Center of His Will

I’m in this place today, this place of retrospect, this place of looking over my life and seeing what I’ve learned, what I would change, mistakes I’ve made. So many things I would change, yet I wouldn’t change anything. Everything that I have been through, those things you may know about and the things that few know, they have made me who I am today. I look back and wonder how things would be different. I wonder I made different choices, if I’d be in a different place, a better place in my life than I am…I don’t know. I’ll never know. What I do know is that everything I’ve been through, every choice I have made, whether it be a good one or not, has led me to this place. On the “outside” it may look as if this place isn’t so good. I still don’t have a job, I don’t have a car, or a place to call my own, or a relationship. BUT, what I do have is peace. Peace knowing that I am in the very center of His will for my life. I am exactly where He wants me, and even though it’s really hard to understand, and getting to this “place” has caused a great deal of pain and heartache, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It has been hard, I’m not going to lie, very hard. I have lost much, I have given up much, I have sacrificed much, and at times I get so angry because I don’t see that the price has been worth it. All I have to hold on to are these promises that He’s given me. To me, that’s a lot. His promises for me are huge! He has a lot to come through with.


I wonder sometimes if I missed Him, if I’ve taken a wrong step, or a wrong turn. I wonder if I wasn’t listening close enough, or at all. Because surely His plan for me couldn’t include all this pain, all these tears?! But then He reminds me that He has always been right beside me, those times I wasn’t listening, He walked beside me, those times I took a wrong turn, He was there, those times when I screamed, I cried, I yelled, He was there. Those times when I curled up on my bed and just wept, He was right there. He has always been there. No matter where I was, what I was feeling, what mistake I made, He was always there, comforting me, cheering me on, picking me up, holding me, some times carrying me. Why? To get me here, to this place that I am right now. This is where He has wanted me. He is writing in me a story that is undeniably from Him. He is writing the story of Andrea Leigh Quinney; One of hope, strength, perseverance, and power. He is growing in me a character that is beyond myself. He is teaching me a faith and a trust in Him that is above anything this world could ever know. He is proving to me what true love really is. He is allowing me this time with Him that I will never take for granted, to love Him and Him alone. To have Him be the King of my love story, while He leads the way for my Prince to come is amazing.

So, while the world may say that I am not successful, that I am not doing what I need to do, I’m not persistent enough, or whatever. My God says that I am in the center of His will. I am doing exactly what He wants. It isn’t easy and at times I doubt everything, BUT He reminds me that He is leading me. It’s that Easy! I am so grateful for Him, so thankful for His grace and His mercy that is so evident in my life. Someday the details of this grace, this mercy, His Sovereignty will be recorded in my book, but until then you’ll just have to take my word for it;)



Dreaming His Dreams,

Andrea

What have I done?...

I'm sitting here in the library staring at this computer screen, thinking, "What in the world am I doing?  What have I done?"  I am supposed to be writing a paper, which was due yesterday.  I have been sick, and haven't felt like doing anything, especially writing a paper on psychology.  Today, my plan was to knock this paper out...boy, did I have myself fooled.  I have no idea what I am doing, and throughout the day, all the insecurities of my former self came back...what if I can't do this?  I have always been horrible at writing papers, at least I think so.  Yes, I can write, I am a writer, when I can write what I want, but you give me a topic, that I know absolutely nothing about and I get stuck.  What if I have gotten completely in over my head and I can't swim?!  What if I sink before I ever really get started?! I know that I can do this.  Shoot, I have already done it once before---and i succeeded!  I won't be able to do this on my own, but thankfully, I am not doing this on my own.  He is with me.  He will help me make it through this, just like everything else.  He will help me to think clearly, to be productive.  He will keep me calm in moments of panic.  I know that He is with me.  I will take this one day at a time, one assignment at a time, one page at a time, and I will succeed.  Part of this is probably because I feel like I have been hit my a bus, and then it backed up over me and hit me again!  So, I have communicated with the professor and hopefully I will get this paper done by tomorrow, just in time to start the next one:)! Sorry this is so short, but I have a paper to write!:)  Will update again soon, when I have more things to talk about, this schooling seems to be my life write now:)

Dreaming with Him,

Andrea

Happy Mother's Day

So I have begun a new journey.  This last week, I began the steps to get a Masters in Clinical Counseling/Psychology.  Yes, I already have a Masters in Elementary Education, so why another one?  Good question.  Until last week I wasn't quite sure either.  However, throughout the the orientation/registration process, as I was sitting through session after session, listening to professors, staff, faculty, etc. God really started talking to me.  It felt right, I began dreaming for what my future holds, and what doors this degree will open for me.  So, why not?  Now is the time.  I have no husband, no children, and right now no job, so I have more time now than I will in the future.  Now is the perfect time. 
God told me a long time ago that I was going to write books on marriage, do marriage seminars, etc.  I put these dreams on a shelf for a "later date" because I wasn't married, or anywhere close to it at the time.  But now, now I'm going back to school to fulfill God's plan for my life.  With this degree, I will have the educational experience to back up my books:)  I will have more credibility with my audience, my readers.  I know this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now, no matter how crazy I might feel at times, or how scary this step is for me, or how many "nightmares" I may have about failing, or taking on too much, or being unsuccessful, I know that I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to right now. 

