Have you even been in a room and you could feel the Glory of God? I mean, you were doing your devotion, praying, and all of a sudden you could feel Him? You could feel His presence, His Glory so strong that all you could do was weep? This is what happened to me today. I can't adequately explain it...I just KNOW that He was here, with me. We are in to day 23 of 2012, and I can say that I am completely different. You may not see it, but I KNOW it. At The Ramp, He changed me...completely changed me. I can't get enough of Him, of His Word. I think the hunger had been stirring for a while, but something shifted. I AM NOT THE SAME! Now, my circumstances are the same, I still don't have a job, I still live with my sister (but in a new house--thank you Jesus and FFI:)!), I still have bills piling up, my brother is still in prison, BUT my perspective has changed. Instead of dwelling on what I don't have, what isn't happening, I thank Him for the time that I have to spend in His presence without distraction, for the time that He has given me to write this blog, to start my books, to take pictures, to build this foundation with Him, so that when I do get that job and things begin to consume more of my time, that I will still MAKE time to spend with Him everyday. It isn't good enough to just say prayers in passing, "Dear Jesus, help me today, I love You. Amen." For me, I seek Him now. I mean I truly take time to just seek Him, ask Him what He wants to teach me today, show me today, talk to me about today. Everything has changed. I no longer go to a restaraunt because it's what I was in the mood for, rather I ask God where He wants me to go, who does He have for me to talk to? What steps has He ordained for me today. My hunger is different, I am not satisfied with just the crumbs or the leftovers anymore...I WANT HIM!
Does my heart still hurt? Of course. Do I still struggle with my doubts, fears, etc? Of Course. BUT My perspective has changed...I don't dwell on them, but I give them up to him and take my hands off (for the most part).
My prayer for those who don't know Jesus, or better yet, know Him but don't have a relationship with Him is that my life will be a testimony of how good God is. That you will see Him in Me. I pray that I will be Jesus with clothes on...that I will His hand extended. That people young and old alike will be drawn to the Jesus in me, they will want the hunger, the thrist that I have for His Glory.
My prayer for those who know Him in relationship is that you will be encouraged and challenged by my life. That the hunger that I have will rub off on you, that you will desire to know Him in a new way; That you will desire to seek Him more than ever before.
I just love Him!
Falling inlove with Jesus in a new way,
Andrea
Monday, January 23, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Today...
Today is hard. I’m not gonna lie. One of the things that people say most when they are commenting on this blog is how they appreciate the “rawness” of my words. I don’t hide or cover up anything. I am real in my emotions, in my struggles, my doubts and my fears. I don’t know how to be any other way. I don’t know how to pretend that I am okay when I am not. I don’t know how to “sugarcoat” the things I face in my life.
So, once again I’m about to get real, to be raw. Today has been hard. In this "grieving" process, you have good days and bad days. The good days are when you feel like you are really going to be okay. You still hurt, but you see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know that you are going to make it. And then, on the bad days, you feel like your heart is ripped out of your chest over and over again; On the bad days, there’s a memory that lies in every picture you see, every place you visit, every song you hear, in every moment there’s a reminder of the broken dreams, the plans that will never happen, the future that will never be. You’re reminded of the love lost, the dream broken, the hurt, and the pain. Even though things weren’t always good, and sometimes words that were said were hurtful, today, on the “bad day,” all you can remember are the many things that aren’t going to happen…that he’s moved on and you are left alone to pick up the pieces of what is left of your life. You wonder if the memories sting his heart like they do yours. You wonder if he still thinks of you, or if once he realized things were over, he just pushed you aside like a distant memory. You wonder if you ever meant anything at all…you feel cheated, cheated on.
