever before. I longed for Him and Him alone, and through this, I started changing. I started listening like never before. I knew that God wanted me exactly where I was, no matter what. He didn’t understand that, he didn’t like it. He wanted me to be right where he was. I knew that he was supposed to be where I was. We couldn’t, or we wouldn’t compromise. When I refused, he got angry.

Before I knew it, he had turned to another. He found someone who was willing to do what he asked, go where he wanted, etc. My heart was crushed. I mean, literally, it was broken into a million pieces. If you go back and read some of my blogs, you will see. I didn’t understand how someone who claimed to love me so much could just turn to another so quickly, as if what we had, who we were, didn’t even matter. I felt rejected, I felt like a fool. I felt like our entire relationship was a waste. I felt used. I never want to feel that way again.

I said all of this to say this: As I was praying today, I had a revelation. How many times do we make God feel this way? How many times do we turn our attention to another because He isn’t giving us what we want, what we asked for? When He doesn’t fit into the ideas that we had for our lives, when He breaks the promises that we made for Him? When our dreams, and our plans don’t happen, we get angry at him and we reject Him. How many times have we made Him feel rejected? How many times have we hurt Him? Yet, He has never rejected me. He has never hurt me. He has never turned His attention to someone else. He has never left me. Never Once!

I don't EVER want to make God feel what I have felt through the loss of this relationship.  At times, my heart is so broken that I can't breath.  At times, I don't know how I can even make it through the moment, much less the day.  I am immobilized at times.  My heart grieves for what I lost, what I could have had.  My heart grieves at the loss of dreams, of plans.  I don't ever want Him to feel rejected by me, used, torn, worthless.  I don't ever want to "cheat on" Him.  EVER! Today, I realized that if for nothing else, the loss of this relationship, has made me realize a little bit of what we do to Jesus.  It has made me realize that I never want to make God feel like this again.  I never want to be responsible for causing Him pain and hurt of this magnitude, or at all for that matter.  I never want to make His heart break, or tears fall, or pain.  EVER!  Even in my healing, I never want to forget what this moment, what this time, feels like, because I always want to never want to be the cause of making God feel like this.  He loves me, He gave His life for me, and for that I will spend every day of my life making sure that He is my sole purpose, my first love, my everything.  He will receive all of my attention! 

I am SO THANKFUL that He is God! I am so thankful that His love for me is unconditional. That no matter how many times I reject Him, I hurt Him, He still loves me. I am so thankful that He will never reject me. When I don’t always do what He wants, or go where He wants, He doesn’t leave me, He doesn’t turn to another. I am so thankful that He is showing me, is teaching me about real love, Godly love.

So, through this pain of an earthly relationship, I am discovering the joys of the Heavenly relationship I have with my Father. He is teaching me to talk to Him like I would talk to my ex, to dream with Him the way I dreamed with my ex, to share secrets, to trust Him. He will never reject me, He will never fall in love with another, He is mine and I am His.

I am hopeful for the future. I am hopeful that I will find an earthly love again one day, and I know that this time, it will be based on a heavenly love. I am not the same. He must seek My Father in order to find me. The End!

Never To Old...