On another note:  with tomorrow being Mother's Day, I want to take time in this blog to honor my mom.

What can I say about my mom? There aren’t enough, or even the right words that could express how much my mom means to me. I could tell you all kinds of stories about how she kissed a boo-boo, read to me, sang to me, prayed for me. I could tell you about how she, at times, embarrassed me, etc. I could tell you about the many times I got mad at her, or her at me. I could reflect on the last 32 years and tell you all sorts of things. Instead, I will tell you about the lady I now call my friend. I will tell you about how, over the last two years, I have seen a strength in her that I didn’t know she had. I have seen her depend on God in ways that she never has before. I will tell you about how she is my biggest fan, my greatest supporter. I will tell you about the times that she just listened to me cry, listened to me beat myself up over choices or decisions that I made, and not once telling me, “I told you so.” I will tell you about the many times that she has prayed with me, cried with me, laughed with me, felt pain with me, hurt with me. This is my mom. I am not a mom yet, but I pray that when that day comes I can become at least half of the mom that she has been to me. No, she isn’t perfect, she has never claimed to be, but she is the perfect mom for me. I am blessed. I am blessed that I have had a living example of the Proverbs 31 woman. I am blessed to not only be able to call her mom, but to call her friend. So, thank you mom. Thank you for the times when you just listened when I know you were dying to say something. Thank you for the times you just prayed for me and let me cry. Thank you for your support. Thank you for believing in me and my dreams…no matter how big or “outlandish” they may seem. Thank you for choosing to be my mom first and then my friend. I am sorry for the many times that I have taken you for granted, for not showing you or even telling you how much I love you. Thank you for every meal you cooked, for every hurt you kissed away, for every blanket you tucked in, for every tooth you “paid for,” for every prayer you prayed, for every tear you cried on my behalf. Thank you for showing me firsthand how to walk closely with the Lord; for showing me how to have a personal relationship with Him. Thank you for being my mom and now I am honored to call you my friend. I love you mom!! Happy Mother’s Day!!


Blessed,

Andrea

Pursuit

Pursue: to follow in order to overtake, to capture.


I have never really been pursued. I have never been “fought for.” The one relationship I have had, he didn’t really have to pursue me, and I was ready and waiting. He never had to fight for me, at times I feel like he didn’t fight when he should have, at times I feel like the sacrifice, the cost, that God was asking of him was too great, including me, the sacrifice he would have to make to be with me was too great. So, he didn’t fight…although I am sure that he would see things differently.

However, I know what pursuing something is like. I know what I want it to be like. I know that I want my future husband to pursue me with everything he is. I want him to fight for me, to want me to be a part of his life that nothing is too great; nothing is to hard; no cost is too high. Just like I want this from him, God wants, He desires this from me. So, I take that back…I have never been pursued by one of this world, fought for by one from this earth; however, I have been pursued by THE ONE who created this world, who created me. He has pursued me with every fiber of His being. When I walk away from him, when I reject him, He continues to pursue me because He loves me, because He wants me to be a part of his life so much that nothing is too great, nothing is too hard, no price is too high. In fact, He desires to pursue me so much that He gave up the life of His only Son. He fought for me. He pursued me. This feeling, knowing that someone loved me this much, that He has and will stop at nothing for me, overtakes me.

I want to pursue God, just as He pursues me. I want to overtake Him, to capture Him. To be so radically in love with Him, with His presence, that I cannot go one moment in my day without Him. I will pursue Him at any cost. His presence is everything to me. I want to set my heart on this one thing: that I can’t live without His presence. I want Him to be my passion. A passion with no compromise, that my heart will be set on one thing, and one thing alone. A pursuit of complete abandonment for Him, a passion for His presence. I can’t live without His presence, without His touch.

How is your pursuit of Him? Is there a cost, a price that is too high for you? He is pursuing you; will You allow Him to overtake You, to capture You? Are you willing to pursue Him in return? It’s a pursuit that I promise, you will never regret! There is nothing like it, nothing like Him.

Thankful for Revelations

So this morning, as I was having my prayer time, I had a revelation. I have been writing on this blog for a while now, I have shared my ups and downs, discouragements and disappointments, etc. Most recently, I have been sharing my emotions as I walk through the healing of a love lost.


