I'm back in Tyler after spending a week in Waxahachie to watch my nieces because my sister had inservice. It was a long week, but I had fun:) I should be in Gilmer, I need to go home and start packing up my house. It's just so overwhelming. I feel like I don't have anything to go home to anymore. It's hard just being there. But I know that it has to get done and I'm the only one who can do it.
I don't feel like I belong. I don't feel like I "fit" anywhere. I hate this feeling. I hate being in this place. Yesterday, the final nail was hammered into the coffin of a part of my life. It hurts, and my heart is still so very broken. I want to believe that it is for the best, and I want to believe that God has better, but I don't feel it, I don't know that I can believe it right now.
I feel like I have all these pieces to a puzzle, and I've been trying to put them to the wrong picture. Or maybe I am the piece that is trying to form into the wrong puzzle.
I don't know where to go, or what to do. I don't know if I'm supposed to be in Waxahachie anymore. I mean, I know that someday maybe, but right now I am not sure that there is anything for me there. SO, I don't know where to go, or what to do. I am 32 years old and this sure isn't where I ever thought I would be...in this place.
I have to depend completely on God. He has to be my source for everything. I have to trust Him to provide that job, to provide the money, to provide the house, etc. My heart is to broken to hope for much of anything right now, but I have to trust that He knows what He is doing, and that He will meet me where I'm at.
I've been listening to a song by Britt Nicole called "Have Your Way." It's a hard song to sing, to hear, and to pray, but I have to...Here are the lyrics:
Feels like I've been here forever,
Why can't you just intervene?
Do you see the tears keep falling?
And I'm falling apart at the seams.
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn't hard,
But you promised you'd take care of me.
So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust you, God, with where I am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.
When my friends and my family have left me,
And I feel so ashamed and so cold,
Remind me that you take broken things
And turn them into beautiful.
So I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape,
And I'll trust you, God, with where I am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.
Even if my dreams have dies,
And even if I don't survive,
I'll still worship you with all my life.
My life.
And I'll stop searching for the answers,
I'll stop praying for an escape.
And I'll trust you God, with where I am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.
I know you will.
I won't forget,
You love me.
Have your way
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thank You
I just want to say Thank you. Thank you to those of you who read this blog faithfully. To those of you who stand by me, who support me, who never judge me. My emotions and my journey, through this blog, have been hard, but they have been real. It isn't always easy to post these. Some days, I feel that what I write may offend people. What? She's angry at God?" "She just called God a liar!" "Can you believe it?!!" But, I don't write these blogs for any one but me. This is the way I have learned to deal with my emotions, to process what I am going through. I don't always feel like I have people that I can talk to--I don't always know what to say, words get fumbled up when they come out and they don't make sense--but through this blog, I have learned that what I feel, what I want to say, flows perfectly through my fingers. I believe that God has given me a gift. I believe that HE talks through me sometimes in these blogs. I started writing these blogs for myself, so I could go back and read what I have written, so I would have a recorded account of the journey that God is taking me on, through. What I am beginning to realize is that these blogs aren't just for me. God is using me to speak life into others, He is using this blog to lift others up when they are down, to remind others that He is always faithful, and that it is ok to be angry at Him sometimes. He is a big God and He can handle it. And to remind people that just because you get angry, doesn't mean that you are sinning, it's what you choose to do with that anger that matters.
So, I thank you, my readers, for choosing to walk on this journey with me; To follow along as I struggle with this thing called life; To watch as I discover these new facets of God. Thank you for the sweet words, these words encourage me to continue to do what I love. Thank you.
On another note, I'm looking forward to start another journey soon...one that I will share alongside my brother. One, that we believe, God is birthing within us, to minister to people the only way we can right now. SO, I ask that you pray for me, for us. I ask that you will hold us up in your prayers, that our words will be from Him and Him alone. That it will be recieved well. That lives would be changed, and in it, we would be changed:) More to follow...
I will leave you with this...Although I may get angry at God, although I may get mad at him at times; although I may question every thing I know, everything I have ever believed in...trust me, I KNOW who He is. I KNOW that He is the Lion and the Lamb. I KNOW that He is Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. I KNOW that nothing happens until it passes through Him first. I KNOW that His ways are greater than mine. I KNOW that if He would have done what we (my family) wanted Him to, it would have been a miracle---a miracle that only we would have known about, but nonetheless a miracle. But now, now He has just set Himself on a platform to perform a miracle that a whole lot more people will witness. He has now set Himself up to perform the impossible. What man says cannot and will not and should not happen, God is going to prove wrong. His glory will be made known to the nations, this I do believe, through what He is going to do. My family will never be the same! He is changing us, for the better. I wish I could share with you all the details of what He is doing, of what Satan has tried to destroy, and how God has recieved the glory over and over. It isn't time yet, but when that day comes, I hope that you too will be blessed, that if you do not have a personal relationship with Him, that our story, the story that He is writing for us, will cause you to seek after one with Him. If you do have a relationship with Him, my prayer is that this story will forever change how you see Him. That our story will somehow bring you closer to Him then you have ever been. This is all that matters. Everything that I have gone through, everything that I have faced, everything that the future holds, is only for one purpose...to bring glory to His name, to see souls turned to Him. That is why it is so important for me to be real, for my emotions to be raw, for this blog to be open and honest, so that if on the chance someone reads this who is struggling with who God is, or has never heard His name, they will see that I am human, that I feel pain, that I feel anger, but He is greater than all those things! This is my prayer, that if I must go through these things, I will do it for His glory, for the advancement of His Kingdom. Trust me, I am not done with this journey at all, there are many more days to come, some filled with sadness, some filled with doubt and questions, some still filled with anger, and hopefully, some filled with joy and laughter. I know that there are many more bumps and turns in the road. I don't know what the road is going to look like, but I do know that the destination is the same. I know that when all this over and we look back at what we've gone through, when the emotions aren't so fresh, when we don't have to live breath by breath or moment by moment as much as we have to now, when we can talk about it, without shedding tears, or experiencing doubts, I know that we will be much stronger than we have ever imagined. I know that our faith in God will be indescribable, and our testimonies will be amazing!
What satan has meant for evil, MY GOD Will turn to good!!:)
Broken but learning to heal,
Andrea
So, I thank you, my readers, for choosing to walk on this journey with me; To follow along as I struggle with this thing called life; To watch as I discover these new facets of God. Thank you for the sweet words, these words encourage me to continue to do what I love. Thank you.
