CLOSURE: an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality.
Closure. What is it with our innate need for closure? For finality? For answers to questions that we may never get? I don’t have the answers to these questions, but I do have the need for closure, and I hate it. I hate having questions that I may never get answers to. I hate wondering if certain things that were said, were really truths or if they were all just lies. I hate it. However, as much as I want closure-answers to these questions and many more…I have come to the realization that I may never get it…from him, anyways. So, this blog—this is where I will finally get MY closure.
I could write on here all the “wrongs” that I feel he did to me. I could air all his dirty laundry, and make him out to be this horrible person…I could. BUT, I won’t. I choose to remember him the way he was when he was with me. I choose to remember the man I dreamt with, laughed with, and shared secrets with, the man I loved with every ounce of my being. I choose to remember this man. I CHOOSE. The closure I thought I needed was to know why, to get the truth to the questions I have. However, I have learned that the only closure I need, is the kind that God is giving me. The past is the past, I can’t go back, I can’t change it. I can learn from it and move forward. I choose to live with no regrets. Whatever happened between us is just that, between us. I know my truths. I know how much I loved him, I know how much he meant to me. No matter what should (or shouldn’t) have happened, could have happened, did happen…I KNOW that I loved him like I have loved no other. I CHOOSE to remember this.
I know that no matter what happened between him and I, I know that maybe the only thing I did do right was be exactly where God wanted me. I refused to give in to the temptations of my wants and my desires, what the world says I should do, and ONLY so exactly what God wanted me to. My desire for HIM was always so much stronger than my desire for anyone or anything else…and that may be something no one else will ever understand. He may never understand that.
I am moving on, I have moved on. To the dreams, the fairy tale that God is writing for me. I know that they are so much more amazing than even I can conceive. On my own, I cannot dream up His plans for my life, the things He is going to do in, through, and for me. How exciting is my future?! I think for the first time in a long time I am really excited about the possibilities of my life! I am not too old, I am not to “messed up,” or crazy! I am exactly where God wants me, striving to be everything that He needs and desires for me to be; living His life for me. From the beginning of time, He had a destiny for my life, and it is up to me to allow Him to fulfill that destiny in me! How many people can really say that they are living out His ultimate destiny for their life? How many people can honestly say that they are truly living to the absolute fullest, His destiny for their life? Well, I can, or at least I can say that I am trying! How fun and exciting!
Thank you for walking this journey with me. Thank you for believing in me enough to follow along in my struggles and my triumphs. Thank you for your prayers, your tears, your support, your love, your comments, and your love. They mean more than you know!
Dreaming His Dreams with Him,
Andrea
Friday, October 19, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
I KNOW:)
I love the Lord. If anything, I hope that the past two years worth of blogs, my love for the Lord has been more evident than anything else. I want nothing more than I want HIM. I want NOTHING MORE. My desire for Him, my desire to do His will, to be obedient to Him, to live out His dreams for my life, is stronger and beats harder than my desire for anything or anyone else.
I am learning that I am worth it. I am worth waiting for. I am worth His best for me. I deserve His best...not for any other reason than He wants to give His best to me. He loves me. How dare I keep Him from providing that blessing, that honor from me. To the world, my life doesn't look blessed...it doesn't look worth much, but oh how I am. No, I don't have a job or a car right now, and I live with my sister and four nieces...BUT the opportunities that this has provided for me has been more than I could ever have dreamed...the things that He is allowing me to do are humbling, and with a job I NEVER would be able to do these things. So, I know that although I don't understand it, I KNOW that I am exactly where God wants me, doing EXACTLY what He wants me to be doing for such a time as this. I have not gone hungry, I am not homeless, I am blessed. I know that He has and will continue to provide for my every need when I need them. I KNOW that He still has the perfect job for me in His perfect timing. Obedience to Him is so rewarding!
I have also learned that my past relationship, whatever it meant, has taught me what I want, what I deserve. I am a princess of the King. I am an heiress to the throne of the King of Kings and because of that, I deserve to be treated as just that. I deserve the man that He has for me, one who will love me with His love, one that will pursue me like He pursues me. A man who covers me, prays for me, supports me, and gets me. Not a man who uses my blessings as excuses to be less than He has called him to be. A man who is completley confident in His identity in Christ and I don't fill the hole, but rather fit into the puzzle of his life:)
He promised me that I would get to watch my fairytale unfold before my very eyes...so I will seek Him and do just that:)
Dreaming His Dreams,
Andrea
I am learning that I am worth it. I am worth waiting for. I am worth His best for me. I deserve His best...not for any other reason than He wants to give His best to me. He loves me. How dare I keep Him from providing that blessing, that honor from me. To the world, my life doesn't look blessed...it doesn't look worth much, but oh how I am. No, I don't have a job or a car right now, and I live with my sister and four nieces...BUT the opportunities that this has provided for me has been more than I could ever have dreamed...the things that He is allowing me to do are humbling, and with a job I NEVER would be able to do these things. So, I know that although I don't understand it, I KNOW that I am exactly where God wants me, doing EXACTLY what He wants me to be doing for such a time as this. I have not gone hungry, I am not homeless, I am blessed. I know that He has and will continue to provide for my every need when I need them. I KNOW that He still has the perfect job for me in His perfect timing. Obedience to Him is so rewarding!
