Grieving.

Death. I haven’t had a lot of experience with this. My grandpa died when I was 10, there were 16 grandchildren, so we weren’t that close. I remember crying, being sad. My grandmother died two years ago, we were close. She was a Godly woman who spoke into my life many times. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for her prayers. When she died, I was devastated. She had been diagnosed with cancer and lived for 2 years, we believed every day for her earthly healing but she got a much better healing. I remember that funeral as if it were yesterday. I remember the faces of the people whose lives she touched, I remember the pink flowers, the pink trimmed casket, I remember the feeling of loss, the hurt, the kind words that were said, and all the tears that were shed in celebration of her life and for our loss. I truly grieved on this day, I mourned as a grandchild who had just lost a grandparent.
I have said all of this to say that within the past week, I feel like I have experienced death once again. This time it hits much deeper, it hurts much more. I have realized that the demise of this relationship, to me, feels like a death. It feels like I have lost something that was extremely close to me, a part of me died - the part that beats, the part that breathes. So, I am mourning, I am grieving. (Please don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to take away from the husband or wife who lost their spouse of 60 years, or even of 6 days…I know that this is not quite the same. However, don’t belittle my grief either.) In this 11/2-year relationship I made dreams, I made plans. My future was in this relationship, or at least I thought. Yes, we “broke up” a while back, but emotionally, we weren’t done, emotionally we never broke up. I am grieving. At times, I get so angry, because I’m hurt, because it doesn’t feel like he is mourning, because he “replaced” me, and so it feels like my life (our relationship) meant nothing to him-he “buried” me and then brought a date to the meal…what I didn’t realize is that everyone grieves in their own way and I can’t make someone grieve the way I think they should.
The question isn’t whether this relationship should have ever happened or not…it’s where do I go from here. Yes, it happened, yes, I loved him deeply, and yes, it's over. I know that I will never regret this relationship because of what I have and am learning. I gave him, rather we gave each other, a part of our lives, and as much as it hurts, I know that God has more in store for each of us. I wish him all the happiness in the whole world. I really do…even in my pain, even in my hurt; I want him happy, because I simply love him. Do I see how I will move on from this? No, but I know that I will. I know that my promises are too big, they are too great. God has promised me great things. So, you watch and see. Watch and see what happens in my life. Watch and see God fulfill His promises every day. Remember back in August, when I didn’t know how I was going to make it after Shawn’s sentencing? Well, I made it through that…I am making it through that…so I can and I will make it through this too. That’s a promise!