Today...

Today is hard. I’m not gonna lie. One of the things that people say most when they are commenting on this blog is how they appreciate the “rawness” of my words. I don’t hide or cover up anything. I am real in my emotions, in my struggles, my doubts and my fears. I don’t know how to be any other way. I don’t know how to pretend that I am okay when I am not. I don’t know how to “sugarcoat” the things I face in my life.

So, once again I’m about to get real, to be raw. Today has been hard. In this "grieving" process, you have good days and bad days. The good days are when you feel like you are really going to be okay. You still hurt, but you see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know that you are going to make it. And then, on the bad days, you feel like your heart is ripped out of your chest over and over again; On the bad days, there’s a memory that lies in every picture you see, every place you visit, every song you hear, in every moment there’s a reminder of the broken dreams, the plans that will never happen, the future that will never be. You’re reminded of the love lost, the dream broken, the hurt, and the pain. Even though things weren’t always good, and sometimes words that were said were hurtful, today, on the “bad day,” all you can remember are the many things that aren’t going to happen…that he’s moved on and you are left alone to pick up the pieces of what is left of your life. You wonder if the memories sting his heart like they do yours. You wonder if he still thinks of you, or if once he realized things were over, he just pushed you aside like a distant memory. You wonder if you ever meant anything at all…you feel cheated, cheated on.

I don’t think I was prepared for all this…I wasn’t prepared to be “cheated on.” Now, to be fair, we were broken up, but then again we weren’t really. My heart was still his…I don’t blame him, I don’t hate him, at times, yes, I have fits of rage, but I don’t hate him. He wanted something that I wasn’t ready to give him…so he moved on. He is making plans with someone else, making memories with someone else….Honestly, today I want him to feel the pain that I feel, the hurt that I hurt, because then maybe, it would make me feel like I meant something, we meant something...but on the good days I just want him to be happy. I want him to be completely happy and more in love with Jesus than he has ever been. I want him to live out his every dream, on the good days....

I know that God has great things in store for me…I know that He has a love for me that I can’t imagine, I get all of that, and I know it in my spirit. It doesn’t change the fact that right now, in this moment, my heart breaks. That in this moment I mourn over the lost dreams, the memories that haunt me. None of my future changes my present. So, how do I make it through today? I don’t know. Actually, I do all that I know to do. I wrap myself up in the arms of Jesus. I share with Him my pain, my hurt, my brokeness, knowing that every tear I cry, He is catching in a bottle (more like a barrell) with my name on it. I listen to worship music, glorifying His name, reminding me that He is Good, that He is Just, that He is Faithful. Music that reminds me that He never lets me go, that never once has He left me alone. I listen as He talks to me through His Word and as He shares with me His plans, His dreams, His desires. That's how I make it through today, a "bad day." Today it feels like I am drowning, that I’m never going to be okay. But, I know that I will be. I know that tomorrow is a new day and that eventually my good days will come much more often than my bad ones. I know that one of these days, my heart won’t hurt so much. I know that God is teaching me much through all of this. I can’t live wondering where I went wrong, what decisions I made that I shouldn’t have, etc…what’s done is done and now I must move forward, learn what I need to, and keep walking. This year, this year of 2012, this year of “Above and Beyond,” of Open Gates, this year I will fall in love with Jesus again. This year I will allow Him to be everything that I have ever desired. This year I will begin and continue to dream His dreams. You watch and see, this year is MY year. This year, I have nothing but greatness in store for me! You watch and see!

Broken,

Andrea