Moments.

April 22, 2025

    It’s been a while…I know, I know.  LIFE has gotten busy and honestly, I just forgot about this blog.  I shouldn’t.  This is where I get my thoughts out, where I think things through, walk things out.  Yet, how many times do I just forget to do all those things.  Push things/emotions/feelings aside because I get to busy to deal with them.  

    I don’t want to do that any more.  I have this yearning, this desire to talk about the things of God, to have a community of people that just talk about the things of God.  People sharing stories, testimonies of all the things He has done, stories of His faithfulness.  I have a ton of those stories.  Moments when we share our hearts, those deep things of God,  the promises He’s made us that we haven’t seen fulfilled and the ones we have.  In these moments, we encourage each other, pray for each other, support each other.
    Moments of worship–because I can give you a worship song for every moment of my life-both the joy and the struggle.  Moments where we encounter Him both together and individually.  Moments where we share our families with each other and watch Him work in them.  

This is where I’m at and this is what I’m praying through. 

Still Dreaming,

Andrea

Home.

So, it's been a little over a week now that Shawn has been home.  Read that again....SHAWN IS HOME!!  He is home friends!  God is faithful and oh so good!  Emotional.  It has been an emotional time.  I haven't gotten to actually SEE him yet, because I live in MO and well....it's a little more difficult than it seems.  However, we are changing that in about 2 weeks.  I will tell you that day, the days leading up to his release, were taxing.  It didn't seem real.  Something we, I have been praying for, believing for was finally happening.  It was FINALLY happening.  God was answering.  

I won't ever forget the moment I got the phone call that he was with my parents.  I was at school (I'm a teacher).  I said, "hello?" and with tears streaming down his face, I heard that voice, "Andrea, I'm home."  I didn't think I would cry, but boy did I.  Right there, in my classroom, in front of all my kids, crying like a baby!  SO many emotions...He did it!  God brought him home! A 10 year prayer had been answered...my faith was so high in that moment!  If He could bring Shawn home, and answer that prayer, why wouldn't He answer my baby prayer?  Why won't He give me a baby?  He WILL!!  I know it with every fiber of my being...He will!  

Friends, don't give up!  Don't stop believing, don't stop praying, don't stop trusting in the One who has it all!  He is faithful!  We may not always understand what or why He is doing things the way He is, but we trust Him all the same!  If anything, I have learned that He writes our stories much better than we ever could!  It's much more beautiful if we just let Him do it!

Still Dreaming, 

Andrea

 I'm Back!!

Wow!  It's been a little over 3 years since I have posted a blog.  It's now 2022.  In the last 3 years, we had our third miscarriage and we moved from Texas to Missouri (I know, don't ask:)).  We have been in Missouri for almost 2 years--it will be 2 in July.  It's different here, but the same.  We have our moments, I have my moments.  I miss Texas.  I miss what Texas represents for me--friends, family, security, safety, home.  It's a little harder to be here now that we know WHEN my brother is coming home (see way earlier posts for those stories).  I want to be there, to spend time with him, catch up on the last 10 years, share everything that's happened---from wedding videos to movies, to music and  tv shows, to fashion, etc!  There has been so much he has 'missed' and I can't wait to share life with him again...so being here in MO and away from there right now is difficult.  I know that God has a plan, and I know that He knew when He moved us all the way up here when He did, He knew what He was doing.  He hasn't failed me yet, so why would I doubt him now?  I just can't beleive it?!  On August 3, 2011, I felt a punch in the stomach like never before.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't speak, utter shock.  We didn't know what God was doing, why He was doing it...Here we are DAYS from the end of this chapter, and HE has been SO faithful!  So faithful.  We have made it!  We are stronger, we are closer.  We view things/people differently now.  We don't take for granted the things we use to.  I can't wait to share the rest of this story with you some day!  

Still dreaming, 

Andrea 

Grief. And the Joy we can find in it.