On another note, I'm looking forward to start another journey soon...one that I will share alongside my brother. One, that we believe, God is birthing within us, to minister to people the only way we can right now. SO, I ask that you pray for me, for us. I ask that you will hold us up in your prayers, that our words will be from Him and Him alone. That it will be recieved well. That lives would be changed, and in it, we would be changed:) More to follow...
I will leave you with this...Although I may get angry at God, although I may get mad at him at times; although I may question every thing I know, everything I have ever believed in...trust me, I KNOW who He is. I KNOW that He is the Lion and the Lamb. I KNOW that He is Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. I KNOW that nothing happens until it passes through Him first. I KNOW that His ways are greater than mine. I KNOW that if He would have done what we (my family) wanted Him to, it would have been a miracle---a miracle that only we would have known about, but nonetheless a miracle. But now, now He has just set Himself on a platform to perform a miracle that a whole lot more people will witness. He has now set Himself up to perform the impossible. What man says cannot and will not and should not happen, God is going to prove wrong. His glory will be made known to the nations, this I do believe, through what He is going to do. My family will never be the same! He is changing us, for the better. I wish I could share with you all the details of what He is doing, of what Satan has tried to destroy, and how God has recieved the glory over and over. It isn't time yet, but when that day comes, I hope that you too will be blessed, that if you do not have a personal relationship with Him, that our story, the story that He is writing for us, will cause you to seek after one with Him. If you do have a relationship with Him, my prayer is that this story will forever change how you see Him. That our story will somehow bring you closer to Him then you have ever been. This is all that matters. Everything that I have gone through, everything that I have faced, everything that the future holds, is only for one purpose...to bring glory to His name, to see souls turned to Him. That is why it is so important for me to be real, for my emotions to be raw, for this blog to be open and honest, so that if on the chance someone reads this who is struggling with who God is, or has never heard His name, they will see that I am human, that I feel pain, that I feel anger, but He is greater than all those things! This is my prayer, that if I must go through these things, I will do it for His glory, for the advancement of His Kingdom. Trust me, I am not done with this journey at all, there are many more days to come, some filled with sadness, some filled with doubt and questions, some still filled with anger, and hopefully, some filled with joy and laughter. I know that there are many more bumps and turns in the road. I don't know what the road is going to look like, but I do know that the destination is the same. I know that when all this over and we look back at what we've gone through, when the emotions aren't so fresh, when we don't have to live breath by breath or moment by moment as much as we have to now, when we can talk about it, without shedding tears, or experiencing doubts, I know that we will be much stronger than we have ever imagined. I know that our faith in God will be indescribable, and our testimonies will be amazing!
What satan has meant for evil, MY GOD Will turn to good!!:)
Broken but learning to heal,
Andrea
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Hebrews 11:1
What is Hope? Merriam-Webster defines it as: to cherish a desire with anticipation; to desire with expectation of obtainment; to expect with confidence...
What is faith? Merriam-Webster says its: alligiance to duty or a person; firm belief in something to which there is no proof; complete trust.
So, I have hope that everything is going to work out. I don't know how, but I have hope. I cherish this desire with anticipation:) I also have the faith in God to KNOW that He is going to prove Himself once again:) You see, He could have done what we thought He was going to, He could have come through for us the way we thought He said He was going to...had He chosen to do this, we (my family) would have KNOWN that is was God, completely God. But now, now He has set Himself up for the impossible. He has set Himself up to do something that everyone says can't happen, or won't happen. He has placed us in a position for a miracle! So now, it isn't going to be just my family that KNOWS it was God, but everyone that we have touched, everyone that is involved, and even those who arent. God has made sure that this way, He is going to recieve more glory than He would have before. This way, more souls will be saved, more lives will be touched. The playing field has just gotten bigger.
Hebrews 11:1 says: "Now faith is the confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (NIV)
I love this version:) The Message says: "The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see."
Without my faith, my hope, my life isn't worth living. If I didn't have my hope, my faith in God, it would make these struggles, this life completely impossible for me to live. I thank God that I have Him. I thank God that even when everything else seems to fall apart, when I have a million questions, when I get angry and throw temper tantrums, when I, in my humanness, worry and doubt, that He is my constant. I am thankful that He never changes, that He never fails, that I am never to much for Him to handle. I am thankful for who He is!:)
I am learning who He is to me. You may know Him as your savior, as the One who loves you, anyone who has a relationship with Him knows this. But I am learning who He is to me, personally. To Me, He is my Constant. He is my rock. He is the One who sustains Me. When the storms of life are happening and the waves are crashing in on me, He is the Rock that I hide under. He is the One who keeps me safe, yes, I may get wet, but I will not drown:)
Who is He to you? Where is your hope? Your faith?
Broken but thankful,
Andrea
What is faith? Merriam-Webster says its: alligiance to duty or a person; firm belief in something to which there is no proof; complete trust.
So, I have hope that everything is going to work out. I don't know how, but I have hope. I cherish this desire with anticipation:) I also have the faith in God to KNOW that He is going to prove Himself once again:) You see, He could have done what we thought He was going to, He could have come through for us the way we thought He said He was going to...had He chosen to do this, we (my family) would have KNOWN that is was God, completely God. But now, now He has set Himself up for the impossible. He has set Himself up to do something that everyone says can't happen, or won't happen. He has placed us in a position for a miracle! So now, it isn't going to be just my family that KNOWS it was God, but everyone that we have touched, everyone that is involved, and even those who arent. God has made sure that this way, He is going to recieve more glory than He would have before. This way, more souls will be saved, more lives will be touched. The playing field has just gotten bigger.
Hebrews 11:1 says: "Now faith is the confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (NIV)
I love this version:) The Message says: "The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see."
Without my faith, my hope, my life isn't worth living. If I didn't have my hope, my faith in God, it would make these struggles, this life completely impossible for me to live. I thank God that I have Him. I thank God that even when everything else seems to fall apart, when I have a million questions, when I get angry and throw temper tantrums, when I, in my humanness, worry and doubt, that He is my constant. I am thankful that He never changes, that He never fails, that I am never to much for Him to handle. I am thankful for who He is!:)
I am learning who He is to me. You may know Him as your savior, as the One who loves you, anyone who has a relationship with Him knows this. But I am learning who He is to me, personally. To Me, He is my Constant. He is my rock. He is the One who sustains Me. When the storms of life are happening and the waves are crashing in on me, He is the Rock that I hide under. He is the One who keeps me safe, yes, I may get wet, but I will not drown:)
Who is He to you? Where is your hope? Your faith?
