It's hard to love someone when everything they do, everything they say is mean, filled with hatred, disgust. You don't even know what you did to deserve it. How can one person be so completely filled with so much hatred, bitterness, anger, jealousy, and resentment? It's eating them up inside, it's got to be completley miserable to be them. I don't know how God does it, I guess that's why we're human and he's not. He can love unconditionally, without judgement. He forgives and forgets in an instant. We tend to remember, to hold on to the things that hurt us the most---I'm not really sure why. This is why I build walls---why i don't let people in. If they aren't close, they can't hurt you as much. If you don't let them in, they can't say things that can possibly destroy you. I know this isn't good, but it's my defense mechanism---you start getting to close and I start pushing.
I'm here. I'm here in a place where it's so confusing. I don't understand any of it, I don't like it. I have never been this ready to get out. To go be on my own, to live my life---yes, there are things that I will miss---my family for sure---but the time is coming, I am ready, FINALLY! I am at a place where I really think I can do this, I can go out on my own and not be afriad. Don't get me wrong-it's still scary, but I'm ready. God is taking me there, allowing certain things to happen so that I will want to go, and not feel like I'm being forced to:)
These are just random thoughts---no order...:)

Three Days

I know it's been a while. I've been really busy. There is so much going on here in my life, but I am so busy I barely have time to breath, let alone blog about it! Three days! There are only three days left until Spring Break. Maybe, just maybe during this break i will be able to catch up on all my blogging. Along with that book I need to write, those pictures I need to take, etc. Spring Break isn't really a break, it's just a relief to be alone. To have some peace and quiet, get back to loving my name:) "Ms. Quinney...! I have never been more annoyed with the sound of my name, than I have been in the last few weeks. Ha! Well, I hope you can all hold on for a few more days:)

Again....

Here I am. This place that is so familiar, this place that I have been so many times before, yet each time it is more intense, more desperate, more needed. I need to know what my next move should be. I only want to do what you want for me. I can only do what you want me to do...this place where I am desperate for an answer, for answers. All of these feelings, these emotions. Yes, I know that God is always faithful, that he has a plan, that all things work together for the good of those that serve Him, I know that I can hear His voice, that I have a calling on my life, that His ways are greater than mine...I get all of this, but it doesn't make it any easier. It doesn't tell me where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do and how I'm supposed to do it. It doesn't help calm my insides, it doesn't help bring clarity to this mind I have. I have all of these things that I know, and all of these things that I want and right now, they don't neccessarily all match up.
I never thought that my life would be here...that this is where I would be...in this place...for this reason. I need answers...desperately! Direction. I do what I know to do...I read Your Word...I seek Your face...yet, how can I know that it is you speaking to me? I know how to hear Your voice, but right now, through this, I can't trust myself in knowing that it is you or just simply wanting it to be you. How do I get back to the place where I know that it is your voice that I hear? How do I get there? Is it just time...is that what it takes? Is it just waiting for things to pass, to get clearer, to end before I am confident in my spiritual self again?
How did I get here? One day I am strong and confident in my ability to hear your voice and the next my entire world gets shattered, shaken from underneath me, completely to the core, and everything that I know is tested. Everything I have ever been taught about who You are is in question. It's like all of a sudden I am asking you, almost daring you to prove yourself this time. "YOu've done all this, but can you fix this? Can you really get me, get us, through this? And here you are...day by day...proving yourself faithful...yet, I don't trust myself to hear your voice yet.....What do I do now....

Here it is...

So I have been photo tagged!! I haven't been on this blog thing for very long, yet here I am getting tagged already:)! I don't really like "tags" but this is a photo tag so it's fun:) So here it is...This is my niece Zoe in March of '08. She was outside playing so I thought it would be fun to have a little photo shoot with her:) I love this picture, it is one of my favorites of her

So... anyone who reads my blog, but hasn't played yet, you're it! Go to your pictures file, go to the 4th file in your pictures file and post the 4th picture in that file. No editing, just post as is. Can't wait to see your pictures!! :)

I am...

This is who I am. I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a sister, a sister-in-law, an aunt, a friend, a teacher, a follower of Christ, a world changer, a writer, a photographer, a failure and a succeeder, broken and whole, humble yet proud, a follower yet a leader. A worshipper. This is where I find my strength. In my worship I can go where noone else can take me. I go to a place where my world as I know it doesn't exist. I go into the throne room of the Lord God Almighty where nothing else matters but who He is. My problems, my worries, my stresses, my fears, they all disappear next to Him. When i can't sleep I pop in my ipod, play my favorite worship song and enter into a realm that is like no other. Worshipping is so much more than just singing some words set to music; it is realizing who Jesus is, what He did. It's about letting go of everything I need, everything I want and just being greatful for who He is. He is the reason i sing. He is the reason that I will take those pictures and write those books. In my worship, my life makes sense.

Trying this out

This blogging thing has apparently become quite the thing to do, so I thought I would try it out:) I already have some blogs on myspace and xanga, but thought I'd try this blog spot thing out too. i don't know if this will work, or if anyone will be interested in knowing the in and outs of my life, but its for fun. I have alot of things to say and alot of people I am sure would rather I write them down, and they can read when they have the time:) This is part of my passion---writing. I have always been able to talk with my fingers better than with my mouth. Here is where I will start to write those books God wants me to write, post the pictures He wants me to take. Here is where I will begin this journey that He is asking me to start. So, stay with me as I listen closely to His leading and work out this process here:) Until next time....