Only YOU!

Why am I so afraid? Why am I so afraid of confrontation? Why am I so concerned with what people think? How did I get here? Why didn't I realize this sooner? How do I change it? How do I fix this? Why do I feel this innate need to make everyone around me happy, and sometimes dismiss my own? I HATE it...I want to change it? I have come so far...been through so much, just to let what other people think affect me like this?! God, please break this off of me...I only want what you think to matter...I hear your voice, I know your voice. I know what you tell me, and I know where you are leading me....even when noone else understands it, when maybe noone else agrees with it...I KNOW! I have to go with that, I have to trust that within my self. I have to! Who my friends are, where I live, who I am or am not in a relationship with, who I choose to marry, spend my time with, all of those things shouldn't matter to anyone but You. I need to be trusted, whether I make a mistake or not, I need to be trusted. I am an adult, I am a grown-up. I strive for nothing more than YOUR will for my life...and whether anyone else thinks it is "right" or not, shouldn't matter. Help me to continue learning how to completely concern myself with what only YOU think! PLEASE!

Real Quick

It's been a month since I last posted on this blog. My life has been so busy over the last few weeks that I simply didn't have the time to post anything! So many things that God is doing. I wish I had the time and the words to share, to explain everything He is doing...in my life, my church, my world. I am learning so much. I am learning to lean on God for everything, I mean EVERYTHING! I am learning to go to Him first, to listen to Him only. I have friends that He has placed in my life, yes, but He is the one I turn to. My friends, although they have my best interest at heart, or what they think is my best interest, sometimes comes across as judgement, or just plain nosiness. But, I am learning that God is my final say...that I hear His voice and I listen to Him and everyone else must just trust me to do what He says. I have come to far to turn back now:)!
I still don't have a job, I still don't know what tomorrow holds, but I do know that He is my source! Not man, but God! I know that He has a plan and a purpose for me and I will strive to follow Him everyday with everything that I am. Watch what He unfolds in my life! This has been a short blog, but sweet, very sweet:) I will write again soon!

Moving Forward,

Andrea

He is Good.

There are alot of songs in the past few years that have talked about the goodness of God. Recently, a song titled, "You Are Good" has become a favorite. The lyrics are:

I want to scream it out

From every mountain top

Your goodness knows no bounds

Your goodness never stops

Your mercy follows me

Your kindness fills my life

Your Love amazes me

I sing because You are good

And I dance because You are good

And I shout because You are good

You are good to me to me

Nothing and no one comes
Anywhere close to You

The earth and oceans deep

Only reflect this truth

And in my darkest night

You shine as bright as day

Your Love amazes me

With a cry of praise my heart will proclaim

You are good You are good

In the Sun or rain my life celebrates

You are good You are good.

Did you read that last line? "In the Sun OR rain, my life celebrates. YOU ARE GOOD. I looked up the definition of "good" and this is what I found:

Good=morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious; satisfactory in quality, quantity; being of high quality; excellent; right; proper; fit.

God is GOOD. He is excellent. No matter where I, or you, may be at in this journey of life, He is GOOD. SO GOOD. No matter what troubles I face, no matter what bills are piling up, no matter where my brother is, or what my circumstances look like, He is GOOD. My soul, my spirit, cries out His goodness. I want my life to be a testimony of God's goodness. I thank Him for being so good to me. It is His nature to be good to me. It is His desire. He is Good. I don't think I can say it enough! I used to think that being called "good" wasn't a strong enough word, it needed to be "awesome," or "great," but now, being "good" is perfect. It's more than enough. It carries it's own strength. God is Good.
So, the next time you look at your life and feel that you have been neglected, or your heart hurts, or you aren't where you thought you would be in this life...take a minute to remember that God has been GOOD to you. He is good! Sing a sing of His goodness, or hey, for those "brave" ones out there--dance because He is good! God is so good!

