It’s been 6 months since I have written a blog…I guess you could say I got busy…no excuse. I guess I went through a dry season…not necessarily a bad one, just different. Now that I have a job, an apartment, I am learning to balance my time, and this blog just didn’t make the priority list. Maybe it should have; this is what I love. I love to write. I do that better than I do most other things. It’s hard for me, to say what I feel, what I am experiencing, what I am going through with my mouth…it’s much easier to write it down. It is delivered much more clearly that way.
At the beginning of January, God sent me on a journey that was unexpected, but much needed. He began to do things in me that I wasn’t prepared for. He started dealing with some deep seeded things in me, from my past, that I felt I had already dealt with…and I believe that I did, but just like an onion, there are layers. So in this new layer, I went to this amazing, prophetic, counselor who walked me through a process of healing, restoration, forgiveness, and identity. She was a God-sent! Through this process, I took a break from some ministry things that I was involved in. This was a welcomed break, I must say. Through this journey, this one of healing and independence, I have learned so much about myself, and about God.
Independence—how exhilarating it has been! I live on my own now; I have no roommate (unless you want to count my sweet Daschund ‘Adee’). At times, I get lonely—rather I miss the noise…I lived with my sister and 4 nieces for a couple of years—but, this has been a great experience for me. When I decided to live alone, I did so because I felt I needed to. I needed to get to know myself, my style, the things I loved and the things I didn’t; before I got married and had to live withsomeone else for the rest of my life. It has been amazing. I have made my apartment a home. It is still a work in progress, but it is mine:)
Dreams—one thing that God has done through this journey has been a reminding of dreams. There are some dreams that He has given me that I forgot about, rather my heart became sick with a hope deferred. I wasn’t seeing it happen, them happen. From the outside looking in, you would think that they were happening. I had my dream car, my dream job, and my dream of living on my own, etc. Everything seemed to be unfolding right before me…but there were still…dreams of a ministry, dreams of a family, dreams…my heart was sick… “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12(NIV)... “Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around. (MSG). When was it going to turn around for me? When was I going to get that ‘good break?’ I felt like it was winter, there were no blooms on my tree, the leaves were gone, and the branches were bare and falling off the tree. I didn’t know what to do.
Through this process of counseling, independence, healing…God began to stir within my spirit those dreams once again…I know that I will get that family that I have so desperately wanted…I know that I will get to be a mom someday. But this dream of ministry…this dream of living out my purpose, the destiny of what He has called me to…I will get that to. There are some aspects of my life, of my dreams, that have been kept close, safe, and private. Maybe because they seem to be much bigger than I, they seem to almost be impossible for ‘little ole me’ to ever achieve. But if I have learned anything through this season, I have learned that He who is in me is greater…If my dreams aren’t big enough to ‘scare’ me, then they aren’t big enough. God’s dream for me is muchbigger than I could ever dream on my own. It is coming. He has restored them into my heart. He has given me the joy to hope again. I can see it, I can taste it, and I can almost touch it. I am going to change the world. He is going to change the world through me. I have a voice. He has given me words to speak and for a long time I have been intimidated, by others around me who seemed stronger, my insecurities, etc…but when the time is right, I will speak them.
You can read throughout this blog about the journey that God has taken my family on throughout the past 6 years…starting in October of 2008. A journey that has been the hardest things we have ever gone through…but through this journey, one that we are still walking, we have become different people. We have become, I hope, more like Him. Loving people that maybe before we would have cast aside. Welcoming people that maybe before were easy to judge. I have this increasing love for an entire community that I never thought twice about before; these men and women who are currently spending their lives behind 4 walls because of the power that Satan had over their lives. I have a burden for thiscommunity whose hurts, rejections, and brokenness have made them turn to a lifestyle of homosexuality. 6 years ago, this group of people would have never been on my radar. But now, my heart breaks, my heart grieves for both of these groups. I don’t know what God has in store, how this will tie into the dreams that He has already placed in my heart, but I know I have a voice.
I know this has been a random blog, but that’s how my mind is working right now. I feel a change coming. I don’t know, but I think it may be a lot of changes…location, physical, spiritual, etc. It’s fun, it’s exciting, and it’s time!
Once again Dreaming His Dreams,
Drea
