Never To Old...

The thing about this blog is that it is real, it is raw.  I don't hide anything, I try to keep my emotions, my journey with my readers, as real as I possibly can.  I do this because I believe that one day, all of this, this journey of my life, will be a part of my story, a part of my book.  So, I try to write everything exactly the way I see it, the way I feel it, the way I remember it.  It is my truth as I know it.  I try to show that every day is different, and just because you are a Christian, just because you know the Lord and you have a true and real relationship with Him, doesn't mean that every day will be full of daisies and rainbows.  You will have bad days, you will have days where you feel like you can barely breath.  You will have days where you feel like you can't even get out of bed, much less anything else.  BUT I hope to also show you that it is because of my relationship with Jesus that I do get out of bed, I do breath, I do hope, I do move forward, I do have hope that tomorrow will be easier than today. 
Today, I feel broken.  Today I feel like he broke me, he broke me.  The definition of broken is: violently separated into parts, shattered; damaged or altered.  This is how I feel.  I feel like I was violently (very good word) separated into parts.  I feel like my heart, my world, was shattered.  I feel damaged.  I feel like I placed my hope, my trust, my promise in someone and he destroyed me, or at least he tried.  Someday I hope to be able to tell you the details of this relationship--in fact someday I know that I will-but for now, it is too raw.  There are things that I don't understand, there are truths that I don't know.  Mistakes were made on both our ends, and choices were made.  I have learned to put my trust in God and God alone.  I have learned to only dream with Him.  I have learned, if I didn't know it before, I have learned that one choice can change everything!  One choice.  I don't hate him, although at times it is really hard, but I don't.  I can't.  I have chosen to forgive him, and this is a choice that I must make everyday.  Trust me, some days it is really hard.  But my forgiveness isn't for him, it's for me.
My flesh feels broken.  My flesh, my heart, feels shattered, damaged, but my soul, my spirit, he could never touch my spirit--which I think is one thing that bothered him more than anything else.  My spirit soars.  My soul roars with strength, with hope.  Yes, I still have hard days, but I make it through them.  I would like to say today, that I wish him well, I wish him all the love and happiness in the world.  This is what I would like to say, but today, I can't, in my flesh, honestly say that.  Today, my flesh wants him to hurt like I hurt, I want him to feel a little bit of what I feel.  I want him to be alone, I want him to feel sorrow, grief, all these emotions.  BUT more than anything else, my spirit, my soul, wants him to know truth.  I want him to have such an encounter with the Lord God Almighty that everything that can will be shaken.  I want him to know this love like he has never known before.
So, in my brokenness today I will rejoice that my God is Sovereign.  I will be thankful that His answers to my prayers are more perfect than the answers I thought I wanted.  I will be hopeful for the future that He has for me.  I will be thankful, and hopeful, that my future husband will be everything (and more) that I need and want him to be.  I will be thankful that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  The choice I choose to make is to focus my eyes, not on my circumstances, not on what is or is not happening around me, but rather on the One who is walking beside me!  I will fall in love with Jesus all over again.  I will talk to him like I talked to my ex.  I will dream with him, I will share with him, I will love him.  And when I am ready, He will being my "forever" to me and we will have an amazing story to share together. 
Back in 2008 a friend of mine said that God wanted me to write my love story, to write how I wanted it to happen, what I wanted him to be like, etc.  (I plan to include this story in my book.)  At the time I thought it was crazy...I completely forgot about it until last week, when I found it.  I realized, that even then God knew exactly where I would be, what I would be going through, and I what I needed to be reminded of.  He shared with me in this moment that He is never to far away.  He knows my every need, my every desire, my every dream.  He has promised me great things, He has promised me a "fairy tale," one that I have always dreamt about, one that included my Prince Charming and my "happily ever after."  So, I will cling to these promises...because one can never become too old to believe. 

Rain

Rain. I love the rain. I love storms. I love everything about them. I sleep better when it’s raining. Even the smell of rain is amazing!


Today, while it is storming outside, God is reminding me of why He brings the rain. He brings it to clean away the old, to bring something new. To bring a fresh start, to water that which has become stagnant, stopped growing. Rain brings vibrancy. It brings a freshness that we can’t get without it. Rain sweeps away all the dirt, the grime from the ground and prepares the soil for seeds to be planted. After the rain, the sun comes out. Flowers bloom, grass grows, birds chirp, children laugh, and rainbows appear.