Relishing in His Goodness,

Andrea

11 months

It's already February 1. Can you believe it? Only 11 months left in 2012! Crazy when you think about it. January wasn't what I expected, but it was exactly what God wanted. In January, I started to learn that hurting is ok, and He is the Healer of broken hearts, broken dreams. I started to learn to trust Him with everything...everything inside and out...my hurts, my fears, my brokeness, my doubts, everything. I am learning that He is true to His Word. I am learning that His Word really applies to me, He meant everything He said, and He meant it for me. I am learning to look forward instead of backwards. I am learning that His grace is suffucient and His mercies are new every morning! I still don't have a job, but I don't worry about it anymore. I KNOW that I have done everything that He has asked of me. I have been obedient in everything and so now, He MUST follow through with His promises!
I do want to make this clear...my blogs the past few months have been full of hurt, pain, and at times anger, BUT the things I've been through, the relationship I had, I don't regret. I loved him with everything I was. I don't hate him, I don't despise him, most of the time I don't even hurt anymore. What does hurt is some of the choices he is making, I only want God's absolute best for him and I'm not sure he is striving for that. I don't understand alot of the things that happened, alot of the choices that were made, but I do know that I loved him. We both made mistakes, we both learned, we both felt hurt and pain. I believe that God will turn this all into good. This relationship will be a chapter in my book, a good chapter. He was my first love and I won't ever forget him because of that. I will pray for him everyday and wish him all the happiness in the world!
Now back to me:) There are so many things that I want God to do this year, so many things, but more than anything I want Him to do what He wants. I want Him to dream His dreams for me. Next January, I want to be able to look back at the past year and stand in awe-struck wonder at what He has done in me and for me. He has asked that I "marry Him" this year. This is harder than it sounds. I want someone with skin on, but I want Him more. He has promised so many things to me and I will do whatever He asks of me. If anything, He knows now that I will obey Him no matter what the cost. He has promised, that like Abraham and Isaac, I have sacrificed much, but my blessings will be much; not only do I have this amazing, anointed, incredible husband preparing himself for me, I have a calling, an anointing, books to write, dreams to dream, and fairytales to watch unfold! It is exciting, the things He is getting ready to release to me:) Although the pain is, was, great; the blessings HAVE to be greater! I'm so ready to live out the next 11 months!

Dreaming His Dreams,

Andrea

His Presence

Have you even been in a room and you could feel the Glory of God? I mean, you were doing your devotion, praying, and all of a sudden you could feel Him? You could feel His presence, His Glory so strong that all you could do was weep? This is what happened to me today. I can't adequately explain it...I just KNOW that He was here, with me. We are in to day 23 of 2012, and I can say that I am completely different. You may not see it, but I KNOW it. At The Ramp, He changed me...completely changed me. I can't get enough of Him, of His Word. I think the hunger had been stirring for a while, but something shifted. I AM NOT THE SAME! Now, my circumstances are the same, I still don't have a job, I still live with my sister (but in a new house--thank you Jesus and FFI:)!), I still have bills piling up, my brother is still in prison, BUT my perspective has changed. Instead of dwelling on what I don't have, what isn't happening, I thank Him for the time that I have to spend in His presence without distraction, for the time that He has given me to write this blog, to start my books, to take pictures, to build this foundation with Him, so that when I do get that job and things begin to consume more of my time, that I will still MAKE time to spend with Him everyday. It isn't good enough to just say prayers in passing, "Dear Jesus, help me today, I love You. Amen." For me, I seek Him now. I mean I truly take time to just seek Him, ask Him what He wants to teach me today, show me today, talk to me about today. Everything has changed. I no longer go to a restaraunt because it's what I was in the mood for, rather I ask God where He wants me to go, who does He have for me to talk to? What steps has He ordained for me today. My hunger is different, I am not satisfied with just the crumbs or the leftovers anymore...I WANT HIM!
Does my heart still hurt? Of course. Do I still struggle with my doubts, fears, etc? Of Course. BUT My perspective has changed...I don't dwell on them, but I give them up to him and take my hands off (for the most part).
My prayer for those who don't know Jesus, or better yet, know Him but don't have a relationship with Him is that my life will be a testimony of how good God is. That you will see Him in Me. I pray that I will be Jesus with clothes on...that I will His hand extended. That people young and old alike will be drawn to the Jesus in me, they will want the hunger, the thrist that I have for His Glory.
My prayer for those who know Him in relationship is that you will be encouraged and challenged by my life. That the hunger that I have will rub off on you, that you will desire to know Him in a new way; That you will desire to seek Him more than ever before.

I just love Him!

Falling inlove with Jesus in a new way,

Andrea

Today...

Today is hard. I’m not gonna lie. One of the things that people say most when they are commenting on this blog is how they appreciate the “rawness” of my words. I don’t hide or cover up anything. I am real in my emotions, in my struggles, my doubts and my fears. I don’t know how to be any other way. I don’t know how to pretend that I am okay when I am not. I don’t know how to “sugarcoat” the things I face in my life.