The thing about this blog is that it is real, it is raw.  I don't hide anything, I try to keep my emotions, my journey with my readers, as real as I possibly can.  I do this because I believe that one day, all of this, this journey of my life, will be a part of my story, a part of my book.  So, I try to write everything exactly the way I see it, the way I feel it, the way I remember it.  It is my truth as I know it.  I try to show that every day is different, and just because you are a Christian, just because you know the Lord and you have a true and real relationship with Him, doesn't mean that every day will be full of daisies and rainbows.  You will have bad days, you will have days where you feel like you can barely breath.  You will have days where you feel like you can't even get out of bed, much less anything else.  BUT I hope to also show you that it is because of my relationship with Jesus that I do get out of bed, I do breath, I do hope, I do move forward, I do have hope that tomorrow will be easier than today. 
Today, I feel broken.  Today I feel like he broke me, he broke me.  The definition of broken is: violently separated into parts, shattered; damaged or altered.  This is how I feel.  I feel like I was violently (very good word) separated into parts.  I feel like my heart, my world, was shattered.  I feel damaged.  I feel like I placed my hope, my trust, my promise in someone and he destroyed me, or at least he tried.  Someday I hope to be able to tell you the details of this relationship--in fact someday I know that I will-but for now, it is too raw.  There are things that I don't understand, there are truths that I don't know.  Mistakes were made on both our ends, and choices were made.  I have learned to put my trust in God and God alone.  I have learned to only dream with Him.  I have learned, if I didn't know it before, I have learned that one choice can change everything!  One choice.  I don't hate him, although at times it is really hard, but I don't.  I can't.  I have chosen to forgive him, and this is a choice that I must make everyday.  Trust me, some days it is really hard.  But my forgiveness isn't for him, it's for me.
My flesh feels broken.  My flesh, my heart, feels shattered, damaged, but my soul, my spirit, he could never touch my spirit--which I think is one thing that bothered him more than anything else.  My spirit soars.  My soul roars with strength, with hope.  Yes, I still have hard days, but I make it through them.  I would like to say today, that I wish him well, I wish him all the love and happiness in the world.  This is what I would like to say, but today, I can't, in my flesh, honestly say that.  Today, my flesh wants him to hurt like I hurt, I want him to feel a little bit of what I feel.  I want him to be alone, I want him to feel sorrow, grief, all these emotions.  BUT more than anything else, my spirit, my soul, wants him to know truth.  I want him to have such an encounter with the Lord God Almighty that everything that can will be shaken.  I want him to know this love like he has never known before.
So, in my brokenness today I will rejoice that my God is Sovereign.  I will be thankful that His answers to my prayers are more perfect than the answers I thought I wanted.  I will be hopeful for the future that He has for me.  I will be thankful, and hopeful, that my future husband will be everything (and more) that I need and want him to be.  I will be thankful that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  The choice I choose to make is to focus my eyes, not on my circumstances, not on what is or is not happening around me, but rather on the One who is walking beside me!  I will fall in love with Jesus all over again.  I will talk to him like I talked to my ex.  I will dream with him, I will share with him, I will love him.  And when I am ready, He will being my "forever" to me and we will have an amazing story to share together. 
Back in 2008 a friend of mine said that God wanted me to write my love story, to write how I wanted it to happen, what I wanted him to be like, etc.  (I plan to include this story in my book.)  At the time I thought it was crazy...I completely forgot about it until last week, when I found it.  I realized, that even then God knew exactly where I would be, what I would be going through, and I what I needed to be reminded of.  He shared with me in this moment that He is never to far away.  He knows my every need, my every desire, my every dream.  He has promised me great things, He has promised me a "fairy tale," one that I have always dreamt about, one that included my Prince Charming and my "happily ever after."  So, I will cling to these promises...because one can never become too old to believe. 

Rain

Rain. I love the rain. I love storms. I love everything about them. I sleep better when it’s raining. Even the smell of rain is amazing!


Today, while it is storming outside, God is reminding me of why He brings the rain. He brings it to clean away the old, to bring something new. To bring a fresh start, to water that which has become stagnant, stopped growing. Rain brings vibrancy. It brings a freshness that we can’t get without it. Rain sweeps away all the dirt, the grime from the ground and prepares the soil for seeds to be planted. After the rain, the sun comes out. Flowers bloom, grass grows, birds chirp, children laugh, and rainbows appear.

This goes for spiritual rain also. I love it when God brings the rain. In my life, it seems like all it has done for the last few years is rain. It seems that there is this never-ending storm that follows me wherever I go. But today, God showed me that this “never-ending” storm is coming to a close. The spiritual rain that has happened/is happening in my life has been for Him to clean away the old, make room for the new things. He is bringing a fresh start. He is preparing my soil for new seeds. He is watering that which has been stagnant. He is changing me. I can see it. I can feel it. He is preparing me for something that is beyond anything I could ever dream. My desire, my sole desire, is for Him to bring all the rain He needs to, to get me exactly where He wants me. He has promised that after the rain, the sun will come out and all things will be made NEW!

So, instead of dreading the storm, wondering when it is going to end, or even being afraid of it, I will CHOOSE to go out and dance in the rain! Will you join me?

CHOOSING!

