"Oh God, may I pursue You as fiercely as You pursue me..."
This is my prayer, my heart's desire. He chases me. He pursues me. No matter what I've done, where I've been, what I will do, or where I will go, He constantly and fiercely pursues me. Oh I want to do the same...no matter where He leads me, what He asks me to do; even He if never answers another prayer, pours out another blessing, I want to fiercely pursue Him. I will fiercely pursue Him. He is all that I need. He is my everything, and He is more than enough! I can not be anything, go anywhere, without Him! Trust me, I've tried. I looked in other directions, placed my pursuit towards other things, other people, and I was never as satisfied as I am in this moment...pursuing Him.
My life will never be the same...the last couple of years have been hard...I have hurt, felt pain, disappointment, sadness, anger, etc; not only with Tracy, but with my own situation; my brother's situation, all of it...BUT, if I have learned one thing (I have learned alot, but if I had to only pick one) it would be the true knowledge that HE IS ENOUGH! He is enough...just realizing this has been worth every bit of pain and hurt that I have faced...every bit of it.
My prayer is that He is proud of me. Proud of the choices that I have made, the changes He sees in me, the desires of my heart, my passion...I want those things to reflect Him. I want to please Him in everything I do, everything I say, in my every action, my every thought, my every motive, my every intent. I want to be able to say, "follow me, as I follow Christ." That I am living my life in such a way that my mere walk leads them to the One who fiercely pursues them!
As you can see, God has been doing so much in my life...He has been revealing to me some of His plan for my life that I didn't know before...He is calling, has called, me to be a "prayer missionary"--to travel the world and pray, fight in the spirit, war in the heavenlies...how humbling this is...Lord, keep me humble...
Living out His Dreams,
Andrea
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Enjoying the Singleness
I wrote this blog back in 2006, and not alot has changed. As most of you know, I had a relationship, a real one, and we spent one Valentines Day together---although neither one of us had any money, so even though we were "inlove," I don't count it. So I hope you enjoy reading this blog:)
"Enjoying the Singleness:)It's Valentines Day and we all know what that means:) Flowers, candy, chocolate, and so much more, what is it they say? "Love is in the air." In my 33 years of life, I can say that I have had a Valentine only once, and he was broke so the flowers I recieved, I got about a week later (his payday). We didn't go out on a date, I didn't get the box of chocolates, or the 'celebration' of our love; so looking back, I choose to not count it as a Valentine...he was my boyfriend and I his girlfriend, but there wasn't really a Valentine.
Anytime I ever got flowers or candy it was from my dad, or my brother (cause I have a really thoughtful one:)) I go through stages where I think, "Why me?" "When is it going to be my turn?" "When am I going to get my Valentine?" Every year I think "next year, next year I will have a Valentine" and that never happens. You know what though? I am okay with it. I love being single. I love my life. I love who I am. Yes, there are times when I get lonely, times when I want someone to share my life with, but I know that in God's perfect timing, He will bring him to me, but until then I must rest in the arms of Jesus.
Being single isn't a curse, it is a blessing, a gift. There are things that I can do with my life that I couldn't do if I were attached. I have more time. I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want without having to ask someone for permission, or consider them when making decisions, life altering decisions.
So, I will enjoy my time and when the time comes for me to have my Valentine, I will look back and be thankful for the time that I have had to myself....to get to know me:)
So, to all my single friends---Enjoy every moment that you have to get to know yourself, to get to spend with yourself. They will be gone before you know it:)
To my married friends---Enjoy your spouse, don't take them for granted, appreciate them, give thanks for them, love them---know just how lucky you are--that you have been given the opportunity to share your life. your moments, with someone else:)"
Now, I wrote this blog 7 years ago---now, I have had a relationship with a man that I loved with my whole heart, and he shattered it into a million pieces. I have learned that just having a "Valentine" isn't worth it, if he isn't the right Valentine. I don't want someone just so I can get flowers and chocolates. I don't want a relationship just to have one. I loved him, but knowing what I know now, I wouldn't do it over again. I wouldn't give my heart away so easily, so carelessly. I would rather be single for the rest of my life, then to be "in a relationship" with the wrong person. I have learned alot:)
Love to all and Happy Valentines Day!!:)
"Enjoying the Singleness:)It's Valentines Day and we all know what that means:) Flowers, candy, chocolate, and so much more, what is it they say? "Love is in the air." In my 33 years of life, I can say that I have had a Valentine only once, and he was broke so the flowers I recieved, I got about a week later (his payday). We didn't go out on a date, I didn't get the box of chocolates, or the 'celebration' of our love; so looking back, I choose to not count it as a Valentine...he was my boyfriend and I his girlfriend, but there wasn't really a Valentine.