I don’t think I was prepared for all this…I wasn’t prepared to be “cheated on.” Now, to be fair, we were broken up, but then again we weren’t really. My heart was still his…I don’t blame him, I don’t hate him, at times, yes, I have fits of rage, but I don’t hate him. He wanted something that I wasn’t ready to give him…so he moved on. He is making plans with someone else, making memories with someone else….Honestly, today I want him to feel the pain that I feel, the hurt that I hurt, because then maybe, it would make me feel like I meant something, we meant something...but on the good days I just want him to be happy. I want him to be completely happy and more in love with Jesus than he has ever been. I want him to live out his every dream, on the good days....
I know that God has great things in store for me…I know that He has a love for me that I can’t imagine, I get all of that, and I know it in my spirit. It doesn’t change the fact that right now, in this moment, my heart breaks. That in this moment I mourn over the lost dreams, the memories that haunt me. None of my future changes my present. So, how do I make it through today? I don’t know. Actually, I do all that I know to do. I wrap myself up in the arms of Jesus. I share with Him my pain, my hurt, my brokeness, knowing that every tear I cry, He is catching in a bottle (more like a barrell) with my name on it. I listen to worship music, glorifying His name, reminding me that He is Good, that He is Just, that He is Faithful. Music that reminds me that He never lets me go, that never once has He left me alone. I listen as He talks to me through His Word and as He shares with me His plans, His dreams, His desires. That's how I make it through today, a "bad day." Today it feels like I am drowning, that I’m never going to be okay. But, I know that I will be. I know that tomorrow is a new day and that eventually my good days will come much more often than my bad ones. I know that one of these days, my heart won’t hurt so much. I know that God is teaching me much through all of this. I can’t live wondering where I went wrong, what decisions I made that I shouldn’t have, etc…what’s done is done and now I must move forward, learn what I need to, and keep walking. This year, this year of 2012, this year of “Above and Beyond,” of Open Gates, this year I will fall in love with Jesus again. This year I will allow Him to be everything that I have ever desired. This year I will begin and continue to dream His dreams. You watch and see, this year is MY year. This year, I have nothing but greatness in store for me! You watch and see!
Broken,
Andrea
So, once again I’m about to get real, to be raw. Today has been hard. In this "grieving" process, you have good days and bad days. The good days are when you feel like you are really going to be okay. You still hurt, but you see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know that you are going to make it. And then, on the bad days, you feel like your heart is ripped out of your chest over and over again; On the bad days, there’s a memory that lies in every picture you see, every place you visit, every song you hear, in every moment there’s a reminder of the broken dreams, the plans that will never happen, the future that will never be. You’re reminded of the love lost, the dream broken, the hurt, and the pain. Even though things weren’t always good, and sometimes words that were said were hurtful, today, on the “bad day,” all you can remember are the many things that aren’t going to happen…that he’s moved on and you are left alone to pick up the pieces of what is left of your life. You wonder if the memories sting his heart like they do yours. You wonder if he still thinks of you, or if once he realized things were over, he just pushed you aside like a distant memory. You wonder if you ever meant anything at all…you feel cheated, cheated on.
I don’t think I was prepared for all this…I wasn’t prepared to be “cheated on.” Now, to be fair, we were broken up, but then again we weren’t really. My heart was still his…I don’t blame him, I don’t hate him, at times, yes, I have fits of rage, but I don’t hate him. He wanted something that I wasn’t ready to give him…so he moved on. He is making plans with someone else, making memories with someone else….Honestly, today I want him to feel the pain that I feel, the hurt that I hurt, because then maybe, it would make me feel like I meant something, we meant something...but on the good days I just want him to be happy. I want him to be completely happy and more in love with Jesus than he has ever been. I want him to live out his every dream, on the good days....
