Home.

So, it's been a little over a week now that Shawn has been home.  Read that again....SHAWN IS HOME!!  He is home friends!  God is faithful and oh so good!  Emotional.  It has been an emotional time.  I haven't gotten to actually SEE him yet, because I live in MO and well....it's a little more difficult than it seems.  However, we are changing that in about 2 weeks.  I will tell you that day, the days leading up to his release, were taxing.  It didn't seem real.  Something we, I have been praying for, believing for was finally happening.  It was FINALLY happening.  God was answering.  

I won't ever forget the moment I got the phone call that he was with my parents.  I was at school (I'm a teacher).  I said, "hello?" and with tears streaming down his face, I heard that voice, "Andrea, I'm home."  I didn't think I would cry, but boy did I.  Right there, in my classroom, in front of all my kids, crying like a baby!  SO many emotions...He did it!  God brought him home! A 10 year prayer had been answered...my faith was so high in that moment!  If He could bring Shawn home, and answer that prayer, why wouldn't He answer my baby prayer?  Why won't He give me a baby?  He WILL!!  I know it with every fiber of my being...He will!  

Friends, don't give up!  Don't stop believing, don't stop praying, don't stop trusting in the One who has it all!  He is faithful!  We may not always understand what or why He is doing things the way He is, but we trust Him all the same!  If anything, I have learned that He writes our stories much better than we ever could!  It's much more beautiful if we just let Him do it!

Still Dreaming, 

Andrea

 I'm Back!!

Wow!  It's been a little over 3 years since I have posted a blog.  It's now 2022.  In the last 3 years, we had our third miscarriage and we moved from Texas to Missouri (I know, don't ask:)).  We have been in Missouri for almost 2 years--it will be 2 in July.  It's different here, but the same.  We have our moments, I have my moments.  I miss Texas.  I miss what Texas represents for me--friends, family, security, safety, home.  It's a little harder to be here now that we know WHEN my brother is coming home (see way earlier posts for those stories).  I want to be there, to spend time with him, catch up on the last 10 years, share everything that's happened---from wedding videos to movies, to music and  tv shows, to fashion, etc!  There has been so much he has 'missed' and I can't wait to share life with him again...so being here in MO and away from there right now is difficult.  I know that God has a plan, and I know that He knew when He moved us all the way up here when He did, He knew what He was doing.  He hasn't failed me yet, so why would I doubt him now?  I just can't beleive it?!  On August 3, 2011, I felt a punch in the stomach like never before.  I couldn't breath, I couldn't speak, utter shock.  We didn't know what God was doing, why He was doing it...Here we are DAYS from the end of this chapter, and HE has been SO faithful!  So faithful.  We have made it!  We are stronger, we are closer.  We view things/people differently now.  We don't take for granted the things we use to.  I can't wait to share the rest of this story with you some day!  

Still dreaming, 

Andrea 

Grief. And the Joy we can find in it.