Grief. Grief is defined as 'deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death.' Some synonyms for grief are sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, heartache, heartbreak, regret. I have experienced many moments of grief in my life in many forms. I remember when I was 10 years old and my pawpaw died. I remember sitting around the dining room table at my grandma’s house and my dad, my aunt and uncles all talking about the memories, laughing through the tears. I remember being in the 4th grade and learning that our dog had died. I remember having my heart broken by a boy---another form of grief. I remember my grandma dying when I was an adult. Most recently though, this monster called Grief has taken on a whole new meaning in my life.
If you read my last blog, you learned that we suffered a miscarriage in July of 2018. I was 6 weeks and to say we were devastated would be an understatement. We both dealt with our grief in our own ways. And I don’t think it was necessarily the healthiest way for either of us, but we survived. We learned and we got through.
The months following we really learned to communicate with each other, we learned to laugh at the small things, to enjoy each other and the blessings we already had. We learned to trust God in a way that we hadn’t before. We learned to love each other all over again.
In November, we found out we were pregnant again. We were shocked. I was terrified. Miscarriage changes you. It changes the way you think, the way you view everything. I had never had a “healthy” pregnancy, so I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. So, everything I felt something that was “off” I panicked. All day, every day. Yet, at the same time we were excited. We waited until we were 8 weeks to tell our family (which we thought was better the 6 weeks we waited the first time). We were making plans, talking about him with our family, we were excited. The day after Christmas, a Wednesday, we went to our first sonogram appointment and it was horrible! The dr. didn’t tell us anything---he found out my age and my previous pregnancy history and that was it. We felt in that moment that he wrote me off, wrote us off. He told me that I would miscarry by the end of the week and to schedule a follow-up appointment by weeks end to make sure “everything turned out okay.” I was completely devastated. This was the baby God had promised us! Why would he allow this to happen? Why would He give him to us just to take him away? We left that appointment and Josh put me in my place. He reminded me of the promises of God and we decided in that moment that we were not giving up on our baby! We were going to fight for him because he could not fight for himself! So that is exactly what we did! We alerted our closest friends and family, we notified the prayer team at our church and we fought. Was it hard? It was very hard for me. My spirit was telling me one thing, but my head was telling me another. I’d been through this before and I told myself then that I would never go through this again…yet, here we were.
New Year’s Eve---Monday morning---I started cramping…I knew…I’ve felt this before, I’ve been through this before. We had friends over, we were celebrating the end of 2018 and I was in so much pain—I was losing my second baby in less than 6 months. Grief became so real to me, again, in that moment. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I carry a healthy baby? What did I do wrong? What did I eat that I shouldn’t have? What did I drink that I shouldn’t have? I should have exercised, etc.
We had a sonogram taken the following Wednesday and discovered that we had indeed lost the baby. I was 9 weeks.  I knew it. In my heart, I knew it. This time, our grief was different. We grieved together. We talked about it, we felt. We cried, we laughed, we got angry, we got sad, but we did it all together.  We felt it TOGETHER.  We named him Noah Isaac, meaning, "Peaceful Promise of God's Laughter."  He was ours and we loved him so.  It has almost been 3 weeks…so we are still grieving. We are still processing through loss. We still feel it—the sadness, the anger, the jealousy. Every time we see a baby, every time we see a pregnancy announcement, gender reveal, etc on social media, we grieve all over again. This kind of grief is unexplainable.
Yes, we are grieving and no we don’t understand BUT let me tell you this. We STILL know what God has promised. We STILL believe that He will give us our promised baby. We CHOOSE joy and SPEAK life over those babies we see, those parents who are expecting. We HOLD fast to the promised of the Lord and we know that His Word is truth. We will not stop planning, we will not stop believing, we will not stop preparing. And when we come to the day where we will hold that precious baby in our arms, we will not take him for granted, we will tell him of the miracle that he is and he will know how loved and thankful we are for him.
Miscarriages ensured I lost a certain innocence about pregnancy that I carried before. They also ensured I wouldn’t take cover under false promises or assume that life will turn out as expected. I am not entitled to happy endings, nor am I ungrateful for them when they come. If anything, suffering has made me appreciate joy more… but I will not demand it more. I can’t. I know too much.
I am seeing the faithfulness of God in the midst of the storm—while in the eye of it surrounded by eerie silence yet thankful to realize I’m still alive, I have also seen it while being tossed in the fray of it, gulping and gasping for a lifeline, wondering if a rescue boat will come before I drown. I’ve also seen it while safely back on shore, recovering under a blanket and wrapped in the comfort of love and sustaining grace. Here he is---God faithful within all. (It’s who He is. He can’t NOT be.)
I’ve also seen the faithfulness of God well AFTER the storm when the clouds are well and truly parted and the seas have grown still. I know the sun will rise in the east again tomorrow and the buds will eventually push their way through the barren winters. I know that LOVE ALWAYS FINDS ITS DESTINATION. I also know that new life comes after death---it’s the order of the world (made in light of heaven) and we can always hope for it and call it into being.
I understand how little I understand and I see Jesus anyway, through it all. He is the source of life as I know it and my hope rests securely in knowing he never stops creating, never stops reproducing life, never stops loving us into becoming more of ourselves.
Miscarriages are a real thing and they happen in 1 out of every 4 pregnancies and 20% of those women will have a recurrent pregnancy. This means that, more than likely, someone you work with, go to church with, someone in your family has experience a pregnancy loss. I’m tired of not being able to talk about it. My first miscarriage, I felt ashamed, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone because no one understood. I felt like I should keep it a secret. With my second, it was different, because we had so many people praying, more people knew, therefore more people were praying for us, asked us questions, and showed their support. Through this miscarriage, I learned of the many women in my circle who had experienced a pregnancy loss of some kind. In some ways, this made it ‘easier’ for us to grieve, ‘easier’ for us to walk through.
So, if anything, this blog is not written for you to feel sorry for us. It is written to let you know that, if you have had pregnancy loss, you are not alone and it is not your fault. There isn’t anything you could have done differently. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Talk about it, share your story. I promise, it will help and I promise that time does heal. It never goes away, you always remember…I still have things to go through, but I am healing. And you will too.

Still Dreaming~

Drea

God is Good. ALL the time!

Wow!  It’s been almost 4 years since I have written last!  A LOT has happened in 4 years!  Let me catch you up…I met the most amazing man, and I married himJ  With him, came two adorable girls.  So, now I am a wife and a mom.  I am still teaching in Dallas, but that is slowly coming to a close as well.   
God is good.  ALL the time. 

Before I got married, I had this fairy tale idea of what marriage was going to be.  I knew it wasn’t going to be all rainbows and daisies, but I sure wasn’t prepared for the storms that would come.   Nor was I prepared for the simple thing of compromise.  You see, on my end, I was 36 years old when I got married.  I lived on my own for 2 years.  I had an education and a career.  I took care of myself, made my own decisions, did what I wanted to do, went where I wanted to go, and spent money when I wanted to spend it.  My husband, on the other hand, had 2 children, one of whom he had every other week for a full week.  He made the decisions, he raised the children, made the rules for them, etc.  When we got married, I moved into his house, their house.  They had a way of doing things, that wasn’t always my way.  That first year, wow!  It was tough…it was rough.

 We got to year 2 and thought we had made it past the hard stuff but little did we know…year 2 was crazy!  We got full custody of his 7  (at the time) year old.  Things dramatically changed for me.  I was okay with the week on week off.  I was mentally prepared for that.  I still got him to myself every other week.  For that one week, I was his everything.  I got his undivided attention.   Then on Valentine’s Day 2016, life as I knew it came to a screeching halt.  Now only was I know a full time mom…for this time, I was the ONLY mom.  Everything changed.  Date nights didn’t happen as easy, time alone didn’t happen as often.  We were now consumed with this little girl who had everything that she knew as familiar ripped out from underneath her.  We were answering questions that we should have never had to answer.  We were dealing with counselors, case workers, etc.  We were trying to navigate a scenario that we had been hoping we would never have to navigate, for months.  For me personally, I was dealing with loss.  I was dealing with the loss of my husband being just mine for a time.  I was dealing with these emotions of being a full time mom, raising a child that was not even biologically mine.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love her with every ounce of my being and for everything that matters, SHE IS MINE.   But, she was 5 when we got married and she was now 7…she had 7 years of influence from authority outside of me. It was tough.  Then to add a 10 year old who was now dealing with her sister ‘having more than her,’ was a whole other issue!  This was year 2.

