THoughts....

You are the Light of My Life.
You are my Joy, My laughter, My grace, my beauty, and my strength.
You are the reason that I sing.
The reason that I dance.
I am who I am because of You.
Others may not understand who You are but I know who You are to ME.
You are my strength in times of weakness, my light in the dark.
My hope when everything around me seems Hopeless.
You are my breath when I'm drowning.
You are my lover when I'm alone and my peace in the midst of the storm.
When I fall, you rise within me.
When I soar, it is You who is carrying me.
When I am hurt, you are my healer.
When I cry, you wipe the tears away.
When I laugh, you laugh with me.
I stand in awe of You, not just of who you are, but who You are in Me.

I want to give You everything. I want to worship you until it hurts, until it physically hurts, until I feel something--pain---so that I can know that my worship cost me something. My worship must cost me something, or it isn't truly worship.
You have changed the very course of my life so that it lines up with the course you have for me. I will not ask questions, I will run with pure abandonment towards Your dreams for Me. I will reach those that You have called me to reach, I will share your love and mercy with those who are dying. I will not judge those who are the easiest to judge because of what they've done---yet I will show mercy as you have shown me mercy.
I will think before I speak. I will love unconditionally, without hesitation.
I will give you all the honor and praise.
It is you who make the blind see, the lame walk, the deaf hear, and the mute speak. It is you who hung the stars in the sky and told the sun and moon when to rise and went to fall. It is you who dug the holes that inhabit the waters and it is you who tell the tides where to stop. It is you who fed the 5000 and still sent the little boy home with leftovers:)! It is you who sent your only Son, your hope for a dying world, placed Him in the earth as a newborn baby, watched Him grow up, falling inlove with Him more and more every minute of every hour of every day. It was You who watched Him be beaten and bruised and then hung on a cross hearing Him cry out, "Father, why have you forsaken me" and breath his last breath. It is you whose heart broke in that very minute as my face passed before your eyes. It was You who wept for me.
It was You who three days later breathed life back into your Son. It was You who rose from the dead. It is You who is Alive.
You died so that I could live and I will die everyday so that You can live in me!

This time...

God is amazing! Simply amazing! I don't understand, nor will I ever, how people can know about God and yet turn away from Him. This just tells me that they don't really know Him. How can you know of His undying love, have tasted His goodness, felt His presence, experienced His forgiveness, and still turn away from Him? I have known, tasted, felt, and experienced all of these things and I am more humbled now than I have ever been. I know the sin from which He saved me from, I know that I will never be the same. I know that He is my only reason for waking up in the moring. He is the One who quiets me when my flesh wants to yell at the hypocrite. He is my strength, my breath, my life. In Him there is no pride, only humility, there is no selfishness, only selflessness, no fear only hope, no personal gratification--to God be the glory!
I know that God as great rewards in store for me:) Recently, I feel like I have become the housewife without the wife part:) Due to some unforseen circumstances, my sister and her 4 girls have moved in with my parents for about a month. You see, my sister isn't exactly a multi-tasker...everytime she comes to see us, she seems to think of it as a "vacation." She doesn't do what needs to be done in a timely manner, she's rather lazy (I do believe that this stems from a depression that I think she is slipping into) so, I have become the mom---My mom works full time, so I clean the house, fix the dinners, take care of the children---don't get me wrong, my sis does some things---just maybe not like she needs to, or I would like for her too...Anyways, it is only by the grace of God that I don't become bitter. I don't get a long with my brother in law--not by anything that I have done---I have taken every biblical step that was necessary to mend this relationship...it's by his choice...he is not a Christian, and is the most selfish person I have ever met in my life---so, I believe that because of the Holy Spirit in me, because my spirit does not sit well with the spirits in him---so, it is very hard for me to be in my own home when he is here---he carries alot of stuff on him, he knows it, and he welcomes it---which is trouble in and of itself---anyways, So all this to say that I know that I am just in waiting for my chance...the blessings that God has for me are huge and countless in number.
So, God, I will wait on You. I will trust You. I will hope in You. I will love You with everything that I am and everything that I have. I will give You my time, my heart, my passion, my voice, my ears, my hands, and my feet for You to do anything and everything that you choose!
This is my heart...
Started on my book:)

