So this morning, as I was having my prayer time, I had a revelation. I have been writing on this blog for a while now, I have shared my ups and downs, discouragements and disappointments, etc. Most recently, I have been sharing my emotions as I walk through the healing of a love lost.
You see, this love was my first love. I was almost 31 when we started talking, when we started dating. I had waited 30 years to find someone. So, when he came into my life, I just “knew” it was God. We fell in love quickly and I was smitten. He was everything I could have ever imagined. I look back now, and I realize that I was settling for a lot of things, because I loved him. Let me set one thing straight. He was a good man. He loved God, he loved me the best that he knew how. He was broken, he had a lot of things from his past that he never allowed God to heal, out of fear, ignorance, etc. Looking back, I see a lot of things that I didn’t see at the time. Okay, back to my point. We loved each other. This was a long distance relationship, so there were many surprise visits, many late night phone calls, texts, etc. I remember everything so vividly. All the plans, the dreams, the secrets we shared. I remember how he made me feel, how he loved me. This year of love was amazing. No, it wasn’t perfect, but I was in love. I didn’t care about anyone or anything else. He made me happy. Now remember, this is all through my eyes, as I recall. These are my truths. He has his own story, his own version of the truth, but this is my blog and it’s my story.
And then everything changed…
We started fighting all the time---distance was very hard. We fought about anything and everything. All of a sudden there wasn’t anything I could do to make him happy. He wanted me to move, he had these ideas, these things we had never talked about (or we just miscommunicated about) that he wanted to happen, and would get angry when they didn’t, or when I wouldn’t oblige. I still loved him, and I knew that love, that relationships were hard (through my observations), and I was determined to make it through this. We would get through this.
Honestly, when we met, my relationship with the Lord wasn’t what it should have been. I hadn't lost my salvation or anything like that, but I wasn’t seeking His face like I should have been. So, the person that he fell in love with wasn’t the person he was looking at in the end. I started seeking God more than ever before. I longed for Him and Him alone, and through this, I started changing. I started listening like never before. I knew that God wanted me exactly where I was, no matter what. He didn’t understand that, he didn’t like it. He wanted me to be right where he was. I knew that he was supposed to be where I was. We couldn’t, or we wouldn’t compromise. When I refused, he got angry.
Before I knew it, he had turned to another. He found someone who was willing to do what he asked, go where he wanted, etc. My heart was crushed. I mean, literally, it was broken into a million pieces. If you go back and read some of my blogs, you will see. I didn’t understand how someone who claimed to love me so much could just turn to another so quickly, as if what we had, who we were, didn’t even matter. I felt rejected, I felt like a fool. I felt like our entire relationship was a waste. I felt used. I never want to feel that way again.
I said all of this to say this: As I was praying today, I had a revelation. How many times do we make God feel this way? How many times do we turn our attention to another because He isn’t giving us what we want, what we asked for? When He doesn’t fit into the ideas that we had for our lives, when He breaks the promises that we made for Him? When our dreams, and our plans don’t happen, we get angry at him and we reject Him. How many times have we made Him feel rejected? How many times have we hurt Him? Yet, He has never rejected me. He has never hurt me. He has never turned His attention to someone else. He has never left me. Never Once!
I don't EVER want to make God feel what I have felt through the loss of this relationship. At times, my heart is so broken that I can't breath. At times, I don't know how I can even make it through the moment, much less the day. I am immobilized at times. My heart grieves for what I lost, what I could have had. My heart grieves at the loss of dreams, of plans. I don't ever want Him to feel rejected by me, used, torn, worthless. I don't ever want to "cheat on" Him. EVER! Today, I realized that if for nothing else, the loss of this relationship, has made me realize a little bit of what we do to Jesus. It has made me realize that I never want to make God feel like this again. I never want to be responsible for causing Him pain and hurt of this magnitude, or at all for that matter. I never want to make His heart break, or tears fall, or pain. EVER! Even in my healing, I never want to forget what this moment, what this time, feels like, because I always want to never want to be the cause of making God feel like this. He loves me, He gave His life for me, and for that I will spend every day of my life making sure that He is my sole purpose, my first love, my everything. He will receive all of my attention!
I am SO THANKFUL that He is God! I am so thankful that His love for me is unconditional. That no matter how many times I reject Him, I hurt Him, He still loves me. I am so thankful that He will never reject me. When I don’t always do what He wants, or go where He wants, He doesn’t leave me, He doesn’t turn to another. I am so thankful that He is showing me, is teaching me about real love, Godly love.
So, through this pain of an earthly relationship, I am discovering the joys of the Heavenly relationship I have with my Father. He is teaching me to talk to Him like I would talk to my ex, to dream with Him the way I dreamed with my ex, to share secrets, to trust Him. He will never reject me, He will never fall in love with another, He is mine and I am His.
I am hopeful for the future. I am hopeful that I will find an earthly love again one day, and I know that this time, it will be based on a heavenly love. I am not the same. He must seek My Father in order to find me. The End!
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