Anytime I ever got flowers or candy it was from my dad, or my brother (cause I have a really thoughtful one:)) I go through stages where I think, "Why me?" "When is it going to be my turn?" "When am I going to get my Valentine?" Every year I think "next year, next year I will have a Valentine" and that never happens. You know what though? I am okay with it. I love being single. I love my life. I love who I am. Yes, there are times when I get lonely, times when I want someone to share my life with, but I know that in God's perfect timing, He will bring him to me, but until then I must rest in the arms of Jesus.
Being single isn't a curse, it is a blessing, a gift. There are things that I can do with my life that I couldn't do if I were attached. I have more time. I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want without having to ask someone for permission, or consider them when making decisions, life altering decisions.
So, I will enjoy my time and when the time comes for me to have my Valentine, I will look back and be thankful for the time that I have had to myself....to get to know me:)
So, to all my single friends---Enjoy every moment that you have to get to know yourself, to get to spend with yourself. They will be gone before you know it:)
To my married friends---Enjoy your spouse, don't take them for granted, appreciate them, give thanks for them, love them---know just how lucky you are--that you have been given the opportunity to share your life. your moments, with someone else:)"
Now, I wrote this blog 7 years ago---now, I have had a relationship with a man that I loved with my whole heart, and he shattered it into a million pieces. I have learned that just having a "Valentine" isn't worth it, if he isn't the right Valentine. I don't want someone just so I can get flowers and chocolates. I don't want a relationship just to have one. I loved him, but knowing what I know now, I wouldn't do it over again. I wouldn't give my heart away so easily, so carelessly. I would rather be single for the rest of my life, then to be "in a relationship" with the wrong person. I have learned alot:)
Love to all and Happy Valentines Day!!:)
Monday, February 4, 2013
Saved By Grace and other random thoughts
I had an epiphany this weekend...In 2002, I graduated from SAGU with a BS in Cross-cultural missions. I have never really understood exactly why. I sometimes questioned, wondering if I made a mistake, if I was just naive and didn't know what I was doing at the time. I always knew that I would never be a "typical" missionary that would itinerate and live in a foreign place for years at a time...I knew that was something that I was never called to do...but I wasn't quite sure what I was doing. I graduated and then had no idea what to do next...so I went back to school and graduated in 2004 with a Masters in Elementary Education. Through all this, I didn't really understand where the "missions" part would fit in. Now, I did get my first teaching job, with the help of my missions degree, because it was in the 'ghetto' and I was a white girl from the country...so, they thought because of my Bachelors, I would know what I was doing:) Teaching, it's what I love. I realize that now, more than ever, as I have gotten back into the classroom in recent days. Saturday night, at church prayer, God revealed to me part of His exact plan for my life. It wasn't this huge emotional moment that lasted for hours, or even minutes for that matter, but it stirred something in my heart, answered this question I have had since that day in 2002, and for me, solidified a part of my destiny:) My church is Freedom Fellowship International---when we voted on changing our name, we added International, prophetically. At the time, we were not ready to do anything internationally, or even knew what that was going to mean. Now, we have come to a healthy place...and place where we are now ready. I will be going to Boston at the end of this month to help kick off a church plant. This summer, my church will be going to Alaska to help a pastor there...to do some heavy spiritual warfare praying, etc. God called me to be a missionary...a person who goes from place to place and helps bring freedom, release strong holds, pray with, teach, minister to people, churches, and nations. This is what he has called me to be, and teaching...while it is a mission field in and of itself, it will also provide the funding that I need to take these trips. FFI will be the conduit in which I get to these places. HE AMAZES ME. While this will not be the only thing I do in life, it will be a main focus:) Oh how 2013 has already been amazing! His grace is astounding, His calling is humbling, His mercy is overwhelming, His love is fulfilling.