I wish that I could share with you the excitement that I feel in the air! I wish that you could feel what I feel. I am so excited about the plans that God has for me, and I am so grateful that His plans are so much greater than mine! I am so thankful that even though I don't understand all the pain, all the heartache (which alot has been caused by my own choices), I KNOW that His grace and His mercy is real and so overwhelming! I know that He has so much in store for me, for my family, and if I took the time to tell you everything that I believe, I feel, you wouldn't even believe me! His plans are GREAT!

I am doing well. It is a process, a moment by moment, breath by breath process. Every morning I must CHOOSE to forgive, CHOOSE to move forward, CHOOSE to believe that I am in the cradle of His arms, and CHOOSE to obey His every word. The man I loved is dead, the man he is now is lost. So, I'm grieving. Through this grief, I am CHOOSING to see that He is good. I am CHOOSING to focus my vision on Him and His promises for me. He has promised me good things, great things. He has promised a man who will love me like no other. If anything, I am grateful for what I had, because it will make me so thankful for what I get. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I see His favor, His grace, His mercy on my life. I'm seeing how much He truly loves me. So, in the words of my amazing brother, "Goodbye PooPoohead ____! Hello, Amazing Future!":)

I have been reminded once again, that every choice, EVERY CHOICE that a person makes affects more than just themselves. No matter whether the choice be good or bad, it affects everyone around you. In my case, this persons choice has effected me to the core of my being. The very foundation on which I stood was shaken, but you know what? I'm still standing! I will never give anyone enough power in my life to destroy me...no one will destroy me, because I am a daughter of the KING! If I can share anything that I have learned, I will share this: MY GOD IS GOOD! One day I will write a book, and in this book, I will share the truth as I know it, the truth as I have lived it. I will share my mistakes, my failures, my successes, and my strength! Through this blog you, my readers, have been given snippets of my life over the past few years, but through my book, you will see how every blog, every strand has come together to create a beautifully woven quilt of God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love over my life. Clothed in Him I am dreaming His dreams for my life...HIS DREAMS! Because of the sacrifice, the obedience that He has required and asked of me, my rewards will be bountiful:)! How exciting-this new journey that I am on...to watch as my fairytale, my true romance, unfold throughout my life. I have proven that I will not settle for anything, ANYTHING less than His perfect best for me!:) He is my Kinsmen Redeemer:) Love to all:)!

Thank you!!

I don't know how many people really read this, I know that there are alot of people that read this, through facebook, etc...that never comment.  I believe that this blog reaches more people than I think.  I have recently learned that all one has to do is search my name and this link comes up.  Crazy!  One thing that I have always done through this blog is be as real as I possibly could.  I have shared every emotion as I have experienced them.  I have laughed and I have cried while writing many of these blogs, and you my friends, have shared in this with me.  You have been given permission to enter the very depths of my soul through these words.  You have prayed with me, for me, you have grieved with me, rejoiced with me, hoped with me, dreamed with me, and so much more.  So many things have happened over the past couple of years...alot of hurt, alot of pain, some joy, some laughter.  You guys have walked with me as I have struggled with anger, bitterness, and pain over my brother's circumstance.  You have all walked with me through love lost.  You have shared in my journey as I have questioned God, doubted Him, been angry with Him, felt rejected by Him, and so many more emotions.  But, you have also walked with me as I have learned to depend on Him like never before, as I have learned to dream His dreams for my life, as I have learned that He is a HUGE God, big enough to handle my anger, my bitterness, my pain, my rejection, my hurt.  

I sit here today, and as I read through my writings over the last two years, I am amazed at how far I've come.  I can still remember where I was as I was writing every single word on every single page.  I can still feel every emotion, every tear.  I can still remember exactly what I was thinking with every blog. God is amazing and I am so thankful that He has given me the gift of writing, that He has allowed me the ability to keep this journal of my life, so one day I can put all of this in my book. 
On another note, today, I am thankful that He is Sovereign.  I am thankful that He doesn't always answer prayers the way I want Him to.  I am thankful that a year ago, or even 6 months ago, I was praying that He would restore my relationship, the one I lost, but today-knowing what I know now, what I have learned over the past 4 days, I am so thankful that He didn't answer my prayer the way I wanted.  The man I once loved, is dead.  The man he is now, I don't know.  He is a living example of how Satan can deceive, and distorts the truth to the point where you really believe it, how he gets into your mind and twists your perceptions.   I loved this man with everything that I was, everything...but he lied, he was angry, he was hurt, and he never quite let God heal him...the cost was too high, the sacrifice to great, so he made choices, that have forever changed the course of both of our lives.  My heart is grieved, not so much for the love that was lost, the friendship that was lost, but more for the soul that is lost.  I can't pray for him, I have to cut all ties with him so that I can go on, it's too hard for me--so I ask you, my reader, to pray for him when you read this, as you think about him.  If you know his name, then call it out before the Lord God Almighty, if you don't, God knows his name.  I won't tell you what or even how to pray, let the Lord lead you, as He knows exactly what he needs.  Thank you.