Broken but thankful,
Andrea
Monday, August 22, 2011
I KNOW...
Today is an okay day...Today most teachers and teachers started school...I thought I would be one of those, but at this point, I am not. I'm still trying to understand what God is doing, I've resigned to figuring it out, I never will, but trying to understand it, still working on it. My emotions are a roller coaster. I still get angry, I still hurt, I still get sad, I still cry, but I am learning how to deal with each emotion as it comes. I know that God knows what He is doing and I know that He has a plan...that knowledge, however, doesn't make it any easier. I still have losses, I still have holes in my heart, it's still broken, I'm still hurt...
The Word...this is where I find my strength, this is where my help comes from. Although it is still hard, my life, I am so thankful that I have the Word of God that becomes alive in Me. I have His promises that I can cling too---even though sometimes I feel like they aren't true---I know they are. I know that what I can't see with my human eyes, I can see with my spiritual eyes. I know that NOTHING is impossible for Him. I know that greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world. I know that My God shall supply ALL my needs. I know that He is Jehovah Jireh, I know that there is power in the very name of Jesus. I know that perfect love cast out all fear. I know that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind. I know that His peace is a peace that passes ALL understanding. I know that Joy comes in the morning. I know that His mercies are new every morning. I know that the Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him. I know that the steps of a righteous man are ordered by God. I know that the righteous are never forsaken. I know that the just shall live by faith. I know that the God of Jacob, of Moses, of Abraham, of Isaac, of Paul, of Peter, of Smith Wigglesworth, of C. S. Lewis, of Billy Graham, of my grandmother, is the SAME God that lives in Me! He is the same God! HE hasn't changed, He has never been unfaithful, He has never broken a promise, He has never left me hungry, or without a roof over my heard, or without anything else that I NEED. He knows every detail that needs to happen, for me personally, and for my family. He knows the time frame that it needs to happen in and he knows the finances that are needed to make it happen. He is a detailed God, and He is a strategic God! This is the God I serve and this is the God that is going to come through for me and for my family once again!
Broken yet hopeful,
Andrea
The Word...this is where I find my strength, this is where my help comes from. Although it is still hard, my life, I am so thankful that I have the Word of God that becomes alive in Me. I have His promises that I can cling too---even though sometimes I feel like they aren't true---I know they are. I know that what I can't see with my human eyes, I can see with my spiritual eyes. I know that NOTHING is impossible for Him. I know that greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world. I know that My God shall supply ALL my needs. I know that He is Jehovah Jireh, I know that there is power in the very name of Jesus. I know that perfect love cast out all fear. I know that God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind. I know that His peace is a peace that passes ALL understanding. I know that Joy comes in the morning. I know that His mercies are new every morning. I know that the Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him. I know that the steps of a righteous man are ordered by God. I know that the righteous are never forsaken. I know that the just shall live by faith. I know that the God of Jacob, of Moses, of Abraham, of Isaac, of Paul, of Peter, of Smith Wigglesworth, of C. S. Lewis, of Billy Graham, of my grandmother, is the SAME God that lives in Me! He is the same God! HE hasn't changed, He has never been unfaithful, He has never broken a promise, He has never left me hungry, or without a roof over my heard, or without anything else that I NEED. He knows every detail that needs to happen, for me personally, and for my family. He knows the time frame that it needs to happen in and he knows the finances that are needed to make it happen. He is a detailed God, and He is a strategic God! This is the God I serve and this is the God that is going to come through for me and for my family once again!
Broken yet hopeful,
Andrea
Thursday, August 18, 2011
The Whole Story....
I'm just so confused. I'm so confused about who You are. I know what Your Word says, and I know who You are supposed to be, but I'm so confused as to who You are to me. Who You are supposed to be to me. I'm hurt, that much I know. I'm broken, and I'm angry. Everybody knows that now...My head knows all these things about you that I'm suppsed to know. I know that You haven't left me, haven't left us. I know that You haven't lied. I know that you do not withold any good thing from your children. I know that you have a plan, and I know that your love remains with me, and that your love is perfect. I know that things happen and sometimes you turn your head, because you hate to see your children hurt, you hate to see us in pain, but you know the greater picture. Just like Your Son Jesus, after He had been beaten and bruised and nailed upon a cross, He cried out, "Father Why Have You forsaken me?" And you turned your head away from Him---because you knew the whole story, you knew the outcome, and you couldn't bare to see him in pain...and now 2000 years later, you are turning your head away from me because you know the whole story. You are allowing this pain, this hurt because you know the whole story....I don't understand it and I am mad at you for it...but I have to trust that you really do know the whole story, and that You really do love me more than I can even think or imagine...because if I can't know this, then there really is no point is there?...this life would be hell on earth...So, even in my brokeness, even in my pain, in my anger I say thank you. THank you for loving me, thank you for seeing the whole story, for loving me enough to want the ABSOLUTE best for me, no matter how much that hurts!
My final thought is this: IF my God is for us, then who could ever stop us? and if our God is with us, then what could stand against us. With YOU, ANYTHING is possible...and this is what I'm striving to grab a hold of...
My head KNOWS all these things...and maybe my soul does too, but my heart? My heart doesn't seem to believe in any of it right now...
Broken still,
Andrea
My final thought is this: IF my God is for us, then who could ever stop us? and if our God is with us, then what could stand against us. With YOU, ANYTHING is possible...and this is what I'm striving to grab a hold of...
My head KNOWS all these things...and maybe my soul does too, but my heart? My heart doesn't seem to believe in any of it right now...
Broken still,
Andrea
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Dear God
Dear God,
I'm angry at You. I've been angry for a while now, but I have just seemed to realize exactly how angry I am. I have many "reasons" for this anger. I'm angry that you didn't stop this. I'm angry that this is the path that you decided for us. I'm angry that you didn't ask me. I'm angry because you could have "fixed" this, you could have changed this. You, and You alone have the power to decide every moment of our lives, yes, we have free will, but this wasn't a "free will" decision. This wasn't a choice that we were given, this was You. You did this! Everyone says, "God's a big God. He can handle your anger. He can handle it." So, I sure hope they are right. I hope that you can handle this.
