A Dream...

I've been thinking alot these past few days, weeks. God has really been speaking closely to my heart, to my spirit, sharing alot of things with me. I have realized that I have spent the majority of my life in fear...fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of disappointment, or disappointing others, and just plain fear. There are alot of things I haven't done, I haven't tried, just because I was afraid. The things that I have done, the big changes, were thrust upon me, i.e. moving, getting my Masters, etc. I did them, I moved, I changed, but only because I wasn't given any other options. Would I have done half the things I have done if I had a choice? I don't know...I have a dream. I have dreamt for most of my life, to be a photographer. I want to own my own studio, have a dark room in my house, create pictures. I haven't done anything to make this dream a reality other than buy a camera and be deemed the "family photographer" during the holidays. At one point, I even enrolled in the New York Institute of Photography...I didn't finish...I lost my job and ran out of money.
What happened? Why haven't I pursued this? I believe I'm afraid of failing at it. I'm afraid that I can't do it, that I don't have any idea how to do it, so I don't even try. Satan HAD me so bound up in fear that I didn't take chances because I was afraid. I refuse to be afraid any more. I refuse to miss out on the things that God has for me to do in this life out of fear. Satan is funny like that...you spend your whole life one way and you don't even realize it---until now. So, I will do what I can with what I have, and let God take care of the rest. I will carry my camera around with me, and take pictures of anything and everything I can, and listen:) I have alot of things that I want with this photography business...I want a computer to edit the pictures, an editing program, the NIKON camera that I have wanted for forever, a tripod, etc. but for now I will do with what I have and allow God to use me now. I believe that one day I will write a book, and take pictures that will go along with that book. Shawn prophecied over me a few years back that I would write a book, and each page, each chapeter would have a picture that would go along with it, these pictures would be the key to tie in what I was saying, what I wanted to get across...I have a way with words, and would one day, have a way with pictures, that would change the world.
I have had many dreams broken over the last few years, but this is one dream that God is continuing to stir up within me over and over...I only fail if I don't try...
SO, what am I waiting for?!!

Simply,

Andrea

Lost...

Have you ever been in a place where you feel so completely lost? This is where I am. I feel lost. Completely lost. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, that I'm not LIVING my life. I have so many dreams, so many things I want to accomplish. When I look back on my life I want to be able to say, to see, that I have truly lived, that I have accomplished much, that my dreams came true. How did I get here? How did I get so lost? In a way, I feel like I've moved backwards---everything says I've moved backwards. I don't have a job, I'm living with my sister, I've loved and lost, etc. Before I left Waxahachie in 2009, I had a great job, a house of my own, a car, a "real" life...I had never truly loved. Now that I'm back, I've truly loved, but I lost him, etc. In my human mind, with my human eye, my fleshly perspective, I have walked backwards. BUT I know that God called me back to Hachie. I know that I am here for a season, I KNOW this. Noone else may understand it, but I KNOW. I've lost everything now, in a way, I've even lost myself. So, now I have to find myself. I have to rediscover who I am, where I went, what I do, etc. I have to define myself. I have to listen to my Spirit, not my heart as I have learned it is deceptive. I can't listen to anyone, ANYONE else. Only I know what God is telling me. Only I know what He speaks to me. If noone else agrees, or noone else understands, that has to be ok...because only I know what He is saying to me, where He tells me to go, what He tells me to do, etc. Only I know.