Grief. Grief is defined as 'deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death.' Some synonyms for grief are sorrow, misery, sadness, anguish, pain, heartache, heartbreak, regret. I have experienced many moments of grief in my life in many forms. I remember when I was 10 years old and my pawpaw died. I remember sitting around the dining room table at my grandma’s house and my dad, my aunt and uncles all talking about the memories, laughing through the tears. I remember being in the 4th grade and learning that our dog had died. I remember having my heart broken by a boy---another form of grief. I remember my grandma dying when I was an adult. Most recently though, this monster called Grief has taken on a whole new meaning in my life.
If you read my last blog, you learned that we suffered a miscarriage in July of 2018. I was 6 weeks and to say we were devastated would be an understatement. We both dealt with our grief in our own ways. And I don’t think it was necessarily the healthiest way for either of us, but we survived. We learned and we got through.
The months following we really learned to communicate with each other, we learned to laugh at the small things, to enjoy each other and the blessings we already had. We learned to trust God in a way that we hadn’t before. We learned to love each other all over again.
In November, we found out we were pregnant again. We were shocked. I was terrified. Miscarriage changes you. It changes the way you think, the way you view everything. I had never had a “healthy” pregnancy, so I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. So, everything I felt something that was “off” I panicked. All day, every day. Yet, at the same time we were excited. We waited until we were 8 weeks to tell our family (which we thought was better the 6 weeks we waited the first time). We were making plans, talking about him with our family, we were excited. The day after Christmas, a Wednesday, we went to our first sonogram appointment and it was horrible! The dr. didn’t tell us anything---he found out my age and my previous pregnancy history and that was it. We felt in that moment that he wrote me off, wrote us off. He told me that I would miscarry by the end of the week and to schedule a follow-up appointment by weeks end to make sure “everything turned out okay.” I was completely devastated. This was the baby God had promised us! Why would he allow this to happen? Why would He give him to us just to take him away? We left that appointment and Josh put me in my place. He reminded me of the promises of God and we decided in that moment that we were not giving up on our baby! We were going to fight for him because he could not fight for himself! So that is exactly what we did! We alerted our closest friends and family, we notified the prayer team at our church and we fought. Was it hard? It was very hard for me. My spirit was telling me one thing, but my head was telling me another. I’d been through this before and I told myself then that I would never go through this again…yet, here we were.
New Year’s Eve---Monday morning---I started cramping…I knew…I’ve felt this before, I’ve been through this before. We had friends over, we were celebrating the end of 2018 and I was in so much pain—I was losing my second baby in less than 6 months. Grief became so real to me, again, in that moment. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I carry a healthy baby? What did I do wrong? What did I eat that I shouldn’t have? What did I drink that I shouldn’t have? I should have exercised, etc.
We had a sonogram taken the following Wednesday and discovered that we had indeed lost the baby. I was 9 weeks.  I knew it. In my heart, I knew it. This time, our grief was different. We grieved together. We talked about it, we felt. We cried, we laughed, we got angry, we got sad, but we did it all together.  We felt it TOGETHER.  We named him Noah Isaac, meaning, "Peaceful Promise of God's Laughter."  He was ours and we loved him so.  It has almost been 3 weeks…so we are still grieving. We are still processing through loss. We still feel it—the sadness, the anger, the jealousy. Every time we see a baby, every time we see a pregnancy announcement, gender reveal, etc on social media, we grieve all over again. This kind of grief is unexplainable.
Yes, we are grieving and no we don’t understand BUT let me tell you this. We STILL know what God has promised. We STILL believe that He will give us our promised baby. We CHOOSE joy and SPEAK life over those babies we see, those parents who are expecting. We HOLD fast to the promised of the Lord and we know that His Word is truth. We will not stop planning, we will not stop believing, we will not stop preparing. And when we come to the day where we will hold that precious baby in our arms, we will not take him for granted, we will tell him of the miracle that he is and he will know how loved and thankful we are for him.
Miscarriages ensured I lost a certain innocence about pregnancy that I carried before. They also ensured I wouldn’t take cover under false promises or assume that life will turn out as expected. I am not entitled to happy endings, nor am I ungrateful for them when they come. If anything, suffering has made me appreciate joy more… but I will not demand it more. I can’t. I know too much.
I am seeing the faithfulness of God in the midst of the storm—while in the eye of it surrounded by eerie silence yet thankful to realize I’m still alive, I have also seen it while being tossed in the fray of it, gulping and gasping for a lifeline, wondering if a rescue boat will come before I drown. I’ve also seen it while safely back on shore, recovering under a blanket and wrapped in the comfort of love and sustaining grace. Here he is---God faithful within all. (It’s who He is. He can’t NOT be.)
I’ve also seen the faithfulness of God well AFTER the storm when the clouds are well and truly parted and the seas have grown still. I know the sun will rise in the east again tomorrow and the buds will eventually push their way through the barren winters. I know that LOVE ALWAYS FINDS ITS DESTINATION. I also know that new life comes after death---it’s the order of the world (made in light of heaven) and we can always hope for it and call it into being.
I understand how little I understand and I see Jesus anyway, through it all. He is the source of life as I know it and my hope rests securely in knowing he never stops creating, never stops reproducing life, never stops loving us into becoming more of ourselves.
Miscarriages are a real thing and they happen in 1 out of every 4 pregnancies and 20% of those women will have a recurrent pregnancy. This means that, more than likely, someone you work with, go to church with, someone in your family has experience a pregnancy loss. I’m tired of not being able to talk about it. My first miscarriage, I felt ashamed, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone because no one understood. I felt like I should keep it a secret. With my second, it was different, because we had so many people praying, more people knew, therefore more people were praying for us, asked us questions, and showed their support. Through this miscarriage, I learned of the many women in my circle who had experienced a pregnancy loss of some kind. In some ways, this made it ‘easier’ for us to grieve, ‘easier’ for us to walk through.
So, if anything, this blog is not written for you to feel sorry for us. It is written to let you know that, if you have had pregnancy loss, you are not alone and it is not your fault. There isn’t anything you could have done differently. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Talk about it, share your story. I promise, it will help and I promise that time does heal. It never goes away, you always remember…I still have things to go through, but I am healing. And you will too.