I have also learned that my past relationship, whatever it meant, has taught me what I want, what I deserve. I am a princess of the King. I am an heiress to the throne of the King of Kings and because of that, I deserve to be treated as just that. I deserve the man that He has for me, one who will love me with His love, one that will pursue me like He pursues me. A man who covers me, prays for me, supports me, and gets me. Not a man who uses my blessings as excuses to be less than He has called him to be. A man who is completley confident in His identity in Christ and I don't fill the hole, but rather fit into the puzzle of his life:)
He promised me that I would get to watch my fairytale unfold before my very eyes...so I will seek Him and do just that:)
Dreaming His Dreams,
Andrea
Friday, October 5, 2012
My Future
To My Future Husband,
I prayed for you today. I prayed that you would be surrounded by a group of men that would not only be great friends, but they would be a support for you like the disciples were for Jesus. I prayed that they would hold you accountable, that you would not only be poured into by them, but that you would pour into them. I prayed that your anointing and your calling would be guarded. I prayed that you would be a man of strength, a man of integrity, a man of honor. I prayed that the Word would become real to you, that it would be LIFE. I prayed that the words you speak would bring life to those around you, that people would be drawn to you because of the power the Lord bestows on you. I prayed that a supernatural peace would wrap around you, that you would know there is nothing that is too big for God. I prayed that you would be a man who knows God’s voice more clearly than you know your own; that you would obey that voice with a swiftness and a severity that is uncommon. I prayed that even now you would be praying for me, that God would be teaching you how to cover me. I prayed that He would be preparing you to be the man, the husband, and the father that He is requiring you to be. I prayed that He would place money into your hands, that He would give you wisdom in your finances, and that He would bless everything that you touch. I prayed that you would want for nothing, that as quickly as He places money into your hands, you just as quickly give it back to Him. I prayed that He would give you handfuls on purpose. I prayed that He would give you favor in your career, your ministry, your finances, your family, and your life as you walk throughout each day. I prayed that you would have a massive faith to believe for the impossible things. I prayed that He would be the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing on your mind before you sleep. I prayed that He would give you dreams and visions about your future, about me, about the life He is calling you, us, to live. I prayed that He would place healing in you hands, that your voice would bring restoration to the broken, freedom to the bound, hope to the hopeless, and salvation to the lost. I prayed that every generational curse, every past failure, every past hurt, would be broken and that you would walk forward with a knowledge of who you are in Him. I prayed that you would be a man after the very heart of God. I prayed that when the day comes for us to finally meet, that we would both be so lost in Him that He has to point us towards each other. I prayed that we would be more consumed with pursuing Him instead of chasing each other. I prayed that your heart and your passion for worship would be greater than anything that I have ever dreamed. I prayed that you would walk in all the gifts of God, that spiritually, our DNA would be the same. I prayed that you would not only be aware of the prophetic, but that you would walk boldly in it. I prayed that your heart would beat in rhythm with His heart, that your lungs would breathe His breath, and that you would bleed His blood. I prayed that you would be so lost in Him that His identity is the only one you know. I prayed that you would be so consumed by the Lord that you would seek Him on how to pursue me, how to romance me, how to woo me. I prayed that I would become the woman that you need me to be. I prayed that I would be the wife that you have prayed for, that I would meet your every desire, every dream. I prayed that you would be so in tune with the voice of God, that I would have no problem trusting you, following your every move, submitting to your authority, because I KNOW that you are hearing from the Lord. This is what I prayed for you today. This is what I will pray for you every day.