I know that God has great things in store for me…I know that He has a love for me that I can’t imagine, I get all of that, and I know it in my spirit. It doesn’t change the fact that right now, in this moment, my heart breaks. That in this moment I mourn over the lost dreams, the memories that haunt me. None of my future changes my present. So, how do I make it through today? I don’t know. Actually, I do all that I know to do. I wrap myself up in the arms of Jesus. I share with Him my pain, my hurt, my brokeness, knowing that every tear I cry, He is catching in a bottle (more like a barrell) with my name on it. I listen to worship music, glorifying His name, reminding me that He is Good, that He is Just, that He is Faithful. Music that reminds me that He never lets me go, that never once has He left me alone. I listen as He talks to me through His Word and as He shares with me His plans, His dreams, His desires. That's how I make it through today, a "bad day." Today it feels like I am drowning, that I’m never going to be okay. But, I know that I will be. I know that tomorrow is a new day and that eventually my good days will come much more often than my bad ones. I know that one of these days, my heart won’t hurt so much. I know that God is teaching me much through all of this. I can’t live wondering where I went wrong, what decisions I made that I shouldn’t have, etc…what’s done is done and now I must move forward, learn what I need to, and keep walking. This year, this year of 2012, this year of “Above and Beyond,” of Open Gates, this year I will fall in love with Jesus again. This year I will allow Him to be everything that I have ever desired. This year I will begin and continue to dream His dreams. You watch and see, this year is MY year. This year, I have nothing but greatness in store for me! You watch and see!
Broken,
Andrea
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Naked...
Naked. That's what I feel like. I feel like You have stripped me of everything, everything I have, everything I am, every friendship, every relationship, every part of me from the inside out, until I am left standing here completely naked. One of the definitions of naked is defenseless; unprotected; exposed. That's what I feel like. You have stripped every comfort, every dream, every desire from me. It's a feeling of vulnerability like nothing else. It's sometimes dark and cold. Most people would run for cover, find something to put on, hide behind, but for me, for me I choose to just stand here completely naked. I choose to not run for cover but look up and realize that You are my cover and You have never left. I choose to allow you to clothe Me with Your wardrobe. I choose to allow You to clothe me with Your dreams, Your desires, Your friendships, Your relationships, Your gifts, You. I will not hide.
The good thing about this, is the hard part is over, the stripping away is done, I have nothing left to give. So, now I will just stand here and allow You to replace the clothes I was wearing with the clothes that You pick for me. I will wear Your armor. I will be dressed in Your image, because it is You who is dressing me. I will let You dress me in your timing, at Your pace. I have done all that You have asked of me, so now I will just stand.
My prayer is that through this "stripping" of my clothes, of the things I was wearing that were not perfectly tailored for me, that You will shine. My hope is that the people who will read my story, those who have walked through this journey with me, those who feel as if they have suffered in this journey with me, and those who have simply observed, will see You and not me. They will see that it is not in my own strength, but Your strength that I overcome. They will see that the wardrobe You place on me fits much better than anything I could have chosen for myself. My prayer is that through this, You will recieve all the glory! I can not do this on my own. My prayer is that You will make me everything that You desire and that this will all be worth it! My prayer is that through this, my continuing story, that souls will come to know who You are, that they will see they aren't alone, that I have faced the things that I am facing because someone else will need a playbook. I know that I am walking this road because my calling is great and in Your dream for me lies the destinies of multiples!
The good thing about this, is the hard part is over, the stripping away is done, I have nothing left to give. So, now I will just stand here and allow You to replace the clothes I was wearing with the clothes that You pick for me. I will wear Your armor. I will be dressed in Your image, because it is You who is dressing me. I will let You dress me in your timing, at Your pace. I have done all that You have asked of me, so now I will just stand.
My prayer is that through this "stripping" of my clothes, of the things I was wearing that were not perfectly tailored for me, that You will shine. My hope is that the people who will read my story, those who have walked through this journey with me, those who feel as if they have suffered in this journey with me, and those who have simply observed, will see You and not me. They will see that it is not in my own strength, but Your strength that I overcome. They will see that the wardrobe You place on me fits much better than anything I could have chosen for myself. My prayer is that through this, You will recieve all the glory! I can not do this on my own. My prayer is that You will make me everything that You desire and that this will all be worth it! My prayer is that through this, my continuing story, that souls will come to know who You are, that they will see they aren't alone, that I have faced the things that I am facing because someone else will need a playbook. I know that I am walking this road because my calling is great and in Your dream for me lies the destinies of multiples!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Grieving.