This past week, since Easter Sunday, has been really hard for me---cutting all ties with him---but God knows exactly what I need, when I need it.  On Monday, God placed my name on the heart of a man I have never met-one of Shawn's really good friends in prison, and he interceded on my behalf throughout the day.  I wouldn't have made it without his prayers.  He had no idea why, but he obeyed the prompting of the Lord, and I will forever be grateful.  On Tuesday, I found a story that I had written in 2008, a love story, my love story.  God has me write my love story, what I wanted it to look like, what I wanted him to look like, be like, how I wanted it to all happen, etc...every detail.  I did, at the time thinking it was the stupidest thing ever.  When I found it on my computer, and read it, I bawled like a baby...God was reminding me exactly what He has promised for me.  He knew way back then, that I would be here and need to know that He has a great plan, an amazing husband for me.  Today, Wednesday, I got a facebook message from a dear friend, who said that while she was praying for me today, out of nowhere she was led to pray for my future mate to come!  What she thought was "strange," was exactly what I needed!  These people who had no idea what I was going through, where I was at in my life, followed the obedience of the Lord and helped to remind me that He is my Hero!:)  Thank you friends, and thank you God!  I have chosen to not walk in the pain, to not walk in the hurt.  I have chosen to lift my vision higher, to see what God has promised me, not on my circumstances.  I  CHOOSE! 

God has asked me to "marry" Him this year.  To me, this means to completely concentrate on Him, to have no hindrances, no other priorities then Him and Him alone.  I don't know what the rest of this year hold, I know that although it is just April, I feel like I have already lived a year:)!  I know that He has amazing things in store for me, for my family.  I know that He has shaken the very foundation on which I stand, and I am still standing:)!  I know that no matter what others think about me, what they say about me, the lies they tell, the deception they bring, I am a child of the Living King.  I have chosen to live right before Him, to obey Him with complete abandonment, no matter the cost! 

Thank you to all of you who have walked on this journey with me.  Thank you for your friendship, your support, and most importantly, your prayers!  I am not the same because of them!

On another side note: Thank you for your prayers for my family and for Shawn.  He has now been in jail for a little over a year. He hasn't seen his dog, his freedom, his friends, eaten real ice cream, and many other things in over a year now...yet, he has gotten to know the King of Kings in a brand new way, he is learning to depend on Him more than ever before and we believe that his release will be soon!

This is a song by Catherine Mullins called "Hero." Please take the time to listen to it. This song has been a life saver to me the past few days, and has reminded me that Jesus is just that to me, My Hero:)