I'm angry because for 30 years you allowed boys/men to stay at arms length away from me, because you knew that I fall hard, that I don't always think before I act...whether it was a time issue or a placing issue, a mom's prayer, for whatever reason, you allowed it...and then you allowed this man to come into my life--I prayed, I felt like I sought your face, before I did anything, before I made any decision and I spent an entire year with this man, even though it was long distance, nonetheless...and then you took him from me. You asked me to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life...YOU asked me to let him go...and I did it...I did it...This man who knows everything about me, my past, my present, and the dreams of my future...and you who knew how hard it is for me to trust people, to open up to people...and I did it with this man, because I fell inlove with him...because I thought you said it was ok...and then you asked me to let him go....How dare you...
And then, when I had made peace with it, with You...you do this...you chose this...and then you just leave me in the dark and ask me to simply trust You. I'm so angry because you not only took him away, but you decided to take the other one away too (I know I'm being discreet, sorry), you took two of the most important people in my life and you don't seem to even care. If that was all there was, if that was it, then maybe this would be a little "easier." But, now I have no job, I have no source of income, I have a car that has to be paid, insurance that has to be paid, I now have to move out of the home I have built for myself, to I have no idea where...I have to pack up a house full of memories, all the good ones, yet a constant reminder of the present circumstances. The car I drive, the place I live, a tv show, a commercial, a song, a joke--everything is a constant reminder...
So, I'm angry and right now, I don't know how to get past it. I don't know how to move from this place. I don't know if I hear your voice at all...everything I thought I had heard apparently was wrong, so now I wonder...I can't see past this moment. I can't see the bigger picture. I know that You say you know the end from the beginning, I know that you say that Your Ways are higher than ours, I know that you say that I am going to come out of this stronger than I went in, and that souls are going to be saved, etc. Right now, I just don't know if it is truly going to be worth it. I'm just so hurt, so broken, so confused. I try not to worry, but I don't have a job, so it's hard to stay busy and "keep my mind off things." I'm angry, God, because right now, to me, You are a liar. You told me, us, all these things that were supposed to happen, that WERE going to happen, and they didn't , you lied. I know that you don't lie but in my human, finite mind...you didn't follow through with what you promised, so therefore you lied...and I'm angry, just angry.
I'm biting my nails again...I had just stopped doing that...I did everything you asked...and still...
Your Angry yet broken child,
Andrea
I'm angry at You. I've been angry for a while now, but I have just seemed to realize exactly how angry I am. I have many "reasons" for this anger. I'm angry that you didn't stop this. I'm angry that this is the path that you decided for us. I'm angry that you didn't ask me. I'm angry because you could have "fixed" this, you could have changed this. You, and You alone have the power to decide every moment of our lives, yes, we have free will, but this wasn't a "free will" decision. This wasn't a choice that we were given, this was You. You did this! Everyone says, "God's a big God. He can handle your anger. He can handle it." So, I sure hope they are right. I hope that you can handle this.
I'm angry because for 30 years you allowed boys/men to stay at arms length away from me, because you knew that I fall hard, that I don't always think before I act...whether it was a time issue or a placing issue, a mom's prayer, for whatever reason, you allowed it...and then you allowed this man to come into my life--I prayed, I felt like I sought your face, before I did anything, before I made any decision and I spent an entire year with this man, even though it was long distance, nonetheless...and then you took him from me. You asked me to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life...YOU asked me to let him go...and I did it...I did it...This man who knows everything about me, my past, my present, and the dreams of my future...and you who knew how hard it is for me to trust people, to open up to people...and I did it with this man, because I fell inlove with him...because I thought you said it was ok...and then you asked me to let him go....How dare you...
And then, when I had made peace with it, with You...you do this...you chose this...and then you just leave me in the dark and ask me to simply trust You. I'm so angry because you not only took him away, but you decided to take the other one away too (I know I'm being discreet, sorry), you took two of the most important people in my life and you don't seem to even care. If that was all there was, if that was it, then maybe this would be a little "easier." But, now I have no job, I have no source of income, I have a car that has to be paid, insurance that has to be paid, I now have to move out of the home I have built for myself, to I have no idea where...I have to pack up a house full of memories, all the good ones, yet a constant reminder of the present circumstances. The car I drive, the place I live, a tv show, a commercial, a song, a joke--everything is a constant reminder...
So, I'm angry and right now, I don't know how to get past it. I don't know how to move from this place. I don't know if I hear your voice at all...everything I thought I had heard apparently was wrong, so now I wonder...I can't see past this moment. I can't see the bigger picture. I know that You say you know the end from the beginning, I know that you say that Your Ways are higher than ours, I know that you say that I am going to come out of this stronger than I went in, and that souls are going to be saved, etc. Right now, I just don't know if it is truly going to be worth it. I'm just so hurt, so broken, so confused. I try not to worry, but I don't have a job, so it's hard to stay busy and "keep my mind off things." I'm angry, God, because right now, to me, You are a liar. You told me, us, all these things that were supposed to happen, that WERE going to happen, and they didn't , you lied. I know that you don't lie but in my human, finite mind...you didn't follow through with what you promised, so therefore you lied...and I'm angry, just angry.
I'm biting my nails again...I had just stopped doing that...I did everything you asked...and still...
Your Angry yet broken child,
Andrea
Friday, August 12, 2011
Imagine
Warning: the views and opinions expressed in this blog are merely that---my views and opinions, they may or may not be yours and that is ok...but it is my blog that you are reading, therefore I am entitled to my opinion:) Read with caution!
What's on my heart right now? Well, thank you for asking:)
Worship. I wish people could really see, could really understand my heart for worship...I may not be a leader, or even on a team, but nonetheless, my heart, my entire being is made for worship.
Here lately I have really been watching worship videos of "The Ramp" (if you have never heard of them you should check it out, it's a youth ministry that Karen Wheaton started about 12 years ago---amazing and powerful!) on YouTube. Bryn Waddell is the Ramp worship leader. Every time I watch him, listen to him, my heart cries out. Oh how I want to worship like these people worship---and it's not just teens...they worship God with pure abandonment. They do not care what others think...they just simply and wholly worship the Lord Jesus Christ.
Abandoned worship is to worship Him without restraint, without control, without inhibitions. To completely give up yourself to Him. Imagine with me: Everyone worshipping Jesus with abandon...imagine the power that is in that...no distractions, no worries...everything is focused on Him, every thought is focused on Him. If this happens, all of a sudden, every worry, every problem, every fear, every hurt, EVERYTHING disappears in the image of Him. With just the mention of His name, mountains move! Can you picture that? You don't have to scream out His name, you don't have to pay, you don't have to do anything but muster up enough breath to speak His Name and mountains move!! Chains are loosed, bondages are broken, broken are restored, wounded are healed, joy is restored, sins are forgiven, debts are paid, money comes in, promotions, marriages are restored, souls are saved, demons tremble, EVERY knee bows, every tongue confesses that He is Lord, everything and anything that you need is brought to you---just when you SAY THE NAME of Jesus!