This goes for spiritual rain also. I love it when God brings the rain. In my life, it seems like all it has done for the last few years is rain. It seems that there is this never-ending storm that follows me wherever I go. But today, God showed me that this “never-ending” storm is coming to a close. The spiritual rain that has happened/is happening in my life has been for Him to clean away the old, make room for the new things. He is bringing a fresh start. He is preparing my soil for new seeds. He is watering that which has been stagnant. He is changing me. I can see it. I can feel it. He is preparing me for something that is beyond anything I could ever dream. My desire, my sole desire, is for Him to bring all the rain He needs to, to get me exactly where He wants me. He has promised that after the rain, the sun will come out and all things will be made NEW!

So, instead of dreading the storm, wondering when it is going to end, or even being afraid of it, I will CHOOSE to go out and dance in the rain! Will you join me?

CHOOSING!

I wish that I could share with you the excitement that I feel in the air! I wish that you could feel what I feel. I am so excited about the plans that God has for me, and I am so grateful that His plans are so much greater than mine! I am so thankful that even though I don't understand all the pain, all the heartache (which alot has been caused by my own choices), I KNOW that His grace and His mercy is real and so overwhelming! I know that He has so much in store for me, for my family, and if I took the time to tell you everything that I believe, I feel, you wouldn't even believe me! His plans are GREAT!

I am doing well. It is a process, a moment by moment, breath by breath process. Every morning I must CHOOSE to forgive, CHOOSE to move forward, CHOOSE to believe that I am in the cradle of His arms, and CHOOSE to obey His every word. The man I loved is dead, the man he is now is lost. So, I'm grieving. Through this grief, I am CHOOSING to see that He is good. I am CHOOSING to focus my vision on Him and His promises for me. He has promised me good things, great things. He has promised a man who will love me like no other. If anything, I am grateful for what I had, because it will make me so thankful for what I get. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I see His favor, His grace, His mercy on my life. I'm seeing how much He truly loves me. So, in the words of my amazing brother, "Goodbye PooPoohead ____! Hello, Amazing Future!":)

I have been reminded once again, that every choice, EVERY CHOICE that a person makes affects more than just themselves. No matter whether the choice be good or bad, it affects everyone around you. In my case, this persons choice has effected me to the core of my being. The very foundation on which I stood was shaken, but you know what? I'm still standing! I will never give anyone enough power in my life to destroy me...no one will destroy me, because I am a daughter of the KING! If I can share anything that I have learned, I will share this: MY GOD IS GOOD! One day I will write a book, and in this book, I will share the truth as I know it, the truth as I have lived it. I will share my mistakes, my failures, my successes, and my strength! Through this blog you, my readers, have been given snippets of my life over the past few years, but through my book, you will see how every blog, every strand has come together to create a beautifully woven quilt of God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love over my life. Clothed in Him I am dreaming His dreams for my life...HIS DREAMS! Because of the sacrifice, the obedience that He has required and asked of me, my rewards will be bountiful:)! How exciting-this new journey that I am on...to watch as my fairytale, my true romance, unfold throughout my life. I have proven that I will not settle for anything, ANYTHING less than His perfect best for me!:) He is my Kinsmen Redeemer:) Love to all:)!

Thank you!!

I don't know how many people really read this, I know that there are alot of people that read this, through facebook, etc...that never comment.  I believe that this blog reaches more people than I think.  I have recently learned that all one has to do is search my name and this link comes up.  Crazy!  One thing that I have always done through this blog is be as real as I possibly could.  I have shared every emotion as I have experienced them.  I have laughed and I have cried while writing many of these blogs, and you my friends, have shared in this with me.  You have been given permission to enter the very depths of my soul through these words.  You have prayed with me, for me, you have grieved with me, rejoiced with me, hoped with me, dreamed with me, and so much more.  So many things have happened over the past couple of years...alot of hurt, alot of pain, some joy, some laughter.  You guys have walked with me as I have struggled with anger, bitterness, and pain over my brother's circumstance.  You have all walked with me through love lost.  You have shared in my journey as I have questioned God, doubted Him, been angry with Him, felt rejected by Him, and so many more emotions.  But, you have also walked with me as I have learned to depend on Him like never before, as I have learned to dream His dreams for my life, as I have learned that He is a HUGE God, big enough to handle my anger, my bitterness, my pain, my rejection, my hurt.  