Then we come to year 3…we are currently in year 3 and it has already proved to be heartbreaking and satisfying all at the same time!  We have finally formed ourselves into a blended family.  Josh and I are learning to communicate about our parenting better and better every day.  Hannah is much more adjusted and secure.  She is only talking to a counselor when we feel she needs a ‘checkup.’  This year holds some roads that we are unsure of how we are going to navigate them, but we do know the One who does know.  We have an almost teenager on our hands who believes that she is way smarter than us and knows way more than us, so pray for us!  Trying to filter our way through that is pretty muddy but like the millions of parents who have gone before us, we will manage and we will persevere—only by the grace of God!
This year 3 has also already held great loss and great pain.  On my 39^th birthday, we discovered we were pregnant…something we have been waiting and praying for a year.  And 3 weeks later, we miscarried.  I believe that I have experienced a lot and been prepared for a lot, but this was something that I was never prepared for.  Not even a little bit.  The pain that came with this was heart wrenching.  I didn’t know you could already love someone that you had never met so much.  We made the ‘rookie’ mistake of telling the girls, they were so excited!  We planned, we told some family, never once thinking we would lose.  We knew this was God’s answer to our prayers, God’s miracle for us, and God’s prophecies fulfilled.   And then…I don’t think I will ever forget that feeling…and then having to tell my husband---made me feel like a failure.  He did his part, it was me.  Something was wrong with me.  I failed.  The emotions that came along with this loss…the thoughts, the hurt, the pain.  I was angry.  I was angry at God for taking him, I was angry at God for all of it.  I was angry at myself.  Then, we had to tell the girls.  Telling Hannah-someone who was so young and had already lost so much in her little life…she has stared loss in the face more times than most of us ever will…she has such a heart for people that her concern was that we were okay.  I remember her just trying to do everything ‘right’ to make things easier for me, for her daddy.  This baby had not been a reality in her little world for very long but she felt the loss. 
These emotions are still so real.  Jesus and I have had many conversations about this.  I still have a lot of questions that I know I will not get answers to until I see Him face to face…and there is a lot that I don’t understand.  We learned a lot about how we communicate with each other through this process and we learned a lot about grief.  Life wasn’t fair.  I felt like I had already grieved so much.  I grieved about the time I ‘lost’ with my husband when we got Hannah full time.  I grieved about the choices that others made that had in turn directly now effected the very life I knew.  There is so much to this story that I am not sharing at this time, the time will come.  I don’t know a lot.  But what I do know is that God is good.  ALL the time.  I have felt loss, I have felt pain, I have felt hurt.  BUT I have also felt joy.  I have felt health.  I have felt hope. 
That’s where we are at now.  We are hopeful.  We know that the promises of God are true.  We know that He does not lie.  We know that He is faithful.  We know that He is love.   So, we cling to this verse in Habakkuk 2:2 (Amp)

“For the vision is yet for the appointed [future] time

It hurries toward the goal [of fulfillment]; it will not fail.

Even though it delays, wait [patiently] for it,

Because it will certainly come; it will not delay."

Although we have experienced a lot of pain, we have also experienced a lot of joy.  We have experienced alot of good.  We have laughed until it hurt, we have loved and been loved until we felt like we would explode.  We have fought and we have won.  We are good.  Our family is good.  We will one day be a family of 5, but until that day, we will hold to the Father who has promised hope.  He is good and He does good!  God is good.  ALL the time!

Dreaming His Dreams, 

Drea

2015!!

2015...it's 2015.  I remember a time, a few years ago, when I didn't think I would survive the day I was in, much less ever make it to 2015!  One thing I know, God is faithful!  I love this blog, even though I have been horrible about keeping it up to date, I love it...why?  The things I have written here have been full of emotion, raw emotion.  Reading them takes me back to days, to moments that I would rather forget, yet, I am reminded time after time that God is faithful.  In my darkest moments, the biggest storms of my life, God was there....when I didn't feel like I was going to make it, He was walking right beside me.  In those moments of joy, those moments of celebration, He was also there with me...walking right beside me, rejoicing with me.
God has been faithful.  He has fulfilled many promises and there are many more He has left to fulfill, but He is faithful.  2015 is full of hope, full of anticipation.  2015 is ready and waiting for me to fill its pages with love, happiness, life.  I know that no matter what this year has in store for me, for my family, that He will be faithful and I will walk through  to the end of it.  2015 is going to be an amazing year:)

Dreaming His Dreams,

Drea

Hope deferred no more!

It’s been 6 months since I have written a blog…I guess you could say I got busy…no excuse.  I guess I went through a dry season…not necessarily a bad one, just different.  Now that I have a job, an apartment, I am learning to balance my time, and this blog just didn’t make the priority list.  Maybe it should have; this is what I love.  I love to write.  I do that better than I do most other things.  It’s hard for me, to say what I feel, what I am experiencing, what I am going through with my mouth…it’s much easier to write it down.  It is delivered much more clearly that way.

At the beginning of January, God sent me on a journey that was unexpected, but much needed.  He began to do things in me that I wasn’t prepared for.  He started dealing with some deep seeded things in me, from my past, that I felt I had already dealt with…and I believe that I did, but just like an onion, there are layers.  So in this new layer, I went to this amazing, prophetic, counselor who walked me through a process of healing, restoration, forgiveness, and identity.  She was a God-sent!  Through this process, I took a break from some ministry things that I was involved in.  This was a welcomed break, I must say.  Through this journey, this one of healing and independence, I have learned so much about myself, and about God.  

Independence—how exhilarating it has been!  I live on my own now; I have no roommate (unless you want to count my sweet Daschund ‘Adee’).  At times, I get lonely—rather I miss the noise…I lived with my sister and 4 nieces for a couple of years—but, this has been a great experience for me.  When I decided to live alone, I did so because I felt I needed to.  I needed to get to know myself, my style, the things I loved and the things I didn’t; before I got married and had to live withsomeone else for the rest of my life.  It has been amazing.  I have made my apartment a home.  It is still a work in progress, but it is mine:)

Dreams—one thing that God has done through this journey has been a reminding of dreams.  There are some dreams that He has given me that I forgot about, rather my heart became sick with a hope deferred.  I wasn’t seeing it happen, them happen.  From the outside looking in, you would think that they were happening.  I had my dream car, my dream job, and my dream of living on my own, etc.  Everything seemed to be unfolding right before me…but there were still…dreams of a ministry, dreams of a family, dreams…my heart was sick… “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12(NIV)... “Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around. (MSG).  When was it going to turn around for me?  When was I going to get that ‘good break?’  I felt like it was winter, there were no blooms on my tree, the leaves were gone, and the branches were bare and falling off the tree.  I didn’t know what to do.  