Death. I haven’t had a lot of experience with this. My grandpa died when I was 10, there were 16 grandchildren, so we weren’t that close. I remember crying, being sad. My grandmother died two years ago, we were close. She was a Godly woman who spoke into my life many times. I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for her prayers. When she died, I was devastated. She had been diagnosed with cancer and lived for 2 years, we believed every day for her earthly healing but she got a much better healing. I remember that funeral as if it were yesterday. I remember the faces of the people whose lives she touched, I remember the pink flowers, the pink trimmed casket, I remember the feeling of loss, the hurt, the kind words that were said, and all the tears that were shed in celebration of her life and for our loss. I truly grieved on this day, I mourned as a grandchild who had just lost a grandparent.
I have said all of this to say that within the past week, I feel like I have experienced death once again. This time it hits much deeper, it hurts much more. I have realized that the demise of this relationship, to me, feels like a death. It feels like I have lost something that was extremely close to me, a part of me died - the part that beats, the part that breathes. So, I am mourning, I am grieving. (Please don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to take away from the husband or wife who lost their spouse of 60 years, or even of 6 days…I know that this is not quite the same. However, don’t belittle my grief either.) In this 11/2-year relationship I made dreams, I made plans. My future was in this relationship, or at least I thought. Yes, we “broke up” a while back, but emotionally, we weren’t done, emotionally we never broke up. I am grieving. At times, I get so angry, because I’m hurt, because it doesn’t feel like he is mourning, because he “replaced” me, and so it feels like my life (our relationship) meant nothing to him-he “buried” me and then brought a date to the meal…what I didn’t realize is that everyone grieves in their own way and I can’t make someone grieve the way I think they should.
The question isn’t whether this relationship should have ever happened or not…it’s where do I go from here. Yes, it happened, yes, I loved him deeply, and yes, it's over. I know that I will never regret this relationship because of what I have and am learning. I gave him, rather we gave each other, a part of our lives, and as much as it hurts, I know that God has more in store for each of us. I wish him all the happiness in the whole world. I really do…even in my pain, even in my hurt; I want him happy, because I simply love him. Do I see how I will move on from this? No, but I know that I will. I know that my promises are too big, they are too great. God has promised me great things. So, you watch and see. Watch and see what happens in my life. Watch and see God fulfill His promises every day. Remember back in August, when I didn’t know how I was going to make it after Shawn’s sentencing? Well, I made it through that…I am making it through that…so I can and I will make it through this too. That’s a promise!
I have said all of this to say that within the past week, I feel like I have experienced death once again. This time it hits much deeper, it hurts much more. I have realized that the demise of this relationship, to me, feels like a death. It feels like I have lost something that was extremely close to me, a part of me died - the part that beats, the part that breathes. So, I am mourning, I am grieving. (Please don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to take away from the husband or wife who lost their spouse of 60 years, or even of 6 days…I know that this is not quite the same. However, don’t belittle my grief either.) In this 11/2-year relationship I made dreams, I made plans. My future was in this relationship, or at least I thought. Yes, we “broke up” a while back, but emotionally, we weren’t done, emotionally we never broke up. I am grieving. At times, I get so angry, because I’m hurt, because it doesn’t feel like he is mourning, because he “replaced” me, and so it feels like my life (our relationship) meant nothing to him-he “buried” me and then brought a date to the meal…what I didn’t realize is that everyone grieves in their own way and I can’t make someone grieve the way I think they should.