Imagine: if all those things can happen with just the whisper of His Name--what do you think will happen if we worship Him with complete and total abandon? Wow! I am so honored that He has given me a heart of worship...I long to worship Him with complete abandon. I long to see His face, I long to see Him! We were created to worship Him. Our sole purpose on earth is to worship Him; to have a relationship with Him! When we worship Him, we become less and He becomes more! For me, worship isn't about the song that you sing, it's about the words of those songs...how many times have we just sung the song without really feeling the words, without really knowing what we sing?
For instance: in the song "Beautiful One"--it says "My soul, my soul must sing..." It isn't saying your soul can sing if it wants....My soul, my soul MUST sing. Our soul was created to sing to Him! Our soul MUST sing, it cannot just be quiet, it MUST sing!
Through my worship deliverance comes, through my worship, my chains are loosed. Miracles happen! The things that are deemed as impossible happen when I worship! Unexplainable things happen! You never know what God can do for someone else through your worship!
Another thought: freedom--if you are truly free then you will truly worship. My definition of worship may not be the same as yours and that's okay. "Everyone worships differently." This is a saying I have heard and witnessed my entire life. I have seen dancers, jumpers, those who worship quietly, those who worship with their arms folded and their heads bowed---and that's okay I suppose. My only problem with this is if you are really free...free from your bondage, free from your sin, free from those things that have tormented you,--then how can you just sit there? That, in and of itself, should make you want to shout it from the mountaintops! Being truly free, you should want to dance and jump and prophecy it to the nations! We are free! Jesus Christ DIED, He gave up His life, was beaten and bruised, and took your sins upon His self, just so we could be free! Yet, we just sit there and "worship" Him with our arms folded, concerned about what other people may think of us...I just don't get it. Now, I will be the first to say that I have not been completely free in my worship, but my heart's cry is that God would change me!
My challenge to you: if you already have the heart of worship--ask God to help you worship Him with pure abandonment. To really worship Him with everything that you are---to truly understand the words you are singing. To put aside the worries of this world, of your world, and worship the Great I Am!
If you don't have a heart of worship-ask God to give you one:)
My prayer is this: That God would break my box, that He would loose my worship! That I would worship Him with pure abandon! Because He is worthy! He is worthy even if He never does another thing for me...He is worthy even if He leaves the circumstances in my life the way they are right now--He is still worthy of all of my worship--all of me!
God, I pray that I would have the courage to worship you with pure abandonment. I pray that you would increase my heart of worship! Lord, help the songs I sing not just be songs, but help them to be words of life that change me! You created my soul to worship you---help me to live for my sole purpose!! --Amen
I am going to include a few links to some videos of what I believe is abandoned worship:) Enjoy!
Striving to worship with abandonment,
Simply Drea
We Exalt Your Name---The Ramp Worship Band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX5DSo8qiAo
Catherine Mullins @ The Ramp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0jzxs-X5N4
and finally Spencer Kopp w/ Eddie Jam singing Freedom Medley Pt. 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9P1s2_fpfM
and Pt. 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlgDvJDoOb0&feature=related
What's on my heart right now? Well, thank you for asking:)
Worship. I wish people could really see, could really understand my heart for worship...I may not be a leader, or even on a team, but nonetheless, my heart, my entire being is made for worship.
Here lately I have really been watching worship videos of "The Ramp" (if you have never heard of them you should check it out, it's a youth ministry that Karen Wheaton started about 12 years ago---amazing and powerful!) on YouTube. Bryn Waddell is the Ramp worship leader. Every time I watch him, listen to him, my heart cries out. Oh how I want to worship like these people worship---and it's not just teens...they worship God with pure abandonment. They do not care what others think...they just simply and wholly worship the Lord Jesus Christ.
Abandoned worship is to worship Him without restraint, without control, without inhibitions. To completely give up yourself to Him. Imagine with me: Everyone worshipping Jesus with abandon...imagine the power that is in that...no distractions, no worries...everything is focused on Him, every thought is focused on Him. If this happens, all of a sudden, every worry, every problem, every fear, every hurt, EVERYTHING disappears in the image of Him. With just the mention of His name, mountains move! Can you picture that? You don't have to scream out His name, you don't have to pay, you don't have to do anything but muster up enough breath to speak His Name and mountains move!! Chains are loosed, bondages are broken, broken are restored, wounded are healed, joy is restored, sins are forgiven, debts are paid, money comes in, promotions, marriages are restored, souls are saved, demons tremble, EVERY knee bows, every tongue confesses that He is Lord, everything and anything that you need is brought to you---just when you SAY THE NAME of Jesus!
Imagine: if all those things can happen with just the whisper of His Name--what do you think will happen if we worship Him with complete and total abandon? Wow! I am so honored that He has given me a heart of worship...I long to worship Him with complete abandon. I long to see His face, I long to see Him! We were created to worship Him. Our sole purpose on earth is to worship Him; to have a relationship with Him! When we worship Him, we become less and He becomes more! For me, worship isn't about the song that you sing, it's about the words of those songs...how many times have we just sung the song without really feeling the words, without really knowing what we sing?
For instance: in the song "Beautiful One"--it says "My soul, my soul must sing..." It isn't saying your soul can sing if it wants....My soul, my soul MUST sing. Our soul was created to sing to Him! Our soul MUST sing, it cannot just be quiet, it MUST sing!
Through my worship deliverance comes, through my worship, my chains are loosed. Miracles happen! The things that are deemed as impossible happen when I worship! Unexplainable things happen! You never know what God can do for someone else through your worship!
Another thought: freedom--if you are truly free then you will truly worship. My definition of worship may not be the same as yours and that's okay. "Everyone worships differently." This is a saying I have heard and witnessed my entire life. I have seen dancers, jumpers, those who worship quietly, those who worship with their arms folded and their heads bowed---and that's okay I suppose. My only problem with this is if you are really free...free from your bondage, free from your sin, free from those things that have tormented you,--then how can you just sit there? That, in and of itself, should make you want to shout it from the mountaintops! Being truly free, you should want to dance and jump and prophecy it to the nations! We are free! Jesus Christ DIED, He gave up His life, was beaten and bruised, and took your sins upon His self, just so we could be free! Yet, we just sit there and "worship" Him with our arms folded, concerned about what other people may think of us...I just don't get it. Now, I will be the first to say that I have not been completely free in my worship, but my heart's cry is that God would change me!