You see, this love was my first love. I was almost 31 when we started talking, when we started dating. I had waited 30 years to find someone. So, when he came into my life, I just “knew” it was God. We fell in love quickly and I was smitten. He was everything I could have ever imagined. I look back now, and I realize that I was settling for a lot of things, because I loved him. Let me set one thing straight. He was a good man. He loved God, he loved me the best that he knew how. He was broken, he had a lot of things from his past that he never allowed God to heal, out of fear, ignorance, etc. Looking back, I see a lot of things that I didn’t see at the time. Okay, back to my point. We loved each other. This was a long distance relationship, so there were many surprise visits, many late night phone calls, texts, etc. I remember everything so vividly. All the plans, the dreams, the secrets we shared. I remember how he made me feel, how he loved me. This year of love was amazing. No, it wasn’t perfect, but I was in love. I didn’t care about anyone or anything else. He made me happy. Now remember, this is all through my eyes, as I recall. These are my truths. He has his own story, his own version of the truth, but this is my blog and it’s my story.

And then everything changed…

We started fighting all the time---distance was very hard. We fought about anything and everything. All of a sudden there wasn’t anything I could do to make him happy. He wanted me to move, he had these ideas, these things we had never talked about (or we just miscommunicated about) that he wanted to happen, and would get angry when they didn’t, or when I wouldn’t oblige. I still loved him, and I knew that love, that relationships were hard (through my observations), and I was determined to make it through this. We would get through this.

Honestly, when we met, my relationship with the Lord wasn’t what it should have been. I hadn't lost my salvation or anything like that, but I wasn’t seeking His face like I should have been. So, the person that he fell in love with wasn’t the person he was looking at in the end. I started seeking God more than ever before. I longed for Him and Him alone, and through this, I started changing. I started listening like never before. I knew that God wanted me exactly where I was, no matter what. He didn’t understand that, he didn’t like it. He wanted me to be right where he was. I knew that he was supposed to be where I was. We couldn’t, or we wouldn’t compromise. When I refused, he got angry.

Before I knew it, he had turned to another. He found someone who was willing to do what he asked, go where he wanted, etc. My heart was crushed. I mean, literally, it was broken into a million pieces. If you go back and read some of my blogs, you will see. I didn’t understand how someone who claimed to love me so much could just turn to another so quickly, as if what we had, who we were, didn’t even matter. I felt rejected, I felt like a fool. I felt like our entire relationship was a waste. I felt used. I never want to feel that way again.

I said all of this to say this: As I was praying today, I had a revelation. How many times do we make God feel this way? How many times do we turn our attention to another because He isn’t giving us what we want, what we asked for? When He doesn’t fit into the ideas that we had for our lives, when He breaks the promises that we made for Him? When our dreams, and our plans don’t happen, we get angry at him and we reject Him. How many times have we made Him feel rejected? How many times have we hurt Him? Yet, He has never rejected me. He has never hurt me. He has never turned His attention to someone else. He has never left me. Never Once!

I don't EVER want to make God feel what I have felt through the loss of this relationship.  At times, my heart is so broken that I can't breath.  At times, I don't know how I can even make it through the moment, much less the day.  I am immobilized at times.  My heart grieves for what I lost, what I could have had.  My heart grieves at the loss of dreams, of plans.  I don't ever want Him to feel rejected by me, used, torn, worthless.  I don't ever want to "cheat on" Him.  EVER! Today, I realized that if for nothing else, the loss of this relationship, has made me realize a little bit of what we do to Jesus.  It has made me realize that I never want to make God feel like this again.  I never want to be responsible for causing Him pain and hurt of this magnitude, or at all for that matter.  I never want to make His heart break, or tears fall, or pain.  EVER!  Even in my healing, I never want to forget what this moment, what this time, feels like, because I always want to never want to be the cause of making God feel like this.  He loves me, He gave His life for me, and for that I will spend every day of my life making sure that He is my sole purpose, my first love, my everything.  He will receive all of my attention! 

I am SO THANKFUL that He is God! I am so thankful that His love for me is unconditional. That no matter how many times I reject Him, I hurt Him, He still loves me. I am so thankful that He will never reject me. When I don’t always do what He wants, or go where He wants, He doesn’t leave me, He doesn’t turn to another. I am so thankful that He is showing me, is teaching me about real love, Godly love.

So, through this pain of an earthly relationship, I am discovering the joys of the Heavenly relationship I have with my Father. He is teaching me to talk to Him like I would talk to my ex, to dream with Him the way I dreamed with my ex, to share secrets, to trust Him. He will never reject me, He will never fall in love with another, He is mine and I am His.

I am hopeful for the future. I am hopeful that I will find an earthly love again one day, and I know that this time, it will be based on a heavenly love. I am not the same. He must seek My Father in order to find me. The End!