The question isn’t whether this relationship should have ever happened or not…it’s where do I go from here. Yes, it happened, yes, I loved him deeply, and yes, it's over. I know that I will never regret this relationship because of what I have and am learning. I gave him, rather we gave each other, a part of our lives, and as much as it hurts, I know that God has more in store for each of us. I wish him all the happiness in the whole world. I really do…even in my pain, even in my hurt; I want him happy, because I simply love him. Do I see how I will move on from this? No, but I know that I will. I know that my promises are too big, they are too great. God has promised me great things. So, you watch and see. Watch and see what happens in my life. Watch and see God fulfill His promises every day. Remember back in August, when I didn’t know how I was going to make it after Shawn’s sentencing? Well, I made it through that…I am making it through that…so I can and I will make it through this too. That’s a promise!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Moving Forward...
I don’t know who all reads this, if anyone for that matter, but I don’t write these blogs for the benefit of anyone else but me. I am a writer. I am not always so eloquent in my speech, but God moves through my fingers as I write my thoughts on paper. He has gifted me with this and I believe that I haven’t even begun to see what He is going to do through my writing. I have many books to write. I have a book to write on dreams, and dreaming God’s dreams. I have books to write on marriage (not quite ready to write those yetJ), I may even have a few children’s books to write. But for now, this is where I right my inner most thoughts, my struggles, my hurts, my questions, my doubts, my dreams, my fears, my successes, my excitements, my joys, my journey. And if you so choose, you can share in each and every one of these moments. I can never express to you how much your attention means to me, how much I appreciate the time you take to read my blogs, sometimes my rants. It really does mean the world to me!
We are into day 11 of the New Year and God has been doing so much. I wish I could take the time to share everything that is in my heart, everything that the Lord has been talking to me about. I don’t have the time, nor do I feel like I can adequately express it here, right now. But, I will take a few minutes to share with you a few things:
I have already shared in an earlier blog about dreams. God dreams for me. He has dreams for me and He wants nothing more than watch me achieve them. HE DREAMS FOR ME, and because He dreams for me He is also the preserver of the dreams. I have to live out these dreams because the dreams He has for me are wrapped up into the dreams He has for someone else and so on. It isn’t an option for me to not live out His absolute best dreams for me…for me, I haven’t been given a choice.
Compassion: Let me talk a little bit about this. Ministry without compassion isn’t ministry. God’s heart is people. God loves people. He loves the hurting, the broken, and the vilest of people. How can we as a people of God live this life without compassion? Earthly empathy says, “Oh I am so sorry to hear that…” Compassion says, “I will do whatever I can to help you.” My prayer is that God would turn my heart into one of true compassion. I feel like if you have true compassion, then you will hold no judgment. It doesn’t seem like they can even be worn at the same time. This is a constant journey for me, one that I deal with everyday…I pray that God would give me His heart, that His heartbeat would be my heartbeat, that I would live in perfect rhythm with Him. EVERY DAY.I still don’t feel like I conveyed this well…but I tried
Do I still hurt? Of course. My heart is broken, I feel betrayed, but I know the One who heals. He is my best friend, the One who knows my deepest pain, and has been holding me through every tear. I know that I am learning and have learned so much already, and I know that this is just one more experience that has shaped me and prepared me for the dreams that God has for me. I loved hard and because of that, I have hurt hard. Would I have changed it? No, I don’t think so. Even in my hurt, I can see how much God loved me, how He protected me, how He is carrying me into a dream that I can’t even imagine. I know that He loves me more than anyone else ever will, and it’s through that love that I will discover everything He desires for meJ So, don’t worry about me…He has promised me that He will always be with me, and that He will heal me in His time, it will be quick, it has to be quick, because I can’t afford to waste time on my past…I have a future that is waiting for me, and I have to fulfill dreams so others can live out their destinies! I have so many options…so many ways in which I can go…I only want to go where He is leading. So, pray that as He leads I will KNOW. Pray that I will continue to stay in tune with Him so much so that I don’t even miss a beat, that I hear Him and I step exactly where He wants me to…not a moment too soon or too late. My past will not define me, I am moving forward.
