Again....

Here I am. This place that is so familiar, this place that I have been so many times before, yet each time it is more intense, more desperate, more needed. I need to know what my next move should be. I only want to do what you want for me. I can only do what you want me to do...this place where I am desperate for an answer, for answers. All of these feelings, these emotions. Yes, I know that God is always faithful, that he has a plan, that all things work together for the good of those that serve Him, I know that I can hear His voice, that I have a calling on my life, that His ways are greater than mine...I get all of this, but it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't tell me where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to do it. It doesn't help calm my insides, it doesn't help bring clarity to this mind I have. I have all of these things that I know, and all of these things that I want and right now, they don't neccessarily all match up.
I never thought that my life would be here...that this is where I would be...in this place...for this reason. I need answers...desperately! Direction. I do what I know to do...I read Your Word...I seek Your face...yet, how can I know that it is you speaking to me? I know how to hear Your voice, but right now, through this, I can't trust myself in knowing that it is you or just simply wanting it to be you. How do I get back to the place where I know that it is your voice that I hear? How do I get there? Is it just time...is that what it takes? Is it just waiting for things to pass, to get clearer, to end before I am confident in my spiritual self again?
How did I get here? One day I am strong and confident in my ability to hear your voice and the next my entire world gets shattered, shaken from underneath me, completely to the core, and everything that I know is tested. Everything I have ever been taught about who You are is in question. It's like all of a sudden I am asking you, almost daring you to prove yourself this time. "YOu've done all this, but can you fix this? Can you really get me, get us, through this? And here you are...day by day...proving yourself faithful...yet, I don't trust myself to hear your voice yet.....What do I do now....