Still Dreaming~

Drea

God is Good. ALL the time!

Wow!  It’s been almost 4 years since I have written last!  A LOT has happened in 4 years!  Let me catch you up…I met the most amazing man, and I married himJ  With him, came two adorable girls.  So, now I am a wife and a mom.  I am still teaching in Dallas, but that is slowly coming to a close as well.   
God is good.  ALL the time. 

Before I got married, I had this fairy tale idea of what marriage was going to be.  I knew it wasn’t going to be all rainbows and daisies, but I sure wasn’t prepared for the storms that would come.   Nor was I prepared for the simple thing of compromise.  You see, on my end, I was 36 years old when I got married.  I lived on my own for 2 years.  I had an education and a career.  I took care of myself, made my own decisions, did what I wanted to do, went where I wanted to go, and spent money when I wanted to spend it.  My husband, on the other hand, had 2 children, one of whom he had every other week for a full week.  He made the decisions, he raised the children, made the rules for them, etc.  When we got married, I moved into his house, their house.  They had a way of doing things, that wasn’t always my way.  That first year, wow!  It was tough…it was rough.

 We got to year 2 and thought we had made it past the hard stuff but little did we know…year 2 was crazy!  We got full custody of his 7  (at the time) year old.  Things dramatically changed for me.  I was okay with the week on week off.  I was mentally prepared for that.  I still got him to myself every other week.  For that one week, I was his everything.  I got his undivided attention.   Then on Valentine’s Day 2016, life as I knew it came to a screeching halt.  Now only was I know a full time mom…for this time, I was the ONLY mom.  Everything changed.  Date nights didn’t happen as easy, time alone didn’t happen as often.  We were now consumed with this little girl who had everything that she knew as familiar ripped out from underneath her.  We were answering questions that we should have never had to answer.  We were dealing with counselors, case workers, etc.  We were trying to navigate a scenario that we had been hoping we would never have to navigate, for months.  For me personally, I was dealing with loss.  I was dealing with the loss of my husband being just mine for a time.  I was dealing with these emotions of being a full time mom, raising a child that was not even biologically mine.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love her with every ounce of my being and for everything that matters, SHE IS MINE.   But, she was 5 when we got married and she was now 7…she had 7 years of influence from authority outside of me. It was tough.  Then to add a 10 year old who was now dealing with her sister ‘having more than her,’ was a whole other issue!  This was year 2.