Through this process of counseling, independence, healing…God began to stir within my spirit those dreams once again…I know that I will get that family that I have so desperately wanted…I know that I will get to be a mom someday.   But this dream of ministry…this dream of living out my purpose, the destiny of what He has called me to…I will get that to.  There are some aspects of my life, of my dreams, that have been kept close, safe, and private.  Maybe because they seem to be much bigger than I, they seem to almost be impossible for ‘little ole me’ to ever achieve.  But if I have learned anything through this season, I have learned that He who is in me is greater…If my dreams aren’t big enough to ‘scare’ me, then they aren’t big enough.  God’s dream for me is muchbigger than I could ever dream on my own.  It is coming.  He has restored them into my heart.  He has given me the joy to hope again.  I can see it, I can taste it, and I can almost touch it.  I am going to change the world.  He is going to change the world through me.  I have a voice.  He has given me words to speak and for a long time I have been intimidated, by others around me who seemed stronger, my insecurities, etc…but when the time is right, I will speak them.  

You can read throughout this blog about the journey that God has taken my family on throughout the past 6 years…starting in October of 2008.  A journey that has been the hardest things we have ever gone through…but through this journey, one that we are still walking, we have become different people.  We have become, I hope, more like Him.  Loving people that maybe before we would have cast aside.  Welcoming people that maybe before were easy to judge. I have this increasing love for an entire community that I never thought twice about before; these men and women who are currently spending their lives behind 4 walls because of the power that Satan had over their lives.  I have a burden for thiscommunity whose hurts, rejections, and brokenness have made them turn to a lifestyle of homosexuality.  6 years ago, this group of people would have never been on my radar.  But now, my heart breaks, my heart grieves for both of these groups.  I don’t know what God has in store, how this will tie into the dreams that He has already placed in my heart, but I know I have a voice.  

I know this has been a random blog, but that’s how my mind is working right now.  I feel a change coming.  I don’t know, but I think it may be a lot of changes…location, physical, spiritual, etc.  It’s fun, it’s exciting, and it’s time!

Once again Dreaming His Dreams,

Drea

Miss Independent

Independence...who would have thought it would have taken me 34 1/2 years to get to complete independence.  Almost a week ago, I moved into my first apartment without a roommate.  I am completely independent.  The emotions that I have experienced in doing this have been overwhelming; some were positive and some were negative.  I was full of excitement and fear at the same time.  I don't like change, even healthy change, because it's still change.  BUT I do know that this change was very good for me.  I am learning myself...learning who I am, what I like, completely independent from anyone else's influence, ideas, or opinions.  It's been fun and it's been interesting:) 
The last time I wrote a blog was in May...wow!  It's a new year already!  I have an amazing job with people that I love to work with!  I have a new car, and now I have a new apartment.  God has been completely amazing and faithful in my life!  Now, I just need for my brother to come home and all is well!:) 

I have learned that God is still faithful.  Even when I don't understand His ways, He only wants the best for me, and if I will get out of my own way, He will do wonders!  I am excited to see what this new year has in store for me and my family...God surprises are the best ones! 

Don't be a stranger!  I promise I will write more!:)

Dreaming His Dreams,

Drea

Dreaming!

I spent some time today looking through these blogs...I don't like to do it often because it brings back some memories, moments, emotions that I try not to remember alot;)  In October of 2010, I moved back to Waxahachie because I knew that God told me to.  That first SUnday in October, I went to my church, FFI, filled out my connection card, and put down three things underneath the heading 'prayer requests.'  1. A new job; 2. a new car; and 3. Shawn's SOON release. (that's exactly how I write it.).  Every Sunday since then, I have written down those exact three things...on April 24th, I got the exact job I wanted, teaching Kindergarten, making more money than I have ever made in my life...almost $15000 more.  On May 20th, I bought a BRAND NEW car.  So, for 2 years and 18 months, I wrote down all three things...for 2 years and 19 months I wrote down 2, and now I only have 1 to write down.  In less than a months time God answered two prayers of mine...my faith is set and my hope is high.  I have no doubt that my brother is coming home!  Why would God faithfully answer two, only to leave the last one remaining?  That isn't who my God is!
These past 2 1/2 years have been rough.  I have been tested and I wish that I could say I have passed with flying colors, but I can't.  What I can say is that HE IS FAITHFUL!  He has not only given me what I needed, but He has blown me away by giving me exactly what I wanted!  I mean, He has done things that should not have been possible, that weren't possible!   He has truly gone above and beyond what I could have ever hoped for!!! 
I know, I KNOW, that all this started when I set it in my heart, in my Spirit, to align myself with Him; to get everything in order.  When I moved here, I was a mess.  I didn't really see it, and I sure wouldn't have admitted it, but I was.  I had been in a relationship that was destroying me...we had ended things, but not really...we hadn't broken up emotionally.  It would be many months later, before that was taken care of.  I loved him, I truly loved him...no matter how wrong it was, or how much it shouldn't have happened...I loved him with everything that I was...I loved him hard.  He broke my heart, and he hurt me as hard as I loved him.  Slowly, I began to heal...slowly I began to allow the Lord to soothe the places that he has so painfully broken.  I believe it truly started when I attended the Ramp Conference and God restored some things in me that been stolen, or broken.  Slowly, I began to hear His voice again, I began to dream again.  I obeyed.  He asked me to move here and I did.  He asked me to trust Him and I did.  He asked me to desire Him above all else, and I did.  It was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I think about that decision all the time, I don't regret it, but sometimes I do wonder...and now I am FINALLY seeing His promises fulfilled.  It's a great feeling to know that I am exactly in the center of His will and He blesses me because He loves me:)  I can't wait to see what is next!  A husband maybe? lol
Trust me guys, the valley, the desert, is very hard and rough and painful, but in order to get to the top of the mountain it is necessary!  I am not on top of the mountain by any means, but I am closer, I am on the rise and it feels amazing!  I know now that I will not take my job, or my car, for granted because I KNOW that if it wasn't for Him, I wouldn't have them.  He is the giver of all things!:)  I just love Him.