So, once again I’m about to get real, to be raw. Today has been hard. In this "grieving" process, you have good days and bad days. The good days are when you feel like you are really going to be okay. You still hurt, but you see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know that you are going to make it. And then, on the bad days, you feel like your heart is ripped out of your chest over and over again; On the bad days, there’s a memory that lies in every picture you see, every place you visit, every song you hear, in every moment there’s a reminder of the broken dreams, the plans that will never happen, the future that will never be. You’re reminded of the love lost, the dream broken, the hurt, and the pain. Even though things weren’t always good, and sometimes words that were said were hurtful, today, on the “bad day,” all you can remember are the many things that aren’t going to happen…that he’s moved on and you are left alone to pick up the pieces of what is left of your life. You wonder if the memories sting his heart like they do yours. You wonder if he still thinks of you, or if once he realized things were over, he just pushed you aside like a distant memory. You wonder if you ever meant anything at all…you feel cheated, cheated on.

I don’t think I was prepared for all this…I wasn’t prepared to be “cheated on.” Now, to be fair, we were broken up, but then again we weren’t really. My heart was still his…I don’t blame him, I don’t hate him, at times, yes, I have fits of rage, but I don’t hate him. He wanted something that I wasn’t ready to give him…so he moved on. He is making plans with someone else, making memories with someone else….Honestly, today I want him to feel the pain that I feel, the hurt that I hurt, because then maybe, it would make me feel like I meant something, we meant something...but on the good days I just want him to be happy. I want him to be completely happy and more in love with Jesus than he has ever been. I want him to live out his every dream, on the good days....

I know that God has great things in store for me…I know that He has a love for me that I can’t imagine, I get all of that, and I know it in my spirit. It doesn’t change the fact that right now, in this moment, my heart breaks. That in this moment I mourn over the lost dreams, the memories that haunt me. None of my future changes my present. So, how do I make it through today? I don’t know. Actually, I do all that I know to do. I wrap myself up in the arms of Jesus. I share with Him my pain, my hurt, my brokeness, knowing that every tear I cry, He is catching in a bottle (more like a barrell) with my name on it. I listen to worship music, glorifying His name, reminding me that He is Good, that He is Just, that He is Faithful. Music that reminds me that He never lets me go, that never once has He left me alone. I listen as He talks to me through His Word and as He shares with me His plans, His dreams, His desires. That's how I make it through today, a "bad day." Today it feels like I am drowning, that I’m never going to be okay. But, I know that I will be. I know that tomorrow is a new day and that eventually my good days will come much more often than my bad ones. I know that one of these days, my heart won’t hurt so much. I know that God is teaching me much through all of this. I can’t live wondering where I went wrong, what decisions I made that I shouldn’t have, etc…what’s done is done and now I must move forward, learn what I need to, and keep walking. This year, this year of 2012, this year of “Above and Beyond,” of Open Gates, this year I will fall in love with Jesus again. This year I will allow Him to be everything that I have ever desired. This year I will begin and continue to dream His dreams. You watch and see, this year is MY year. This year, I have nothing but greatness in store for me! You watch and see!

Broken,

Andrea

Naked...

Naked. That's what I feel like. I feel like You have stripped me of everything, everything I have, everything I am, every friendship, every relationship, every part of me from the inside out, until I am left standing here completely naked. One of the definitions of naked is defenseless; unprotected; exposed. That's what I feel like. You have stripped every comfort, every dream, every desire from me. It's a feeling of vulnerability like nothing else. It's sometimes dark and cold. Most people would run for cover, find something to put on, hide behind, but for me, for me I choose to just stand here completely naked. I choose to not run for cover but look up and realize that You are my cover and You have never left. I choose to allow you to clothe Me with Your wardrobe. I choose to allow You to clothe me with Your dreams, Your desires, Your friendships, Your relationships, Your gifts, You. I will not hide.
The good thing about this, is the hard part is over, the stripping away is done, I have nothing left to give. So, now I will just stand here and allow You to replace the clothes I was wearing with the clothes that You pick for me. I will wear Your armor. I will be dressed in Your image, because it is You who is dressing me. I will let You dress me in your timing, at Your pace. I have done all that You have asked of me, so now I will just stand.

My prayer is that through this "stripping" of my clothes, of the things I was wearing that were not perfectly tailored for me, that You will shine. My hope is that the people who will read my story, those who have walked through this journey with me, those who feel as if they have suffered in this journey with me, and those who have simply observed, will see You and not me. They will see that it is not in my own strength, but Your strength that I overcome. They will see that the wardrobe You place on me fits much better than anything I could have chosen for myself. My prayer is that through this, You will recieve all the glory! I can not do this on my own. My prayer is that You will make me everything that You desire and that this will all be worth it! My prayer is that through this, my continuing story, that souls will come to know who You are, that they will see they aren't alone, that I have faced the things that I am facing because someone else will need a playbook. I know that I am walking this road because my calling is great and in Your dream for me lies the destinies of multiples!