Then we come to year 3…we are currently in year 3 and it has already proved to be heartbreaking and satisfying all at the same time!  We have finally formed ourselves into a blended family.  Josh and I are learning to communicate about our parenting better and better every day.  Hannah is much more adjusted and secure.  She is only talking to a counselor when we feel she needs a ‘checkup.’  This year holds some roads that we are unsure of how we are going to navigate them, but we do know the One who does know.  We have an almost teenager on our hands who believes that she is way smarter than us and knows way more than us, so pray for us!  Trying to filter our way through that is pretty muddy but like the millions of parents who have gone before us, we will manage and we will persevere—only by the grace of God!
This year 3 has also already held great loss and great pain.  On my 39^th birthday, we discovered we were pregnant…something we have been waiting and praying for a year.  And 3 weeks later, we miscarried.  I believe that I have experienced a lot and been prepared for a lot, but this was something that I was never prepared for.  Not even a little bit.  The pain that came with this was heart wrenching.  I didn’t know you could already love someone that you had never met so much.  We made the ‘rookie’ mistake of telling the girls, they were so excited!  We planned, we told some family, never once thinking we would lose.  We knew this was God’s answer to our prayers, God’s miracle for us, and God’s prophecies fulfilled.   And then…I don’t think I will ever forget that feeling…and then having to tell my husband---made me feel like a failure.  He did his part, it was me.  Something was wrong with me.  I failed.  The emotions that came along with this loss…the thoughts, the hurt, the pain.  I was angry.  I was angry at God for taking him, I was angry at God for all of it.  I was angry at myself.  Then, we had to tell the girls.  Telling Hannah-someone who was so young and had already lost so much in her little life…she has stared loss in the face more times than most of us ever will…she has such a heart for people that her concern was that we were okay.  I remember her just trying to do everything ‘right’ to make things easier for me, for her daddy.  This baby had not been a reality in her little world for very long but she felt the loss. 
These emotions are still so real.  Jesus and I have had many conversations about this.  I still have a lot of questions that I know I will not get answers to until I see Him face to face…and there is a lot that I don’t understand.  We learned a lot about how we communicate with each other through this process and we learned a lot about grief.  Life wasn’t fair.  I felt like I had already grieved so much.  I grieved about the time I ‘lost’ with my husband when we got Hannah full time.  I grieved about the choices that others made that had in turn directly now effected the very life I knew.  There is so much to this story that I am not sharing at this time, the time will come.  I don’t know a lot.  But what I do know is that God is good.  ALL the time.  I have felt loss, I have felt pain, I have felt hurt.  BUT I have also felt joy.  I have felt health.  I have felt hope. 
That’s where we are at now.  We are hopeful.  We know that the promises of God are true.  We know that He does not lie.  We know that He is faithful.  We know that He is love.   So, we cling to this verse in Habakkuk 2:2 (Amp)

“For the vision is yet for the appointed [future] time

It hurries toward the goal [of fulfillment]; it will not fail.

Even though it delays, wait [patiently] for it,

Because it will certainly come; it will not delay."

Although we have experienced a lot of pain, we have also experienced a lot of joy.  We have experienced alot of good.  We have laughed until it hurt, we have loved and been loved until we felt like we would explode.  We have fought and we have won.  We are good.  Our family is good.  We will one day be a family of 5, but until that day, we will hold to the Father who has promised hope.  He is good and He does good!  God is good.  ALL the time!

Dreaming His Dreams, 

Drea

2015!!

2015...it's 2015.  I remember a time, a few years ago, when I didn't think I would survive the day I was in, much less ever make it to 2015!  One thing I know, God is faithful!  I love this blog, even though I have been horrible about keeping it up to date, I love it...why?  The things I have written here have been full of emotion, raw emotion.  Reading them takes me back to days, to moments that I would rather forget, yet, I am reminded time after time that God is faithful.  In my darkest moments, the biggest storms of my life, God was there....when I didn't feel like I was going to make it, He was walking right beside me.  In those moments of joy, those moments of celebration, He was also there with me...walking right beside me, rejoicing with me.
God has been faithful.  He has fulfilled many promises and there are many more He has left to fulfill, but He is faithful.  2015 is full of hope, full of anticipation.  2015 is ready and waiting for me to fill its pages with love, happiness, life.  I know that no matter what this year has in store for me, for my family, that He will be faithful and I will walk through  to the end of it.  2015 is going to be an amazing year:)

Dreaming His Dreams,

Drea

Hope deferred no more!

It’s been 6 months since I have written a blog…I guess you could say I got busy…no excuse.  I guess I went through a dry season…not necessarily a bad one, just different.  Now that I have a job, an apartment, I am learning to balance my time, and this blog just didn’t make the priority list.  Maybe it should have; this is what I love.  I love to write.  I do that better than I do most other things.  It’s hard for me, to say what I feel, what I am experiencing, what I am going through with my mouth…it’s much easier to write it down.  It is delivered much more clearly that way.

At the beginning of January, God sent me on a journey that was unexpected, but much needed.  He began to do things in me that I wasn’t prepared for.  He started dealing with some deep seeded things in me, from my past, that I felt I had already dealt with…and I believe that I did, but just like an onion, there are layers.  So in this new layer, I went to this amazing, prophetic, counselor who walked me through a process of healing, restoration, forgiveness, and identity.  She was a God-sent!  Through this process, I took a break from some ministry things that I was involved in.  This was a welcomed break, I must say.  Through this journey, this one of healing and independence, I have learned so much about myself, and about God.  