Lord, may I be all that you have called me to be. May I carry your Name with all the honor it deserves. May I walk in your mercy and bestow your grace as eloquently as you have bestowed it on me. May I fulfill my destiny completely and fully for Your Name!--Amen
Lord, may I be all that you have called me to be. May I carry your Name with all the honor it deserves. May I walk in your mercy and bestow your grace as eloquently as you have bestowed it on me. May I fulfill my destiny completely and fully for Your Name!--Amen
MY BROTHER IS COMING HOME! I am sure that there are some of you who doubt this---especially if you know the whole story...if you know what the law says, what man says. Man says he has to serve at least 10 years of his 20 year sentence before he is even eligible for parole...including good behavior. The law says that him getting out ANY sooner than that is completely impossible. Man says that we are foolish, deceiving ourselves, for even believing such. However, what the law doesn't know is that My God is bigger. My God does not lie, He can not lie. My God says that Shawn is coming home SOON...and by soon, I mean any day now...God says my brother will be home by Easter 2013!! That's 7 weeks and 6 days, folks! 55 days! GET READY! Signs, Wonders, and Miracles!!! My brother is coming home!!:) NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD! Do you really believe that? Do you believe He can parted a sea and an entire nation walked across on DRY GROUND? Do you believe that He raised people from the dead? Not only Lazurus, but His Son, the One that we base our entire salvation, life, on? If you really believe these things, if you really believe what the Bible says, then you HAVE to believe that the God of the Universe can make a way for my brother to just walk out of a prison that should hold him for 10 years! That's nothing to Him...it is NATURALLY SUPERNATURAL for this to happen! After all, He Is GOD!!!:)
God still amazes me. As I was looking into changing my blog setup, changing the layout,etc, I noticed a font called "saved by grace." It caught my attention. Saved by Grace. The definition of grace is unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. How many times in my life have I truly been saved by grace? I'm not just talking about my salvation...I'm talking about circumstances, situations, that have happened in my life. How many times have I truly been saved by grace? Thinking back over the past couple of years, I can think of quite of quite a few times that I was saved by grace; I am sure there were many times when I wasn't even aware of His grace working in my life.
Last thing: Yesterday, during worship at church, I just began to think about God's grace in my life. Funny, the songs we sang weren't even referencing 'grace' so to speak. I was taken back to situation after situation where His grace spared me from what could have been disastrous for me. I was in a relationship for 2 years, and looking back, I see how His grace was all over my life at that time. I am so thankful for His grace. His grace that covers all my sins, His grace that softens the blows, or consequences, for my actions that are not sometimes pleasing to Him. I am thankful for the grace that He bestows upon me every SINGLE moment of my life. My prayer is that I can extend this same grace to those in my life who make mistakes. Thank you God for your grace in my life! Thank you for everything that You are and everything that You have done, are doing, and will continue to do in my life!:)
Dreaming with Him,
Andrea
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Perspective
Perspective...that's an interesting word, even more interesting is its definition...the facts known to one.
Facts known to one...FACTS...truths as one sees them, TRUTHS...
Perspective is a choice. How I choose to view things, is a choice. I have learned this well. I could look at my life from many different perspectives. I could see it through the eyes of my family (who all have their own perspectives), from my friends, from acquaintances, even from those who don't know me. I could see all the things I don't have, or I could see all the things I do. I could look at my brother's situation and see hopelessness, failure, rejection, disappointment, and a "lost cause." OR I could choose to see what God has done...that Shawn would not be where he is today (spiritually speaking) without going to prison. I could CHOOSE to see that he is not the same, he is stronger, wiser, and he's for sure spending eternity with the Lord. I could look at my relationship with Tracy and see failure, pain, rejection, mistakes, disobedience, hurt, etc. OR I could see it as good, but knowing that there is something BETTER. It's the perspective that you see.
