The thing about this blog is that it is real, it is raw. I don't hide anything, I try to keep my emotions, my journey with my readers, as real as I possibly can. I do this because I believe that one day, all of this, this journey of my life, will be a part of my story, a part of my book. So, I try to write everything exactly the way I see it, the way I feel it, the way I remember it. It is my truth as I know it. I try to show that every day is different, and just because you are a Christian, just because you know the Lord and you have a true and real relationship with Him, doesn't mean that every day will be full of daisies and rainbows. You will have bad days, you will have days where you feel like you can barely breath. You will have days where you feel like you can't even get out of bed, much less anything else. BUT I hope to also show you that it is because of my relationship with Jesus that I do get out of bed, I do breath, I do hope, I do move forward, I do have hope that tomorrow will be easier than today.
Today, I feel broken. Today I feel like he broke me, he broke me. The definition of broken is: violently separated into parts, shattered; damaged or altered. This is how I feel. I feel like I was violently (very good word) separated into parts. I feel like my heart, my world, was shattered. I feel damaged. I feel like I placed my hope, my trust, my promise in someone and he destroyed me, or at least he tried. Someday I hope to be able to tell you the details of this relationship--in fact someday I know that I will-but for now, it is too raw. There are things that I don't understand, there are truths that I don't know. Mistakes were made on both our ends, and choices were made. I have learned to put my trust in God and God alone. I have learned to only dream with Him. I have learned, if I didn't know it before, I have learned that one choice can change everything! One choice. I don't hate him, although at times it is really hard, but I don't. I can't. I have chosen to forgive him, and this is a choice that I must make everyday. Trust me, some days it is really hard. But my forgiveness isn't for him, it's for me.
My flesh feels broken. My flesh, my heart, feels shattered, damaged, but my soul, my spirit, he could never touch my spirit--which I think is one thing that bothered him more than anything else. My spirit soars. My soul roars with strength, with hope. Yes, I still have hard days, but I make it through them. I would like to say today, that I wish him well, I wish him all the love and happiness in the world. This is what I would like to say, but today, I can't, in my flesh, honestly say that. Today, my flesh wants him to hurt like I hurt, I want him to feel a little bit of what I feel. I want him to be alone, I want him to feel sorrow, grief, all these emotions. BUT more than anything else, my spirit, my soul, wants him to know truth. I want him to have such an encounter with the Lord God Almighty that everything that can will be shaken. I want him to know this love like he has never known before.
So, in my brokenness today I will rejoice that my God is Sovereign. I will be thankful that His answers to my prayers are more perfect than the answers I thought I wanted. I will be hopeful for the future that He has for me. I will be thankful, and hopeful, that my future husband will be everything (and more) that I need and want him to be. I will be thankful that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. The choice I choose to make is to focus my eyes, not on my circumstances, not on what is or is not happening around me, but rather on the One who is walking beside me! I will fall in love with Jesus all over again. I will talk to him like I talked to my ex. I will dream with him, I will share with him, I will love him. And when I am ready, He will being my "forever" to me and we will have an amazing story to share together.
Back in 2008 a friend of mine said that God wanted me to write my love story, to write how I wanted it to happen, what I wanted him to be like, etc. (I plan to include this story in my book.) At the time I thought it was crazy...I completely forgot about it until last week, when I found it. I realized, that even then God knew exactly where I would be, what I would be going through, and I what I needed to be reminded of. He shared with me in this moment that He is never to far away. He knows my every need, my every desire, my every dream. He has promised me great things, He has promised me a "fairy tale," one that I have always dreamt about, one that included my Prince Charming and my "happily ever after." So, I will cling to these promises...because one can never become too old to believe.
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