My challenge to you: if you already have the heart of worship--ask God to help you worship Him with pure abandonment. To really worship Him with everything that you are---to truly understand the words you are singing. To put aside the worries of this world, of your world, and worship the Great I Am!
If you don't have a heart of worship-ask God to give you one:)
My prayer is this: That God would break my box, that He would loose my worship! That I would worship Him with pure abandon! Because He is worthy! He is worthy even if He never does another thing for me...He is worthy even if He leaves the circumstances in my life the way they are right now--He is still worthy of all of my worship--all of me!
God, I pray that I would have the courage to worship you with pure abandonment. I pray that you would increase my heart of worship! Lord, help the songs I sing not just be songs, but help them to be words of life that change me! You created my soul to worship you---help me to live for my sole purpose!! --Amen
I am going to include a few links to some videos of what I believe is abandoned worship:) Enjoy!
Striving to worship with abandonment,
Simply Drea
We Exalt Your Name---The Ramp Worship Band
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX5DSo8qiAo
Catherine Mullins @ The Ramp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0jzxs-X5N4
and finally Spencer Kopp w/ Eddie Jam singing Freedom Medley Pt. 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9P1s2_fpfM
and Pt. 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlgDvJDoOb0&feature=related
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
overwhelmed..
So many things running through my mind...over and over and over. How do I make them stop? This blog will probably be random, because that's how my thoughts are coming here lately. There are so many things that have to be done, that I have to do in the next few weeks. My first thought is ,"How am I gonna do all this?" Followed by, "How am I going to afford to do all this?" I have no job, I have no money, I have bills that have to be paid, things that have to get fixed, I have to pack, and move, and figure out where I'm gonna live and what I'm gonna do with all the stuff, and where I'm going to put it...How am I going to pay my bills? How is all this going to happen...I know that God is a God of the details, and I know that He knew all of this before even I did, but I am human and I think ALOT! I will choose to trust Him to work out the details, all the details, because I don't have any other option...He is going to have to do this, because quite simply, I cant.
I had an interview on Monday. They said they would call by Tues. morning, seeing as how new teacher inservice started today, Wednesday. However, my phone never rang. They never called. It gets really frustrating, you know. If you are going to be a professional, atleast have the decency, the respect to call and let people know. THey are counting on knowing. We are counting on knowing...either way, we deserve to know. This isn't the first time this has happened. Apparently, schools do this all the time. Atleast to me anyways.
I am still trusting and believing in God. However, this is not how I wanted it to happen. I told God I didn't want to rush, I wanted to be able to take my time. And now, everything is already so overwhelming, and I don't even have a job...
I am still choosing to trust, I am still choosing to believe that He has a greater plan...but I am human and sometimes it's hard. I know that when I look back on this time, I will see and be amazed at what God has done. It's just hard when you're in it:) I'm ready to start writing happy blogs, joyous blogs, victorious blogs. We still have a long ways to go, but I am ready for some good things to come...
Broken and learning,
Andrea
I had an interview on Monday. They said they would call by Tues. morning, seeing as how new teacher inservice started today, Wednesday. However, my phone never rang. They never called. It gets really frustrating, you know. If you are going to be a professional, atleast have the decency, the respect to call and let people know. THey are counting on knowing. We are counting on knowing...either way, we deserve to know. This isn't the first time this has happened. Apparently, schools do this all the time. Atleast to me anyways.
I am still trusting and believing in God. However, this is not how I wanted it to happen. I told God I didn't want to rush, I wanted to be able to take my time. And now, everything is already so overwhelming, and I don't even have a job...
I am still choosing to trust, I am still choosing to believe that He has a greater plan...but I am human and sometimes it's hard. I know that when I look back on this time, I will see and be amazed at what God has done. It's just hard when you're in it:) I'm ready to start writing happy blogs, joyous blogs, victorious blogs. We still have a long ways to go, but I am ready for some good things to come...
Broken and learning,
Andrea
Sunday, August 7, 2011
I Choose...
Today I choose to trust...it isn't easy, and there isn't always a "clear definition" of what choosing to trust means to me, but on this day, I CHOOSE to trust that my Heavenly Father is working on my behalf, on my brother's behalf, on my family's behalf. I CHOOSE to trust Him to work out every detail, EVERY detail that I have already, and haven't even, thought of. He knows the end from the beginning, so I have to trust that He already knows how this story, this chapter, is going to end. He knows how everything is going to work out. Yes, I am still angry, I'm still hurt, BUT that's ok...God is big enough to handle it, to handle me and my tantrum's....When I scream, flail my arms and stomp around, he is big enough to take it. He is big enough to take my questions, my anger, my bitterness, all of it. He is God afterall...
It isn't going to be easy, I'm not always going to feel like it, I'm gonna have fits of rage, anger. I'm gonna still scream and yell and throw tantrums, but in the end, I will still CHOOSE to trust Him. I will CHOOSE to believe that HIS story is going to be so much better than mine would have been. I'm going to CHOOSE to believe that the outcome of this is going to be greater than even I can imagine or fathom. I'm going to CHOOSE to believe that the brother that I know now, the strong, humble, amazing, passionate, man of God is going to be so much greater than he already is. I'm CHOOSING to believe that my family, the Quinney family, is going to be stronger and closer than we already are, that we are going to have a testimony that is greater and more powerful than we have ever imagined! I am CHOOSING to believe that every day that I wake up is going to be a day of hope, a day of miracles, a day for God to prove to us that He is in fact right in the middle of all of this...
So, today I CHOOSE to have hope, to not worry about what tomorrow brings, but rather have hope for the opportunity for miracles! Lord, let it be swift:)
Choosing hope in the brokeness,
Andrea
It isn't going to be easy, I'm not always going to feel like it, I'm gonna have fits of rage, anger. I'm gonna still scream and yell and throw tantrums, but in the end, I will still CHOOSE to trust Him. I will CHOOSE to believe that HIS story is going to be so much better than mine would have been. I'm going to CHOOSE to believe that the outcome of this is going to be greater than even I can imagine or fathom. I'm going to CHOOSE to believe that the brother that I know now, the strong, humble, amazing, passionate, man of God is going to be so much greater than he already is. I'm CHOOSING to believe that my family, the Quinney family, is going to be stronger and closer than we already are, that we are going to have a testimony that is greater and more powerful than we have ever imagined! I am CHOOSING to believe that every day that I wake up is going to be a day of hope, a day of miracles, a day for God to prove to us that He is in fact right in the middle of all of this...