Broken,

Andrea

Broken Dreams

Broken Dreams. We all have them. We've all dreamt big dreams and then lost them...whether it be because we were afraid, because of the choices we made, or simply because they weren't necessarily God's dreams for us...God dreams big dreams for us, over us. This is where I am now, in the "land of broken dreams". I'm a dreamer, I've always been a dreamer. My siblings might say I'm unrealistic, but what's the point of dreaming, if they seem to big, to perfect to be real, right? I've had alot of dreams in my 32 years of life. Some have come to pass...I have a Master's degree, I have the car I've wanted since I was 16, etc. But some dreams have been broken. Broken so bad that I can't even pick up the pieces. I've had dreams of a marriage, a family, to be a wife and a mother. Sometimes, the reality of these broken dreams is so real, so unbearable, that it is hard to breath. I cry alot when I think about the broken dreams. I know this is where I am right now, it is still fresh, still new. I also know that on the other side of these broken dreams, when I have new dreams, it won't be so painful. These have been dreams I have dreamt my entire life...and for the first time, a year ago, I got so close...closer to seeing this dream become a reality than I've ever been in my life...and then a couple of months ago it began to crumble right before my very eyes, and i didn't know how, or couldn't, stop it. Broken Dreams...I know that God dreams bigger for me than I could ever dream for myself. I struggle with why He would allow things, just to take them away, but no matter what, Blessed be His Name. I'm a blank slate...I have no preconcieved ideas of what my future holds, of what my dreams are. I guess this is a good place to be huh? It allows Him to do whatever He wants...completely. I still have the dream of being a wife and a mother, but I also know that if that wasn't part of His dream for me, it wouldn't be a desire of mine.
He sees the big picture. He knows why this dream fell apart, maybe to allow for a bigger dream for both of us? I don't know...but, I do know that I give Him my broken dreams, so that He can give me His big ones.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I tried:)

Learning to live through my broken dreams,

Andrea

Faithful

I don't know alot of things...Shocker I know!:) But, what I do know is that God is faithful. He is and has always been faithful! He has never failed me, never fallen short of his promises for me. There's a song by Matt Redman called "Never Once." No matter where my life has been, what I've been through, going through, or going to go through, He has and never will leave me to walk alone. I may not understand what He is doing, why He is allowing me, my brother, my family, to walk along this path, through this journey, I don't know, and I may never understand---BUT I know that He is faithful!
There isn't alot more I can say about that. HE IS FAITHFUL! That pretty much sums it up:) So as you may be walking through what seems like the darkest time of your life, you feel you are all alone, you don't understand what God is doing, and you feel like He has left you, that He's just picking on you, or even that He hates you...trust me, He is faithful!

http://youtu.be/7OqZ5Quae8Y

Poured out my best...

I have poured out my best for you. I have given you all that I have, all that I am. I have given you the deepest parts of me, the parts that I held most dear, the parts that were most special. I have given them to you, and in return, I trust, I have to trust, that You will give me Your best. It hurts and it's scary. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know if I'll ever see him again, if I'll ever love like this again, if anyone will ever love me like he does again. I fear that this was my chance, this was my chance at love, at happiness, at being a wife and a mother...BUT You asked that I let him go, that I seek Your face like never before...I just hope You know what You are doing...:) He asked me, "So I have to seek God in order to find you?" I said, "Yes." Hoping that in his seeking God he finds more than me...knowing that there is a chance that he won't find me at all, but he will find something better than he ever dreamed. My prayer for him is that he truly seeks the face of God, that he truly sees God like he has never seen Him before. My prayer is that God completely shakes his world.
I hate being the girl who obeys...I hate the fact that when God asks me to do something, I just do it...yes, I ask questions, and I doubt, but I do it. Because the alternative scares me more. I won't entertain the thought of not obeying...I can't...and I don't know how some people can. There isn't anything that is more important than the obedience of God. I've come too far and I've waited to long to just have my own way, do my own thing...there are too many souls that I have to reach, to many books that I have to write.
Love...I will write a book about love someday. Marriage, I will write a book about marriage someday...what it is supposed to look like, biblically...that I know...so my fear of this being my chance, kind of stupid huh? I know the promises God has given me...I know that He has promised me that my marriage would be so good that it would look like a facade to some, but it would be real. So, this timing thing, this waiting, this broken heart---it will be worth it...atleast that's what I keep telling myself...

Broken hearted,

Andrea

It's better to have never loved at all...