When Jesus died on the cross, I am sure that there were people who felt hopeless...this promise of a savior and yet all they saw was death, pain, a dying man. But, what if there was one who saw a chance for redemption, a dying man who would rise as a SAVIOR to the world? Perspective.
Yes, I don't have a job. I don't have a car. I don't have a place of my own. There are a lot of things I DON'T have, but the way I see it...God has a lot of room to show off:) He has alot of room to work miracles, to blow my mind, to fulfill promises, to knock my socks off, and to receive all the glory through every detail!!:)
My challenge to you is maybe you need to CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE:)
Dreaming His Dreams,
Andrea
Facts known to one...FACTS...truths as one sees them, TRUTHS...
Perspective is a choice. How I choose to view things, is a choice. I have learned this well. I could look at my life from many different perspectives. I could see it through the eyes of my family (who all have their own perspectives), from my friends, from acquaintances, even from those who don't know me. I could see all the things I don't have, or I could see all the things I do. I could look at my brother's situation and see hopelessness, failure, rejection, disappointment, and a "lost cause." OR I could choose to see what God has done...that Shawn would not be where he is today (spiritually speaking) without going to prison. I could CHOOSE to see that he is not the same, he is stronger, wiser, and he's for sure spending eternity with the Lord. I could look at my relationship with Tracy and see failure, pain, rejection, mistakes, disobedience, hurt, etc. OR I could see it as good, but knowing that there is something BETTER. It's the perspective that you see.
When Jesus died on the cross, I am sure that there were people who felt hopeless...this promise of a savior and yet all they saw was death, pain, a dying man. But, what if there was one who saw a chance for redemption, a dying man who would rise as a SAVIOR to the world? Perspective.
Yes, I don't have a job. I don't have a car. I don't have a place of my own. There are a lot of things I DON'T have, but the way I see it...God has a lot of room to show off:) He has alot of room to work miracles, to blow my mind, to fulfill promises, to knock my socks off, and to receive all the glory through every detail!!:)
My challenge to you is maybe you need to CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE:)
Dreaming His Dreams,
Andrea
Friday, January 11, 2013
Blessings...
Blessings...it may look like I don't have alot. It may seem that way, from your perspective. From your perspective, you have many blessings, many 'possessions.' Change your perspective. What I have is not temporal. What I have is peace that passes all understanding, everlasting joy, promise for a future, hope unending. I have an intimate relationship with the Great I Am. My name has been written down in the Lamb's Book of Life and my future is secure! My sins have been forgiven, my past forgotten, and my future bright!
So, while to you, it looks like I am not blessed-right now, I have no job, car, home of my own-that is farthest from the truth. I am more blessed in this moment than I have ever been my entire life! While your 'blessings' will fade away, mine will last for eternity!
Thank you God, that I am blessed beyond comprehension; that my eyes are not on what is seen, but what is not!:) you are my life!
So, while to you, it looks like I am not blessed-right now, I have no job, car, home of my own-that is farthest from the truth. I am more blessed in this moment than I have ever been my entire life! While your 'blessings' will fade away, mine will last for eternity!
Thank you God, that I am blessed beyond comprehension; that my eyes are not on what is seen, but what is not!:) you are my life!
Thursday, January 3, 2013
It's personal...
Here I am, writing again. This blog, over the past couple of years, has been an outlet. Here is where I have shed tears, shared my pain, frustration, and confusion. This is where I expressed my anger at God when everything happened with Shawn; Where I expressed my hurts, my sorrows; This is where I wrote about finally finding love and where I wrote, with tears falling down my face, about losing that same love, grieving for it. This is where my hopes, dreams, fears and failures found a home. This is where I open my heart and share everything that I'm feeling with no regard to what others will think. This is where I am human. I pray that it encourages, strengthens, and gives hope to those who read. I hope that it inspires you to press forward in your own lives, in your own struggles, in your own pain, to find the hope that lies ahead, the joy that comes with the morning. This has been my release.
So here, today, I come once again to express my deepest thoughts.