Independence—how exhilarating it has been!  I live on my own now; I have no roommate (unless you want to count my sweet Daschund ‘Adee’).  At times, I get lonely—rather I miss the noise…I lived with my sister and 4 nieces for a couple of years—but, this has been a great experience for me.  When I decided to live alone, I did so because I felt I needed to.  I needed to get to know myself, my style, the things I loved and the things I didn’t; before I got married and had to live withsomeone else for the rest of my life.  It has been amazing.  I have made my apartment a home.  It is still a work in progress, but it is mine:)

Dreams—one thing that God has done through this journey has been a reminding of dreams.  There are some dreams that He has given me that I forgot about, rather my heart became sick with a hope deferred.  I wasn’t seeing it happen, them happen.  From the outside looking in, you would think that they were happening.  I had my dream car, my dream job, and my dream of living on my own, etc.  Everything seemed to be unfolding right before me…but there were still…dreams of a ministry, dreams of a family, dreams…my heart was sick… “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12(NIV)... “Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around. (MSG).  When was it going to turn around for me?  When was I going to get that ‘good break?’  I felt like it was winter, there were no blooms on my tree, the leaves were gone, and the branches were bare and falling off the tree.  I didn’t know what to do.  

Through this process of counseling, independence, healing…God began to stir within my spirit those dreams once again…I know that I will get that family that I have so desperately wanted…I know that I will get to be a mom someday.   But this dream of ministry…this dream of living out my purpose, the destiny of what He has called me to…I will get that to.  There are some aspects of my life, of my dreams, that have been kept close, safe, and private.  Maybe because they seem to be much bigger than I, they seem to almost be impossible for ‘little ole me’ to ever achieve.  But if I have learned anything through this season, I have learned that He who is in me is greater…If my dreams aren’t big enough to ‘scare’ me, then they aren’t big enough.  God’s dream for me is muchbigger than I could ever dream on my own.  It is coming.  He has restored them into my heart.  He has given me the joy to hope again.  I can see it, I can taste it, and I can almost touch it.  I am going to change the world.  He is going to change the world through me.  I have a voice.  He has given me words to speak and for a long time I have been intimidated, by others around me who seemed stronger, my insecurities, etc…but when the time is right, I will speak them.  

You can read throughout this blog about the journey that God has taken my family on throughout the past 6 years…starting in October of 2008.  A journey that has been the hardest things we have ever gone through…but through this journey, one that we are still walking, we have become different people.  We have become, I hope, more like Him.  Loving people that maybe before we would have cast aside.  Welcoming people that maybe before were easy to judge. I have this increasing love for an entire community that I never thought twice about before; these men and women who are currently spending their lives behind 4 walls because of the power that Satan had over their lives.  I have a burden for thiscommunity whose hurts, rejections, and brokenness have made them turn to a lifestyle of homosexuality.  6 years ago, this group of people would have never been on my radar.  But now, my heart breaks, my heart grieves for both of these groups.  I don’t know what God has in store, how this will tie into the dreams that He has already placed in my heart, but I know I have a voice.  

I know this has been a random blog, but that’s how my mind is working right now.  I feel a change coming.  I don’t know, but I think it may be a lot of changes…location, physical, spiritual, etc.  It’s fun, it’s exciting, and it’s time!

Once again Dreaming His Dreams,

Drea

Miss Independent

Independence...who would have thought it would have taken me 34 1/2 years to get to complete independence.  Almost a week ago, I moved into my first apartment without a roommate.  I am completely independent.  The emotions that I have experienced in doing this have been overwhelming; some were positive and some were negative.  I was full of excitement and fear at the same time.  I don't like change, even healthy change, because it's still change.  BUT I do know that this change was very good for me.  I am learning myself...learning who I am, what I like, completely independent from anyone else's influence, ideas, or opinions.  It's been fun and it's been interesting:) 
The last time I wrote a blog was in May...wow!  It's a new year already!  I have an amazing job with people that I love to work with!  I have a new car, and now I have a new apartment.  God has been completely amazing and faithful in my life!  Now, I just need for my brother to come home and all is well!:) 

I have learned that God is still faithful.  Even when I don't understand His ways, He only wants the best for me, and if I will get out of my own way, He will do wonders!  I am excited to see what this new year has in store for me and my family...God surprises are the best ones! 

Don't be a stranger!  I promise I will write more!:)

Dreaming His Dreams,

Drea