UP 2 date

It's been a while...lots of changes have happened here...Where to begin. I turned 30, in California at the Santa Monica Pier:) I quit my teaching job of 3 years because I knew that God no longer wanted me there. I packed up my house of a year and a half (hey, the lease was up and I couldn't afford to live there alone) and I moved in with my parents, and my brother. I am in a place of trusting God like never before. I have a book to write, a story to tell. This is never where I thought my life would be but this is where I am. There are times when I look back, ask myself what, if anything, I could have done differently. I have no regrets. Everything that I have done, or that has been done to me has helpoed to shape me into the woman that I am today. I, unlike alot of my fellow bloggers, do not have a husband to write about, or children who brighten my day, or do/say something funny that I just have to share. All I have is where my life is right now. It's not alot, but it is precious to me. Someday I will look back at all of these blogs and see how far God has brought me, my family.
Family---someday the world will know the story of my family. How we have had to trust Him in what we feel has been the hardest, longest experience of our entire lives. THey will know the grace and mercy of our Lord Jesus. He has shown Himself in a new way. I have discovered more things about Him this year. He is always faithful! He TRULY loves His children, every one of them. There is NOTHING, absolutely nothing that can seperate us from His love. I have watched those around me struggle with their own definition of God. They have struggled with their own demons, their own darkness, but I have also watched them allow God to pick them up out of the deepest, darkest pit they have ever been in, one they dug for themselves, as God pulled them out, wiped them clean, and held them close. He is truly a Saving, Loving God.

Real

My God is real. I don't care what anyone says, what circumstances anyone is going through. I don't care how hurt you've been, how sick, how sad, how poor, how bitter, how angry...my God is real. The devil is a liar. God's favor is on my life, on the life of my family and I believe that no matter what satan tries to do, or who he uses, he will not win. He is not going to win. He can fight, he can push, but he will not win. I will go to California, because that is where God is leading me, my brother will be ok, he will be better than ok---God is doing great things every moment of every day in his life! My life is anointed and my calling is great! I will live my life, no matter what satan has in store, God has something greater!!!!!
There are so many things going on in my head right now. I'm torn between my past, my present, and my future. My future is taking me so far away from everything that I have ever known. However, the taste that I have had has been so exciting...there can be so much for me here. I can see myself having this whole new life, fitting in here, as crazy as that sounds. I beleive that God has so much in store for me here. This is the beginning of the dreams God has for my life. I'm not sure what they are, but they are exciting. They have to be because my God is a big God. My husband is here. That in and of itself is a dream come true. He is anointed, He is called, He is funny, He is romantic, He is loving, caring, thoughtful, hopeful, a dreamer, and giver, a lover, compassionate, faithful, gracious, spontaneous, strong, Man of God, and a dream come true. He is waiting for me. Here in this place, this place that is so unfamiliar to me, is where God is going to do great things. I have always been "different...I think different, I talk different, I act different...this has been how God has made me, for this reason, for this purpose. I will not run from it, but I will embrace it, however he chooses to do it.

California, Here I come!!!

My life is a whirlwind right now...or atleast it seems to be. Packing up a house that has the stuff of three people, alone, is a task in and of itself...trying to figure out what belongs to who, etc. Packing without really knowing what you are doing. I know that I am going to California, but right now, I have no idea what I am going to do there, where I am going to live, how i am going to survive. I do know this---this is a faith walk that I have never taken before. I have had to God for a lot of things in my life, but never like this. He has never asked me to pick up my entire life and leave everything I have known behind; my family, my friends, my church, my job, my life...to go to a strange place, a place that I have never been before and start all over. I never really even asked for this, but I know that this is the destiny He has for my life, for right now. I don't know where this road will lead me, what doors it will open, who I will meet, what will happen, but I do know that I am willing. That's all He asks of me, right? I am learning faith in its upmost definition---subtance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen---hope. I hope for those promises. I hope for a future. I hope. I will see those things that He has promised, happen. I hope that you will choose to be a part of my journiey---to watch with me as things unfold in this journey that I am taking. I covet your prayers as I listen closely to the Lord as He directs my every step, opens every door that needs to be opened, and closes the ones that need to be closed. I am excited and scared all at the same time---this is so out of my comfort zone, so out of what I would do, which is exactly why it thrills me. I know that it is completely HIm!!