I sit here today, and as I read through my writings over the last two years, I am amazed at how far I've come.  I can still remember where I was as I was writing every single word on every single page.  I can still feel every emotion, every tear.  I can still remember exactly what I was thinking with every blog. God is amazing and I am so thankful that He has given me the gift of writing, that He has allowed me the ability to keep this journal of my life, so one day I can put all of this in my book. 
On another note, today, I am thankful that He is Sovereign.  I am thankful that He doesn't always answer prayers the way I want Him to.  I am thankful that a year ago, or even 6 months ago, I was praying that He would restore my relationship, the one I lost, but today-knowing what I know now, what I have learned over the past 4 days, I am so thankful that He didn't answer my prayer the way I wanted.  The man I once loved, is dead.  The man he is now, I don't know.  He is a living example of how Satan can deceive, and distorts the truth to the point where you really believe it, how he gets into your mind and twists your perceptions.   I loved this man with everything that I was, everything...but he lied, he was angry, he was hurt, and he never quite let God heal him...the cost was too high, the sacrifice to great, so he made choices, that have forever changed the course of both of our lives.  My heart is grieved, not so much for the love that was lost, the friendship that was lost, but more for the soul that is lost.  I can't pray for him, I have to cut all ties with him so that I can go on, it's too hard for me--so I ask you, my reader, to pray for him when you read this, as you think about him.  If you know his name, then call it out before the Lord God Almighty, if you don't, God knows his name.  I won't tell you what or even how to pray, let the Lord lead you, as He knows exactly what he needs.  Thank you.

This past week, since Easter Sunday, has been really hard for me---cutting all ties with him---but God knows exactly what I need, when I need it.  On Monday, God placed my name on the heart of a man I have never met-one of Shawn's really good friends in prison, and he interceded on my behalf throughout the day.  I wouldn't have made it without his prayers.  He had no idea why, but he obeyed the prompting of the Lord, and I will forever be grateful.  On Tuesday, I found a story that I had written in 2008, a love story, my love story.  God has me write my love story, what I wanted it to look like, what I wanted him to look like, be like, how I wanted it to all happen, etc...every detail.  I did, at the time thinking it was the stupidest thing ever.  When I found it on my computer, and read it, I bawled like a baby...God was reminding me exactly what He has promised for me.  He knew way back then, that I would be here and need to know that He has a great plan, an amazing husband for me.  Today, Wednesday, I got a facebook message from a dear friend, who said that while she was praying for me today, out of nowhere she was led to pray for my future mate to come!  What she thought was "strange," was exactly what I needed!  These people who had no idea what I was going through, where I was at in my life, followed the obedience of the Lord and helped to remind me that He is my Hero!:)  Thank you friends, and thank you God!  I have chosen to not walk in the pain, to not walk in the hurt.  I have chosen to lift my vision higher, to see what God has promised me, not on my circumstances.  I  CHOOSE! 

God has asked me to "marry" Him this year.  To me, this means to completely concentrate on Him, to have no hindrances, no other priorities then Him and Him alone.  I don't know what the rest of this year hold, I know that although it is just April, I feel like I have already lived a year:)!  I know that He has amazing things in store for me, for my family.  I know that He has shaken the very foundation on which I stand, and I am still standing:)!  I know that no matter what others think about me, what they say about me, the lies they tell, the deception they bring, I am a child of the Living King.  I have chosen to live right before Him, to obey Him with complete abandonment, no matter the cost! 

Thank you to all of you who have walked on this journey with me.  Thank you for your friendship, your support, and most importantly, your prayers!  I am not the same because of them!

On another side note: Thank you for your prayers for my family and for Shawn.  He has now been in jail for a little over a year. He hasn't seen his dog, his freedom, his friends, eaten real ice cream, and many other things in over a year now...yet, he has gotten to know the King of Kings in a brand new way, he is learning to depend on Him more than ever before and we believe that his release will be soon!

This is a song by Catherine Mullins called "Hero." Please take the time to listen to it. This song has been a life saver to me the past few days, and has reminded me that Jesus is just that to me, My Hero:)