Love,
Andrea
I prayed for you today. I prayed that you would be surrounded by a group of men that would not only be great friends, but they would be a support for you like the disciples were for Jesus. I prayed that they would hold you accountable, that you would not only be poured into by them, but that you would pour into them. I prayed that your anointing and your calling would be guarded. I prayed that you would be a man of strength, a man of integrity, a man of honor. I prayed that the Word would become real to you, that it would be LIFE. I prayed that the words you speak would bring life to those around you, that people would be drawn to you because of the power the Lord bestows on you. I prayed that a supernatural peace would wrap around you, that you would know there is nothing that is too big for God. I prayed that you would be a man who knows God’s voice more clearly than you know your own; that you would obey that voice with a swiftness and a severity that is uncommon. I prayed that even now you would be praying for me, that God would be teaching you how to cover me. I prayed that He would be preparing you to be the man, the husband, and the father that He is requiring you to be. I prayed that He would place money into your hands, that He would give you wisdom in your finances, and that He would bless everything that you touch. I prayed that you would want for nothing, that as quickly as He places money into your hands, you just as quickly give it back to Him. I prayed that He would give you handfuls on purpose. I prayed that He would give you favor in your career, your ministry, your finances, your family, and your life as you walk throughout each day. I prayed that you would have a massive faith to believe for the impossible things. I prayed that He would be the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing on your mind before you sleep. I prayed that He would give you dreams and visions about your future, about me, about the life He is calling you, us, to live. I prayed that He would place healing in you hands, that your voice would bring restoration to the broken, freedom to the bound, hope to the hopeless, and salvation to the lost. I prayed that every generational curse, every past failure, every past hurt, would be broken and that you would walk forward with a knowledge of who you are in Him. I prayed that you would be a man after the very heart of God. I prayed that when the day comes for us to finally meet, that we would both be so lost in Him that He has to point us towards each other. I prayed that we would be more consumed with pursuing Him instead of chasing each other. I prayed that your heart and your passion for worship would be greater than anything that I have ever dreamed. I prayed that you would walk in all the gifts of God, that spiritually, our DNA would be the same. I prayed that you would not only be aware of the prophetic, but that you would walk boldly in it. I prayed that your heart would beat in rhythm with His heart, that your lungs would breathe His breath, and that you would bleed His blood. I prayed that you would be so lost in Him that His identity is the only one you know. I prayed that you would be so consumed by the Lord that you would seek Him on how to pursue me, how to romance me, how to woo me. I prayed that I would become the woman that you need me to be. I prayed that I would be the wife that you have prayed for, that I would meet your every desire, every dream. I prayed that you would be so in tune with the voice of God, that I would have no problem trusting you, following your every move, submitting to your authority, because I KNOW that you are hearing from the Lord. This is what I prayed for you today. This is what I will pray for you every day.
Love,
Andrea
Monday, October 1, 2012
Sometimes
Sometimes life catches you by surprise. Sometimes you think you are doing really well, you have moved on the best way you can, you've been obedient, tried to do everything you can to just be ok, better than ok, learn and just move forward. And then before you know it, the one thing you've moved on from, the one thing that has been a constant reminder of who you were, what you had, what could have been, or shouldn't have been shows up on your doorstep. It's crazy, how in one instant, one look, everything comes flooding back...the love, the hurt, the pain, the laughter, the memories, the tears, everything, overtakes your mind and brings you right back into the moment as if it was all happening at the same time right then and there...that's what happened to me. Crazy. It's funny though, although I wasn't prepared, and although it brought up so many things, I'm ok. I'm better than ok. I am a survivor, and in that moment, in those brief moments I realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and the choices that I have made are the exact choices that God wanted me to make. I am so thankful that a long time ago my pastor spent a year teaching me how to hear the voice of God, and then another year on how to obey that same voice. I don't always obey it, but I always hear it...I am so thankful. It's hard for me to understand people that don't hear His voice. He wants so bad to talk to you, He wants so much for you to listen to Him. He's always talking, but we aren't always listening. He has a plan for our lives, but just as much as he has a plan, the enemy has just as big of plan for us. As much as God wants us to succeed, Satan wants us to fail. He wants us to make one bad choice that leads to another bad choice, that leads to another bad choice, etc. However, my God is so good, that no choice is to great for His grace, for His mercy. He is waiting for us to come back to Him, tell Him that we screwed up bad and then let Him bandage our wounds, pick us up, dust us off, and puts us on the right path again. Yes, there are consequences to our actions, but never is it to late...We have to seek Him, get in His Word, spend time with Him until His voice once again becomes louder than our own voice, or the voice of the enemy. HE IS STILL FAITHFUL! This may all sound random, but it's what was on my heart today:) I am thanful for His grace, for how far I have come, for His promises that He is still waiting to fulfill for me, and the dreams that He is still dreaming for me:) THANK YOU GOD!
Dreaming with Him,
Andrea
Dreaming with Him,
Andrea
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