Why

Why? Why do you have to pretend to be my friend? Pretend that everything is ok? Pretend that you care? The truth comes out. You never cared. You only wanted whatever served your purpose, whatever made you feel better. I will tell you this--the justice that you seek, isn't going to fill the void you have in your heart, your soul. The sentence you want isn't going to make it all go away. This is your issue. This is something that you have to deal with on your own, in your way. Watching the doors slam aren't going to take away the pain, the strife that you have within your own family. I promise you this---no matter what you seek, no matter what you press, God will have His way---for His glory. Satan will not win this. God has already granted so much, done so much, why would He turn His back on us now? No matter what the "law of the land" is, God's law supercedes it all. HE WILL HAVE HIS WAY! He never said it would be easy, He just promised that it would be worth it! And that it will be, just watch and see!!!!!

Here I am. I have been told more than once over the last few months that I needed to start writing down everything that I was feeling, everything that I was facing in life right now. From all that happened in my family, to right now, here in this moment, as I prepare for the scariest, yet most exciting move in my life ever. So, I thought what better time than now. Now, that school is over and I have all this free time, this along with all the other stuff, is what I plan to do this summer. So bare with me as I pour my heart and soul out into these blogs, as I play out my journey...the feelings, both good and bad, here in this place. Come along and journey with me...:)

Tagged...

So, we play the "tagging game" once again:)

Here are my 8 things:
8 things I am Looking Forward To:
Going to Cali on my road trip:)
Watching how God works everything out for good in a certain situation
the future
swimming
Watching my nieces grow up
sleeping in tomorrow
Seeing my parents
Moving to California:)

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
slept in
Read a book
Blogged
Went to the store
Gave my dog a bath
Cleaned my bathroom
Watched a movie

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
Fly:)
Worry Less
travel more
fix it
love more
have more to give more
be in two places at once
end world hunger

8 Shows I watch:
Fringe
Ace of Cakes
So You Think You Can Dance
Jon & Kate Plus 8
American Idol
One Tree Hill
Lost
Psych
8 People I tag:
Christina
Jessica
Jennifer
Angie
Erica
Christina
MaryAnn
Melissa

A new journey...

It's been a while. So much here is going on...there are so many changes happening all around me...school is over in 3 days, I'm going on a road trip for a couple of weeks at the end of this months...moving to California end of July, and so many more things that I can't even begin to talk about right now. God is teaching me more about blind faith than I think I ever wanted to know. I have so many questions, so many things I want to know, but He just says, "trust me." He has never failed me, He has never let me down, so why would I doubt him now. He is asking me to go to a place I have never been. He is asking me to leave behind everything that I know, everyone I know, everything comfortable, and follow Him. I am leaving behind my friends, my family, my job, my church, to follow Him into unfamiliar territory. This is a new walk for me, a new level. However scared that I am, i am excited. I am thrilled to see where He will take me to, what He will do in me. I'm excited to watch Him work everything out for me. This is the greatest step of faith that I have ever taken, but I believe that it will be the greatest outpour of blessings that I have ever seen! I hope you will choose to come along as i blog about this unfamiliar but exciting journey in my life:)

It's hard to love someone when everything they do, everything they say is mean, filled with hatred, disgust. You don't even know what you did to deserve it. How can one person be so completely filled with so much hatred, bitterness, anger, jealousy, and resentment? It's eating them up inside, it's got to be completley miserable to be them. I don't know how God does it, I guess that's why we're human and he's not. He can love unconditionally, without judgement. He forgives and forgets in an instant. We tend to remember, to hold on to the things that hurt us the most---I'm not really sure why. This is why I build walls---why i don't let people in. If they aren't close, they can't hurt you as much. If you don't let them in, they can't say things that can possibly destroy you. I know this isn't good, but it's my defense mechanism---you start getting to close and I start pushing.
I'm here. I'm here in a place where it's so confusing. I don't understand any of it, I don't like it. I have never been this ready to get out. To go be on my own, to live my life---yes, there are things that I will miss---my family for sure---but the time is coming, I am ready, FINALLY! I am at a place where I really think I can do this, I can go out on my own and not be afriad. Don't get me wrong-it's still scary, but I'm ready. God is taking me there, allowing certain things to happen so that I will want to go, and not feel like I'm being forced to:)
These are just random thoughts---no order...:)

Three Days

I know it's been a while. I've been really busy. There is so much going on here in my life, but I am so busy I barely have time to breath, let alone blog about it! Three days! There are only three days left until Spring Break. Maybe, just maybe during this break i will be able to catch up on all my blogging. Along with that book I need to write, those pictures I need to take, etc. Spring Break isn't really a break, it's just a relief to be alone. To have some peace and quiet, get back to loving my name:) "Ms. Quinney...! I have never been more annoyed with the sound of my name, than I have been in the last few weeks. Ha! Well, I hope you can all hold on for a few more days:)

Again....