Dreaming with Him,
Andrea
We are into day 11 of the New Year and God has been doing so much. I wish I could take the time to share everything that is in my heart, everything that the Lord has been talking to me about. I don’t have the time, nor do I feel like I can adequately express it here, right now. But, I will take a few minutes to share with you a few things:
I have already shared in an earlier blog about dreams. God dreams for me. He has dreams for me and He wants nothing more than watch me achieve them. HE DREAMS FOR ME, and because He dreams for me He is also the preserver of the dreams. I have to live out these dreams because the dreams He has for me are wrapped up into the dreams He has for someone else and so on. It isn’t an option for me to not live out His absolute best dreams for me…for me, I haven’t been given a choice.
Compassion: Let me talk a little bit about this. Ministry without compassion isn’t ministry. God’s heart is people. God loves people. He loves the hurting, the broken, and the vilest of people. How can we as a people of God live this life without compassion? Earthly empathy says, “Oh I am so sorry to hear that…” Compassion says, “I will do whatever I can to help you.” My prayer is that God would turn my heart into one of true compassion. I feel like if you have true compassion, then you will hold no judgment. It doesn’t seem like they can even be worn at the same time. This is a constant journey for me, one that I deal with everyday…I pray that God would give me His heart, that His heartbeat would be my heartbeat, that I would live in perfect rhythm with Him. EVERY DAY.I still don’t feel like I conveyed this well…but I tried
Do I still hurt? Of course. My heart is broken, I feel betrayed, but I know the One who heals. He is my best friend, the One who knows my deepest pain, and has been holding me through every tear. I know that I am learning and have learned so much already, and I know that this is just one more experience that has shaped me and prepared me for the dreams that God has for me. I loved hard and because of that, I have hurt hard. Would I have changed it? No, I don’t think so. Even in my hurt, I can see how much God loved me, how He protected me, how He is carrying me into a dream that I can’t even imagine. I know that He loves me more than anyone else ever will, and it’s through that love that I will discover everything He desires for meJ So, don’t worry about me…He has promised me that He will always be with me, and that He will heal me in His time, it will be quick, it has to be quick, because I can’t afford to waste time on my past…I have a future that is waiting for me, and I have to fulfill dreams so others can live out their destinies! I have so many options…so many ways in which I can go…I only want to go where He is leading. So, pray that as He leads I will KNOW. Pray that I will continue to stay in tune with Him so much so that I don’t even miss a beat, that I hear Him and I step exactly where He wants me to…not a moment too soon or too late. My past will not define me, I am moving forward.
Dreaming with Him,
Andrea
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Getting Back Up
2012 has started out with a bang…literally. I have felt for the past 7 days that I was Satan’s personal punching bag…that he was hitting any and every part of my life trying to knock me down. I should have been prepared; I had just come back from the Ramp, which completely changed my life. Satan was mad. He didn’t want me to go in the first place and then once I got there, he sure didn’t want my life to change the way it did, to get the revelations that I did. So, when I returned I got hit after hit, punch after punch. Some hurt worse than others, some cut deep. BUT I got up…I keep getting up. It hurts, and I don’t understand it. I don’t understand how you can really love someone and then just moments later turn your love to another…I don’t understand how that is even possible...I don't understand how you can be so close to spending your life with someone and then realize that you have absolutely no idea who they really are…yet it happens. It makes me question whether you really loved me at all. I know I was loved the best he knew how...but I deserve better than that, and honestly, so does he. I pray for him. I pray that God will do whatever it takes--and I mean that---to bring him to a place of unquenchable hunger, that he will truly see him, and that sight will consume him and change his life as he knows it...because that is what happened to me, and I will never be the same. I know now that I can't make anyone else hunger for what I hunger for...I can't make anyone else feel what I feel about Him, but I also can't be with someone who doesn't. I am so thankful that even though it hurts, that God loves me enough to do whatever is necessary to protect me...to draw me closer to Him and not allow me to settle for less than his best for me. I could have let it cripple me…a week ago it might have done just that…BUT I choose to get up. I choose to hold on to the promises that He has given me…the ones of my future. I have a great calling, a great anointing, that many do not and will not understand. With this calling, this anointing has come great sacrifice, great pain, but I KNOW that it will also come with GREAT blessing. He dreams for me…HE DREAMS FOR ME. So, I will cling to His dreams for me and try not to shed any more tears over MY lost dreams.God has been speaking to me everyday since I returned from the Ramp. I am still processing everything. I know that I am different. I know that He is stirring up great hunger in me that I have never known before. I know that He is placing in me a compassion for people that I have never wanted, or honestly ever desired to have. I know that I have a lot to say, He has placed in me a lot to say, and in His time and with His words, He will give me the platform to say them…
Until then, I'll keep dreaming with Him,
Andrea
Until then, I'll keep dreaming with Him,
Andrea
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Goodbye 2011 and Hello 2012!