So, today I CHOOSE to have hope, to not worry about what tomorrow brings, but rather have hope for the opportunity for miracles! Lord, let it be swift:)
Choosing hope in the brokeness,
Andrea
Saturday, August 6, 2011
waiting...
Today, I keep waiting to wake up...surely this all can't be real. It can't be my life...it can't be what I'm really going through? What my family is really facing? Surely this has to be a joke, a sick joke. And then I pinch myself and realize this is REALLY happening. This is my life.
Monday I have a job interview...any other time I would've been so excited, but now, now I find myself wondering how I can move forward. Move at all. There is so much that needs to be done, and the finanaces just aren't feasible, there isn't enough time in the day...and if I get this job? How do I move, EVERYTHING, and where do I move it...I won't have a paycheck for a while, I'll have to live at my sister's out of a suitcase for who knows how long? How can I do everything that needs to be done, and move forward without feeling guilty for just living? How do I be happy for myself? How do I one day get married? How do I do these things without him there? I can't fathom the thought. I don't want that to be the case. So, I live for today...moment by moment. Praying for a miracle, yet unable to really hold out any hope for one at all because frankly, my heart just can't take it. I have lived my whole life as a fantasizer, loving the "happily ever afters," and now the reality is more real than it has ever been...this time the "happily ever after" doesn't seem like it's coming any time soon...
I need God, this God that loves me, this God who knows the ending from the beginning, every detail, every movement, everything...I need Him to come through, BIG and soon!
I'm still angry, I'm still confused, I'm still hurt...I think I will be for a while, but I am working through them...slowly but surely. It still isn't easy and I still hate it, but it is what it is and it is my life...
Broken.
Andrea
Monday I have a job interview...any other time I would've been so excited, but now, now I find myself wondering how I can move forward. Move at all. There is so much that needs to be done, and the finanaces just aren't feasible, there isn't enough time in the day...and if I get this job? How do I move, EVERYTHING, and where do I move it...I won't have a paycheck for a while, I'll have to live at my sister's out of a suitcase for who knows how long? How can I do everything that needs to be done, and move forward without feeling guilty for just living? How do I be happy for myself? How do I one day get married? How do I do these things without him there? I can't fathom the thought. I don't want that to be the case. So, I live for today...moment by moment. Praying for a miracle, yet unable to really hold out any hope for one at all because frankly, my heart just can't take it. I have lived my whole life as a fantasizer, loving the "happily ever afters," and now the reality is more real than it has ever been...this time the "happily ever after" doesn't seem like it's coming any time soon...
I need God, this God that loves me, this God who knows the ending from the beginning, every detail, every movement, everything...I need Him to come through, BIG and soon!
I'm still angry, I'm still confused, I'm still hurt...I think I will be for a while, but I am working through them...slowly but surely. It still isn't easy and I still hate it, but it is what it is and it is my life...
Broken.
Andrea
Friday, August 5, 2011
The story was good enough...
I'm probably going to be writing in this alot. One day I am going to write a book, and I need to remember this page in my story, this chapter, actually this will probably be the whole story! Right now, I can't imagine being "on the other side" of this. I can't imagine these feelings, these emotions just being a distant memory. Right now they are all so fresh, so raw, so real. I'm angry. I'm completely angry. I'm angry at people, but ultimately it comes down to being angry at God. He's the one who couldv'e changed this, fixed it, returned a different outcome. He's the one who ultimatlely decided. Yes, He "left it in the hands of..." but ultimately, He decided this.
I'm finding it hard to breath. I'm finding it hard to move forward. I'm finding it hard to be happy. And this whole trust thing...just trusting that He knows what He's doing. Right now, that doesn't seem like a good idea. How can this be "better?" How can this be the best thing? I was perfectly okay with the first story's ending...It made for a good story, a great story. Why did we need to add more chapters? The story was just fine.
I'm finding it hard to process what the next few days, weeks, months, (years?) are going to look like. My mind can't imagine or even comprehend that, for me, for my family. I KNOW all the things I'm supposed to know. I KNOW that God is faithful, I KNOW that in the end it's going to be worth it all, I KNOW that He knows what He's doing, I KNOW that He sees the whole picture and we just see the here and now...blah blah blah...I KNOW all of these things...however, it's a whole lot easier to say, to believe, when it's for someone else...but when you are the one walking in the pitch black tunnel, without even a flashlight (because you hadn't even been prepared to be in the tunnel at all), all of the things you KNOW to be true have a hard time proving themselves.
So, here we continue to walk through this tunnel because we have no room to go anywhere or do anything else. We can't go backwards, we can only move forwards. I mean, we could just stop in sit right where we are at, but we want out of this...one thing I do know is that I want out of the present so bad that I HAVE to move forward...
This blog has been and will continue to be real, to be raw. IF you choose to read it, then you are choosing to walk with me as I struggle with anger, doubt, fear, disbelief, etc. You are choosing to read the words that I write through my tears, my pain, my heartache, and maybe hopefully one day, my joy. You are choosing to become a raw and real part of my world. You are choosing to watch me question everything I have ever believed in and hopefully find that my beliefs have been true. You are taking on the responsibility to not just read the words I write, or feel the emotions that I go through, but you are choosing to be a prayer partner, to seek the throne of God for me, for my family, when we can't do it ourselves. You are choosing, like Aaron and Hur, to hold up our hands (through prayer) when we can not hold them up anymore, when we feel weak and tired, when we feel like we are losing the battle. I need you to make sure that this is a responsibility that you are up for...because I promise you that it wont be easy, you will get frustrated, and maybe even angry yourself...hopefully, I can also promise you that the ending result to this story will in itself be a great reward for you:) So, if I don't say it again...I thank you for choosing to be a part of this journey...you may think it is a small part, but I promise you it is greater than you will ever know!
When I write that book, you'll get yours free:)
Broken
Andrea
I'm finding it hard to breath. I'm finding it hard to move forward. I'm finding it hard to be happy. And this whole trust thing...just trusting that He knows what He's doing. Right now, that doesn't seem like a good idea. How can this be "better?" How can this be the best thing? I was perfectly okay with the first story's ending...It made for a good story, a great story. Why did we need to add more chapters? The story was just fine.