Dream with Him because it is so worth it!:)

Andrea

Caterpillers and Thunderstorms

I'm tired.  I'm just tired.  I'm tired of hoping and not SEEING anything happen.  I'm tired of trusting and believing in a promise that isn't being fulfilled...or atleast I'm not seeing it be fulfilled.  I'm tired of telling people that Shawn IS coming home, and having them look at me like I have completely lost my mind.  I KNOW that God is not a man that He should lie.  I KNOW that His promises are yes and amen.  I KNOW that He has promised us that Shawn will come home soon--and by soon, I mean sooner than the "law" says...they say he won't even be able to come home until 2021--God says, NO WAY.  God is bigger than any law.  He has promised!  I know all of these things...but when do I get to see it?  When do I get to hig my brother again?  When do I get to have a conversation with him that isn't over the phone?  When do I get to share my life with him and him share his with me?  I want a time.  I want a date.  My heart is growing weak and my hope is weary.  I know what His Word says, I know what He has said.  I guess I just simply need to be reminded once again.  Instead of him coming closer to being home, it seems like he's farther away.  I don't understand.  I just don't understand.
I know this isn't the happiest post in the world, but it is where I am at right now...maybe soon I will have a new post full of butterflies and rainbows:)  For now, you get caterpillers and thunderstorms...

Dreaming His Dreams but very tired,

Andrea

In my weakness...

I have a lot of things happening here in my world:)  I GOT A JOB!!  In case any of you are reading my blog and are not my friends on facebook, now you know:)  I got a job, not just any job, but the perfect job:)  I am a Kindergarten teacher at a school district that I have wanted to work at for a long time.  It is a brand new school within this district, only 3 kinder and 3 1st grade teachers to start with.  It will be perfect.  I am excited, it still doesn't seem real.  The last few years have been so hard as I have filled out MANY applications, gone on interview after interview, and nothing...but God knew exactly what He was doing!  I am so thankful for the lessons that I have learned, the growth, wisdom I have gained:)  I am no in the process of looking for/getting a car...it is becoming more complicated and difficult than I had intended...there are so many options and choices out there that I am overwhelmed and it is insane!

Now on to another note...I am tired.  I am tired of missing my brother.  I am tired of him not being around, not being able to call him whenever I see/hear something hysterical...we have a lot of the same humor...I miss just talking to him, sharing my life, what's happening in my world with him.  I KNOW that God has promised his soon release, I KNOW that.  This is where faith comes in...the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen..this is where I live by faith and not by sight.  Where I will cling to the promises of Shawn coming home, of God fulfilling the things that He has promised!  It has already started, I got a job---that was a promise that I have waited a long time for...so, I know that God doesn't just lay out a whole bunch of promises and then decides to only follow through with some of them...He is NOT A MAN that He should lie!  I don't understand what He is doing...in my timing, Shawn should be home already...my idea says that he never should have been gone to begin with...although looking back, I KNOW that the man who went in and the man who is coming out are two completely different people.  Shawn is now completely and totally surrendered to the Lord.  There is no struggle, no temptation, that will keep him from His King, from fulfilling his purpose.  So, all this to say, although I still have faith, and my prayer is
God help me in my unbelief," I'm just tired.  BUT I know who my Savior is.  I know what He has promised me and my family and I know that HE will finish what He started!! 

What do people do without Jesus?  How do they live?  How do the survive without having Him to lean on, to go to?  I have no idea..

Fulfilling His Dreams~
Andrea

Lining things up!

Hi guys!!  I know it has been a while, and I am so sorry!  I started subbing long term for a teacher who had a baby, so I have been really busy and/or tired!  But, the job ends tomorrow, and I have a lot to say:)  I have got to learn to do better, to be more consistent when I actually get a full-time job:) 
So, I am doing really well.  I feel good...not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually.  I am in a good place...it's amazing what God does in your life once you line everything up, get everything in order:)  It hasn't been easy---God knows it has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, and I haven't "arrived" at all and I have so much further to go, but I have come so far!  Looking back over the past two and a half years I have had a lot of things to write about...I have faced every emotion under the sun...I have a book to write...BUT I am so thankful for God's grace, His mercy, His sovereignty on and over my life.  I would not be where I am without Him, I could not be who I am without Him.  He is my everything.  I think I have made it pretty clear that I will not settle for anything less than His best in EVERY area of my life!  I thank you, my readers, for not giving up on me, for your prayers, your support, for continuing to read this chapter of my book, known as my life:)  It means the world to me that you have chosen to walk this road with me...things are looking up my friend, things are looking up...:)!  STAY TUNED!

Dreaming His Dreams,

Andrea

A Fierce Pursuit

"Oh God, may I pursue You as fiercely as You pursue me..." 
This is my prayer, my heart's desire.  He chases me.  He pursues me.  No matter what I've done, where I've been, what I will do, or where I will go, He constantly and fiercely pursues me.  Oh I want to do the same...no matter where He leads me, what He asks me to do; even He if never answers another prayer, pours out another blessing, I want to fiercely pursue Him.  I will fiercely pursue Him.  He is all that I need.  He is my everything, and He is more than enough!  I can not be anything, go anywhere, without Him!  Trust me, I've tried.  I looked in other directions, placed my pursuit towards other things, other people, and I was never as satisfied as I am in this moment...pursuing Him. 
My life will never be the same...the last couple of years have been hard...I have hurt, felt pain, disappointment, sadness, anger, etc; not only with Tracy, but with my own situation; my brother's situation, all of it...BUT, if I have learned one thing (I have learned alot, but if I had to only pick one) it would be the true knowledge that HE IS ENOUGH!  He is enough...just realizing this has been worth every bit of pain and hurt that I have faced...every bit of it.

My prayer is that He is proud of me.  Proud of the choices that I have made, the changes He sees in me, the desires of my heart, my passion...I want those things to reflect Him.  I want to please Him in everything I do, everything I say, in my every action, my every thought, my every motive, my every intent.  I want to be able to say, "follow me, as I follow Christ."  That I am living my life in such a way that my mere walk leads them to the One who fiercely pursues them!