Happy New Year! Can you believe it is 2012 already? It seems like it was just yesterday that we were welcoming in 2011! Wow, 2011…that’s a year I don’t want to repeat. I look back and it started so good…I was inlove for the first time in my life, I had my first “New Years kiss,” my brother was doing really well, he was home and safe. Everyone was healthy, everyone was full of expectations and hopes. I was making dreams for 2011…I was going to get married, get a job, move to Waxahachie, finally start living MY life, and living out MY dreams. And then April 7 happened. This is the day that my brother was arrested…the last time I would see him in street clothes, the last time he would see his apartment in Gilmer, TX. On this day, everything began to unravel. One by one, moment by moment, things felt like they were unraveling by every seam possible. July. We broke up sorta…things started falling apart…August 3rd. Things got worse…I look back on this day, I look back on the blogs I wrote around this time and I know that it is only for the love of Jesus that I made it through…Everything was so dark, I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t breath. How was life going to go on? How were we as a family going to survive? At that time, we didn’t know how we were going to make it through tomorrow, much less any major holiday, without Shawn around. I packed up the apartment that we had made for ourselves over the past year and a half, every memory, every piece of belonging that we had…I put them each and every one into a box, labeled them, and stored them; All the time, remembering the last time I placed my things in storage, it was 10 years before I ever saw any of it again…I cried, I laughed, I was full of emotion, as I packed up the past and the present, and looked toward an uncertain future. In October, my 2 dogs and I moved in with my sister and her 4 girls, leaving most of my stuff behind. Thankful that she opened up her home to me, knowing it wasn’t easy, and still isn’t at times. Shawn’s 30th b-day came, and went, as he was behind the prison doors. Thanksgiving came, and we all had much more to be Thankful for this year…the things we learned…just the fact that we were still breathing…knowing now, never to take one thing, one person, one smile, one hug, one touch, one word for granted. So thankful. Christmas came and went…my mom getting the absolute best Christmas present she could get---having a contact visit with Shawn, getting to touch him, hug him, for the first time in almost 9 months…and here we are, 2012. Breathing a huge sigh of relief that 2011 is over. Anticipating what 2012 has in store. This year is full of hope, of joy, of life. This year my life will change. This year I will not be the same. I still don't have a job, I still am behind, way behind, in my bills. My circumstances at the end of 2011 are still here in the beginning of 2012, BUT I know that 2012 will bring many answers, many promises fulfilled:)
On another note, I just got back from Winter Ramp Georgia. If you have never heard of the Ramp check it out at http://www.theramp.org/. This was the most amazing experience of my entire life. God completely rocked my world. It was this weekend that God really revealed to me that He dreams for me. He dreams for me! The dreams He dreams for me are so much bigger, so much greater than any I could dream for myself. I am a dreamer, so this is HUGE to me. I dream big dreams…in fact, I recently wrote a blog about dreaming. But God dreams for me. The dreams He has for me are tied into so many other destinies that if I don’t live out His dream for me, I am hindering His dream for others. I wish I could convey to you exactly what this has done for me, I wish you could all feel what I feel, see what I see, know what I know.