"It is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all..."
I disagree with this statement, atleast right now, at this point in my life. Right now, I believe that it is better to have never loved all, the alternative hurts to much. My heart is broken, again, and maybe one can say I've done this to myself. Maybe one can say all the "shoulda, woulda, coulda's," but it is what it is and my heart hurts. I waited for so long to feel love. I waited for so long to find someone who would love me and make me feel like I was the most important person in the world. I waited for 3o years, and then to have to give it all up. How am I supposed to do this? I know all the cliche' sayings, "This too shall pass," "Time heals all wounds," "It'll get easier," "It'll be worth it," etc. Blah, blah, blah...It doesn't change the fact that it hurts, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't understand what I've done or even why. It doesn't change the fact that he has taken this as an attack against his person...it stings to think that he would even entertain the thought that I don't love him, or I don't love him enough. That I don't think he's good enough, or spiritual enough, or whatever. That he would take this as a personal failure.
This isn't about him at all...I wish I could help him to understand that this is about me. This is about me being obedient to the voice of God. He is taking me to a place where His face is what I must seek. I must be so lost in God, the he has to seek God to find me...How do I help him to understand? How do I make it hurt less. How do I show him, tell him, that I love him more than my English words could ever say? That if this was about my will, I would be with him right now and forever...I don't know that he isn't the one...I just know that he isn't the one right now.

To you:
I don't know if you will ever read this...I don't know if I will ever talk to you again...but I need you, I want you, to know that I love you with every breath that I take. I think of you in my every movement. I want for you, God's best. I want you to seek Him with everything that you are and believe Him for the absolute impossible. I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you like this, but you must know that this isn't easy for me. I don't want to do it, but I know I have too. One day, I hope we can both believe that the ending will be better than the beginning.
There aren't the right words to tell you what is in my heart, so I will tell you that I will pray for you every day of my life...You have changed my life...tidbits

Broken once again,

Blue

For granted...

I have learned alot over the past couple of months, actually over the past couple of years, but the past few months (almost 7 months) have been a time of stretching, of learning, or change, and so many more things. I have learned to not take anything for granted, or I am trying not to anyways. How many times have you walked outside just because you can? Do you know that there are men and women who haven't seen the sun in months, maybe even years? Last Wednesday was the first time that Shawn had seen the sun in 7 months. It was the first time in 7 months, he felt the wind blow across his face, the first time he heard the birds chirp. How many times have I taken all of those things for granted? Do you know that Shawn hasn't had the physical touch of friend, a hug, in 7 months? How many times have I taken for granted the physical touch, the hug, of a friend for granted? How many times have I taken for granted the freedom I have to choose what and when I want to eat? How many times have I taken for granted the sunrise and the sunset? How many times I have taken for granted the freedom I have to attend church and to worship Jesus the Almighty with my fellow friends and believers? Yes, I have been found guilty to take my physical freedom for granted; But I have also been found guilty of taking my spiritual freedom for granted.
Shawn has taught me that there is no sacrifice that is to great, there is no freedom that is to small. So, for Jesus and for Shawn I will strive to live to my fullest, not taking all the small things I am honored to be a part of, for granted.
Shawn has been transferred out of Ellis county to the Gurney Unit in Palestine, Tx. He was ready, that I know:) He was ready for a change, for something different, something new. Here, he will be able to go outside, etc. Here there seems to be more "freedoms" then where he was at. We haven't been able to talk to him, it will be about a month, but we are praying for him daily and believe that the Lord has gone before him. I know that the sooner he goes, the sooner we get this over with.
We are still waiting for God to perform His miracle. We know that He is going to, on His time:) So many things have already happened, I wish I could share it all with you, but the time will come for that:) God is already using Shawn's story, his website, to change lives. He is already preparing the way and opening the doors, getting things ready for when Shawn comes home! It has been amazing...opening doors for Shawn's book, turning his story into a film, a documentary, and so many other things. I know that Shawn's prayer, as well as the prayer of our family, is that God will recieve the ultimate glory through all of this...we believe that God is going to perform such a miracle that there will be no doubt that it was God. We believe that not only will our extended family and friends be changed and transformed through Shawn's story, our story, but people we have never met throughout the world! We believe that what satan has meant for evil, what he thought he would use to steal, kill, and destroy us, God has and is and will continue to only use for His glory! We are not the same! I know I am not the same and I know that Shawn is not the same! I know that God is changing the Quinney family and we are not the same!
I must go for now, but I will write again soon:)
Keep us all in your prayers and I will keep you all updated the best that I can.

Taking nothing for granted,

Andrea