As you can see, God has been doing so much in my life...He has been revealing to me some of His plan for my life that I didn't know before...He is calling, has called, me to be a "prayer missionary"--to travel the world and pray, fight in the spirit, war in the heavenlies...how humbling this is...Lord, keep me humble...

Living out His Dreams,

Andrea

Enjoying the Singleness

I wrote this blog back in 2006, and not alot has changed.  As most of you know, I had a relationship, a real one, and we spent one Valentines Day together---although neither one of us had any money, so even though we were "inlove," I don't count it.  So I hope you enjoy reading this blog:)

"Enjoying the Singleness:)It's Valentines Day and we all know what that means:) Flowers, candy, chocolate, and so much more, what is it they say? "Love is in the air." In my 33 years of life, I can say that I have had a Valentine only once, and he was broke so the flowers I recieved, I got about a week later (his payday).  We didn't go out on a date, I didn't get the box of chocolates, or the 'celebration' of our love; so looking back, I choose to not count it as a Valentine...he was my boyfriend and I his girlfriend, but there wasn't really a Valentine. 
Anytime I ever got flowers or candy it was from my dad, or my brother (cause I have a really thoughtful one:))  I go through stages where I think, "Why me?" "When is it going to be my turn?" "When am I going to get my Valentine?" Every year I think "next year, next year I will have a Valentine" and that never happens.   You know what though? I am okay with it. I love being single. I love my life. I love who I am. Yes, there are times when I get lonely, times when I want someone to share my life with, but I know that in God's perfect timing, He will bring him to me, but until then I must rest in the arms of Jesus. 


Being single isn't a curse, it is a blessing, a gift. There are things that I can do with my life that I couldn't do if I were attached. I have more time. I can do whatever I want, go wherever I want without having to ask someone for permission, or consider them when making decisions, life altering decisions.

So, I will enjoy my time and when the time comes for me to have my Valentine, I will look back and be thankful for the time that I have had to myself....to get to know me:)

So, to all my single friends---Enjoy every moment that you have to get to know yourself, to get to spend with yourself. They will be gone before you know it:)

To my married friends---Enjoy your spouse, don't take them for granted, appreciate them, give thanks for them, love them---know just how lucky you are--that you have been given the opportunity to share your life. your moments, with someone else:)"

Now, I wrote this blog 7 years ago---now, I have had a relationship with a man that I loved with my whole heart, and he shattered it into a million pieces.  I have learned that just having a "Valentine" isn't worth it, if he isn't the right Valentine.  I don't want someone just so I can get flowers and chocolates. I don't want a relationship just to have one.  I loved him, but knowing what I know now, I wouldn't do it over again.  I wouldn't give my heart away so easily, so carelessly.  I would rather be single for the rest of my life, then to be "in a relationship" with the wrong person.  I have learned alot:)

Love to all and Happy Valentines Day!!:)

Saved By Grace and other random thoughts

I had an epiphany this weekend...In 2002, I graduated from SAGU with a BS in Cross-cultural missions.  I have never really understood exactly why.  I sometimes questioned, wondering if I made a mistake, if I was just naive and didn't know what I was doing at the time.  I always knew that I would never be a "typical" missionary that would itinerate and live in a foreign place for years at a time...I knew that was something that I was never called to do...but I wasn't quite sure what I was doing.  I graduated and then had no idea what to do next...so I went back to school and graduated in 2004 with a Masters in Elementary Education.  Through all this, I didn't really understand where the "missions" part would fit in.  Now, I did get my first teaching job, with the help of my missions degree, because it was in the 'ghetto' and I was a white girl from the country...so, they thought because of my Bachelors, I would know what I was doing:)  Teaching, it's what I love.  I realize that now, more than ever, as I have gotten back into the classroom in recent days.  Saturday night, at church prayer, God revealed to me part of His exact plan for my life.  It wasn't this huge emotional moment that lasted for hours, or even minutes for that matter, but it stirred something in my heart, answered this question I have had since that day in 2002, and for me,  solidified a part of my destiny:)  My church is Freedom Fellowship International---when we voted on changing our name, we added International, prophetically.  At the time, we were not ready to do anything internationally, or even knew what that was going to mean.  Now, we have come to a healthy place...and place where we are now ready.  I will be going to Boston at the end of this month to help kick off a church plant.  This summer, my church will be going to Alaska to help a pastor there...to do some heavy spiritual warfare praying, etc.  God called me to be a missionary...a person who goes from place to place and helps bring freedom, release strong holds, pray with, teach, minister to people, churches, and nations.  This is what he has called me to be, and teaching...while it is a mission field in and of itself, it will also provide the funding that I need to take these trips.  FFI will be the conduit in which I get to these places.  HE AMAZES ME.  While this will not be the only thing I do in life, it will be a main focus:)  Oh how 2013 has already been amazing!  His grace is astounding, His calling is humbling, His mercy is overwhelming, His love is fulfilling.
Lord, may I be all that you have called me to be.  May I carry your Name with all the honor it deserves.  May I walk in your mercy and bestow your grace as eloquently as you have bestowed it on me.  May I fulfill my destiny completely and fully for Your Name!--Amen

MY BROTHER IS COMING HOME!  I am sure that there are some of you who doubt this---especially if you know the whole story...if you know what the law says, what man says.  Man says he has to serve at least 10 years of his 20 year sentence before he is even eligible for parole...including good behavior.  The law says that him getting out ANY sooner than that is completely impossible.  Man says that we are foolish, deceiving ourselves, for even believing such.  However, what the law doesn't know is that My God is bigger.  My God does not lie, He can not lie.  My God says that Shawn is coming home SOON...and by soon, I mean any day now...God says my brother will be home by Easter 2013!!  That's 7 weeks and 6 days, folks!  55 days!  GET READY!  Signs, Wonders, and Miracles!!!  My brother is coming home!!:) NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR GOD!  Do you really believe that?  Do you believe He can parted a sea and an entire nation walked across on DRY GROUND?  Do you believe that He raised people from the dead?  Not only Lazurus, but His Son, the One that we base our entire salvation, life, on?  If you really believe these things, if you really believe what the Bible says, then you HAVE to believe that the God of the Universe can make a way for my brother to just walk out of a prison that should hold him for 10 years!  That's nothing to Him...it is NATURALLY SUPERNATURAL for this to happen!  After all, He Is GOD!!!:)

God still amazes me. As I was looking into changing my blog setup, changing the layout,etc, I noticed a font called "saved by grace." It caught my attention. Saved by Grace. The definition of grace is unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. How many times in my life have I truly been saved by grace? I'm not just talking about my salvation...I'm talking about circumstances, situations, that have happened in my life. How many times have I truly been saved by grace? Thinking back over the past couple of years, I can think of quite of quite a few times that I was saved by grace; I am sure there were many times when I wasn't even aware of His grace working in my life.