I'm finding it hard to process what the next few days, weeks, months, (years?) are going to look like. My mind can't imagine or even comprehend that, for me, for my family. I KNOW all the things I'm supposed to know. I KNOW that God is faithful, I KNOW that in the end it's going to be worth it all, I KNOW that He knows what He's doing, I KNOW that He sees the whole picture and we just see the here and now...blah blah blah...I KNOW all of these things...however, it's a whole lot easier to say, to believe, when it's for someone else...but when you are the one walking in the pitch black tunnel, without even a flashlight (because you hadn't even been prepared to be in the tunnel at all), all of the things you KNOW to be true have a hard time proving themselves.
So, here we continue to walk through this tunnel because we have no room to go anywhere or do anything else. We can't go backwards, we can only move forwards. I mean, we could just stop in sit right where we are at, but we want out of this...one thing I do know is that I want out of the present so bad that I HAVE to move forward...
This blog has been and will continue to be real, to be raw. IF you choose to read it, then you are choosing to walk with me as I struggle with anger, doubt, fear, disbelief, etc. You are choosing to read the words that I write through my tears, my pain, my heartache, and maybe hopefully one day, my joy. You are choosing to become a raw and real part of my world. You are choosing to watch me question everything I have ever believed in and hopefully find that my beliefs have been true. You are taking on the responsibility to not just read the words I write, or feel the emotions that I go through, but you are choosing to be a prayer partner, to seek the throne of God for me, for my family, when we can't do it ourselves. You are choosing, like Aaron and Hur, to hold up our hands (through prayer) when we can not hold them up anymore, when we feel weak and tired, when we feel like we are losing the battle. I need you to make sure that this is a responsibility that you are up for...because I promise you that it wont be easy, you will get frustrated, and maybe even angry yourself...hopefully, I can also promise you that the ending result to this story will in itself be a great reward for you:) So, if I don't say it again...I thank you for choosing to be a part of this journey...you may think it is a small part, but I promise you it is greater than you will ever know!
When I write that book, you'll get yours free:)
Broken
Andrea
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Where do we go from here...
Almost two weeks ago I wrote on my blog about how my heart had been broken into a million pieces...what I didn't know then was that there was still more pieces to be broken. Yesterday, my life was completely turned upside down. I won't go into a lot of detail because, let's face it, although this may be my online journal...it is just that, "online." Yesterday, at about 5:45pm, everything I thought I new about God was questioned, everything I believed in, everything I hoped for was shattered. For a split second, I felt hopelessness, anger, shock, disbelief, fear, rage, sadness, hurt, and so many other feelings that I don't have the words for. I don't know how people who do not have a relationship with the Lord survive. Yes, I still feel alot of those things, but the hopelessness--I KNOW that He is My hope. Without Him I would have no hope.
We were so sure of the outcome. We were so sure of what was going to happen, we knew what God had promised us. There were so many people praying, so many people believing for a miracle, believing and interceding. We were so sure...we were so sure...and then to be wrong, to not have prepared ourselves for the "what if's" because that would be doubting, not believing, not having faith in God. We prayed for God's will to be done, but we were so sure what His will was to be...
Now, as this day approaches, I am faced with the "where do I go from here?" Where do we as a family go from here? What do we do? How do we make it through every day? How do we make it through, and truly LIVE, not just go through the motions? How do I make it through? How do I truly LIVE and move forward with my life and not feel guilty?
My struggle right now is this...remember that I am only human....I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I have seen God move mountains for people, I have heard stories, and seen myself, miracles. I have had faith to believe for the impossible. But now-32 years later, when I needed Him to come through for me and my family...He failed me. Yet, I KNOW He didn't. I KNOW that He knew this was going to happen all along, so why didn't He prepare us? Why did He make all those promises to us and then not follow through? Why are these things happening? These are all questions that invade my mind at night when I should be sleeping...and then during the day, I just move through the motions...at times I even find the need to remind myself to breath.
I KNOW that God is faithful and I KNOW that He has never left me or forsaken me. I KNOW that He is in complete control and I KNOW that He knows what He is doing, but I struggle right now with trusting Him. I struggle with having the faith to believe. I struggle with hope...I'm just broken, so broken.
Completely Broken~
Andrea
We were so sure of the outcome. We were so sure of what was going to happen, we knew what God had promised us. There were so many people praying, so many people believing for a miracle, believing and interceding. We were so sure...we were so sure...and then to be wrong, to not have prepared ourselves for the "what if's" because that would be doubting, not believing, not having faith in God. We prayed for God's will to be done, but we were so sure what His will was to be...
Now, as this day approaches, I am faced with the "where do I go from here?" Where do we as a family go from here? What do we do? How do we make it through every day? How do we make it through, and truly LIVE, not just go through the motions? How do I make it through? How do I truly LIVE and move forward with my life and not feel guilty?
My struggle right now is this...remember that I am only human....I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I have seen God move mountains for people, I have heard stories, and seen myself, miracles. I have had faith to believe for the impossible. But now-32 years later, when I needed Him to come through for me and my family...He failed me. Yet, I KNOW He didn't. I KNOW that He knew this was going to happen all along, so why didn't He prepare us? Why did He make all those promises to us and then not follow through? Why are these things happening? These are all questions that invade my mind at night when I should be sleeping...and then during the day, I just move through the motions...at times I even find the need to remind myself to breath.
I KNOW that God is faithful and I KNOW that He has never left me or forsaken me. I KNOW that He is in complete control and I KNOW that He knows what He is doing, but I struggle right now with trusting Him. I struggle with having the faith to believe. I struggle with hope...I'm just broken, so broken.
Completely Broken~
Andrea
Monday, August 1, 2011
Obedience is better...
Obedience is better than sacrifice...this is so true, but sometimes God requires both. This is what I am learning. Sometimes God asks for both obedience and sacrifice. This is where I am at in my walk with Him right now. He has asked me for 100% obedience, but with that came a sacrifice that was the hardest thing I've ever done. He asked me to sacrifice my hopes, dreams, plans, and love, in promising that He would prove to be so much greater than all these things I had. I have yet to see the results of this sacrifice (it's only been a little over a week:)) but I am trusting that He will follow through with His promises. He has promised to move quickly, with blessings, abundantly. He has promised that this year (my 32 birth year) would be the greatest that I have seen...hard to imagine since it started out as the hardest I have ever experienced. I know that He is faithful and that His plans are mighty. I know that in my obedience He will find me faithful. I am not saying in any way has this been easy. It is a constant struggle and a daily reminder. But I love Him more than I want anything or anyone in this world.
Still Broken but Walking Forward,
Simply Drea<><
Still Broken but Walking Forward,
Simply Drea<><
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