2012: there were some things, some personal things that I closed out in 2012, that I "put a period on." Things that I refused to take into 2013 with me, so I closed them. What I realized through this was, for me, healing. If you have been a reader of mine for a while, you have walked through the greatest heartbreak I have ever experienced. You have seen, through my eyes, a love lost, a heart broken, a choice made. It's funny, I have really learned (I always knew, but learning first hand is something completely different) the effect that people's choices have on one another. You see, Tracy made a choice to leave Waxahachie, to go back to Austin. I believe he made the wrong choice. I believe that this is where God wanted him, and absolutely not because of me. I believe that even if Tracy and I were not together, that this is where he wanted him. God had things He wanted to teach him, places He wanted him to go, people He wanted him to impact, to minister to. God left the choice up to him. It's almost like those books I used to read as a young girl, the adventure ones where you got to choose the ending...if you chose A, this happened, if you chose B, this would happen, and so on. God gave him a choice, doing everything He could to show him exactly what the "right" choice was...Tracy chose option B. That ONE choice, led to another choice, that led to another choice, that now has him living a life that I know he would never have planned for himself. A life that isn't what God had chosen for him either. He never had the strength, the passion for God, to make the tough choice; to choose the harder of the two. He chose the "easy way out" as one would say...and is now seeing the repercussions of those choices.
I also made a choice. I chose to stay. When I couldn't hear anything else, I heard "Be Still." When everyone around me was telling me what they thought I should do, what they thought my next move should be, all I heard was "be still." When the very love of my life believed that the only choice I wasn't making was him, I heard "be still.". He didn't understand. He believed that I was just rejecting him, that I wasn't choosing him, oh how wrong he was...I was just doing the ONLY thing I knew to do, the ONLY thing that I was hearing...I was "being still." I tried to make him understand, but the more i tried, the more angry he got. My heart would break over and over again at the thought of him thinking I didn't want him, that I didn't want to be with him. I loved him more than anything in the world. I loved him with every fiber of my being, my every breath, but I loved God more. Everything was so uncertain, everything, even my relationship with him...but the one thing I was hearing more clearly than anything else was "Be still." So, that is exactly what I did...as I watched the one person I loved most dearly, and everything else that I had, get stripped away from me. I made a choice. The difference between the two is that I can sit here today as I type, once again with tears streaming down my face, that I don't regret my choice. I chose to "Be still." God didn't ask me to "be still" alone...He never asked me to "be still" without Tracy, He just asked me to "be still." Tracy chose to walk away from me, He chose to not trust me enough to "be still" with me. He chose...and so did I.
All of this to say that I realized I still held some anger, some resentment, some hurt, and feelings of rejection towards Tracy. It wasn't what it was by any means, but it was more than I wanted in my life. What's done is done. The choices that we made have been made, and we are both living out the blessings and consequences of each choice separately, we can't go back, I won't go back. I once heard that falling in love with someone, giving them your heart, is giving them the power to hurt you more than anyone else on the planet. How true that statement is. I loved Tracy more than anything, and he was the one person who had the "power" to hurt me more than anyone else; And that he did...whether it be intentional or not. My flesh wanted him to feel at least a little bit of the pain, the hurt, the rejection that he made me feel. I wanted him to be alone. I wanted him to acknowledge that he hurt me, that he chose someone else over me, that he broke my heart, that he made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. But I didn't get any of that-he moved on with his happy little life and premade family and I got to be alone.
That last day of 2012, December 31, I sat on the floor in my room and just cried. I cried because I had been hurt, and cried because I had allowed that hurt to turn into something that never should have been. So, I laid, face down humbling myself before the Lord, and I cried, I wept. I repented to the Lord for holding on to such pain, for not allowing Him to heal the little parts that I was still holding onto; and I prayed for Tracy. I prayed that God would bless him, that He would pour out blessings on him in such a way that he can not deny it came from the Lord. I prayed that we both would only remember the good times, the times we laughed, the times we were happy. I prayed that when he thinks of me and when I think of him, that this is how we would remember "us." Who we were in the beginning. The "us" that laughed together, prayed together, dreamed together. The "us" we were before all the junk, before those choices were made. I want to and I want him to remember this "us."