Simple Obedience

I am learning that some people in my life, or that used to be in my life, do not understand obedience.  They do not understand what that really means.  It would look like I am just being stupid, ignorant. lazy, etc...because I do not have a job, I do not have a car, I am living with my sister, I am 32 years old, etc.  They measure happiness, they measure success based on "things," a house, a car, a relationship, a family, on what looks good, what looks fulfilling.  How many of these people are truly happy, even though they have those "things?"  They have decided that having those things right now is worth risking their very soul.  They don't understand the urgency of His coming.  They don't understand that there isn't time to play around and feed the flesh...the time is short!   What good is any of that if I have not listened to the Lord?  If I choose to have all those things, knowing that I am not in the very center of His will?  I am not saying that you can't have both, but for me, those things would require me to step out of His perfect will for my life, and that is something that I am not okay with.
This is what I do KNOW...I KNOW that God told me to move back to Waxahachie, I KNOW that He told me to be a part of FFI.  I know that the circumstances around that are not at all what I would have planned BUT I KNOW that I am exactly where God wants me.  I am learning to depend completely on Him!  Because of my obedience, although at times it has been neither swift nor severe, I have lost relationships and friendships simply because they did not understand my obedience...I can serve God anywhere, why would I stay in a place where I am alone, when I can go somewhere and have the things, or the love, that I want?  Because that isn't what God asked of me...I do believe that He would bless me wherever I was, that I would be happy...but I KNOW that I would always wonder, part of me would always regret...So, because of my obedience I have lost much, BUT I believe that I am gaining so much more.  I am learning myself in a new way.  I am learning my Father in a new way.  My obedience to Him allows Him to bless me more than I have ever dreamed!  Although, right now, the pain, hurt, rejection, etc. is sometimes more than I can bear, I keep my focus on the things that God has promised me.  I have to believe that there is no cost that is too great, no pain that will not be worth what He has in store for me.  I have to believe this, otherwise I don't think I could survive.
You just wait and see!  You watch what happens in my life, what God does in my life, the miracles that He will perform, the undeniable blessings from Him!  Knowing that He is smiling upon me is the greatest joy of my life!

I am Different!

A year ago I would not have responded to this situation the same.  I would have been more hurt, I would have taken every word they said to heart, I would have believed every word, no matter how false they were, I would have believed them.  BUT now, today, I am not the same.  I AM DIFFERENT!  I know who I am.  I know what God says about me, what His Word says about me.  I know and it's that I will choose to believe!  I know who God sees me to be, and although I am not perfect, I am a child of the Risen King!  His daughter, His heiress!
Many people do not understand my obedience.  They do not understand because they are only seeing with their physical eyes.  They only see what they see.  They see me jobless, carless, poor, living with my sister, etc.  But they don't know what I know...they don't see what I see.  They don't know the amazing promises that God has given me...some based solely on my simple, or not so simple, obedience.  They don't see what my future holds like I do.  They don't know about the sacrifices that I have made to be obedient.  They don't know that He has promised that if I just trust Him, He will give me above and beyond anything I could ever dream!  I am dreaming His dreams, and even though they may not be what I would have dreamed, or looked the way I would have thought---they are so much more!  I wish I could take you all into my soul, into my heart, so you could feel what I feel, so you could expoerience what I experience! 
Every sacrifice, every hurt, every pain will be for a greater purpose!  I can say this, I am SO greatful, so thankful that I serve a God who knows the future from the beginning.  That He knows what is best for me, more than I do.  I am so thankful that He knows what I need, who I need and that He doesn't always answer my prayers with the answers I want when praying them! 

Come Like the Rain!

Wow! I know that it has been a little bit since I have written in here, but I really haven't had a lot to say, and I was tired of writing the same old stuff, the same feelings, emotions, stories, etc, so I just stopped writing for a while. I AM BACK:)!

Let me tell you that God is amazing! I can't explain to you everything that has happened in my life the past couple of months, the past couple of weeks. Something is stirring up within me! No, my circumstances have not changed, in fact by the world's standards, you would say that they have gotten a little worse (no need for details). BUT, I know who my Source is!!! My future is amazing!
God has required alot from me.  He has asked me sacrifice, that at times seemed so great.  Everything within me wanted to make sure that I was really hearing God, because I didn't want it to be true.  My flesh, my heart, did not want to sacrfice what He was asking of me.  But my spirit, my soul, could not NOT do it.  I knew that He would not ask me to give something up that He would not give back in return 100 times greater than I could ever imagine! 
My mind is in a new place, my heart is in a new place.  Everything that happens in my life, I know is for a purpose.  I know that He has great things in store for me, a ministry that I haven't even tasted yet.  I know that there are young women out there that will be going through things that I have already gone through, and because of the wisdom gained through my own circumstances, I will be able to help them get to where I am, where I will be, quicker!  Praise Jesus!  I know that there are great things in store for me, for my future! 
There is a song that I have been listening to alot lately, and it is the cry of my heart, my soul!  I would like to share it with you.  No matter what my soul longs for Him!  My soul longs for who He is, for what He desires, nothing and noone else will do!  Come like the Rain, Lord Jesus!