One question that God asked me was this, “If I had to wait a year to get this certain dream, if I had to wait a whole year, would I?” I weighed this question carefully…you see, most people would say yes and not really mean it…if you knew what this dream was…I am 32 years old, and I have been close to this dream only once in my life…and I was so close I could taste it…and then I lost it…so, waiting a whole year? I didn’t want to say yes if I knew there was a chance that I couldn’t, or rather wouldn’t. So, with tears pouring down my face, “The Dream Song” being played in the background, and as I was thinking about what my life would truly look like if I did wait, if I truly waitied for what He was promising me, I said, “yes!” Now, I know that it isn’t going to be easy, and He never said I would HAVE to wait a year, He just asked me if I would…He also didn’t say it wouldn’t be longer than a year either! I just know, for the first time in my life, that HE DREAMS FOR ME. He truly dreams for me, and because he dreams for me, He has the power to make every one of those dreams come true. I know that the dreams I was dreaming for myself were really good…so I can only imagine what He is dreaming for me. How fun is it to dream with Him?!!So, 2012, the year of open gates…the year of above and beyond…I say BRING IT ON! I have nothing else to lose, only to gain. Be on the lookout for me….this year, God is going to rock my world, and how fun, that you get to read about it happening, here on my blog! I am going to lose weight…God said so…because it will be the “Physical Representation of my Internal Transformation.” That’s from Jesus Himself! So Watch out!
Dreaming with Him,
Andrea
On another note, I just got back from Winter Ramp Georgia. If you have never heard of the Ramp check it out at http://www.theramp.org/. This was the most amazing experience of my entire life. God completely rocked my world. It was this weekend that God really revealed to me that He dreams for me. He dreams for me! The dreams He dreams for me are so much bigger, so much greater than any I could dream for myself. I am a dreamer, so this is HUGE to me. I dream big dreams…in fact, I recently wrote a blog about dreaming. But God dreams for me. The dreams He has for me are tied into so many other destinies that if I don’t live out His dream for me, I am hindering His dream for others. I wish I could convey to you exactly what this has done for me, I wish you could all feel what I feel, see what I see, know what I know.
One question that God asked me was this, “If I had to wait a year to get this certain dream, if I had to wait a whole year, would I?” I weighed this question carefully…you see, most people would say yes and not really mean it…if you knew what this dream was…I am 32 years old, and I have been close to this dream only once in my life…and I was so close I could taste it…and then I lost it…so, waiting a whole year? I didn’t want to say yes if I knew there was a chance that I couldn’t, or rather wouldn’t. So, with tears pouring down my face, “The Dream Song” being played in the background, and as I was thinking about what my life would truly look like if I did wait, if I truly waitied for what He was promising me, I said, “yes!” Now, I know that it isn’t going to be easy, and He never said I would HAVE to wait a year, He just asked me if I would…He also didn’t say it wouldn’t be longer than a year either! I just know, for the first time in my life, that HE DREAMS FOR ME. He truly dreams for me, and because he dreams for me, He has the power to make every one of those dreams come true. I know that the dreams I was dreaming for myself were really good…so I can only imagine what He is dreaming for me. How fun is it to dream with Him?!!So, 2012, the year of open gates…the year of above and beyond…I say BRING IT ON! I have nothing else to lose, only to gain. Be on the lookout for me….this year, God is going to rock my world, and how fun, that you get to read about it happening, here on my blog! I am going to lose weight…God said so…because it will be the “Physical Representation of my Internal Transformation.” That’s from Jesus Himself! So Watch out!
Dreaming with Him,
Andrea
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