In that moment, I prayed that all the hurtful words, the pain, the sorrow, and the grief would be buried, and only the good would remain. That when I think of him or when he thinks of me, that this is how we would remember "us." I loved him and I know that at one time he loved me...that I will be forever grateful. There was a time when he made me laugh, most of the time at his expense, but I still laughed;) He taught me that I was lovable, that I was beautiful, that the very things I disliked about myself, were the very things that he fell in love with. I choose to remember these things...and I pray that he chooses the same. It's in this moment that I truly, with my very heart and soul, forgave him.
I can not speak for him, but I do not regret my choice to "Be still." Trust me when I say it was not an easy choice, it wasn't. Maybe it should have been, but for me it was the hardest choice I've ever made, the hardest one I ever hope I have to make. Through this choice, I learned that God is enough for me; That even in the midst of what felt like a tsunami, He was enough. He will never leave or forsake me. He loves me more than any one person will. He has big dreams for me. He has a husband, a family, a ministry for me that I can't even imagine...all rewards of just "being still."
I thank God for revelations. I thank Him for loving me enough to not allow me to stay the same. I am thankful that His love for me never changes, that He never rejects me, turns His back on me, lies to me, or hurts me. I am thankful that His best is what I yearn for. I'm so thankful that I am not the same!
Dreaming His Dreams,
Blue
So here, today, I come once again to express my deepest thoughts.
2012: there were some things, some personal things that I closed out in 2012, that I "put a period on." Things that I refused to take into 2013 with me, so I closed them. What I realized through this was, for me, healing. If you have been a reader of mine for a while, you have walked through the greatest heartbreak I have ever experienced. You have seen, through my eyes, a love lost, a heart broken, a choice made. It's funny, I have really learned (I always knew, but learning first hand is something completely different) the effect that people's choices have on one another. You see, Tracy made a choice to leave Waxahachie, to go back to Austin. I believe he made the wrong choice. I believe that this is where God wanted him, and absolutely not because of me. I believe that even if Tracy and I were not together, that this is where he wanted him. God had things He wanted to teach him, places He wanted him to go, people He wanted him to impact, to minister to. God left the choice up to him. It's almost like those books I used to read as a young girl, the adventure ones where you got to choose the ending...if you chose A, this happened, if you chose B, this would happen, and so on. God gave him a choice, doing everything He could to show him exactly what the "right" choice was...Tracy chose option B. That ONE choice, led to another choice, that led to another choice, that now has him living a life that I know he would never have planned for himself. A life that isn't what God had chosen for him either. He never had the strength, the passion for God, to make the tough choice; to choose the harder of the two. He chose the "easy way out" as one would say...and is now seeing the repercussions of those choices.
I also made a choice. I chose to stay. When I couldn't hear anything else, I heard "Be Still." When everyone around me was telling me what they thought I should do, what they thought my next move should be, all I heard was "be still." When the very love of my life believed that the only choice I wasn't making was him, I heard "be still.". He didn't understand. He believed that I was just rejecting him, that I wasn't choosing him, oh how wrong he was...I was just doing the ONLY thing I knew to do, the ONLY thing that I was hearing...I was "being still." I tried to make him understand, but the more i tried, the more angry he got. My heart would break over and over again at the thought of him thinking I didn't want him, that I didn't want to be with him. I loved him more than anything in the world. I loved him with every fiber of my being, my every breath, but I loved God more. Everything was so uncertain, everything, even my relationship with him...but the one thing I was hearing more clearly than anything else was "Be still." So, that is exactly what I did...as I watched the one person I loved most dearly, and everything else that I had, get stripped away from me. I made a choice. The difference between the two is that I can sit here today as I type, once again with tears streaming down my face, that I don't regret my choice. I chose to "Be still." God didn't ask me to "be still" alone...He never asked me to "be still" without Tracy, He just asked me to "be still." Tracy chose to walk away from me, He chose to not trust me enough to "be still" with me. He chose...and so did I.