Last thing:  Yesterday, during worship at church, I just began to think about God's grace in my life. Funny, the songs we sang weren't even referencing 'grace' so to speak. I was taken back to situation after situation where His grace spared me from what could have been disastrous for me. I was in a relationship for 2 years, and looking back, I see how His grace was all over my life at that time. I am so thankful for His grace. His grace that covers all my sins, His grace that softens the blows, or consequences, for my actions that are not sometimes pleasing to Him. I am thankful for the grace that He bestows upon me every SINGLE moment of my life. My prayer is that I can extend this same grace to those in my life who make mistakes. Thank you God for your grace in my life!  Thank you for everything that You are and everything that You have done, are doing, and will continue to do in my life!:)


Dreaming with Him,

Andrea

Perspective

Perspective...that's an interesting word, even more interesting is its definition...the facts known to one.
Facts known to one...FACTS...truths as one sees them, TRUTHS...
Perspective is a choice.  How I choose to view things, is a choice.  I have learned this well.  I could look at my life from many different perspectives.  I could see it through the eyes of my family (who all have their own perspectives), from my friends, from acquaintances, even from those who don't know me.  I could see all the things I don't have, or I could see all the things I do.  I could look at my brother's situation and see hopelessness, failure, rejection, disappointment, and a "lost cause."  OR I could choose to see what God has done...that Shawn would not be where he is today (spiritually speaking) without going to prison.  I could CHOOSE to see that he is not the same, he is stronger, wiser, and he's for sure spending eternity with the Lord.  I could look at my relationship with Tracy and see failure, pain, rejection, mistakes, disobedience, hurt, etc. OR I could see it as good, but knowing that there is something BETTER.  It's the perspective that you see.
When Jesus died on the cross, I am sure that there were people who felt hopeless...this promise of a savior and yet all they saw was death, pain, a dying man.  But, what if there was one who saw a chance for redemption, a dying man who would rise as a SAVIOR to the world?  Perspective.
Yes, I don't have a job.  I don't have a car.  I don't have a place of my own.  There are a lot of things I DON'T have, but the way I see it...God has a lot of room to show off:)  He has alot of room to work miracles, to blow my mind, to fulfill promises, to knock my socks off, and to receive all the glory through every detail!!:)
My challenge to you is maybe you need to CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE:)

Dreaming His Dreams,

Andrea 

Blessings...

Blessings...it may look like I don't have alot. It may seem that way, from your perspective. From your perspective, you have many blessings, many 'possessions.' Change your perspective. What I have is not temporal. What I have is peace that passes all understanding, everlasting joy, promise for a future, hope unending. I have an intimate relationship with the Great I Am. My name has been written down in the Lamb's Book of Life and my future is secure! My sins have been forgiven, my past forgotten, and my future bright!
So, while to you, it looks like I am not blessed-right now, I have no job, car, home of my own-that is farthest from the truth. I am more blessed in this moment than I have ever been my entire life! While your 'blessings' will fade away, mine will last for eternity!
Thank you God, that I am blessed beyond comprehension; that my eyes are not on what is seen, but what is not!:) you are my life!

It's personal...

Here I am, writing again. This blog, over the past couple of years, has been an outlet. Here is where I have shed tears, shared my pain, frustration, and confusion. This is where I expressed my anger at God when everything happened with Shawn; Where I expressed my hurts, my sorrows; This is where I wrote about finally finding love and where I wrote, with tears falling down my face, about losing that same love, grieving for it. This is where my hopes, dreams, fears and failures found a home. This is where I open my heart and share everything that I'm feeling with no regard to what others will think. This is where I am human. I pray that it encourages, strengthens, and gives hope to those who read. I hope that it inspires you to press forward in your own lives, in your own struggles, in your own pain, to find the hope that lies ahead, the joy that comes with the morning. This has been my release.
So here, today, I come once again to express my deepest thoughts.
2012: there were some things, some personal things that I closed out in 2012, that I "put a period on." Things that I refused to take into 2013 with me, so I closed them. What I realized through this was, for me, healing. If you have been a reader of mine for a while, you have walked through the greatest heartbreak I have ever experienced. You have seen, through my eyes, a love lost, a heart broken, a choice made. It's funny, I have really learned (I always knew, but learning first hand is something completely different) the effect that people's choices have on one another. You see, Tracy made a choice to leave Waxahachie, to go back to Austin. I believe he made the wrong choice. I believe that this is where God wanted him, and absolutely not because of me. I believe that even if Tracy and I were not together, that this is where he wanted him. God had things He wanted to teach him, places He wanted him to go, people He wanted him to impact, to minister to. God left the choice up to him. It's almost like those books I used to read as a young girl, the adventure ones where you got to choose the ending...if you chose A, this happened, if you chose B, this would happen, and so on. God gave him a choice, doing everything He could to show him exactly what the "right" choice was...Tracy chose option B. That ONE choice, led to another choice, that led to another choice, that now has him living a life that I know he would never have planned for himself. A life that isn't what God had chosen for him either. He never had the strength, the passion for God, to make the tough choice; to choose the harder of the two. He chose the "easy way out" as one would say...and is now seeing the repercussions of those choices.
I also made a choice. I chose to stay. When I couldn't hear anything else, I heard "Be Still." When everyone around me was telling me what they thought I should do, what they thought my next move should be, all I heard was "be still."  When the very love of my life believed that the only choice I wasn't making was him, I heard "be still.". He didn't understand. He believed that I was just rejecting him, that I wasn't choosing him, oh how wrong he was...I was just doing the ONLY thing I knew to do, the ONLY thing that I was hearing...I was "being still." I tried to make him understand, but the more i tried, the more angry he got. My heart would break over and over again at the thought of him thinking I didn't want him, that I didn't want to be with him. I loved him more than anything in the world. I loved him with every fiber of my being, my every breath, but I loved God more. Everything was so uncertain, everything, even my relationship with him...but the one thing I was hearing more clearly than anything else was "Be still." So, that is exactly what I did...as I watched the one person I loved most dearly, and everything else that I had, get stripped away from me. I made a choice. The difference between the two is that I can sit here today as I type, once again with tears streaming down my face, that I don't regret my choice. I chose to "Be still." God didn't ask me to "be still" alone...He never asked me to "be still" without Tracy, He just asked me to "be still." Tracy chose to walk away from me, He chose to not trust me enough to "be still" with me. He chose...and so did I.
All of this to say that I realized I still held some anger, some resentment, some hurt, and feelings of rejection towards Tracy. It wasn't what it was by any means, but it was more than I wanted in my life. What's done is done. The choices that we made have been made, and we are both living out the blessings and consequences of each choice separately, we can't go back, I won't go back. I once heard that falling in love with someone, giving them your heart, is giving them the power to hurt you more than anyone else on the planet. How true that statement is. I loved Tracy more than anything, and he was the one person who had the "power" to hurt me more than anyone else; And that he did...whether it be intentional or not. My flesh wanted him to feel at least a little bit of the pain, the hurt, the rejection that he made me feel. I wanted him to be alone. I wanted him to acknowledge that he hurt me, that he chose someone else over me, that he broke my heart, that he made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. But I didn't get any of that-he moved on with his happy little life and premade family and I got to be alone.
That last day of 2012, December 31, I sat on the floor in my room and just cried. I cried because I had been hurt, and cried because I had allowed that hurt to turn into something that never should have been. So, I laid, face down humbling myself before the Lord, and I cried, I wept. I repented to the Lord for holding on to such pain, for not allowing Him to heal the little parts that I was still holding onto; and I prayed for Tracy. I prayed that God would bless him, that He would pour out blessings on him in such a way that he can not deny it came from the Lord. I prayed that we both would only remember the good times, the times we laughed, the times we were happy.  I prayed that when he thinks of me and when I think of him, that this is how we would remember "us."  Who we were in the beginning.  The "us" that laughed together, prayed together, dreamed together.  The "us" we were before all the junk, before those choices were made.  I want to and I want him to remember this "us."    