Simple Obedience

I am learning that some people in my life, or that used to be in my life, do not understand obedience.  They do not understand what that really means.  It would look like I am just being stupid, ignorant. lazy, etc...because I do not have a job, I do not have a car, I am living with my sister, I am 32 years old, etc.  They measure happiness, they measure success based on "things," a house, a car, a relationship, a family, on what looks good, what looks fulfilling.  How many of these people are truly happy, even though they have those "things?"  They have decided that having those things right now is worth risking their very soul.  They don't understand the urgency of His coming.  They don't understand that there isn't time to play around and feed the flesh...the time is short!   What good is any of that if I have not listened to the Lord?  If I choose to have all those things, knowing that I am not in the very center of His will?  I am not saying that you can't have both, but for me, those things would require me to step out of His perfect will for my life, and that is something that I am not okay with.
This is what I do KNOW...I KNOW that God told me to move back to Waxahachie, I KNOW that He told me to be a part of FFI.  I know that the circumstances around that are not at all what I would have planned BUT I KNOW that I am exactly where God wants me.  I am learning to depend completely on Him!  Because of my obedience, although at times it has been neither swift nor severe, I have lost relationships and friendships simply because they did not understand my obedience...I can serve God anywhere, why would I stay in a place where I am alone, when I can go somewhere and have the things, or the love, that I want?  Because that isn't what God asked of me...I do believe that He would bless me wherever I was, that I would be happy...but I KNOW that I would always wonder, part of me would always regret...So, because of my obedience I have lost much, BUT I believe that I am gaining so much more.  I am learning myself in a new way.  I am learning my Father in a new way.  My obedience to Him allows Him to bless me more than I have ever dreamed!  Although, right now, the pain, hurt, rejection, etc. is sometimes more than I can bear, I keep my focus on the things that God has promised me.  I have to believe that there is no cost that is too great, no pain that will not be worth what He has in store for me.  I have to believe this, otherwise I don't think I could survive.
You just wait and see!  You watch what happens in my life, what God does in my life, the miracles that He will perform, the undeniable blessings from Him!  Knowing that He is smiling upon me is the greatest joy of my life!

I am Different!

A year ago I would not have responded to this situation the same.  I would have been more hurt, I would have taken every word they said to heart, I would have believed every word, no matter how false they were, I would have believed them.  BUT now, today, I am not the same.  I AM DIFFERENT!  I know who I am.  I know what God says about me, what His Word says about me.  I know and it's that I will choose to believe!  I know who God sees me to be, and although I am not perfect, I am a child of the Risen King!  His daughter, His heiress!
Many people do not understand my obedience.  They do not understand because they are only seeing with their physical eyes.  They only see what they see.  They see me jobless, carless, poor, living with my sister, etc.  But they don't know what I know...they don't see what I see.  They don't know the amazing promises that God has given me...some based solely on my simple, or not so simple, obedience.  They don't see what my future holds like I do.  They don't know about the sacrifices that I have made to be obedient.  They don't know that He has promised that if I just trust Him, He will give me above and beyond anything I could ever dream!  I am dreaming His dreams, and even though they may not be what I would have dreamed, or looked the way I would have thought---they are so much more!  I wish I could take you all into my soul, into my heart, so you could feel what I feel, so you could expoerience what I experience! 
Every sacrifice, every hurt, every pain will be for a greater purpose!  I can say this, I am SO greatful, so thankful that I serve a God who knows the future from the beginning.  That He knows what is best for me, more than I do.  I am so thankful that He knows what I need, who I need and that He doesn't always answer my prayers with the answers I want when praying them! 

Come Like the Rain!

Wow! I know that it has been a little bit since I have written in here, but I really haven't had a lot to say, and I was tired of writing the same old stuff, the same feelings, emotions, stories, etc, so I just stopped writing for a while. I AM BACK:)!

Let me tell you that God is amazing! I can't explain to you everything that has happened in my life the past couple of months, the past couple of weeks. Something is stirring up within me! No, my circumstances have not changed, in fact by the world's standards, you would say that they have gotten a little worse (no need for details). BUT, I know who my Source is!!! My future is amazing!
God has required alot from me.  He has asked me sacrifice, that at times seemed so great.  Everything within me wanted to make sure that I was really hearing God, because I didn't want it to be true.  My flesh, my heart, did not want to sacrfice what He was asking of me.  But my spirit, my soul, could not NOT do it.  I knew that He would not ask me to give something up that He would not give back in return 100 times greater than I could ever imagine! 
My mind is in a new place, my heart is in a new place.  Everything that happens in my life, I know is for a purpose.  I know that He has great things in store for me, a ministry that I haven't even tasted yet.  I know that there are young women out there that will be going through things that I have already gone through, and because of the wisdom gained through my own circumstances, I will be able to help them get to where I am, where I will be, quicker!  Praise Jesus!  I know that there are great things in store for me, for my future! 
There is a song that I have been listening to alot lately, and it is the cry of my heart, my soul!  I would like to share it with you.  No matter what my soul longs for Him!  My soul longs for who He is, for what He desires, nothing and noone else will do!  Come like the Rain, Lord Jesus!