All of this to say that I realized I still held some anger, some resentment, some hurt, and feelings of rejection towards Tracy. It wasn't what it was by any means, but it was more than I wanted in my life. What's done is done. The choices that we made have been made, and we are both living out the blessings and consequences of each choice separately, we can't go back, I won't go back. I once heard that falling in love with someone, giving them your heart, is giving them the power to hurt you more than anyone else on the planet. How true that statement is. I loved Tracy more than anything, and he was the one person who had the "power" to hurt me more than anyone else; And that he did...whether it be intentional or not. My flesh wanted him to feel at least a little bit of the pain, the hurt, the rejection that he made me feel. I wanted him to be alone. I wanted him to acknowledge that he hurt me, that he chose someone else over me, that he broke my heart, that he made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. But I didn't get any of that-he moved on with his happy little life and premade family and I got to be alone.
That last day of 2012, December 31, I sat on the floor in my room and just cried. I cried because I had been hurt, and cried because I had allowed that hurt to turn into something that never should have been. So, I laid, face down humbling myself before the Lord, and I cried, I wept. I repented to the Lord for holding on to such pain, for not allowing Him to heal the little parts that I was still holding onto; and I prayed for Tracy. I prayed that God would bless him, that He would pour out blessings on him in such a way that he can not deny it came from the Lord. I prayed that we both would only remember the good times, the times we laughed, the times we were happy. I prayed that when he thinks of me and when I think of him, that this is how we would remember "us." Who we were in the beginning. The "us" that laughed together, prayed together, dreamed together. The "us" we were before all the junk, before those choices were made. I want to and I want him to remember this "us."
In that moment, I prayed that all the hurtful words, the pain, the sorrow, and the grief would be buried, and only the good would remain. That when I think of him or when he thinks of me, that this is how we would remember "us." I loved him and I know that at one time he loved me...that I will be forever grateful. There was a time when he made me laugh, most of the time at his expense, but I still laughed;) He taught me that I was lovable, that I was beautiful, that the very things I disliked about myself, were the very things that he fell in love with. I choose to remember these things...and I pray that he chooses the same. It's in this moment that I truly, with my very heart and soul, forgave him.
I can not speak for him, but I do not regret my choice to "Be still." Trust me when I say it was not an easy choice, it wasn't. Maybe it should have been, but for me it was the hardest choice I've ever made, the hardest one I ever hope I have to make. Through this choice, I learned that God is enough for me; That even in the midst of what felt like a tsunami, He was enough. He will never leave or forsake me. He loves me more than any one person will. He has big dreams for me. He has a husband, a family, a ministry for me that I can't even imagine...all rewards of just "being still."
I thank God for revelations. I thank Him for loving me enough to not allow me to stay the same. I am thankful that His love for me never changes, that He never rejects me, turns His back on me, lies to me, or hurts me. I am thankful that His best is what I yearn for. I'm so thankful that I am not the same!
Dreaming His Dreams,
Blue
Monday, December 31, 2012
I declare!
Today is the last day of 2012. Wow! This year has been full of so much...heartbreak, pain, frustration, tears, confusion, doubt, love, joy, happiness, hope, God...This year I have learned so much, about myself, about God, about my future, about love--what is truly is and is not...2012 is not at all what I expected it to be, but it was everything that it needed to be. Now, 2013 is going to be amazing! It is going to be full of God's favor in my life. This year He will provide for me a car, a job, a home of my own, new friendships, and maybe even a new love. This year will see the miraculous, orchestrated only by God, supernatural release of my brother from prison. This year will see many dreams ans hopes come into fruition. This year will see a supernatural provision for my entire family, my sister, brother, parents, and myself. I declare that the year 2013 will be a year of salvation for my lost family members and a new level for those who know Him already. This year will see the release of books, starting of businesses. This year we will see the glory of God in our lives and in our church like never before. This year will be a year of blessing and favor. This year, the year of "rebellion and satan" (what the number 13 represents), we will see the complete opposite of that---a year of complete and total humility and submission to the Lord Jesus Christ and a year full of His power, His grace, His mercy, His faithfulness, His love, His provision, His Spirit, His peace, and so much more! This year, I will experience Him in a new way, on a new level. This year, He will activate the "above and beyond" in my life, while I learn to "Just Breathe" and trust Him.
This year is going to be amazing!!! Are you ready?!?!?!?
This year is going to be amazing!!! Are you ready?!?!?!?
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