In that moment, I prayed that all the hurtful words, the pain, the sorrow, and the grief would be buried, and only the good would remain.  That when I think of him or when he thinks of me, that this is how we would remember "us."   I loved him and I know that at one time he loved me...that I will be forever grateful. There was a time when he made me laugh, most of the time at his expense, but I still laughed;) He taught me that I was lovable, that I was beautiful, that the very things I disliked about myself, were the very things that he fell in love with. I choose to remember these things...and I pray that he chooses the same. It's in this moment that I truly, with my very heart and soul, forgave him.
I can not speak for him, but I do not regret my choice to "Be still." Trust me when I say it was not an easy choice, it wasn't. Maybe it should have been, but for me it was the hardest choice I've ever made, the hardest one I ever hope I have to make. Through this choice, I learned that God is enough for me; That even in the midst of what felt like a tsunami, He was enough. He will never leave or forsake me. He loves me more than any one person will. He has big dreams for me. He has a husband, a family, a ministry for me that I can't even imagine...all rewards of just "being still."
I thank God for revelations. I thank Him for loving me enough to not allow me to stay the same. I am thankful that His love for me never changes, that He never rejects me, turns His back on me, lies to me, or hurts me. I am thankful that His best is what I yearn for. I'm so thankful that I am not the same!

Dreaming His Dreams,

Blue

I declare!

Today is the last day of 2012.  Wow!  This year has been full of so much...heartbreak, pain, frustration, tears, confusion, doubt, love, joy, happiness, hope, God...This year I have learned so much, about myself, about God, about my future, about love--what is truly is and is not...2012 is not at all what I expected it to be, but it was everything that it needed to be.  Now, 2013 is going to be amazing!  It is going to be full of God's favor in my life.  This year He will provide for me a car, a job, a home of my own, new friendships, and maybe even a new love.  This year will see the miraculous, orchestrated only by God, supernatural release of my brother from prison.  This year will see many dreams ans hopes come into fruition.  This year will see a supernatural provision for my entire family, my sister, brother, parents, and myself.  I declare that the year 2013 will be a year of salvation for my lost family members and a new level for those who know Him already.  This year will see the release of books, starting of businesses.  This year we will see the glory of God in our lives and in our church like never before.  This year will be a year of blessing and favor.  This year, the year of "rebellion and satan" (what the number 13 represents), we will see the complete opposite of that---a year of complete and total humility and submission to the Lord Jesus Christ and a year full of His power, His grace, His mercy, His faithfulness, His love, His provision, His Spirit, His peace, and so much more!  This year, I will experience Him in a new way, on a new level.  This year, He will activate the "above and beyond" in my life, while I learn to "Just Breathe" and trust Him. 
This year is going to be amazing!!!  Are you ready?!?!?!?

Ugh! yet, not really:)

Sometimes I hate that I remember dates so well...Don't get me wrong, I love that I remember birthdays and anniversaries for the ones that I hold close...what I hate is that I remember birthdays for the ones who broke my heart, the ones who I no longer a part of my life...I hate that they are still a memory...I have a quote on this blog that says, "the beautiful thing about memories is that they are yours, whether they are good, bad, or indifferent...they belong to you.  And no matter where life takes you, your memories tie you to where you've been."  I just want to forget...I don't want to remember birthdays...maybe with time I will forget, or I will just remember the good memories and not the bad ones, the painful ones.  Just maybe...
On another note, it's almost 2013!  Do you know what happens in 2013?  My brother comes home!!!  YAY!  I am so excited, I just can't contain it!  This will be the last Christmas, the last New Year that we will have to spend without him...I can't wait to see what God has in store...I can't wait to see how He will move in my life, in the life of my family:)  I can't wait to write it all down and then read it later!  How exciting will it be to read it all, to share all that God has done?  I'm so ready to start writing some good stuff, to start writing about all the "Above and Beyond" stuff that God will be doing in 2013!!!