Here I am. This place that is so familiar, this place that I have been so many times before, yet each time it is more intense, more desperate, more needed. I need to know what my next move should be. I only want to do what you want for me. I can only do what you want me to do...this place where I am desperate for an answer, for answers. All of these feelings, these emotions. Yes, I know that God is always faithful, that he has a plan, that all things work together for the good of those that serve Him, I know that I can hear His voice, that I have a calling on my life, that His ways are greater than mine...I get all of this, but it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't tell me where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to do it. It doesn't help calm my insides, it doesn't help bring clarity to this mind I have. I have all of these things that I know, and all of these things that I want and right now, they don't neccessarily all match up.
I never thought that my life would be here...that this is where I would be...in this place...for this reason. I need answers...desperately! Direction. I do what I know to do...I read Your Word...I seek Your face...yet, how can I know that it is you speaking to me? I know how to hear Your voice, but right now, through this, I can't trust myself in knowing that it is you or just simply wanting it to be you. How do I get back to the place where I know that it is your voice that I hear? How do I get there? Is it just time...is that what it takes? Is it just waiting for things to pass, to get clearer, to end before I am confident in my spiritual self again?
How did I get here? One day I am strong and confident in my ability to hear your voice and the next my entire world gets shattered, shaken from underneath me, completely to the core, and everything that I know is tested. Everything I have ever been taught about who You are is in question. It's like all of a sudden I am asking you, almost daring you to prove yourself this time. "YOu've done all this, but can you fix this? Can you really get me, get us, through this? And here you are...day by day...proving yourself faithful...yet, I don't trust myself to hear your voice yet.....What do I do now....

Here it is...

So I have been photo tagged!! I haven't been on this blog thing for very long, yet here I am getting tagged already:)! I don't really like "tags" but this is a photo tag so it's fun:) So here it is...This is my niece Zoe in March of '08. She was outside playing so I thought it would be fun to have a little photo shoot with her:) I love this picture, it is one of my favorites of her

So... anyone who reads my blog, but hasn't played yet, you're it! Go to your pictures file, go to the 4th file in your pictures file and post the 4th picture in that file. No editing, just post as is. Can't wait to see your pictures!! :)

I am...

This is who I am. I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a sister, a sister-in-law, an aunt, a friend, a teacher, a follower of Christ, a world changer, a writer, a photographer, a failure and a succeeder, broken and whole, humble yet proud, a follower yet a leader. A worshipper. This is where I find my strength. In my worship I can go where noone else can take me. I go to a place where my world as I know it doesn't exist. I go into the throne room of the Lord God Almighty where nothing else matters but who He is. My problems, my worries, my stresses, my fears, they all disappear next to Him. When i can't sleep I pop in my ipod, play my favorite worship song and enter into a realm that is like no other. Worshipping is so much more than just singing some words set to music; it is realizing who Jesus is, what He did. It's about letting go of everything I need, everything I want and just being greatful for who He is. He is the reason i sing. He is the reason that I will take those pictures and write those books. In my worship, my life makes sense.

Trying this out

This blogging thing has apparently become quite the thing to do, so I thought I would try it out:) I already have some blogs on myspace and xanga, but thought I'd try this blog spot thing out too. i don't know if this will work, or if anyone will be interested in knowing the in and outs of my life, but its for fun. I have alot of things to say and alot of people I am sure would rather I write them down, and they can read when they have the time:) This is part of my passion---writing. I have always been able to talk with my fingers better than with my mouth. Here is where I will start to write those books God wants me to write, post the pictures He wants me to take. Here is where I will begin this journey that He is asking me to start. So, stay with me as I listen closely to His leading and work out this process here:) Until next time....